“Good idea, Dixie,” AI concurred.
Whistlin’ Dixie started whistling the McCavity’s UltraPaste jingle (in perfect tune, as always) while she and the rest of the leaguers hauled out cases of the toothpaste.
“Meanwhile, I’ll deliver this vile villain to prison where he belongs,” said AI. “I suspect this is one evil genius who’s learned the consequences of not brushing your teeth.”
“Or flossing,” piped up Professor Brain-Drain just as the final credits began to run across the screen.
Another great episode, I thought to myself. Just then I heard my mom calling me for breakfast. As I got up to turn off the TV, a commercial for McCavity’s came on. I never used to like their toothpaste because it sticks to your teeth and sort of tastes like mushrooms, but if AI recommended it, I would have to give it another try.
My ultimate goal is to be just like the Amazing Indestructo—minus the superpower, of course—because, after all, he is the greatest hero ever!
CHAPTER TWO
Breakfast of Champions
“OB, it’s time to eat,” my mom called again just as I came running down the stairs. Mom and Dad both call me OB. I sort of like it, except when my friends are around. All the kids call me “O Boy.”
When I came into the kitchen, my mom was holding a pitcher of juice. The icicles that hang in strips from the arms of her powder-blue costume were all jingling against each other.
“Here, honey. Have a glass of orange juice while your father finishes scrambling the eggs.”
“It’s kind of warm, Mom,” I said as she handed me the glass. This is a routine that Mom and I do every morning. She gave a quick wink, and then her eyes focused on the glass. In about two seconds, I felt it chill to exactly the right temperature.
NAME: Snowflake. POWER: Able to freeze anything just by focusing her gaze on it. LIMITATIONS: Objects must be within a radius of a hundred feet. CAREER: After a stint with the New Crusaders, Snowflake took a high-level position with the Corpsicle Coolant Corporation. CLASSIFICATION: A coolheaded, class act.
NAME: Thermo. POWER: The ability to generate intense levels of heat in his hands. LIMITATIONS: His power is not always under control. Be careful when shaking hands with Thermo. CAREER: A member of the New Crusaders throughout his twenties, Thermo has spent most of the last decade heating the fryers at Dr. Telomere’s Potato Chip Factory. CLASSIFICATION: An impressive power as long as he doesn’t get too hotheaded.
“So what was the Amazing Indestructo up to this morning?” my dad asked casually as he balanced the frying pan on the palm of his left hand. “Saving Superopolis again with that group of no-talents?”
Dad doesn’t mean to sound bitter, but sometimes he can’t help it. The League of Ultimate Goodness has rejected him every time he’s attempted to join. He’s determined to return to crime fighting, though. Thanks to all the money Mom makes from her job at the coolant laboratory, he was able to quit his job heating the fryers at Dr. Telomere’s Potato Chip Factory. Since then, he’s devoted all his time to joining a crime-fighting team.
He even bought a new costume! It has a bright-yellow circle in the middle of his chest that gradually turns to orange and then red, making it look like a three-dimensional fireball. The rest of the costume is a brilliant scarlet. He hadn’t put on his yellow cape and boots yet this morning, but they make him look even snazzier. As a final touch, Dad also dabs a little gel in his thick red hair and styles it to look like flames. His hands, of course, are always kept bare so he can use his power.
“Don’t let it upset you, dear,” Mom said calmly as he scooped the scrambled eggs onto our plates. “Could you heat up some water for my tea before you sit down?”
I felt bad for Dad as I watched him fill up the teakettle and then set it on the palm of his hand. He had been pretty hot stuff (no pun intended) when he was younger and part of a popular group of heroes called the New Crusaders.
I found Dad’s collection of newspaper clippings once. There were plenty of stories in the gossip columns because of all the super heroines he dated. The papers gave him nicknames like Hot Hands and Hot-to-Trot and things like that. (He doesn’t know that I know this stuff!) But he met my mom when she joined the New Crusaders, and that part of his life changed forever. They fell in love and both retired from crime fighting.
