by M. Never
“Like I’m invincible.” The leather creaks as he swings his arms over his head. “It’s the happiest day of my life, and after this win, it’s going to become a whole lot better.” He’s such a cocky bastard. But I’ve learned that attitude keeps you alive and a champion.
“Ready to make our big debut?” He reaches out a hand to me.
I take one last peek outside. “No, but do I have a choice?” I bite my lip.
“Nope. I want to show off my new wife to the world.”
“Think your fangirls can handle that?”
“Probably not. But that’s their problem.”
I take his outstretched hand and follow him out the door. The paddock is a large area behind the track, equivalent to the backstage of a rock concert. The fence enclosing it is always buzzing with people. It’s only the elite or extremely lucky who get a coveted pass behind the scenes, where the riders, sponsors, and their teams prepare for the upcoming event.
As soon as we step outside, cameras’ flash and people cheer. Reese waves like the superstar he is as I cling to his arm, adjusting to all the attention. As we walk to his pit-box, he stops to sign an autograph for a young boy.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Reese asks as he scribbles on the kid’s photo.
“A motorcycle racer just like you!” the blond-haired boy exclaims.
“Damn straight, little man.” Reese gives him a fist bump, and the boy nearly jumps out of his shoes. I nearly swoon out of mine as a vision of Reese with our little boy invades my thoughts. I suddenly, and unexpectedly, can’t wait to have a child.
We finally find some calm in the sanctuary of the pit-box, a glorified garage covered with logos and professional graphics. There’s even a life-size cutout of Reese with his slogan on a banner above it—Give me fucking fast—which he made famous in an interview after he won his first world championship.
Experiencing it firsthand, I’ve come to understand why this environment is so addicting. Why racers risk it all. They exist on a different plane, finding glamor, status, and danger wrapped up in one forty-minute thrill ride.
I hang in the background as Reese goes to work—talking tyres, engines, and electronic settings with his crew. It’s all Greek to me but common conversation for them.
Someone hands Reese a box, and his face lights up. “Finally.”
He places it on the floor next to my chair and opens it up.
“What do you think?” He pulls out the helmet, showing me the butterfly design on the top. It’s the exact replica of the tattoo on my back with a big red heart in the middle.
“It’s . . .” I’m left speechless. In professional racing, helmet design is a sacred thing. It portrays the rider’s personality and feelings toward any particular race. Reese once compared it to war paint. So I understand its significance. Its resonating statement.
“Now, the whole world will see a butterfly owns my heart. Every single beat.” He kisses me proudly.
I touch the top of the smooth fiberglass, choked with emotion. “It’s beautiful.” The artwork is so intricate and vibrant; it almost feels alive.
“It’s going to be even more beautiful when I’m holding it on top of a podium.” He presses his lips passionately against mine before he’s called away. “Watch me win.” He slips on the helmet and stands before me. Every inch of my body pulsates, electrified by the modern looking warrior. By the phantom I never saw coming.
“I promise I’ll never take my eyes off you.”
I stare at the caption under the picture.
“Sealed the deal at sunrise.”
I’ve been obsessing over this post ever since I saw it. They fucking got married. It enrages me. I dissect Kayla in her simple white dress looking beyond beautiful and beyond happy. After I walked away, the sun set and never rose again.
“When the regret sets in, remember you did this to yourself.”
I do regret it. I regret everything. I thought I was doing the right thing, but all I’ve become is a shell of a man, miserable and heartbroken. There is a gaping hole in my chest and rage racing through my veins. I refrain from smashing my phone, overcome with violent thoughts of kicking my bike over and beating it with a crowbar until it’s unrecognizable. Until the anger dissipates. I’m a fucking idiot, and the universe loves to remind me by twisting the goddamn knife.
They got fucking married. I stare off into space, rocking obsessively back and forth on my Kawasaki. The bike Reese had designed specifically for me.
Nothing has any appeal, not riding or working or even hanging out at a rally. I wish I was too dead to care—about Reese, about Kayla—but my feelings are like open season.
