Josh licked his bottom lip and shoved his hands in his pockets.
I couldn’t tell if he wanted to say anything or not. He’d always been a tough one to read, and getting feelings out of him was damn near impossible.
The awkward silence stretching across the bar was suffocating, so I filled it before he could.
“You should go sleep. I won’t make any noise. I’ll stop playin’.”
“No, don’t stop. I don’t mind.” He waved his hand in the air and slumped to the stairs. I waited until he’d reached the top before continuing with my song.
My voice shook pretty bad knowing he could hear me. I wasn’t usually nervous playing for anybody, but the rift between us was like a chasm. I had to cross it. I just didn’t know how.
*****
It was past noon. Brock had been by, given me some muttering speech that made me feel like shit. I knew I’d done wrong, I didn’t need reminding!
I hated that the rumor wheel would already be spinning. Gossip spread too damn fast in this town. They were going to burn me on a stake if I didn’t make it right…and fast.
There was only one thing left to do. I had to tell Josh the truth, and if he didn’t want me back after that, my only choice was to walk away.
The idea killed me. It’d taken me way too long to figure out this place was home, and to have to leave it so soon stung like poison ivy.
Climbing the stairs like an old woman, I stopped outside the bedroom door and lightly knocked. A low grumble came from behind the wood, so I creaked the door open and stepped inside.
He hadn’t bothered closing the curtains to sleep, so I could see him clear as day. He was still in his clothes and boots, like he’d just fallen onto the mattress and slept.
“Josh?” I nudged his shoulder with my hand and stepped back when he rolled over to face me.
As soon as his bleary eyes cleared, I wished to God I had stayed downstairs. Sleep had done nothing to revive his mood. If anything, it’d only made it blacker. Curse dreams and nightmares. What’s the bet his nap had stirred up all kind of emotions I wasn’t ready for.
He sat up with that angry dog look on his face and made me feel as big as a snail. “What the hell are you doing here, Rachel?”
I lifted my chin against his tone, crossing my arms to hide my shaking. “I needed to come back and see you. To make it right.”
“You can’t make it right!”
“I can sure as hell try!”
His face pinched with a tight frown and he looked away from me.
“Just let me tell you what happened.”
“What happened?” His head snapped back in my direction. “I can tell you exactly what happened. The love of my life walked out that door and went to the big city to whore herself to some no-name agent who treated her like a worthless piece of trash. Was it him? Did he give you them bruises?”
I brushed my face, acting like it was nothing. I could never tell Josh the details of that beating. Whether he loved me still or not, he couldn’t tolerate violence against women, and I didn’t want him committing murder.
“Look, I know I made a mistake, Josh. Please, just let me explain. I didn’t whore myself to anybody.”
He shot me an incredulous look.
“I didn’t! I may have danced half-naked and posed for photos, but no one touched this body. It’s yours. Only yours. I—”
His pointed look didn’t help my nerves none. I was hoping my only yours statement would soften him, but it didn’t.
I swallowed a couple of times and pulled my shoulders back.
“I shouldn’t have signed that contract. I was a fool who rushed in without thinking it through and understanding all the details. I got caught up in what I thought would be something amazing and it wasn’t. It turned out to be a total con. I never read the small print. I should have listened to you.”
His right eyebrow rose in a silent I told you so.
My forehead wrinkled in desperation. “I can’t change that now.”
“How could you stay and let them do that to you?”
“Because I was under contract!” I threw my arms wide. “They threatened to sue me. I couldn’t afford that and they knew it. They knew I’d have to come to you for help, and they knew you were the kind of man that would sell everything to save me. I couldn’t let that happen.”
His eyes swirled with a dark anger. “What makes you think I’d want to keep this bar over you? I loved you!”
He’d never said that to me before. I mean, I’d always been pretty sure he did, but I’d never heard him say it, and there he was, finally shouting the words, but in the wrong tense.
“You don’t love me anymore?” I swallowed, biting my lips together and pinching my arms until it hurt.
He looked away from me, his jaw clenching tight.
It took everything in me not to cry. I could barely speak and ended up croaking out, “Well, I love you still, and I didn’t want you to be ruined. I know how much this place means to you.”
“You meant everything to me.” He shot off the bed, turning away from me and leaning against the window. “Seeing you like that…” His voice was a broken whisper. “What you did to yourself…that ruined me.”
I swallowed, bile surging up my throat. “You said you’d always forgive me.”
“I can’t forgive you for this,” he muttered.
A sob shook my belly, a soft whimper coming out my throat. Pinching my nose, I covered my mouth and fled from the room before he could see me fall apart. I busted into the single room we used to share and slammed the door behind me. Dropping to my knees, I curled over on myself and cried like I never had before.
I cried for my shame…for a past I couldn’t undo.
I cried for my mother.
And I bled for Josh.
Chapter Forty-Six
Rachel
Josh didn’t come to comfort me. I knew he wouldn’t. He’d been hurt too many times in his life to let me do any more damage. He’d lost his mother at birth, his father to war, his aunt to cancer, and I’d simply walked away. I was the only love he’d known that had rejected him, and he wasn’t about to give me a second chance. Why should he?
