I wait until he is gone.
I do not go in Miss Hill’s office.
Instead I go up the stairs, around the corner, down the hall, and into the supply closet.
............
Dear Mom,
How are you? I’m great!
I have really been having a fun time at school. Only five days left! One of my teachers, Mr. Brown, he is so nice! He has decided that I need a special friend to go with me to all my classes. The special friend is a girl named Brenda who is very positive and is on student council! She thinks I’m special, too! She gets to help me with my homework during lunch and I stay after school and she makes sure I’m getting everything done! Mr. Brown and Miss Hill have arranged the whole thing! It’s so nice to have people looking after me every second of every day.
Also, they have locked up the room that Berkeley used to hang out in. It’s too bad because it’s so nice in there. With couches and fun toys and a good atmosphere. I told them they should make it a lounge for people like me! They said they’d consider it!
Dad has come to the school a few times! He even came to class with me one day! He left Berkeley with Delilah, no problem! I no longer talk to my friend Bart. You remember him? He used to come sit with me and Berk on the tramp and he told me he was someone important but it turns out he is just a regular person at my school who does water aerobics and wears stupid clothes and hates school. Anyway, we decided that since I’m focused on my schoolwork and everything, we should take a break from ever talking to each other. It’s a good feeling to get rid of people in your life who make you feel not special inside! Miss Hill told me that. I like it!
Anyway, Dad told me you aren’t supposed to have contact with us yet. I told him Oh no! That’s not right! On the internet it says you only have to stay away forty-eight hours! I emailed you about that! But Dad said it was special circumstances and you might not even be getting my emails! And he said, I’m so sorry. I said, that’s okay! I’m still going to send them anyway!
No one is telling me or Berk what is going to happen but that’s okay. We’re just kids! We don’t care!
Love you tons!
Olivia,
your daughter
............
I sat on the tramp.
Berkeley was inside with Dad making Saturday chocolate chip waffles.
“Remember how I used to make these?” he said.
“No, I don’t remember,” I’d said, even though I did remember. I remembered how they weren’t dry and crumbly like Mom’s. I remembered how he knew how to put just the right amount of syrup in each little square. And I remembered how he would sit with us and tell us stories about when his dad made him chocolate chip waffles when he was a kid.
“You really don’t remember?”
“Nope.”
So I sat outside on the tramp, the sun hotter than it had been in weeks. I was trying not to be mad at Berk. Trying not to wish she were out here with me.
The summer was here, usually my favorite time in the whole world. But this year, it meant that school was almost out and if whatever needed to be figured out with Mom wasn’t figured out and we would be moving with Dad up to Salt Lake City where we would sleep on his couch and maybe a lady across the hall could watch us while he went to work and then we could get Chinese takeout. Does that sound fun?
The Chinese takeout actually did sound fun but other than that, I was not excited about the end of school.
Bart had come over one day. Even knocked on the door.
My dad had answered and Bart said, “Can I talk to Olivia?”
And Dad had said, “Who are you?”
And he said, “Harrison.”
And then Berk said, “Hi, Bart.”
And Bart said, “Hi, Berkeley.”
And Dad said, “I thought you said your name was Harrison.” And Bart said, “It’s complicated,” and I was on my bed with my feet on the wall listening and even though I hate Bart with a passion, I liked hearing him talk to my dad about his names.
“Why is it complicated,” Dad said.
“I can’t tell you,” Bart said.
“You can’t tell me?”
“Nope.”
It was quiet then and Berkeley said, “Do you have any candy.”
And he said, “Yes,” and Dad said, “Don’t take candy from this kid.”
And Berkeley said, “He’s our friend,” and Dad said, “He’s not your friend if he can’t tell me his real name,” and Bart said, “It’s Harrison.” And Dad said, “Not Bart?”
And he said, “It’s Bart also.”
And Dad said, “I don’t know what game you’re trying to play.”
And Bart said, “Can I talk to Olivia?”
And Dad said, “OLIVIA!”
And I said, “Not here.”
And Dad said, “She’s not here.”
And Bart said, “Yes she is.”
And Dad acted like he knew me and cared about me and he said, “You’ll stay away from my daughter,” and then I came running in and I said, “Don’t you dare talk to my friend like that. He may have called the social services on Mom, but he has been here for us but not really, but more than you.”
And Dad was shocked and I said, “Bart, go away.”
And I said to Dad, “Dad, go away.”
And then I said to Berk, “Go with me.”
And I took her hand and we went outside and Melody had a hot-air balloon and Mrs. Sydney Gunnerson said, “Take this,” and she handed me my favorite Italian baby doll in her entire collection and Berkeley and I climbed into the hot-air balloon and I smiled and everyone came out, including Grant and Bob.
