“I feel the same way.”
She tugged her hair behind her ear. Was it her imagination, or had he gotten even closer to her? A child’s giggle filled the air, and Megan pulled her gaze from his.
She cleared her throat, watching the last ray of the sun vanish. “So, remind me. What’s on the horizon for you?”
“Tomorrow I head to Poland to take photos for a piece on the hidden treasures of Europe.”
“That’s right.” Her mind jumped with the possibilities. “Will you be visiting Ksiaz Castle? Or maybe Roztocze? I’ve also read great things about Bialowieza Forest.”
Caleb chuckled and shook his head. “Those are on my list, yeah.” He turned and leaned against the railing, once again ignoring the scenery and watching only her. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back in Minnesota to see my parents, so maybe we can meet up again before you head back to the States.”
“I’d like that.” She shifted on her feet. They were all the way to the top of the Eye. Now that the sky was dark, it was more difficult to make out individual landmarks. But with the buildings all lit up, the city stole her breath. Each landmark was a gem sparkling in a sea of the unknown.
“What about you, Meg? What’s next for you?”
“Cambridge and Oxford, then—”
“No, I mean after all of this. After you’ve completed the bucket list, what do you plan to do next?”
“I’m not totally sure.” She was leaning toward taking the library job, but he might be disappointed if she told him that. “Though Sheila said they’ve had a great response to my articles and she definitely wants more contributions from me in the future.”
“That’s amazing, Meg. You’re really doing it.”
“I have you to thank for that.” She poked him in the ribs. “Not only did you hook me up with Sheila, but I wouldn’t be here in the first place if you hadn’t encouraged me to meet with my donor’s family.”
Caleb’s grin rivaled the lights of London below.
Megan gripped the rail at her waist. It was cold but steady. “Before this journey, I was too afraid to have an adventure. But look. I’m here. I faced my fears. And I feel amazing for having done that. I’m stronger than I thought possible.”
“I’ve never for one second thought you weren’t strong.”
“I did.”
“What made you think that?” His gaze bore a hole through her defenses, and she turned to face him again. He tugged her hand from the railing and held it in his own. This time he entwined their fingers—a much more intimate grip.
She gulped, felt the pulse in his fingertips. “A lot of things.”
When did she remember first feeling this way? “Once, when I was eleven, maybe twelve, my parents and I were watching Crystal play soccer. My sister moved with such grace and speed. She was fluid, like water pouring from a glass—strong, with purpose and precision.”
“Sounds like Crystal.” A squeeze from his palm encased her own.
She nodded. “That moment inspired me. I thought, We’re twins. If she can move like that, maybe I can too. I hadn’t fully come to terms with my illness at that point. I told my mom I wanted to try playing sometime.” Her voice wobbled, and she felt the tears building. No matter how many times she thought about this moment, the emotions still enveloped her. “She said, ‘Oh, honey, I wish you could too. But it’s just not possible. It’s not your fault Crystal was born with a strong heart and you were born with a weak one. It’s just God’s will for you.’”
Silence floated between them as the pod descended down the other side of the large white wheel. “No offense to your mom, but I hate when people say stuff like that about God’s will.”
“If it wasn’t his will, then why did it happen?” Megan shrugged. “I guess there’s really no point in dwelling on it.”
“God can handle your questions, Meg. If you want to know, ask. A relationship is about trust, and trust is grown through communication.”
By holding back her questions and not really praying, was she keeping God at arms’ length? Maybe they didn’t even have a real relationship. “I’ll have to think on that some more.”
Caleb’s thumb stroked her hand, spreading his warmth. “Back to your mom and what she said.” He raised his free hand to cup her cheek. “Megan Jacobs, you are one of the strongest people I know. It takes amazing strength to keep hoping when everything seems against you. You did that. Over and over.”
His eyes riveted her where she stood. She couldn’t move even if she wanted to.
“And it takes amazing strength to inspire a young guy to keep going, even when doctors tell him there’s no way he’s getting a second chance. You did that too.”
“Caleb.” Her hand rested against his chest.
“I mean it, Meg.” His forehead touched hers now, and his breath breezed past her cheeks. “You saved me. Did you know that before I met you, I thought daily about ways to end my sorry life? I could swallow a bunch of pills, or sneak into my dad’s office and get the gun from his safe, or break the mirror in the hospital bathroom and use it to—”
“Shh.” Every word knifed her heart. She couldn’t imagine this amazing man taking his own life. “You saved me too, Caleb. Gave me someone to talk to. You reminded me I wasn’t alone.”
“Meg.” He was going to kiss her—and she didn’t care about anything else, only wanted to explore these new emotions and drown in them.
But before the sweetness in his eyes could be translated to his lips, the pod jostled beneath their feet. She swung her attention toward the window.
They were back on the ground.
Once the pod door opened, fellow passengers began disembarking. One woman ushered her children away but flashed a small smile Megan’s way.
A ride attendant gestured them off, ready to load the next set of passengers.
The moment had ended.
