Clean Hack (The Tainted Saints Book 1)

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Clean Hack (The Tainted Saints Book 1) Page 16

by Eve R. Hart


  He wasn’t wrong. Because I knew I was having some kind of crazy meltdown. How the hell did I stop myself from spiraling out of control? I knew. I just needed to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. I had to have been in some kind of mental maze. Which meant that I just have to find my way out of it.

  “Luce,” he whispered, his hand coming up to cup my face. I love the shortened version of my name. No one had ever called me that before. Growing up, I had always been Lucy, with the exception of Allison calling me Lulu. Sure, Tristan called me Lulee. And Nadya occasionally liked to call me Eyes as a sort of joke because I had my eyes on a lot of things. But this, well, it felt like it was his and a comforting warmth blossomed in my chest. “Hey, take a breath. In and out. We are safe and I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

  Then it hit me. Where was Allison? Oh, God. I felt like shit that it took me that long for it to hit me. Was she alright? Was she safe?

  Savage was dead.

  I started to remember bits and pieces.

  “What happened?” I asked because even though I had been there, I felt like there was some kind of block in my brain keeping me from remembering everything.

  “I gotta be honest, I’m not really sure.” His arms tightened around me as he took a deep inhale through his nose. “I got a call from you. I showed up and there was a cleanup that happened. Strangest one I’ve ever had, I will always remember it, that is for sure.” He chuckled lowly. “Then you kind of went all headstrong, on-a-mission on me and we ended up in a warehouse full of dead men.”

  He paused. Like he was giving me a moment to let it all sink in.

  “The Steel Paragons were there…all of them, oddly enough. The leader of the club that resided in that warehouse ended up dead. Some girl was saved. And the FBI showed up.”

  It came flooding back then. All of it. The men I’d killed. The situation I’d gotten myself into. Seeing Allison. Being surrounded by blood and bodies. Seeing Clean for the first time. Feeling something come over me that I couldn’t begin to explain the moment I looked into his eyes.

  “I was able to get us out of there without being noticed. The FBI seemed like they were more focused on getting the leader than anything else. There was a notebook or journal or something that was handed to the head of the team. It seemed like it was what he was after. He actually…helped the Steel Paragons get out of the situation and didn’t even seem like he wanted to take any of them in.”

  “Weird, right?” I whispered, settling my head onto his chest. It felt right, for lack of a better word.

  “Yeah,” he said on a sigh. “Definitely.”

  We were quiet for a long time, both of us in our own heads. His arm was curled around me, his hand rested on my hip and his thumb stroked absently back and forth against my skin.

  I knew he was waiting for answers from me. And I fully believed that he deserved them. Only I wasn’t sure where to start.

  “The girl that they were there to rescue, I guess, I’ve been trying to find her for seven years,” I said a little unsure if I was ready to talk about it just yet.

  I imagined that was why the Steel Paragons were there, to save her as well as take down Savage. They had been planning to make a move for a while now, but last I knew, the President was still a bit hesitant. I felt some sort of protectiveness over Allison with the club. Like she had become one of their own. And it wasn’t hard to miss how that Axe guy looked like he was ready to murder anyone that so much as looked at her. I was sure the end goal of taking down Savage was up there too.

  “She was taken and I couldn’t just let it go. I eventually just started looking into things on my own and when I began to hit walls, I found ways around them. At first, I had no real clue what I was doing, but then after a while, it was like things just clicked in my brain and I was able to look in places that I shouldn’t have been.”

  I went on to try and explain it the best way that I could. I got the feeling that I’d lost him a little, but he was trying to show interest.

  I didn’t know why I couldn’t talk about Allison just yet. Maybe it was still too fresh and too deep. Or it could have been that it hadn’t completely taken root in my brain that she was out now, that I’d found her. Things still didn’t seem real and I was a little afraid to celebrate only to find out it was all a dream.

  “So you are like some kind of computer geek?” he asked and I tried to hold back a snort. “A hacker?”