And then I said, “That boy over there,” because Bart and Dad stood on the front step, “that boy over there is spying on you for no good reason.”
And Grant said, “Thank you for that information. It is very useful,” and I said, “You’re welcome.”
And Melody said, “I’ll reverse perm your hair” and I said, “I don’t need a perm anymore.”
And Carlene said, “What about the Monster Jam?”
And I said, “I’m going to start my own Monster Jam.”
And Bart said, “What about how we were going to go to every state?”
And Berkeley and I will be sailing away and I said, “That’s what we’re doing right now, fat face.”
And then the two of us, with cookies and happiness and rainbows and a hot tub will float into the clouds in our balloon shaped like a gigantic pig.
~
But then Bart said, “Tell her I came by.”
And Dad said, “I will not tell her you came by until you tell me your real name.”
~
And I put my legs straight up in the air and tried to touch my toes and I couldn’t, which was really disappointing.
So even though Bart and I were through, I still sat on the tramp and kept track of old Grant, because I had nothing better to do and I had started to like watching him because he was so weird and because he hugged my mom and my mom talked to him about love which meant he had a broken heart and this was interesting to me.
Today he was on the phone with someone.
He was walking back and forth in front of his trailer, talking loudly and using his free arm to wave around.
I wrote down the words I heard:
Aching
Unfair
Toothpaste
Kiss
No
Yes
Please
Please
Please
Please
Sorry
I
Understand
No
Kitties
Yes
Chance
Last
Time
P
lease
No
No
NO
NO
Legs
Rhubarb
Applebees
Deodorant
Cheez Whiz
Love you
Forgive
Please
Dogs
~
It was a fascinating conversation.
~
Bob came out near the end of Grant’s phone call and said, “We have to go.”
Grant waved his arm at Bob.
Bob flipped him off.
Grant flipped him off.
Then they were flipping each other off together at the same time, which really made me feel warm inside.
~
Then Grant got off the phone.
They both got in the truck and drove away.
I lay back on the tramp.
I was getting sunburned.
Then suddenly Dad and Berk were in my face.
“We’re going to the pool and then McDonald’s and then Zurchers to get decorations for the circus,” Berk was saying. Dad smiled. She’d told him about the stupid circus.
I said, “No thanks.”
And he said, “You’ve been out here too long. Berk told me you usually go swimming on Saturdays. Run in and get changed.”
Then they were getting in his fancy new car and I was sitting up.
I looked at my watch. It was the exact same time as last time.
And Bart. Who I hated. Who betrayed me. Bart was at the pool.
Even though I did not want to go, I also very much wanted to go.
I went and put on my swimsuit, grabbed my Grant notebook, and ran to the car.
My notebook was almost full.
All my notes on Grant.
All the sweepstakes or contests I had ever entered.
The Monster Jam dates.
All my observations.
Everything I had found out about Steve Fossett.
There were other things in there, too.
When Bart told me about the Mason-Dixon Line I started doing research. If he and I went on a road trip when we were older and married or not married, whatever, we could follow the exact route of Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon who surveyed the line.
This was before I hated Bart’s guts.
I’d made a list of things we’d need to bring.
A tent.
Sleeping bags.
We’d need a phone.
I’d never seen Bart with a phone, which was weird. Of everyone in the whole world he and I were the only two people over eight who didn’t have one.
But if we were going to every state in the United States, we’d need a GPS thing.
Or I guess a map.
I found a stove that would fit in the pocket of a backpack that could heat up soup or chili or hot chocolate.
We’d need clothes and boots and we’d need some money but not a lot.
I’d also made a list of things we could talk about because sometimes my parents, before Dad left, didn’t talk a lot.
~
Things We Could Talk About:
Birds
Hair
FBI things
Halloween costumes for our kids
Names of kids
Cookies
Countries we wanted to go see
Wild animals that had been known to rip people’s faces off
Funny movies we would’ve already watched together
Funny movies we wanted to watch together
Why people wear clothes that are too tight
Chest hair
God
Music
Stupid people
Daylight saving time
Volcanoes—Mt. Vesuvius
Ghosts
Teeth
Cookie jars
What does Obi-Wan do the whole time Luke Skywalker is growing up?
Why someone can use the same recipe and the cookies taste bad
His family
Not my family
Space travel
Body odor
Underwater caves, danger of
Haunted Houses, danger of
Kids
Houses
Divorce, how we would never
Tater Tots
Fancy things we wanted to do together for the rest of our lives
~
The first page of the notebook I had colored with Berk’s colored pencils my favorite saying from all the contests I entered: YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER.
I stared at it as we drove to the rec center.
