“Who said I didn’t go crazy? I didn’t always trust him. There were so many moments I crawled to God in prayer, imagined myself beating my hands against his chest and wailing, telling him exactly what I thought about what he was doing in Megan’s life. In all of our lives.”
Oh, Mom. “Do you ever regret having children? All that heartache and worry . . . It seems like too much to bear.” The question was out before Crystal could stop and consider whether she really wanted to hear the answer.
“Never.” The word came swift. Mom turned Crystal’s chin till they were staring into each other’s eyes. “God continually reminded me that he cares even for the sparrows—and that he cared for Megan even more than I did. And though I spent years counting Megan’s heartbeats, wondering if the next would be her last, I knew deep down that nothing I did would keep her heart beating. That wasn’t in my hands. So with every beat of her heart, I’ve had to learn to trust him more and more.”
“But how?”
“By focusing on what was in my hands—the ability to choose to live every moment full of joy. Even the hard moments.”
That word again: joy. And the fact that it was a choice.
“You and your sister, along with your father, have brought me more joy in my life than I’d ever imagined. You were God’s special gift to me. A gift I didn’t even know to ask for.”
Longing rose up in Crystal’s soul. She’d backed away from the idea of such a gift, thinking only of the pain it might cause. But imagine . . . What if she could accept it instead?
“Do you hear me, Crystal?”
“Yes.” A tear slid down Crystal’s cheek. “I hear you.”
Chapter 38
September 1
Blog Post Title: The Actual Final Item on the List
Post Content:
I know my last post was titled “The Final Item on the List.” But today, with my sister’s help, I realized something.
I wasn’t done after all.
See, when Amanda’s dear parents handed me her list, they said she’d completed 25. Give my heart away. I worked on completing the first twenty-four items during my trip. And I did. But when I got home, something felt undone. I didn’t feel like I’d accomplished everything I was supposed to do. I tried filling the void with regular life, thinking if only I could get things back to normal, I’d start feeling normal again.
But this journey has changed me, more than I even knew. Normal doesn’t exist for me anymore.
That’s when Crystal reminded me that I’d set out to complete the whole list—and I hadn’t. And while I can’t give my heart away in the same way Amanda did, I can in the metaphorical sense.
In fact, I already have.
*Deep breath*
I’ve been burying my feelings, because they’re new and I didn’t know what in the world to do with them. The feelings elated me, but scared me at the same time. People think I am brave because of what I’ve been through in my life, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: falling in love drains my courage much more quickly than facing death ever did.
Yes, falling in love. There. I said it. (Well, wrote it.)
During my trip this summer, I fell in love with my best friend. I’ve always loved him, though not in this way. Back then, I loved him for being there during my hospital stays. I loved him for making me laugh when no one else could. I loved him for giving me travel books and dreaming with me. I loved him for bringing me hope that life someday would be different.
And then, when life was different, I turned away from it. He lives life in such a bold, carefree way, and I didn’t know how to be either of those things. I admire him so much. But more than that, I love him.
Yes, Caleb Watkins—I love you.
I love you for the way you challenge me. For the way you show me the holy side of things. For the way you bring art to life in a kiss. For the way you fight for me. For the way you hold nothing back. For all that you are and all that you will be, you have my heart and you always will, whether you’re in Minnesota or Paris . . . or Tibet.
And even if you never return this love, I can be comforted in knowing that I did all I could to give my heart away.
Amanda, your list is complete. Thank you for the opportunity to learn about myself through your journey. Thank you for being all the things you were.
Most of all, thank you for giving me your heart. It is strength and it is breath and it is life to me. I couldn’t have asked for a better one.
Megan read and reread the words on her computer screen. Her fingers itched to erase the entire post—but no, this was what needed to happen. She knew that as sure as she knew her own name.
She hit Publish and watched the post go live.
Chapter 39
Autumn was here, and things were back in full swing at the office. Crystal clicked on yet another e-mail that told her about a fire she needed to put out. Now that she was senior architect, she did more managing and less creating than before.
The ache behind her eyes was becoming as commonplace as her never-ending e-mail inbox.
Jamie came waltzing into Crystal’s new office, a stack of papers piled high in her arms. “Where did you want me to set these?”
“What are they?”
“The proposals Meredith and Jason are submitting for the Sloma project.”
“Right.” Crystal rubbed her forehead. Her normally neat desk had become inundated with paper. Paper, paper, everywhere. She maneuvered a few piles around to create a clear space. “Here is fine.”
“Great.” Jamie set the papers down and straightened the chic blouse Crystal had bought her in London. “Do you need anything else? I can grab you a sandwich from the cart downstairs. Your two o’clock appointment will be here in thirty minutes and I noticed you haven’t eaten lunch yet.”
“Oh.” When had she had time? She’d worked so late last night, she’d slept here. It was actually better than trekking home to her empty apartment. Then she’d been up at four this morning and going ever since. In fact, other than the coffee she’d forced down her throat, she’d had nothing to eat or drink since sometime yesterday.