Knight and Tammy do their best to engage me in conversation, but my responses are short, clipped, annoyed. I want no part of interacting. I zero in on Riley riding around like a fool, vying for a group of girls’ attention, one of whom has been eye-fucking me all night. My vacant soul only reads her body as one thing. Anesthesia. A numbing agent to dull the pain. A temporary escape from my living hell. The hell I chose.
Fuck this. I’ve had enough socialization for one day. I turn on my bike. “I’m out,” I tell Knight.
“C’mon, man, stay.” He tries to persuade me, but it’s just not happening. I’ve had my fucking fill of happy couples. At the rate he and Tammy are going, I won’t be surprised if I find myself standing at an altar dressed in a monkey suit by year’s end. I need a distraction, a disruption, an interference. Right now, tonight. I pull right up to the cute blonde, slipping further into a pit of despair.
“What’s your name?” I ask aloofly over the idling engine.
“Eileen.” She bats her big blue eyes. Falsely innocent eyes.
“Hop on.”
The petite woman dressed in jeans and Converse sneakers doesn’t hesitate.
Her arms feel like lead around my waist as I ride away.
A distraction, a disruption, an interference, I remind myself continuously as I drive to my house. As we walk through the door. As we climb the stairs. As we shed our clothes. As I sink my teeth into the condom.
“When the regret sets in, remember you did this to yourself.”
I can barely keep my eyes open. The last two months have kicked my ass, and we’re nowhere near through with our ‘round-the-world adventure. The plane bumps from turbulence, jolting me awake. Reese grabs my hand. “Hey, it’s okay.” I must look startled.
“I’m fine,” I reassure my husband. “Just really tired.”
“I know.” He kisses my hand. “It’s go, go, go all the time. Takes some getting used to. You’ll have a chance to rest when we get back to the States.”
“I can’t wait. All I want is my pillow and a huge plate of home fries from Joe’s.”
“Soon enough.” He chuckles.
The stewardess hands out the customs forms as we ascend closer to Brussels. We have a two-hour layover before heading across the Atlantic to Baltimore.
I begin to fill out the form, stopping at the date. “What’s today?”
Reese looks at his gargantuan watch. “May tenth.”
I pause. “Already?”
“Yup, all day,” he confirms, finding my lack of timekeeping endearing. There’s nothing cute about it, because I suddenly can’t remember the last time I got my period. I finish the paperwork and hand it to the flight attendant, overly anxious. I can’t be pregnant. I’ve been off the pill . . . Almost two months.
Shit.
In the airport terminal, Reese sits quietly wearing his white Beats while I internally go crazy. The sound of muffled thumping bass agitating my fanatical thoughts. Am I? Could I be? I count days, times, possibilities of conceiving until it consumes me.
As Reese relaxes with his eyes closed, I decide I have to put my mind at ease. I can’t wait another eight excruciating hours to find out.
I tell Reese I’m going to grab a snack before I race to the closest terminal mart. They have everything from mouthwash to maxi pads, and in the bo
ttom corner, tucked away, I spot pregnancy tests. I just won the lottery. I grab two boxes and swipe my card, darting to the bathroom across the way. I lock myself in a handicap stall and pee on the stick, my heart beating in my chest like a high-speed round of power punches. I sit and watch the little window, every second agony.
A blue color finally starts to materialize. My stomach bottoms out as a cross, plain as day, stares back at me. I blink in disbelief. Positive. If I weren’t sitting down, I’d fall over. I pant heavily, shaken up with a cocktail of emotions. Happiness being the main one. Reese said he didn’t care if we got pregnant. Well, I hope he was serious because our life is about to change in the most drastic way. A tear escapes down my cheek as I recap the test and place it back in the box.
I hurry back to Reese, who’s completely unaware I’m about to deliver news that will forever change his life. I sit down next to him, brimming with excitement, fear, and elation.
He perks up, reading my facial expression.
“Everything all right?” He slides the headphones off.
