“Well, I’m not going in there,” Candy muttered. “Surrounded by all those men ... wanting to do stuff ... tying a girl up ... having sex in front of everyone else ... no way.” She shivered and licked her lips.
I wonder which Katrina will convince Candy to do first – attend one of her orgy parties or the pleasure club. Our eldest grinned at me behind Candy’s back. I could practically see the wheels turning in her head as she no doubt wondered the same thing.
December 11
I am going to com Dad and give him what for. He is being an absolute busybody! The ship’s medical department commed me this morning, asking me to report as soon as possible for a checkup. What a pain in my ass. Plus, my dear old dad still hasn’t fessed up about whatever floozy he and his clan have been entertaining. When I get hold of that man...
Speaking of people trying to push me around, Candy is bugging me about working on my clanning questionnaire so that the lottery can start matching me up to worthy men. Ugh, the thought of going through all that makes me ill. I’m talking physically ill. I woke up this morning thinking about fielding all those hopeful clans, knowing I’m going to be rejecting and disappointing so many, and I got downright queasy. I couldn’t even face breakfast. I pushed around the food on my plate and never took a single bite.
Candy shook her finger at me, a cheerleader blond mommy talking to her naughty five-year-old. “It’s got to be done, and you know it. The sooner you get it over with, the sooner you don’t have to face it anymore.”
“No, then I have to face the deluge of supposed matches to sift through. What are you up to, like a thousand?”
“About fifteen hundred.”
I gaped at her. “Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses. You’d need twenty years just to meet them all.”
She waved off my concerns. “I make myself look through a hundred possibilities every night before I go to bed. If I feel they are anything less than right, I order the registry to delete them from my queue.”
“So how many Triple Mister Rights have you got so far?”
“Three hundred sixteen.”
I groaned. “Candy, Candy, Candy. You are impossible, girl.”
“At least I’m working on it.” She rolled her eyes at me. “You are going to show up on Kalquor without having done the least thing towards finding your clan, and then what will you do? You think it’s overwhelming now; you won’t know what hit you when it comes time to actually start meeting suitors.”
I pushed my plate aside and rested my forehead on my folded arms. “I can’t handle this.”
“Stop whining. Get with the program. Start today, or I’ll tell Betra you’ve admitted to me how much you want to be in his bed.”
“Crap. I still haven’t given him back his gifts.” I stared at the table beneath my face. How could I contemplate searching for a clan when my favorite one was back on Earth? That gave me an idea.
I sat up to look at Candy, who was attempting to look stern. Ha, prissy, cutesy girl couldn’t pull that expression off if her life depended on it. It’s a good thing she’s tougher than she looks.
“I can’t work on my questionnaire today, girlfriend. I’ve got to work on the vid from Dusa’s clan’s ceremony.”
Candy stared at me, incredulous. Now that’s a look she can do. “You never finished it?”
“No. I’d almost gotten it done on Earth, but stupid stuff kept getting in the way.”
“Stupid stuff.” Candy grimaced. “Nearly dying several times over doesn’t exactly translate as ‘stupid stuff’. Man, that was some fucked-up shit we went through.”
I laughed in surprise. Candy rarely uses profanity. It doesn’t look right coming out of The Girl Next Door’s mouth.
She grinned back. “Almost done, huh? So you can tackle the questionnaire tomorrow.”
“Maybe.” I made sure I didn’t sound optimistic. To distract her, I said, “You know, I should make a copy of your howling performance from the clanning party. You can send it to your would-be clans, thin out the herd a little—”
Candy waved the knife she’d been using to cut her ronka chop with. “I will hurt you. Badly. You erase that footage, woman. I mean it.”
I’ve spent most of the day putting the finishing touches on the vid. I did include Candy’s lemanthev debut. If she asks, I can always remind her that Weln was standing right next to her the whole time, so of course I had to include it.
I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster now. One minute I’m smiling to see my boys and my dads having such a good time, the next I’m sniffling because I miss them so much. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve bawled my head off a couple of times. I’ve also laughed until my stomach hurt. Today, I’m a woman of extremes. Must be hormones. I bet I’ll get my period soon.
I sent the vid to my sweeties and a copy to Dad with a reminder he’d better com me soon. I miss them all so much. If Candy knew how much it hurts! If she could just understand that the next time I see Dusa, Esak, and Weln that we can only be friends, she’d get off my back about filling out that damned questionnaire.
The pain will fade with time. I know that. But I’m not ready to move on with my life yet. I’m not ready to contemplate letting another clan into my heart. Candy and anyone else who cares about getting me clanned will just have to understand that.
December 12
Betra stopped by today, nostrils flaring wide. He stayed just outside of my door when I opened it, almost as if he was afraid to enter.
“How are you, Matara Shalia?” he asked me. “I’m only stopping by to see if you are well?”