But it wasn’t just busyness. This was what grief must be like, when she actually let herself feel.
Jamie still stood there, waiting for an answer.
Crystal cleared her throat. “No, thanks. I’m good.”
The intern nodded and left. Crystal had started to dig into one of the stacks of papers when Tony entered. He looked her up and down. “Did you sleep here again?”
“Yes.”
His gaze turned sympathetic, and he tapped his finger on one of the piles on her desk. “I know it’s more responsibility and a lot to get used to. But soon you’ll get the hang of it.”
Would she, though? She’d always imagined becoming senior architect would be more satisfying than it had turned out to be. And with Brian still gone, she only felt dead inside.
Well, that wasn’t completely true. There was a flicker of hope that lit inside of her whenever she thought about the jewelry box and what it meant. Someone else was in control. She just needed to keep moving forward and letting herself feel, mend.
Of course, another part of her bucked against her newfound hope. It told her if only she tried, she could make a plan and bring Brian back. Ever since her sister had asked what she’d done to fight for him, she’d wondered if she should be doing something. Not just sitting around, waiting.
But then she’d read something, or see something, or hear something. And it would remind her to be still—and trust.
“Hello, earth to Crystal.” Tony knocked against the desk and Crystal jumped. “Did you hear me?”
“Sorry, no.” She must be more tired than she thought.
“I said I want to see your edits on the Greyson proposal by the end of the day.”
That particular proposal had been in her inbox for two days and she hadn’t so much as peeked at it. “That might be a little difficult.”
“I know you can make
it happen.” With a quick check of his wristwatch, Tony waved good-bye and turned to leave.
In the past she’d loved to make it happen, had relished watching things bend to her will. But did she really want this anymore?
A sudden dawning. The flame of hope flickered once more.
“Tony, wait.”
He stuck his head back into her office. “What is it? I’m late.”
“I know, but I have to tell you something.” Crystal stood, in a daze. Was she really about to do this? “Can you close the door?”
Her boss adjusted his glasses and frowned, but did as she asked. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
She moved around the desk and approached him. “You’ve been an incredible mentor to me, Tony. You’ve pushed me, challenged me, and made me a better architect. You’ve always believed I would make a great partner, and you helped me get here, where that goal is within reach someday.”
Tony tilted his head. “What’s going on, Crystal?”
“A lot. A lot is going on. In my mind, in my life, in my heart.”
“And where is all this leading?”
“To . . . quitting.” Her hand lifted and covered her mouth momentarily. “Well, not quitting totally. But I’m not sure I want to be a senior architect anymore. At least, I don’t want all the extra work that comes with it. This job, it isn’t what I thought it’d be. I miss creating. I feel like all I do now is manage the junior associates and I don’t have the time to spend on my own projects. I miss having a vision and bringing it to fruition. I miss . . . well, I miss joy. And right now, this job doesn’t bring that to me.”
Tony took in a deep breath. “That is definitely not what I expected to hear.”
“I know. It’s not what I expected to say.” Crystal rushed on. “I understand if you don’t think it will work for me to revert back to my previous position. Even if you’ll let me do that, I’ll need a lighter workload. An understanding that this job isn’t my whole life. It’s important—that’s not what I’m saying. I just don’t want to be married to it anymore.”
Tony took her in, as if considering what she’d said. “I’ll need to approach the partners about this, discuss how to proceed.” Her boss took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “But I have to warn you. They may decide they don’t want to keep someone around who isn’t fully committed to this company. We like to have ambitious people working for us. It keeps our firm on the forefront of the restoration niche.”
In the past a statement like that would have knocked the breath from her. But now . . . “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
He narrowed his eyes and gave a gruff nod.
After Tony left, Crystal sat there, drained. She checked the clock, called Jamie, and asked her to cancel the rest of her afternoon appointments. Then she grabbed her purse, leaving her laptop behind, and hurried out of her office, out of the building, into the early-autumn air.
Today was the first indication that fall was on its way, with a crisp breeze brushing across her cheeks and blowing strands of hair into her mouth. It had been too long since she’d really noticed the changing of the seasons.
When she arrived home, Crystal flung off her work clothes and pulled on her pajama pants—and, just because, one of Brian’s T-shirts. Even though he hadn’t been home in six weeks, she could still catch a whiff of his scent.
She settled on the couch and flicked on the television, flipping mindlessly through the channels. Nothing caught her interest, so she turned it off. Blaring silence met her.
Maybe she should call Brian. Her actions today would show him she’d changed.
She reached for her phone.
Be still . . .
The quiet whisper across her soul nearly strangled her, but she set the phone down and burrowed into the couch, pulling a throw blanket over her. She could feel herself drifting, drifting . . .
“Crystal?” The voice seemed out of a dream.
She popped her eyes open and saw Brian squatting next to where she laid on the couch. He reached out his hand to touch her forehead. His hand against her skin assured her that he was real. “Are you sick?”