  “Yeah,” I said and patted his chest. “We’ll go with that.”

  I had never really put a label on myself. It wasn’t like I’d set out to be some kind of super computer chick. I wasn’t doing what I did to be the best at it. I guess if you wanted to put a name on it, I was a hacker. But I mainly used my skills for my own crusade. I wasn’t really out there trying to do big things to get noticed or because I could. I wasn’t trying to be the best. Though, I kind of was up there. But I wasn’t in it for the bragging rights. It had started because I wanted to find my best friend. It branched out because things just sort of fell into place that way.

  “I always wondered how you seemed to know everything. I couldn’t really figure it out, but then again, I am not up on all that technology stuff. I’m sure that makes me sound like an old man. But I just figured it was better not to keep up with that if I wanted to remain a ghost, in a sense.”

  I smiled at his words. He had no idea just how much of a blank form he was to me. I didn’t know anything about him, and it wasn’t for lack of trying.

  “Yeah,” I said, still smiling. “I know absolutely nothing about you. I’ve been lucky enough to get glimpses of you here and there, mostly when you’re working, but beyond that…well, nothing other than what you’ve told me.”

  “That’s good,” he said. “I want it that way. But you can ask me anything. I will tell you anything you want to know.”

  “Derrick,” I said, letting his name fall from my lips in a soft whisper as I lifted my head to look him in the eyes.

  “Yeah, Luce?” he said back with the same kind of softness.

  Whatever I was going to say fled my mouth and my mind. His deep brown eyes pulled me in and all I wanted was to be as close to him as physically possible. I wanted to breathe him in. I wanted to know what his lips felt like against mine. I was pretty sure I wasn’t imagining this thing between us but I was also scared to ruin whatever we had going on. What if I made a move and it was all wrong? Would I lose him? I was so scared to take the chance.

  But then I thought about all the missed chances in my life. And how shut-off I’d been for the last however many years. While I wanted to believe that this thing between us was something, was real, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because I was desperate for any kind of human contact.

  I couldn’t tell you how it happened. It might have been me raising up and pressing my lips against his. It could have been him pulling me to his mouth and claiming me. I honestly wasn’t sure because the moment my lips met his, the world spun out of control. It was tender at first, a simple press, my lips against his. Then it was more. His arms tightened around me, my hand fisted his shirt. And I wasn’t even aware of it, but I opened up to him with no hesitation and his tongue was slipping past my opening and searching out mine. It was slow. Unhurried. Savoring. He made love to my mouth and I welcomed it.

  I breathed out a sigh and a whimper and he swallowed it down. He understood everything I was thinking and everything I needed right now, and he gave it to me in such a slow and torturous way that I thought I’d go insane.

  It had been so long since I’d been touched. So long since I’d felt anything. I wanted it to never end. Oh, and I wanted more.

  I felt him pull away before I was ready. I still clung to him as he placed a soft, close-mouthed kiss on my lips.

  “A lot has happened the last few days,” he started and his voice was thick and raw. He cleared his throat and moved on. “You are in a vulnerable place and I will not take advantage of that. When this happens, a
nd it will happen, I want you to be here with me one hundred percent, okay?”

  There was something in his words that told me he wasn’t going to go away. He wasn’t going to leave. That he felt this thing between us too. So, as much as I wanted to scream at him that I was indeed ready and look overly needy, I held back. Because, if it was meant to be, then it would.

  But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t craving everything he could offer me.

  I nodded wordlessly.

  I couldn’t even explain how that kiss had made me feel. I wanted more but at the same time, I respected everything that he’d said. It was perfect and I would have been an idiot to fight perfection.

  “How about you get a shower and I’ll figure something for us to eat,” he said after I fought the lust battle in my mind.

  “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

  “Look at me,” he demanded and I dragged my eyes up to his, giving him my full attention. “This isn’t a no. This isn’t me telling you that I don’t want whatever the hell this is between us.” I swallowed thickly. “This is me…telling you that you are worth the wait.”