“I’m fine,” I answered, pasting a smile on my face. At least I had an opportunity to take care of returning the stuff he’d given me. I had packed the hair pretties, robe, and slippers back in the container. With great remorse, might I add.
“Ah, Betra, I have to give you back this stuff.” I pointed at the container.
He blinked. “Are the items not to your liking?”
“They’re very much to my liking. But – but it’s inappropriate for me to accept gifts from someone I’m not involved with.” My face heated. I must have been as red as a fire truck.
“I don’t understand.”
I would have gotten mad with Betra, except he seemed genuinely at a loss. I sighed. Doing my best to not be a bitch and go gently, I said, “I’m sure you’re a very nice person. But I’m not willing to see you as anything more than my liaison. I’m not up for a romantic entanglement.”
His confusion deepened for a moment, then his eyes widened. “You think I gave – you think I want—”
Now it was Betra’s face turning a blistering scarlet. He burst out, “Matara Shalia, I am not trying to seduce you. I gave you that package on orders.”
Oh damn. I was dying of embarrassment. “You mean – but none of the other women got containers full of goodies, so I thought – I thought—”
We stared at each other. It was hard to tell who was more horrified over the misunderstanding. We spent several seconds like that, mortified over the situation.
Then, all at once, we both started laughing. No, not laughing. Howling. We completely lost it, getting hysterical over the whole stupid affair.
“If – if you could have seen your face!” I gasped, doubled over. I was laughing so hard it hurt.
“No, you should have seen yours! By the ancestors, you looked so dismayed,” Betra said, supporting his quaking body on the doorframe. Tears squirted out of his eyes as he bellowed with hilarity.
“Dismayed? That’s too tame. You had me beat by a mile. I’ve never seen anyone look so appalled in my life!”
We must have spent five minutes shrieking with laughter and competing over who had been the most aghast over the confusion. I had tears streaming down my face as well.
Finally we calmed down enough that I could ask, “So what gives? Who ordered you to give me these things?”
Betra grinned at me. “I’m not at liberty to say at this time. Sorry.”
I fol
ded my arms over my chest. “What do you mean you can’t tell me? This is weird, you know.”
He nodded. “I know, but I’m under orders. You will be told when the time is right why certain Mataras under certain circumstances get special treats.”
“Betra—”
He held up his hand. “I don’t agree with keeping you in the dark, but it’s not my place to interfere.”
I gave him my most winning smile. “Can you give me a hint?”
Betra thought about it. After a moment, he grinned. “All right, I’ll do that much. It has something to do with the activities you engaged in down on Earth and the service you have provided the Empire.”
I looked at him, completely at a loss. The service I had provided the Empire? He had to be talking about either the presentation I’d given or saving the medical staff and invalids in that fire. I was betting on the fire rescue. What was more important than saving lives?
I shrugged, trying to be modest. “I did what I had to, that’s all. Anyone else in my position would have done the same.”
Betra’s expression hinted that he was on the verge of breaking into a fresh round of laughter. “If you say so, Matara. Is there anything else special you’d like me to bring you? Anything at all that will make you more comfortable?”
I shook my head. “No thanks, Betra. Sorry for the misunderstanding.”
“Not at all.” He shook his head. “Ancestors, that was embarrassing.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I’m glad we cleared that up.” Betra offered me a bow, but he was still grinning from ear to ear. “If you do wish to be provided anything, anything at all, let me know. I’ll be glad to see what I can do.”
“Thanks.”
He left.
I wish I knew who the gifts came from or why Betra can’t talk about it. It occurred to me they could be from the dads or Clan Dusa ... but why the secrecy? It wouldn’t make any sense that they would arrange for me to have presents and make such a big deal out of keeping it from me.
That made me think about Commander Nang. Good heavens, I hope the container isn’t from him. I am done with that man forever. But it’s the only option that makes sense ... except for that cryptic hint Betra gave me about doing something in service to the Empire. Again, I have to consider I’m being rewarded for getting everyone out of Medical when it was set on fire. God, I hope that’s the case.
Worry that the presents might have come from Nang made me hesitate. Then I decided, so what if they did? Nang is back on Earth and will be for a good while yet. By the time he gets back to Kalquor, I will have found a clan – or gotten myself tossed off the planet. Nang can’t bother me anymore. Fuck him.
Reassured, I rushed to put those nice sheets on my sleeping mat, ate some of the nellus, and unpacked the rest of my treasures. Mine! I get to keep all the goodies and I don’t have to worry about fending Betra off. Or offending him by giving them back. Not only that, I think our misunderstanding may have made us decent acquaintances. If I can get him to stop that stupid scenting thing he does, I could even see him as a friend.
But nothing more, for heaven’s sake. Absolutely not.