I cried until I was weak with exhaustion and fell asleep right on the floor.
When I woke, I could hear the bar in full swing downstairs. The chatter was loud, that familiar buzz reaching me from the stairs. I couldn’t stay another night. My time was up, so I dragged my sorry ass off that floor and threw my belongings into the small bag I had with me. The only thing left to get was my guitar, which I’d left down on the stage.
I didn’t want to face everybody, but like hell I was leaving Leo’s gift behind¸ so I clomped down those stairs in my favorite pair of boots and held my head high.
I’d done all I could do, and I just had to leave with as much dignity as I could muster. It wasn’t much, but I clung to it anyway.
No one noticed me at first. I kept my gaze on the wooden floor and moved to the stage, but the second I stepped up to get the guitar, a hush raced across the room. I glanced over my shoulder and took in the crowd of familiar faces. A few low murmurs and whispered words fluttered into the air, but nothing could cancel out the oppressive silence and range of stares. Most people were glaring at me.
I worked my jaw to the side, wanting the earth to open up and take me right there, but it didn’t, and I was stuck as the center of attention. I glanced at Josh. He was staring at me with a sad hollowness that hurt. It was easier to bear than his anger, maybe because there was an openness to it.
With a soft sigh, I turned back to my guitar, and I don’t know what compelled me to do it, but I lifted the strap over my shoulder and settled it against my stomach.
Switching on the mic, I adjusted it and spoke before I could get booed off the stage.
“I know y’all probably hate me right now, and I guess you have good reason. Y’all won’t ever know the full story, but this much is true…I screwed up.” My lips twitc
hed, begging me to shut my mouth, but I ignored my instinct and kept talking. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d allow me to sing one last song.”
I waited for the jeers and shouts, but none came. If anything, they seemed to settle into their seats.
I couldn’t look at Josh as I tuned my guitar. I could barely breathe. I was about to do something I’d never done before.
“This is a song I wrote for Josh and, ah…” I shrugged, tongue-tied and emotional. “It’s called ‘Home.’”
Don’t know why I thought my dreams lay far from you
Existed miles from your door
Had to chase them, get away and find the truth
But all I got was lost
City lights, the hum, the fame is what I craved
But it just left me feeling low
Tried to fight it, to deny all my despair
But had to finally face the truth
That you’re my home, you’re my home
You’re the place where I belong
I rest my head upon your shoulder and I’m home
Your kiss is life, your love divine
It’s the only place I shine
So I’m back to the only love I know
You’re my home
My only home
Chapter Forty-Seven
Josh
She wrote a song for me—one she performed in front of everybody. Not only that, it was called “Home.” She sang the word home, and she was talking about me.
My gaze was glued to her for the entire song. Her voice had never sounded so sweet and pure. It was raw with honesty and so incredibly beautiful, I forgot to breathe. I couldn’t talk when she was done. No one could. Her song finished and the place fell silent.
I felt bad for her at first, until I noticed the tears in Millie Rae’s eyes and a lopsided smile from Brock.
Ol’ Dan grinned up at the stage and shouted out, “Keep on singing, sweetheart, but don’t you be thinking about making me cry again. Give me some country goodness!”
Cheers went up around the bar and Rachel chuckled, glancing at me for approval. I nodded my wooden head but couldn’t crack a smile. Her song had stripped me naked and I was damn scared, still fighting my instinct with logic. What if she hurt me again? What if she meant it now but changed her mind later?
“Josh, get me another beer, will ya?” Brock’s request pulled me out of my daze, and I grabbed out a fresh glass as Rachel started singing “Chicken Fried.” Ol’ Dan whooped and a few cheers went up. It was the perfect choice.
I ignored Brock’s knowing smile as I plonked the fresh brew in front of him.
“Shut your face,” I muttered, turning my back on him and fighting a smile of my own.
*****
Rachel stayed ’til closing, stacking all the chairs and sweeping the floor for me. She’d insisted Harriet get on home and won the argument pretty damn easily. I hadn’t said anything to her. I hated that I was so useless with words, but emotions always tied my tongue in a big ol’ knot and these particular words were the overpowering kind that had my throat restricting, as well.
Her boots sounded loud on the wooden floor, but not enough to drown out the jukebox. “I Hope You Dance” was playing—one of Rachel’s favorite songs. It seemed to be the night for soulful tunes, and I almost dreaded what was coming next.
Rachel stopped at the bar, and I was glad for the barricade between us. If she came within a breath of me, I’d fall apart on the spot. Her sweet smell and delicate curls had always been my undoing.
“Do you want me to do anything else?”
I shook my head, focusing on the dishtowel in my hands.
She gripped the guitar case handle and nodded. “I know there’s nothing I can say to erase what I did, and I know one song ain’t gonna fix it either, but if you ever change your mind…” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper. “Here’s my new number.” She held it out to me.
“What happened to your old one?”
“It was…” She shook her head and muttered, “Broken.”
I took the paper from her, wondering what she wasn’t saying, and tucked it into my back pocket. Her gaze was sad as she drank me in.
“Thanks for letting me stay.”
“Where you going tonight?”