  And well, who couldn’t fall in love with those words. I couldn’t argue with them either. So I told him that I got it, because I did, and then I released him as I rolled out of the bed. I knew if I stayed there much longer then I would most likely have ended up pouncing on him and trying my best to make up for seven years of sad self-orgasms.

  “Shower?” I asked feeling clueless about my surroundings.

  “Down the hall, next door on your left.”

  “Is this your home?” I asked because I still had no clue about where I was.

  “I own several places,” he answered and I felt an underlying meaning in his words. “This is one of them. We’re in Virginia, if you were wondering.”

  It was then that I actually looked around. I could honestly say it didn’t have much of a “homey” feel to it. The walls were left bare bone white. There wasn’t any art on display. Not even a picture next to the bed. Or a book. Or an accent piece. The place screamed “livable” to me and it made me sad. Sure, there was a bed and a side table. There was a chair in the corner and a door that led to what I guessed was a closet. But it lacked a personal touch, something that told me this was his place. Maybe it was a new purchase. It could have been that he hadn’t moved in fully. As I closed the door to the bathroom behind me, I had a feeling that wasn’t it.

  I had been in such a daze that I didn’t grab any of my things. I really wanted to brush my teeth more than anything. I stood there for a long moment debating on going through his things to see if there was an extra one somewhere in here. Would that be wrong? It wasn’t like I was doing it to snoop. I was looking for something specific.

  There was a knock on the door before I even made a move. My hand flew to my chest as I jumped. Luckily, I didn’t scream like I was in a horror movie.

  “Yeah,” I called out a little breathlessly.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Derrick said as he opened the door and sent me a sympathetic look. “I just wanted to tell you that there is toothpaste and new brushes in the drawer on the left. Help yourself. Also, I’m washing all of your things…”

  “Okay,” I said not catching on right away.

  Oh!

  That meant I didn’t have anything to wear.

  Well, that could be a problem. Did he expect me to walk around with nothing on? I mean, I guess if I had to. But that could lead to things…okay, yeah, did not need to go there right now. Because that kiss had definitely affected me like nothing had before and I realized that now was not the time. Or ever maybe? Oh, God. I had no idea.

  I wanted it. I felt a pull to him that I didn’t think I could deny even if I tried to. I could have easily blamed it on the lack of sex and companionship I’d had in my life the last seven years, but I didn’t think that was it.

  There was a low chuckle that filled the air around me. My gaze snapped up to meet his in the reflection of the mirror. I guessed I’d given myself away with the look I held on my face.

  “I brought you something to wear. Don’t freak out, I’ve got you,” he said and it was so smooth it calmed me. There was also something deeper in his words and I tried not to hold onto it. “If this isn’t comfortable for you, feel free to grab anything from the closet in the bedroom. I’ll be in the kitchen.” With that, he left a nicely folded pile of clothes on the edge of the sink and backed out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

  I turned my attention away from the clothes to where he told me to find what I’d been looking for.

  After my teeth felt a million times less funky, I started the shower. The warm spray felt good on my stiff muscles. As I soaped up, trying my hardest not to think about how I was using his soap, I wondered what was going to happen now?

  The weight had been lifted but it only seemed to be replaced with a new one. I’d spent so many years searching for one thing. Now that Allison was free and safe, what the hell was I supposed to do?

  One day at a time.

  That was really the only way I knew I’d be able to handle it and not crack.

  I turned off the water and toweled myself dry. I looked at the plain t-shirt and sweatpants and felt weird. So, I grabbed up the clothes and padded back down the hall and into the bedroom. Inside of the closet, I found where he housed his t-shirts and set it back on top. Then I reached for one of his button-up shirts that I’d always seen him in. As I slipped my arms into the cool, almost silky fabric something about it felt like home. I pulled the collar up to my nose and took a deep whiff, getting the tiniest scent of him under the clean smell. Then, figuring I didn’t have much of a choice, I pulled the sweatpants up and did my best to tie it tightly around my much smaller waist.