She dropped her hands, cleared her throat, and walked off the pod, touching her feet to solid earth once more.
Chapter 27
The last week had been magical.
But tomorrow Brian would head home. And even though he and Crystal had spent the week traveling and relishing their time together, they hadn’t really talked about how things should change when they stepped from the pages of this fairy tale and returned to reality.
They needed to find time to have a big conversation before he left.
Crystal alighted from the Edinburgh tram, Megan and Brian following her onto the busy Scottish street in the heart of the city. All around them, tourists and residents bustled past, off to visit a variety of shops, restaurants, and attractions.
Her eyes were drawn immediately to the castle on the bluff overlooking Princes Street Gardens, a small park just across the way. The castle loomed over them, its majesty projecting its grandeur over the whole city. How strange and yet magnificent to have something so old, so awe-inspiring there for all to see.
“Wow.” Brian nestled up beside her, his gaze directed toward the castle as well. “Now that’s cool.”
Megan approached on Crystal’s other side, nose in her guidebook. “This says the site has been occupied since the late Bronze Age, and that the buildings of the castle that are still standing date all the way back to the twelfth century. Incredible.”
Incredible was right. In fact, they’d seen a lot of incredible sights during their fast-paced travel through Cambridge, Oxford, and the English and Scottish countrysides. Today they’d already visited the Museum of Edinburgh and taken an underground city tour of Mary King’s Close.
The memory of Brian holding her near when she’d felt slightly freaked out about the tight quarters brought a smile to Crystal’s lips. He’d even pulled her into a dark corner and snuck a few breathtaking kisses while the tour guide droned on about life expectancies in the eighteenth century.
This whole week had felt like a second honeymoon—except Megan was there, of course.
Her sister had been unusually chatty and upbeat, despite having
to leave Caleb behind. Of course, she’d been on her phone texting with him every spare minute, and they were planning to meet up again in Paris later this week. Megan had confided in her how much she’d wanted to kiss him, how the moment had passed far too quickly and she was afraid they wouldn’t find it again.
“Are you guys ready to head to the castle for a tour?” Megan led the way toward the lush grass and short bush-like trees of the gardens. A paved pathway meandered throughout the park and up toward the castle. At the park entrance, a display of flowers burst from the ground, putting color into the day of anyone who passed by. Reds, yellows, purples, and blues waved in the breeze, inviting Crystal in. A large gold fountain glinted in the sunlight.
It was gorgeous—and the perfect place to have a good talk.
Crystal turned to Megan. “Would you be okay doing the castle alone?” And to Brian. “As long as you wouldn’t mind skipping?”
Brian shrugged. “I’m good with whatever.”
Megan nodded. “Me too. I’ll text you when I’m done and we can figure out where to meet up.” She waved and turned, heading off through the crowd.
“Everything okay?” Her husband’s hand reached out to grasp Crystal’s.
“Yes, but we need to talk. And I was afraid if we weren’t alone, we wouldn’t.”
His hand tightened around hers. “Do you want to sit?”
“Let’s walk for a bit.” Hand in hand, they sauntered across the concrete path, past an assortment of large floral displays: one honoring Hans Christian Andersen, one celebrating the bicentenary, and one depicting a large clock—a reminder that even when it seemed like it should, time never stood still.
“I don’t want you to leave tomorrow.” She kept staring at the sidewalk. “Especially not without knowing where we stand.”
A pause. “Where we stand is that I’m more in love with you than ever.”
She couldn’t help looking up at those beautiful, wonderful words. “Really?”
“Really. But our love for each other has never been the issue.”
“You’re right.” She gnawed the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood. Because Crystal—she’d been the issue. “I’m learning a lot about myself these days. Mostly, that I don’t have to be as strong as I thought I did. That I can be vulnerable, and that’s okay.” But so difficult. And so uncomfortable.
“Vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness. I think that’s true strength shining through.”
She paused. They’d reached the end of the sidewalk, the end of the park. They could keep walking, out into the crowd, away from their problems. Or she could sit down with her husband and face what she’d been hiding from all these years.
She tugged him toward an empty spot in the grass and they sat facing each other, still clasping hands. The shadow of the castle covered them.
“Brian, I’m scared. I think I’ve always been scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Scared of losing control—of myself, my situation, my life.” She blew out a breath, trying to grasp for the words that would explain things she didn’t even fully understand. “From the time my sister was diagnosed, our whole family fell into chaos. Things weren’t the same anymore. We’d make plans, Megan would have an episode, and everything was canceled. I never knew if that episode would be fatal. Life was a big fat unknown.”
“And you hated that.”
She nodded. “I guess somehow I became obsessed with the idea that if I could control my own life, the pain of the unknown would be lessened, even nonexistent. That desire for control built inside me for years, but after Megan’s surgery, it all came to a head. I became this robot, singularly focused on achievement, someone who avoided emotion because I was so afraid that it would rip me apart one tear at a time.”
Brian’s thumb stroked her hand and something inside of her broke.