I know he misses it, though, and I really hope he gets into the League one of these days. Then I might get to meet AI!
“I know you want to join,” my mother consoled him, “but maybe the Amazing Indestructo just doesn’t remember what a successful hero you used to be.”
“How could anyone have forgotten”—and here Dad switched to his best booming superhero voice—“the awesome power of Thermo!” Unfortunately, the teakettle resting on his hand began to whistle at exactly the same moment.
“You’ll have your chance again, dear,” Mom said as he poured the boiling water into her teacup. “Opportunity comes when you least expect it.”
“I sure hope so,” he said dejectedly. He ripped open a bag of Dr. Telomere’s X-tra Crispy Potato Chips and filled the potato chip bowl that always sat in the center of our table. “Uh-oh, this is our last bag. I’ll have to go to the grocery store today.”
As he sat down, my mother and I both took a handful of chips and crushed them, sprinkling the crumbs on top of our scrambled eggs. There’s no meal that you can’t improve with potato chips!
Later that afternoon, while I was playing with my Amazing Indestructo action figure and his Fortress of Rectitude play set, Dad called up to see if I wanted to go to the store with him.
“Absolutely,” I shouted back.
I love going to the grocery store! Especially with Dad, who never argues about anything I want to buy. Dad was at the front door, ready to go, but as I reached the bottom of the stairs, Mom appeared with a list.
“This is everything we need,” she said. “I know you two go overboard every time I send you to the store together, so I’m making a new rule. Besides the items on this list, you’re only allowed to purchase two things of your own choosing. Got that? Two! Now have a good time, boys.”
It was a typical busy Saturday afternoon at the Mighty Mart. (“It’s mighty smart, shopping at the Mighty Mart,” says their jingle.) Dad and I started off in the produce section. I had to handle all the fruits and vegetables. If Dad did that, he might accidentally cook them on the spot. Dad never meant to turn fresh tomatoes into sun-dried tomatoes, but it had happened before. We were being watched carefully by the store manager, Mr. Mister. His mouth was open wide as he breathed a fine watery mist onto a section of lettuces, but his eyes were fixed on Dad.
The next aisle was baked goods, and both our eyes lit up. Dad is a huge fan of Maximizer Power Cakes. He believes their creamy center fillings enhance his powers, or “maximize” them, as their ads claim. In reality, I think they only maximize Dad’s waistline. A few feet away I spotted the entire line of Amazing Indestructo Doughnut Hole Heroes. They came in a dozen different varieties!
I had no idea which to choose. My favorite was Cinnamon Cyclone. But I also loved Blueberry Bonanza. What to do? Then I spotted the Doughnut Hole Heroes Hodgepodge Assortment: All Twelve Varieties in One Box! Grabbing it from the shelf, I returned to the cart just as Dad was about to set a box of cherry-flavored Maximizer Power Cakes in it.
“This will use up both our choices,” he said.
“We should put one of them back,” I suggested.
“You can have some of my Power Cakes,” he offered.
“I don’t like cherry,” I replied, holding my ground. “But mine is a variety pack. There’s something for everyone in here.”
Dad had no good response to my superior logic. I could tell he was flustered because his fingers were starting to leave singe marks on the box of Power Cakes. I also saw Mr. Mister following us with narrowed eyes.
“Okay,” Dad finally said, glancing over at the nosy store manager. “We’ll take them both for now and figure it out later.�
�
In the next aisle we ran into one of Dad’s old friends.
“BB! How’s it going?” Dad said. “I haven’t seen you in ages.”
Dad and the Big Bouncer went way back to when they were both part of the New Crusaders. The Big Bouncer is about as round as he is tall, but that’s perfect for his power. Anyone who comes after him just bounces right off. Even better, with something to push off against, he can go bouncing in any direction. He has a kid in my grade named Cannonball, who, unlike his dad, plows through things instead of bouncing off them. He’s also unlike his father in that he’s kind of a creep.
