by Eve R. Hart
The thought that she’d been alone and had to go through that made me shake with anger. I tried playing it off as a joke, but I think she noticed. I didn’t want to play the what if game but it was hard not to.
“Don’t,” she said leaning up and placing a delicate kiss on my cheek. “I’m here. I’m alright…mostly. Let’s just focus on that.”
I nodded as I pulled her closer. Her nose rubbed against my skin as she buried her face in my neck. I held her, my fingers running through her hair in a way that I hoped it help her feel grounded. It certainly did for me.
-17-
Why Deny How I Feel?
Lucy
I couldn’t believe how tired I felt. I hadn’t gotten everything out and though I sensed he wanted to know more, he didn’t push me. Everything felt heavy and almost ached. My head. My skin. My soul. Even my heart. My lids were heavy and as his fingers continued to stroke through my hair from root to tip, I could think of nothing else but giving into the sleepy feeling.
“Luce?” His voice came out like a whisper and I could tell he was checking to see if I had fallen asleep on him.
Believe me, I wanted to. I felt like I couldn’t get close enough to this man and with one simple touch, he dulled the weighing thoughts that plagued me.
“Hmmm?” I responded not wanting to move enough to open my mouth.
“Should I put you to bed?”
I nodded, just barely. His body shook with silent laughter. Then he wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me once, before shifting so he could pick me up in his arms. I tightened my hold around his neck. He carried me in his strong arms to the bedroom. Once there, he gently lowered me down to the bed. I was reluctant to let go, but I did. My eyes remained closed but I felt him shift away from me. No, I thought because I didn’t want him to leave.
“I’m not ready to let you go yet,” I mumbled in a sleepy daze.
“You sure?” he asked and I could have sworn that I heard something hopeful in his tone.
“Please,” I said as I shifted over just a little bit.
I knew as soon as he slid in between the sheets that I was going to roll over and curl up into his side. I was too exhausted to over-analyze it.
And that was just what I did the moment he was settled in.
He placed a delicate kiss on my forehead and then it was lights out for me.
I didn’t sleep well. I felt like my body was restless the entire night. At some point, I got lost in the dreams. Ones that seemed so real. I felt like I was back in that motel room. There were bodies scattered about and my heart was racing in my chest. Then I looked around again, and suddenly there was another body. This one tied to a chair. Blood leaked out of the numerous gashes and stab wounds he had all over his body. There was a hole in his head, a little left from dead center. Though one would have assumed he was dead, his mouth was turned up in the most sinister of smirks. It was like he was saying that death wouldn’t be the end of him. In my dream, I could feel how right he was. The man may have been dead but he would continue to torment me. And so many others. Death hadn’t stopped the fear. It hadn’t wiped away all the bad things he’d done.
The images that played out in my dreams made me feel disoriented even in my sleep.
I woke to a strange smell. Not strange as in weird or bad. Strange as in unfamiliar, but yet, somehow it was. Then I realized that I was pressed tightly against a firm body. I felt like my head was all swimmy and I didn’t know which end was up. I couldn’t even tell where the hell I was at the moment. My brain was so foggy and it was hard for me to cut through it to make sense of anything.
I listened to how I felt. I was safe. I was warm. And there was a little thing jabbing me in the heart trying to tell me that this was where I belonged.
But that was crazy because I didn’t even know where I was.
My eyes felt like they were fused together. I wanted to open them so badly, but I couldn’t. Actually, I couldn’t seem to move any part of my body. It was like I was in some kind of half dream-like state. Or, you know, not fully awake.
I’d never slept beside someone. Well, I didn’t count my sleepovers with Allison when we shared a bed. This didn’t feel anything like those. I mean, I never cuddled up to Allison like the way I was against this person. Who so happened to be a male. I just had a feeling about that. And that smell. I felt myself take a big, deep breath in through my nose just to get more of it. It was…dangerously warming.
Um, what the fuck?
Okay, my brain was clearly still not functioning because that shit didn’t make any fucking sense.
“Luce,” a voice said in a raw, sexy whisper.
That name. No one had ever called me that before.
No, that wasn’t true.
He called me that.
Then I smiled, my eyes still refusing to open. I remembered where I was and more importantly, who I was plastered up against.
My cleaner.
Derrick.