“Crys, all the things you’ve done to try to control your life . . . They’re only an illusion. You don’t ultimately hold power over anything. Not really.”
“I think I know that now.” She pulled at a blade of grass with her free hand. “But I don’t know what it means for our life. Because I still love my job, especially now that I’m finding my passion again.”
“No one is asking you to give that up. I’ve always just wanted you to balance it with everything else.”
“So what does that mean, realistically?”
Brian shrugged. “Making more of an effort to spend time together, I guess. Prioritizing relationships over work. Being open to discussion when things are getting too hectic.”
She tilted her head, considered his words. “I can do that.”
“And maybe also not just tabling discussions for ‘later’ when you don’t want to address them at all.” Her husband studied her. “Like about when to have kids.”
“Or even . . . whether to have them.” Had she really said that out loud? She pressed on. “Because you want children so badly. But I don’t know if I do.”
“You think I haven’t figured that out by now?” Brian’s words were soft, but they still bit into her soul. “What I don’t quite understand is why. Is it because you can’t control them?”
“Yes.” A sob wracked her body, but she held in the tears. The memory of the little boy at the Wall of China surfaced. “But more than that, I can’t keep them safe. Like Mom and Dad could never keep Megan safe.”
“Oh, Crys. I never thought about that.”
Crystal turned around, and Brian propped her up from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist. She leaned her head back against his chest. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t either.” Brian sighed against her hair. “I only know that I want a family. I don’t have anyone to carry on my family name. No blood relations that I know about. I want that connection, that legacy.”
Hearing the passion in her husband’s voice—the deep desire of a little boy who only wanted to belong—made Crystal want to weep. How could she be so selfish? “Okay.” She placed her hand on his forearm, choked the word out. “We can start trying when we get back home.”
Fear clawed at her, scratching her insides and making her bleed. Oh, how she wanted to be free of this monster. But how? To think she could have lost Brian, that she still might someday, if she didn’t figure out how to change . . .
“Crys, no. Not like this.” Her husband’s lips grazed her neck. “If we have kids when you don’t want them, I’m afraid you’d resent me down the road.”
She couldn’t argue with that very real possibility, angry as it made Crystal at herself. “I don’t know what you want from me.” And she couldn’t keep the frustration from her voice. She was tired, so very tired, of fighting. “I said okay. What else can I do?”
“Don’t just dismiss the fear. Deal with it. Crys, you’re so afraid of what could happen that you’re not experiencing the joy that life has to offer.”
She opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out.
“Look around you. If you had not decided to take a chance and come on this trip—if you’d stayed trapped in your ‘perfect plan’—you wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t be here right now. You’d be at work and I might be at home, packing my things because you’d pushed me away for the last time.”
The fact that he’d even considered leaving made her blood run cold.
The fear continued to claw, making its way up her throat.
“But instead, we are here, and we’re talking. And I see that you’re finally struggling with the things that have been dormant in you for years. That makes me so proud of you. Know why?”
“No.” Her voice trembled.
“Because it means you’re finally facing the fear inside. It’s been there all along. But do you feel it fighting back? You thought you were controlling it, but it was really controlling you. It’s time to stop letting fear win. Wouldn’t it be a better use of your time to leave the big stuff like control and worry to God and instead spend it reveling in all t
he opportunities for great joy he’s given you?”
Joy.
What was it, really? She tried to remember a single moment of pure joy from the last three years, even the last twenty, and couldn’t. Sure, she’d been happy at times, but joy?
It felt nonexistent, like a myth she could never quite grasp.
She hadn’t noticed before, but music rose from a bandstand across the park. Some young dancers performed, their green-and-gold dresses spinning round and round. They whirled and twirled, and with every step created a dizzying spell that mesmerized her. While not every step was perfect—they were far from professionals—and there were moments when their spinning seemed out of control, that didn’t detract from the beauty of their movements.
Could Crystal’s life be like that? It did hold opportunities for joy. Her relationships with Brian, Megan, her parents. The possibility of children. Even work.
But it would mean throwing caution to the wind, tossing back her head, and spinning without always seeing where the dance would take her.
Chapter 28
19. Kiss a handsome stranger in the rain.
Kisses are a powerful thing, or so I’m told. I wouldn’t know from experience.
Kissing is mysterious too. Because on the one hand, it’s commonplace. People kiss all the time. But on the other hand, when I’m reading a book or watching a romantic movie, I don’t care that it’s commonplace. I still hold my breath in anticipation, waiting for that perfect moment when the characters will kiss and all will be right with the world.
Of course, that moment is made all the more perfect when it’s raining. Rain has a way of making everything more magical. It’s cleansing. It brings renewal of life.
Kissing also requires a measure of bravery. It means accepting a gift and giving freely of yourself at the same time. And what’s braver than kissing a handsome stranger?
I feel like I’ve been dead for so long. And scared too.
So kissing a stranger in the rain sounds like just the thing to wake me up and make me brave.
The Heart Between Us Page 20