December 13
Today started off not so good. I woke up with my stomach queasy. I didn’t puke, but it definitely kept me far away from the dining room during the breakfast hours. Instead, I lay very still in my bed on my nice, soft sheets. I drifted back to sleep. By the time I woke two hours later to the sound of an incoming vid com, I felt much better.
The call was from Dusa and the boys. Oh, it hurts to see them. I wouldn’t miss any opportunity in the world to talk to them, but sometimes I feel like it’s more torture than pleasure. It doesn’t help that I notice more and more of a delay when it comes to them answering my questions and comments. The transport is getting farther away from Earth, farther away from Dusa, Esak, and Weln.
The three of them smiled sadly at me, as if they were thinking along the same lines. “Thank you so much for the vid of our clanning ceremony, Shalia,” Dusa said. “From so many angles too! You are such a talent.”
“And sneaky,” Esak said with an admiring grin. “I didn’t realize you had put those small recorders on everyone.”
“It definitely made it the perfect keepsake,” Weln chimed in. “I immediately sent copies to all our parents. Thank you from everyone in advance. I know they’ll be thrilled to receive the footage.”
“Even if I didn’t have much hair on that day,” Esak said, chuckling and rubbing his head. His hair had definitely left behind the fuzzy stage. I couldn’t even see his scars anymore.
“I’m glad you liked it,” I said. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get it to you.”
Dusa waved off my apology. “That you were there in person was all I could have hoped for. How are you?”
“Okay. I miss you all so much though.”
“We miss you too.” Dusa let his sorrow peek through. “You have to find a clan to make you happy. I hate you being alone as you are.”
I scowled at him. “It’s not even been two weeks since I left Earth, Dusa. If you think I’m going to get over you guys in that little amount of time, you don’t think very highly of me.”
He smiled. “I think only the best of you, my lovely Shalia. But a second of your unhappiness is a second too much.”
I’m not going to record all the further sickeningly sweet sentiments that were exchanged beyond that point. Suffice to say, I miss them and they wished I didn’t, because missing them means I’m not happy. Damn. Maybe I should have stayed on Earth with them and waited until they could clan me. But then Mom wouldn’t be on her way to Kalquor to get the treatment she needs, and blah-blah-blah, same old crap, different day. Fate is not kind. Fate actually is a suckfest of a bitch.
By the time I got off the com with my sweeties, lunchtime had rolled around. I was ravenous by that time, so I joined Candy and Katrina. Katrina led us in a little naughty game of ‘Guess His Size’ as to the men who walked past us. Our choices were ‘It wouldn’t keep me awake’, ‘It’ll do in a pinch’, ‘Damn boy, what have you been feeding those snakes?’ and ‘No thanks, I don’t want my pussy and ass to look like impact craters’. We laughed like the bunch of fiends we are. It got me out of the funk talking to Dusa, Esak, and Weln had put me in. Laughter really is the best medicine.
December 14
Damn it. I feel awful. My stomach is gurgling and churning. I caught a bug or something for sure. Or wait ... I’m due for my period. Overdue, in fact. My cycle always was fucked up. Yep, cramps so bad they make me nauseous. That must be what’s wrong with me. Among other things.
I’m thinking about Dusa, Esak, and Weln getting farther and farther away all the time. I’m replaying my conversation with them yesterday. I hate how they are trying to get me to put our affair behind me. Do they believe I can just switch my feelings off like that? I mean, I know I turned to Nang way too easily after Dusa and Esak left for Atlanta, even with Weln right there with me. But Nang was an awful mistake and I never stopped missing them. In fact, Nang only underscored how wonderful Dusa’s clan is. At least he served that much of a function.
It kills me to not talk to them regularly. It kills me after we’ve talked because I miss them all the more. But there’s no going back now, is there? It could be years before they get to go home to Kalquor. I’ve made my decision to go to Kalquor and find a clan. Okay. I will deal that. But not today.
Ugh, I can’t even deal with breakfast this morning. I swear I’ll puke if I try to eat. I’m just going to stay in my bed and be miserable. Maybe I’ll read a book when I finish this entry. Maybe I’ll just curl up and feel sorry for myself until I fall asleep again. Why get out of bed? Why do anything?
You know what I think would get me out of my funk? What kind of clan would help me move on from Dusa’s? Just clone Dusa’s clan. That’s all they need to do. If I can’t have Clan Dusa, give me an exact copy. That will work.
The door announce is going off. Wh
oever you are, go away. I don’t want to see anyone. Come on, stopping buzzing already. I’m not getting up.
Fuck. Someone wants to hear me scream at them, apparently.
Fine, asshole. Maybe my funky stomach will do me a favor and empty out all over you, whoever you are.
December 17
It’s been three days since my life turned upside down. I’ve been trying to record what happened in my journal, but every time I start I get freaked out. Here goes another attempt at writing down the unthinkable.
Shalia's Diary #3 Page 4