“Hi, Thermo. Hi, Ordinary Boy. It’s good to see you,” he said, trying to sound cheerful, even though he looked miserable. “I’m working here now. I was turned down again by the League of Ultimate Goodness. And, of course, none of the younger teams has any interest in an older guy like me.”
“Don’t I know it,” my father agreed. “They gave me the brush-off, too, just a few weeks ago.”
The Big Bouncer picked up a case of canned carrots and plopped down on his butt. He immediately bounced up about ten feet and set the case on the top shelf. He landed back on his feet without missing a beat.
“I just don’t get it. We used to be the best. Now here I am stocking the shelves at the Mighty Mart.”
NAME: Big Bouncer, The. POWER: Rubbery and round, the Big Bouncer has skills remarkably similar to those of an elastic ball. LIMITATIONS: Often a victim of the three laws of motion. CAREER: A founding member of the New Crusaders, his crime-fighting career never rebounded after the team’s retirement. CLASSIFICATION: There’s always a chance of this hero bouncing back.
“Don’t worry, BB,” my dad said as we continued with our shopping. “Things will work out … somehow.”
The next aisle had candy on one side and things like nuts and popcorn on the other. I grabbed a large bag of SugarJolt Chocolate Energy Pills and Dad picked up a multipack of Turkey Jerky Rinds. We both knew there was no hope of compromise here.
“Let’s just put them in the cart for now,” Dad said.
The next section was the first of the two potato chip aisles. This one contained nothing but one-pound bags of original flavor Dr. Telomere’s X-tra Crispy Potato Chips. When Dad worked at the factory we got all our potato chips for free. Now we have to buy them like everybody else. Mom’s list said to get thirteen bags. We filled up the cart with ten regular bags and then tried to decide which special varieties to choose this week.
My current favorite is the popcorn-flavored chips, while Mom likes the barbecue-flavored variety of Telomere’s crinkle-cut style. Dad, as usual, could not make up his mind. I knew that it would be a good fifteen minutes before he decided, so I headed over to the comic book rack.
I was just getting to the good part in the newest issue of The Amazing Indestructo (and the League of Ultimate Goodness) when all of a sudden the Mighty Mart was rocked by an enormous muffled explosion.
DR. TELOMERE’S POTATO CHIP FACTORY:
Superopolis’s most successful business by far, the Dr. Telomere’s brand of potato chips has become a staple in every home thanks to their perpetual crunch and their all-around salty, fried goodness. The Dr. Telomere’s factory is located at the base of the Carbunkle Mountains within the confines of sprawling Telomere Park. Most people assume that Dr. Telomere is a fictional character created as a marketing device to sell potato chips, although rumors of a genuine Dr. Telomere still persist.
CHAPTER THREE
Mayhem at the Mighty Mart
As I ran toward the explosion (after all, that’s what superheroes do) I noticed other heroes from all over the store converging on the paper products aisle. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I got there. A villain was on a rampage!
“No one will ridicule the Multiplier ever again,” the criminal screeched, pitching rolls of toilet paper at everyone.
I immediately pulled out my Li’l Hero’s Handbook and looked him up. Sure enough, there was an entry on a villain called the Multiplier.
According to the book, the problem for the Multiplier was that he just couldn’t make duplicates fast enough to cause any real harm. And he could only duplicate small things. If he tried duplicating a car, for instance, he might end up with a fender or a steering wheel or maybe just a dipstick. As a result, his crimes had all been fairly small (duplicating stamps, making copies of winning lottery tickets—that sort of thing), and the Li’l Hero’s Handbook classified him as a minuscule threat—possibly the most embarrassing thing that could be said about a supervillain.
NAME: Multiplier, The. POWER: Has the ability to make an exact duplicate of anything he touches. LIMITATIONS: Power works slowly and only on small items. CAREER: Turned briefly and ineffectively to crime in his late teens; inactive ever since. CLASSIFICATION: Minuscule threat.
Somehow that had all changed. As I watched him multiplying rolls of toilet paper out of control, I knew he must have figured out a way to speed up his power.