I couldn’t believe that I finally knew his name. I pushed away all the thoughts of how we’d gotten to this point and basked in the fact that I was in his arms. Which…sounded a little creepy. I mean, it wasn’t like I’d envisioned this moment for years or anything. Or ever, really. I didn’t have some sort of weird, twisted, sick obsession with the man. It was only recently that I’d come to have the feels. Very recently. Like the moment I laid eyes on him, recently.
“Hey, Luce, you’re safe,” he said and shit, it warmed my heart.
I knew I was safe, even if at first I didn’t know where I was. There was something in his scent that got to me on a different level. It whispered words of warmth and comfort. Safety and protection. Hope and life.
“I don’t want to wake up because I don’t want to get out of this bed,” I said honestly.
His body shook as though he was laughing. There was a low, almost inaudible rumble in his chest that vibrated through my ear sending a shiver down my spine.
“Sweetness, I love that, and I couldn’t agree more. We can stay here as long as you want to.”
“Really?” I said sounding like a hopeful kid. My eyes opened and I was met with his deep, brown eyes already staring down into mine.
“I have nowhere I’d rather be,” he said as he scooted down to my level, got right in my face, and brushed his nose against mine. It was welcomed, that was for sure. My eyes fluttered but I refused to let them close again. “How are you feeling?”
I took a long moment to not only get lost in his eyes, but think of his question. I wanted to answer as honestly as possible because I felt he deserved it. He’d earned it. Above all the noise in my head, I felt it in my heart that I could trust him.
“Confused, mostly,” I finally said. When his brows pinched tight with worry and an unspoken need for me to elaborate, I tried to explain. “Right now, I kind of feel like I’m in a bubble with you. I don’t want to leave it and I don’t know how to explain it. I want to be here. It’s like my heart is calling out for you, but I feel like I should fight it. But then, I just want to give in to it more than anything. Like maybe I don’t really need an explanation for how I feel.”
“It’s strange, isn’t it?” he asked and I could tell he could feel it too. This pull between us was strong and I started to believe it was futile to fight it.
“I know there are things…” My voice trailed off as it hit me how shitty I’d been.
While I had thought of Allison and even talked about her, I hadn’t made a move to try and get in touch with her. I searched for a reason why but couldn’t come up with one. Maybe I was still in shock or didn’t believe that this was real. Maybe I was being selfish, which I hated to think. Was it really enough to know that she was free and safe? Was she safe? I mean, Savage was dead, I’d seen it with my own eyes. Well, not the actual part where he was shot in the head. And as much as I had tried to keep my eyes off of the things around me in that warehouse, I couldn’t help but to get one good, long glimpse at him after it was over, just to
make sure it was real and all.
That wasn’t the only thing I had noticed that night. I saw how she had someone that wanted nothing more than to protect her. Axe, his name was. I only knew his club name because for some reason there wasn’t much I could find on him. Really, I didn’t know a damn thing other than he seemed to have a relationship with the President of the head chapter of the Steel Paragons that seemed more like it was father and son. I knew enough to know that they weren’t related. From what I’d gathered, the President had taken Axe in as a boy. I felt like there was some real darkness there, but I was never able to find out what it was. I’d also seen enough to pick up on his on-again-off-again relationship with one of the club girls. But even I could tell that it had ended for good months ago.
I started to fall down into a dark hole where the hatred of myself wanted to consume me. I was a shitty person. I’d spent years wanting to save her and here I was keeping myself in this little bubble now that I’d found her.
“Hey, come back to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head?” His soothing voice pulled me back from the darkness.
“I need to call Allison.”
“Okay,” he said lightly and it was like the weight of the world lifted off of my chest. It was like he had all the answers to everything. “Let me up so I can grab my phone and I’ll make a call.”
So I did. Even though I wasn’t ready to release him yet. He rolled over and snatched up his phone from the bedside table. Then as quickly as I’d lost his warmth, I had it back again.
“Hey,” he said with his phone pressed against his ear and his eyes on me. “Things calm down? Are your girls safe?”
I was close enough to hear the deep voice on the other end. I could hear it so clearly, I could tell that it was tired and worn out.
“Yeah. Most of us made it home a few hours ago. My girls are good and safe.”
“And the girl? Allison?”
“I shouldn’t be surprised you’re calling me about that. What, you finally met you’re little psychic?”
Derrick chuckled into the phone.
“Yeah,” he said, his eyes and features softening a bit. “Yeah, I did.”
“That’s weird as fuck.”
“What?” he said, his face clouded with confusion.