She shook the grogginess from her head and sat up. “No. Why?”
“Why are you home then? It’s four in the afternoon.”
“I . . . Wait, why are you here?” She was having trouble forming thoughts, but that one came to the forefront. He was dressed in his blue EMS shirt and a pair of jeans. His hair was recently cut, but the scruff on his chin indicated he hadn’t shaved for a few days. He looked even more attractive than usual.
Brian hopped up and ran a hand through his cropped hair. “I came to get the rest of my stuff.”
A weight dropped in her stomach. “Right.” She pushed her hair behind her shoulders. Words formed on her tongue—words of pleading, words of apology, but nothing sounded right. So she just sat there, staring at him.
He shifted his weight. “How have you been?” Eyes averted from her, he began fumbling to straighten the magazines on the coffee table.
How to answer that question? She thought of a thousand answers, but only one came out. “Sad.”
“Even though you have the job of your dreams?” He stood and looked at her. “Sorry. That was uncalled for.”
“I deserved it.” Crystal bit her lip. Should she say something? Was she manipulating the situation by telling him? She waited for another nudge to be still. Feeling none, she decided. “I actually told Tony today that I didn’t want to be senior architect anymore.”
His arms folded over his chest. “Why?”
“There were a lot of reasons why. Mostly, it wasn’t what I thought it’d be.” She paused. “A lot of things aren’t what I thought they’d be.”
“Like what?”
She folded her legs beneath her. “I never thought I’d reconcile with Megan and my parents. Never thought we’d be here either, on the verge of losing everything . . .” Her throat clogged. “But I’m realizing that things won’t always go according to my plan. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes that’s bad, but I’m done trying to control my circumstances. Believe me, there were so many times I thought up ways to try to get you to come home. But I’ve been trying with all my might to restrain that controlling instinct in me.”
“Just like that?”
“No, actually. It’s been a process. But you being gone has given me plenty of time to think. And feel. And realize you were right all along.” She stood. Her hands ached to touch him, but she held them together in front of her instead. “I love you, Brian, and I want to make our marriage work. But I’ve realized I can’t make anything happen. Not on my own.”
A faint light blew across Brian’s features, but it was gone in an instant. “I want to believe you’ve changed. But how can I?”
It was a fair question. “I can’t control what you believe. I can only ask you to trust me. But whether you decide to come back to me or not, I’m determined to live my life with better priorities. I want a life that will bring me joy. True joy, not the temporary kind that comes from achievement, but the kind that is rooted in something other than myself.”
For a moment her husband just stared at her. “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Her lips formed a soft smile. “I haven’t done a thing. It was all God. I was broken and didn’t even know it. He superglued me back together.”
Brian unfolded his hands and cupped her face, searching her eyes with his own. “Really?”
“Really.”
“I’ve missed you. The real you.”
“Me too. You have no idea.”
His thumb stroked her cheek. “I shouldn’t have stayed away like I did. That didn’t help the situation. Will you forgive me?”
“If you’ll forgive me.” Was this really happening? Had everything really worked out as she’d imagined—even better, in fact?
He bent his head to hers and kissed her, reverently, as if all of this might disappear.
&
nbsp; She’d asked him to trust her, and he had. Maybe she could make a show of good faith too. Not because she needed to, but because she wanted to give her husband a gift.
“I’ll be right back.” She ran to her bathroom—their bathroom—and found what she was looking for. Then she came back to where he stood in the living room and held out the small package.
He strode toward her and looked at the circular pack of pills in her hands. His eyes widened as he realized what they were. What they meant.
“I have to tell you the truth. I’m still afraid. But I know what to do with those fears now.” She dropped the birth control pills into the trashcan and slipped her arms around her husband. “So. Want to make a baby with me?”
His lips took on a devilish grin and he scooped her into his arms. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Chapter 40
I still can’t believe you’re leaving us.” Kara wheeled her chair toward Megan behind the librarian’s desk.
“Me either.” Megan placed her last framed photo into her box. It joined all the little knickknacks she’d accumulated at her desk over the years—posters of her favorite books, Pride & Prejudice notecards, pictures with frequent patrons, and more. “But I want to thank you again for being so understanding.”
“I just want you to be happy.” Kara got up and threw a hug around her neck. “We’re going to miss you. Not only here in the library, but in Little Lakes.”
“I know. It’s crazy.” A few days after Megan had submitted her application for the Minnesota Republic editorial assistant position, she’d traveled to Minneapolis for an interview, then been offered the job soon after. Having an in with Crystal’s friend had been helpful, as was the fact the daily paper was looking to fill the position quickly.
“I still can’t believe I landed it.” Megan folded the box tops together.
“I’m so happy for you.” Kara chewed her bottom lip. “So . . . anything else?”
“No.” It had been nearly two weeks since Megan had spilled her soul in a blog post for the whole world to see—and she hadn’t heard a word from Caleb.
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