Behind the Multiplier, the paper products aisle was now hopelessly clogged. It didn’t look like the Multiplier even needed to touch the rolls to create duplicates. Then, over the sounds of the commotion, I heard metal groaning. It took me a moment to realize that it was caused by the pressure of all those rolls of toilet paper building up in the aisle with no place to go.
“Tremble before the awesome power of the Multiplier,” the villain shrieked in that way that only a previously powerless person can.
There was a moment of almost complete silence as both the villain and the heroes surrounding him paused and looked back at the mountain of toilet paper. Suddenly, the long shelves on either side of the aisle gave way. The metallic groan grew louder and louder, and then all at once the shelves creaked and buckled and finally toppled over. Heroes, in a very unheroic way, began screaming and running as the shelves on both sides of the paper products aisle flopped over in both directions. This started a chain reaction as those shelves crashed against other shelves like falling dominos.
“Hey, you guys,” I shouted to the throngs of fleeing heroes. “Shouldn’t you be rushing to the rescue rather than running away like cowards?”
That was all the guilt it took. Heroes paused for just a moment before turning to face the threat. Some went to the aid of trapped shoppers while others did what they could to stop the tumbling shelves. But it wasn’t easy. The release of all that built-up pressure had caused the toilet paper rolls to explode into the air, and they were now raining down on everyone.
The heroes not focused on the cascading shelves were having even less luck dealing with either the toilet paper, which now seemed to be everywhere, or the Multiplier, who continued creating more rolls which he launched with pinpoint accuracy at the helpless superheroes. I felt completely powerless, which wasn’t unusual for me, but then I was distracted by a familiar voice behind me.
“That’s quite enough, Multiplier,” boomed the authoritative voice of Thermo. “All this toilet paper should be just enough to get you through your next prison term.” As Dad stepped in front of me, the Multiplier whipped two rolls directly at him. Thermo never blinked. Instead he caught both of them, one in each hand. His hands began to glow red, and both rolls of toilet paper burst into flames.
Before the Multiplier knew what was happening, the two flaming rolls were hurtling back in his direction. As the Multiplier ducked to get out of their way, he tripped and stumbled into a pile of toilet paper. He struggled to his feet with his cape now in flames. Then, before he could launch another attack, a large rolling object came rumbling up behind him at full speed.
“The Big Bouncer!” my dad said with an enormous grin.
The Multiplier had only half a second to turn and look before the shelf-stocking superhero smashed into him. The Big Bouncer came to a stop, and everyone in the store watched in amazement as the villain went sailing across the front checkout area like a flaming comet. At the top of his arc, I saw something small drop from his hands and fall to the f
loor. But the Multiplier continued on, finally crashing smack into a huge pyramid of onions all the way over in Produce and knocking himself unconscious. Mr. Mister stepped up to him and blew a fine mist over the flaming villain until the fire was out. He gave my dad an irritated look.
Meanwhile, I ran toward the object that the Multiplier had dropped. But before I could get to it, I heard a rumble coming from the ceiling above me. Everybody rushed to get out of the way as something crashed through the roof. In the cloud of debris, all I could see was a foot landing right on the object that the Multiplier had dropped, smashing it to bits.
Then, as the smoke and dust cleared, all my curiosity about the object vanished in an instant. Because standing there, right before my very eyes, was the Amazing Indestructo himself! Live and in person! The smoke was coming from his rocket pack. I was frozen with awe. He shut off his rocket blasters and turned toward the unconscious Multiplier.
“No one panic,” he said in that powerful voice I’d know anywhere. “I can handle this dastardly deed doer.”
Before my dad or the Big Bouncer could say anything, the Amazing Indestructo pulled the crumpled villain from the pile of onions and hauled him back to the spot beneath the hole in the roof.
“And while you’re shopping, folks, remember that the Amazing Indestructo brand of dishwashing detergent is invulnerable to grease!” With that he started up his rocket pack and blasted back through the roof, taking the still-unconscious Multiplier with him. The customers in the store erupted in applause and then stampeded their way to the cleaning products aisle.
The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy, Book One: The Hero Revealed Page 2