“Millie said I could stay with her and Brock until I’ve got myself figured out.” She pressed her lips together as if she didn’t want to tell me more, but then blurted, “There was a couple in LA who helped me out. Saved my life, really. They offered to have me if you wouldn’t…”
I looked away from her sad expression. I swear my chest was being pounded with a battering ram.
“I’m really sorry for ruining everything. I didn’t—” Her soft sigh made me cringe. “For what it’s worth, I love you and I can’t see that changing…ever. You’ll always be my home, Grizz.”
As if fate was working for us, the jukebox started playing, “Feels Like Home.”
I had to look at her then, drink in that beautiful face.
She glanced at the jukebox with a wistful smile and turned for the door. “Goodbye, Josh.”
What the hell was I doing?
Snatching out my phone, I pulled her scrap of paper free and scrambled to dial the number before she got through the door. It was stupid, I know, but I couldn’t seem to call out to her, and maybe if I did this over the phone, I’d do a better job.
Her phone rang just before she closed the door behind her. I could only just make out her profile in the dim light outside, but a grin twitched my lips at her confused expression.
She looked back into the bar at me and lifted the phone to her ear. “You know I’m still here, right?”
“I do need something from you.” My voice was tight and small as I spoke into the phone. I swallowed, hoping to cure my parched throat.
She stepped back into the bar, placing her guitar case on the floor and gazing across at me. “And what is that?”
I clenched my jaw, the words fighting to get out of my stubborn, fearful mouth. Finally, I parted my lips and whispered, “I need you to stay.”
It took her a second to register my words. Her eyes locked on to mine as if she didn’t quite believe me, but then a relieved sigh, mixed with a smiling sob, burst out of her lips, and she dropped the phone to the floor. It landed with a clunk, but she didn’t even notice as she raced across the room. I vaulted over the bar and met her halfway, catching her against me and lifting her into my arms. Her legs wrapped around me, squeezing my waist as her hot breath caressed my skin. Her lips were trembling as they met mine, and I swallowed her sob, cradling the back of her head with my hand.
“I missed you,” she cried, kissing my lips between words. “I missed you so much.”
I stopped her trembling voice with my mouth and walked toward the wall, slapping her body against the hard wood and squeezing her thighs. Her scorching kisses were trying to drown me. I’d forgotten how good she tasted.
Sucking her bottom lip, I forced myself to pull away so I could look at her. “I mean it, Rachel. I need you to stay forever.”
“I love you.” She held my face, her fingers digging into my hair. “And I’m not going anywhere. I’m never leaving home again.” The look in her eyes told me she meant it, and I thought my heart was going to fly right out of my chest.
With a growl, I pulled her back against me, her hot mouth consuming mine in a kiss that said everything we needed it to. My body responded with an intensity I’d never felt before. The low-lying home fire I’d kept burning for her flared with passion, heating my inner core. I had to have her. I had to be inside her and know without a doubt that she was once again mine.
Sliding my arm around her waist, I pulled her tight against me and carried her up the stairs. She clung to me, kissing my neck and sucking the sweet spot below my ear. I dropped her onto the bed and she giggled, kicking off her boots. Her big eyes gazed up at me, her teeth running over h
er lower lip and fueling the inferno raging within me. With a shy smile, she undressed herself, slipping off her jeans and shirt until she sat on my bed looking mouth-watering in nothing but a skimpy pair of hot pink panties.
I didn’t miss the bruises on her body—the gash on her shin and the finger marks on her arm. I couldn’t move for a beat, locked in place by the idea someone had hurt her.
She caught my anguished gaze and shook her head. “It’s over. He can’t touch me again.”
“Why’d he beat you in the first place?” I ground out the words.
“Because I wanted to come home to you.” Her eyes glistened. “I was too scared to leave when you came for me. I didn’t know what he might do to you. I was trying to protect you, but when you walked away…” She dipped her head, disappearing behind her curls.
I stood in agony, listening to her sniff and clear her throat.
“It took me way too long to figure this out, but when you came for me, I realized that all this time, you were all I’d ever wanted. I couldn’t stand one more second in that place, so I refused to do as I was told and I paid for it.”
Her words turned me to stone for a second. Rage flared inside me with a mighty roar, but it was overshadowed but the resounding knowledge of what she’d done for me. She’d taken a beatin’. She’d suffered so she could get back…to me.
Rachel glanced up, dragging her curls over one shoulder and smiling at me again. “I don’t want to talk about that night. I just want you to help me forget that I ever hurt you. Please,” she whispered. “Please, let me be yours again.”
I nodded, my head bobbing quickly as I tried to swallow the boulder in my throat. Her relieved smile grew and she let out a breathy laugh. Relief washed over her, drying up her tears, and then a glimmer danced into her eyes. They sparked with a sassy wildness I hadn’t seen in a long time.
She dropped on all fours and crawled across the bed, looking like a lioness, her untamed curls glinting in the soft light. Her eyes danced as her fingers inched up my body and slowly unbuttoned my shirt. She slipped it off my shoulders and started trailing kisses down my body. Fireworks exploded beneath my skin, her soft touch being the first I’d had since she’d left.
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