I nod zealously. “At least, I think it is.” I hand him the box discreetly. His eyes widen to the size of satellites when he sees the picture on the front. “Open it.” I lean in and whisper.
Reese, with shaky fingers, opens the top tab and pulls out the test. The second he sees the plus sign, he knows, too. My secret. Our secret. The breath he expels is audible as he stares at the stick.
“What do you think?” I ask nervously.
He doesn’t reply.
“Reese?” I quickly become apprehensive. Maybe he isn’t happy. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him. Maybe it’s a mistake.
Reese places the test back in the box without a word, and I panic.
“You’re upset? It’s too soon?” My eyes water. “You said you didn’t care. That you wanted it.”
He abruptly silences me with a kiss, smashing his mouth so hard against mine that it cuts off my intake of air.
“I do want it.” His tone is hushed, laced with emotion. “But you just blindsided the shit out of me, woman.” He laughs through tears. “You didn’t even drop a hint.” He pulls away to look at me, his eyes shiny.
“I only realized it on the plane.” I take his hand and place it on my stomach. “It’s okay, right?”
“It’s so okay. More than okay.” He kisses me again, deliriously happy. Sheer jubilation surges through my system.
“I’m gonna be a daddy!” Reese stands up and screams, grabbing everyone’s attention in the terminal. I want to crawl into a hole. Why must he announce things to the entire world? I pull him back down into his seat as people respond with congratulations.
“You’re nuts.”
“And you’re . . .” He just shakes his head and stares in awe.
“I’m what?”
“Everything. Just everything.” We kiss for what feels like hours. A new bond forming between us.
“Can you do me a favor?” I ask between enthusiastic embraces.
“Anything.” He slashes his tongue between my lips.
“Can we wait to announce it? I want to see a doctor and tell Sam in person. I don’t want our friends and family finding out through social media.” The moment I say it, I picture Dev’s face. I wonder how he’s going to take the news. I wonder what he thinks of our marriage. Reese hasn’t spoken to him since we left, and so much has changed in the last two months.
Nearly everything.
“I think that’s a good idea. I’d like to tell Dev face-to-face that he’s going to be an uncle.”
We share the same look of trepidation. We both know this news is going to affect him and not in a positive way. The way things ended will always upset me. Always haunt me. It could have been different.
I wouldn’t choose in the beginning. I wouldn’t choose in the end.
Reese wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I immediately cuddle up next to him. His body has become my safe haven.
There’s nothing left for us to do but move forward.
And we are.
Full fucking steam ahead.
We got home close to midnight. I’m usually an early riser no matter the time I fall asleep, but this morning, I feel like death. Reese got up hours ago to work out. We have four days before we have to leave again, so I plan to make the most of the time. Starting with coffee. No, not coffee. I’m pregnant. Shit. Laundry. I’ll start with laundry. The life of a motorcycle champion’s wife is so glamorous.
Knowing Reese, he’ll be gone a majority of the day. Something about dirt biking with Riley and Knight. I wasn’t listening; I wanted to sleep.
I grab my phone off the nightstand to check the time. It’s odd waking up in my own bed but gloriously familiar.
I have several text messages. One from Sam confirming lunch. Check. One from Reese bidding the baby and me good morning. Smile. And one from Tammy begging for a double date. I surmise the outlook is favorable.
I find myself grinning. I didn’t realize how much I missed being home until I actually came back.
I drag myself out of bed and empty the clothes from our suitcases. There’s enough laundry to keep me folding for a week. Lovely.
I empty Reese’s black backpack as well, the one he doesn’t go anywhere without. He usually keeps some spare clothes in there. As I dump the bag, a few shirts fall out along with a pack of gum and a pair of sunglasses. But I also hear a rattling sound. I search the bag but come up empty. What the fuck? I’m not crazy. I shake it again and blatantly hear the tink-tink-tink. Determined, I turn the book bag inside out, noticing a small tear on the inside seam. I fish my hand inside the hole and pull out two prescription bottles with Dev’s name on them.