  I wondered if I was overstepping. I felt hesitant and a little embarrassed. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner of the closet and hide. I looked around as if I were actually contemplating doing just that.

  Holy cow, I thought as I actually took in the size of the closet I was standing in. I could have fit my bed in there and still had room to run around it. The sad thing was, it looked like the space was hardly used. A tall, dark, solid dresser sat just inside the door. And there were about ten white button-up shirts and the same number of black slacks hanging on the bar just beside the dresser. I looked down to see that there were four pairs of shoes sitting out. Two that looked like the shoes I’d seen him in many times. A pair of oddly brightly colored runners, that had me smiling at the thought of him wearing them. And then there was a pair of gray high-top Chucks. Which made me smile wider. I was sure I looked strange and goofy standing there.

  Then it hit me, I knew nothing about him. Up until a little bit ago, I’d only seen him wear one outfit. I’d only ever pictured him wearing those exact clothes. Like somehow in my mind he even slept in that outfit. Which I realized was completely ridiculous. But I guessed that was what happened when you didn’t really know someone.

  I let out a long sigh. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t hide in here forever.

  -16-

  I Wish Circumstances Were Different

  Clean

  For a good long minute, I looked around the kitchen. I didn’t have much here but that wasn’t really anything new. I didn’t keep any of my places stocked because I never knew when I’d return. I did have a few things in the pantry.

  “Looks like soup it is,” I mumbled to myself as I reached for two big cans of tomato basil soup.

  After finding the pot I was in need of, I started slowly heating the soup up on the stove. Sure, I could have used the microwave, but I felt bad enough as it was that all I had was canned soup to feed her. The least I could have done was to heat it slowly and made sure the flavors came alive. Not to mention, I didn’t know how long she was going to be and to me, food heated in the microwave seemed to get cold really quickly. Plus, it kept me busy. It took my mind of the deep urge I had to ru
n down the hall and check on her. So, I stirred and stirred. And stirred some more.

  Damn, I wish I had some fresh bread and some cheese, I thought as my mouth practically watered at the idea of making a grilled cheese. There was something that was always comforting about a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of warm tomato soup. It seemed like Lucy—wow, it still felt weird that I knew her name—needed some comfort right now. She’d been through a lot. I knew that even if I didn’t know the whole story. Hell, I didn’t even know what all she went through.

  I wanted to talk to her about it but there hadn’t been the right time yet. She passed out in the car practically the moment I shut the door. I tried to wake her, I really did. I need to know where she wanted me to take her. But everything hit her hard and like a light, she was out. Maybe bringing her here wasn’t the best idea, only because I wasn’t sure how she felt. If she wanted me to, I’d gladly drive her anywhere. That said, I wasn’t quite ready to let her go. I had a tiny feeling that maybe she felt the same. I couldn’t say what was going on between us, but there was something. And I knew I’d have been a fool to ignore it, and a bigger one to walk away from it. I was just going to have to take this one moment at a time and maybe let her take the lead. Well, for the most part anyway. There were things I needed to know from her and I believed that it would probably help her if she talked about them, too. Holding all that in wasn’t good and I had this feeling that she’d been doing that for a long time.

  Finally, just when I was about to abandon the soup on the stove to go and check on her, I heard soft, hesitant feet shuffling down the hallway. I turned just in time to see her round the corner to the kitchen. She stood there in the doorway, her plump bottom lip pinched between her teeth and her fingers playing nervously with the bottom flap of the shirt she had on. That shirt just so happened to be one of my work shirts. I don’t know why, but it fucking rendered me speechless. It wasn’t the one I’d left her within the bathroom. Not that I minded at all. Maybe in the back of my mind, I’d hoped she’d go in my closet and put one of them on when I told her that she could find something else if she wanted. My brain obviously knew something I didn’t. I wanted to say something but the words all rushed out of my brain, pretty sure they followed all the blood down south.

 

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