~
Dad was talking loud on his phone to someone about insurance. He promised whoever it was, they would not be disappointed. He was going to be back in the office in one week but anything they needed could be done online.
He promised.
He promised.
He promised.
Berkeley held my hand. Tight. My sweet little sister, her suit on, her goggles adjusted, her towel around her neck.
I was going to rip out the lists other than the Grant information from the notebook but then I didn’t. We pulled into the parking lot and Dad was still talking.
We got out.
He sat there.
We waited.
He was talking with his hands now.
We stood there.
Still talking.
“I want to go in,” Berk said.
“Me too,” I said.
I took her hand and we walked into the rec center like we always did.
“Should we wait for Daddy?” Berk asked, but she was walking faster than me, almost pulling me along.
We stopped to show our passes and I looked back. Dad had finally gotten out and was coming but he was also talking to a lady.
A pretty lady with red hair and a nice face and yoga pants and she laughed and Dad laughed and I thought I might throw up.
I thought I might throw up right then all over the rec center desk and the boy with the name tag Brad would say, “Disgusting,” and I’d say, “You know what’s disgusting?” And I’d throw up more and more and more and Dad would come running in and the lady would come in, too, and she’d say, “What’s wrong with her,” and he’d say, “I don’t know.”
And, I’d say, “You do know! You do know you big butthead piece of butt face.” And he’d be shocked but also he’d know, he’d know because just like me, between his big and little intestines, right in that itty-bitty space, he has a gut and that gut would be giving him a feeling and even if he wanted to ignore it, even if he wanted to smile at the redhead and say, “I am so sorry my daughter called me a butthead piece of butt face. I have no idea why she is throwing up all over the rec center,” even though he might want to say that, he wouldn’t be able to because he’d know the truth. And the truth was, he was not who he said he was.
He left us.
He left us alone.
He left Mom.
He left Berk.
He left me.
We walked to the pool area. Dad followed us.
The lady with the yoga pants did not come with him and I said a prayer that said: Thank you.
Instead of going to the girls’ locker room, we went to the family one.
I found a locker.
“Aren’t you changing?” I asked him.
He was wearing a tight T-shirt and tight jeans and leather flip-flops. I didn’t understand him. He never wore stuff like that before. He wore Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and maybe flip-flops but one dollar ones from Old Navy.
He said, “I’m not getting in, girls.”
Berkeley looked at him. “You’re not?”
“Nah. I don
’t think so.”
“You have your suit. I saw you put your suit in,” she said.
“Yeah, but I need to do some work.” He held up his phone.
We both stared at him. It was loud in there. It’s always loud in there. He was going to try to talk on the phone?
“You can’t do work in here,” I said.
“Sure I can.”
Berkeley was quiet.
“It’s too loud.”
“And I want you to go down the slide with me,” she said.
“Maybe in a minute,” he said. “I’ll just go sit over there.” He pointed to the tables and chairs out of the pool area. Like all the way out on the other side of the glass by the entrance. He was leaving. He was going to sit out there and leave us.
“You watch Berk, Olivia. It’ll be fine.”
It’ll be fine.
It’ll be fine.
It’ll be fine.
That’s when something inside me burst.
It was sudden, like a firecracker.
Like a firecracker that everyone thinks is a dud at first. A total and complete dud.
You wait and you wait and it keeps not going off.
You keep waiting.
And waiting.
And then someone says, “It’s a dud,” and you think no, it’s not a dud. Give it time. Give it time to heat up.
Just wait.
And then it doesn’t happen. It sits there and people start to get bored and they look at the other firecrackers and some people get up to get more Cheetos and they start to forget about the firecracker.
They forget about it until BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM FIRE AND BAM PEOPLE JUMP AWAY AND BAMBAMBAM. SOMEONE IS BURNED. IS SOMEONE BURNED? SCREAMING SCREAMING! CALL THE AMBULANCE. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. IT’S THE BIGGEST FIRECRACKER ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN. NO ONE EXPECTED A FIRECRACKER OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!!
I went BAM!
I went: BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
I went BAM BAM BAM in real life. In my real life.
I went: I AM NOT WATCHING BERK! I AM NOT. YOU GET IN YOUR SWIMSUIT. YOU GET IN YOUR SWIMSUIT AND YOU GO DOWN THE SLIDE WITH HER!
I went: NOW. DO IT NOW.
I went: SCREAMING. MY BLOOD RUSHING. MY HEART POUNDING.
He stared at me. I thought he was going to get mad. I wanted him to get mad I think. I wanted him to yell back but instead all the butthead did was say, “Are you okay?”
I was breathing breathing breathing. Try to calm down. Try to calm down down down. Try. Try. Try. And then it all came spewing up again.
You May Already Be a Winner Page 16