Huh?
I read the label more closely and recognize the medication. An ACE inhibitor, which is usually prescribed to manage heart conditions. And this dose is high. Extremely high. Who is Dr. Sanders? Why would he prescribe Dev heart meds, and why does Reese have them? My head swims. What the fuck is going on?
I text Reese immediately before I throw a load of clothes in the washer. I shower quickly, opting out of doing my hair or makeup.
Reese doesn’t respond which only irritates me.
Since I’m supposed to meet Sam in a half hour, a face-to-face with Reese will just have to wait. Or will it? As I open the front door, Reese races into the driveway on his muddy dirt bike.
“Kayla?” He parks the bike, charging toward me. “Is everything all right? Your text was cryptic.”
“I’m fine,” I bite, digging in my purse to pull out the pills. “What the fuck are these?”
Reese turns white. The nickname Phantom fitting.
“Where did you get those?” he asks defensively.
“I found them in your book bag. Hidden in the lining. Why do you have Dev’s pills?” I push.
He works his jaw, his eyes jumping between my face and the amber bottles.
“Reese?” I stress.
“They’re mine,” he confesses stoically.
“Yours?” I reply perplexed. “If they’re yours, why do they have Dev’s name on them? And what doctor in his right mind would prescribe a dose so high? These are some serious meds.”
“A doctor who knows his patient is a professional motorcycle racer.”
“I don’t understand. Explain,” I demand, desperate to connect the dots.
Before Reese can utter a word, it all comes crashing together, making perfect sense. The extra “pain” pills Dev gave Reese. Why he wouldn’t let me touch them. Why he’s so tired all the time, pale, weak. The obsession with his leather bag, and why he won’t let it out of his sight.
“How sick are you?” I can barely choke out the words.
“I’m not sure. I’m supposed to see Dev while I’m here,” he divulges, not a trace of reaction on his face.
“Why do you need to see Dev?” But as I ask the question, I already know the answer. “Because he treats you.”
Reese gestures with his head. “No sponsor would
ever sign a rider who wasn’t in perfect physical health, let alone one with a heart condition. My career would have been over before it even began.”
“Your career!” I erupt. “What about your body? Your demanding lifestyle is taxing it to the max. You know that, right? The strain you put on your heart could kill you!” I shout. The thought of our child growing up without a father crushes me. He was already pushing his luck with his profession. But this?
“I know!” he pops off. “And I don’t care! I have nothing else to live for! It’s my life! I can’t walk away!” he screams at me like he’s possessed.
“You have nothing else to live for?” The tears well in seconds. “What about me? And our child? And our future? They’re all things you wanted, Reese. All things you pushed for.”
“Kayla, that’s not what I meant. I do want all those things.” He takes a distressed step toward me. “That came out completely wrong.”
“No, it didn’t.” I back away. “It’s exactly how you feel. Dev told me nothing would be more important to you than racing, and he was right.”
“No, he wasn’t. You’re more important than anything.” His tone is dire.
“If that were true, you wouldn’t have married me under false pretenses! You wouldn’t have lied! You would have told me the truth!”
“I couldn’t!”
“Yes, you could!” Enraged, hurt, and deceived, I storm out of the house.
“Kayla!” Reese follows behind me so close he could be my damn shadow.
“Get away from me, Reese.” I escape into my truck.
“Where are you going?” he demands.
“Away from you! I need some space. Some time to think.” I slam the door and start the engine.
“Kayla!” Reese yanks on the handle, making a spectacle in my driveway. “You can’t leave!”
“Watch me.” I reverse, forcing him to step back or lose a toe.
I drive off, tears blurring my vision, my heart tearing in two.
“Stay with him and you’re condemning yourself to heartbreak.”
Dev was so fucking right. Why didn’t I listen? Reese is sick. He’s hiding his illness, and if the world finds out, he’ll lose everything. But if he keeps racing, I could lose him, and our child could lose their father.