“Hearing that strange wistfulness in your tone. Looks like you got it too.”
Derrick cleared his throat and took a moment before he spoke again.
I got the feeling like he was closer to the guy on the other end than he was with anyone else. Or at least, any of the other Paragon men. I only wished I could have known which one it was.
“Yeah, I’d say so,” he said then swallowed hard as though he felt like he’d said too much with me right there. “Anyway, I have someone that needs to get in touch with Allison. Can you make that happen.”
“Yep, I’ll make the call. It might be a while. I’m sure you understand. Axe’s protective over her and Neiryn. And I know he wants to give them quiet time together.”
Neiryn.
That must have been her little boy’s name. Tears sprung to my eyes at the sound of it and I desperately wanted to get to meet him.
“Thanks. Do what you can. Just know, I got someone here that really needs to hear from her.”
“I got it. I’ll make it happen.”
Then he brought the phone away from his ear and part of me wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, while the other part wanted to hold my breath until I heard her voice.
“Thank you,” I whispered and kissed him softly on the lips.
I couldn’t get over how comfortable I felt with him. It had been a long time since I’d had actual in-person closeness like this. Come on, I was someone that got excited by my pizza delivery boy time. A conversation that didn’t last longer than probably three minutes and it wasn’t like he was talking to me because he wanted to. He was doing his job. And while he was sweet and went above and beyond, with the whole grocery shopping thing, there was still a sense of pity in his eyes. He wasn’t my friend. I didn’t call him just to hang out and watch TV or whatever people that were friendly did.
Yeah, I was pathetic.
I knew it.
And I wasn’t going to deny it.
But that didn’t help me figure out this whole thing that was going on right now. How I felt so comfortable and at ease. I shouldn’t have. In fact, I felt more awkward around people the more the years ticked on. I’d isolated myself so much that I only knew how to interact with myself. God, that sounded so sad. But I was well aware of its truth.
“I lost you somewhere?” His smooth voice broke me out of my thoughts.
“I just…” Have no idea what to say? I mean, it wasn’t an easy thing to open up, especially now.
But I didn’t have to, because my stomach decided to let out a super loud and embarrassing grumble, effectively turning our attention to it.
“I need to feed you,” he said with a chuckle.
“It seems like it,” I replied back jokingly.
“I don’t have much here. Can you hold off about twenty minutes so I can run down to the store?”
“Sounds like I don’t have much of a choice,” I said teasingly as I smiled up at him.
“Alright,” he said tapping my back as a way to tell me to get up. I hesitantly did. We were in a little bubble here in this room, in this bed, and I didn’t want to pop it. “I’ll be back as soon as possible. Eggs sound good?”
I nodded as I rested my head on the pillow and pulled the comforter around me.
“Just don’t expect me to get out of this bed before you get back,” I said loving how fucking comfortable it was. Like for real. It was a good mattress. And the pillows, just the right amount of firmness to cradle my head and not make me feel like I was suffocating.
“You are welcome to stay there as long as you like,” he said and turned so quickly I wasn’t able to read his expression.
He ducked into the closet, changed behind the closed door, then was back out in another super soft looking shirt and a pair of jeans. I couldn’t help but take him in and how good he looked in jeans. He offered me a slow smile before he headed on his way.
I took in a deep, calming breath once I was alone. Where was I supposed to go from here? I imagined that at some point I’d have to make my way back to my apartment. I had a life to get back to. Only, I really didn’t. It wasn’t like there was anyone waiting for me to return. I had no commitments to other people or plans. I had…nothing. I didn’t even have a pet that was missing me. Which was maybe good because I wasn’t there to feed it anyway. But that wasn’t the point.
That was the moment I started to feel shaky and antsy.
Sure, Allison was safe but that didn’t mean she was the only one out there. There were missing persons to find. Kids that had been snatched right off the streets. Bad guys to shut down. And all the other stuff I had done for the last few years in between my keeping an eye out for Savage.
I had a strong urge to track down Burke and check on him. Oh, and Nadya was probably wondering what was going on with me. I needed a computer. As I looked around the room, I got a good feeling that I wasn’t going to find one here.
I was worried about Burke. The desperation that I’d heard in Harrison’s voice still rang in my ears. He needed his man out and had been fearful of Burke losing himself in this job. I hadn’t gotten enough from the situation that night in the warehouse to be able to tell anything. He seemed like he was okay, but he was also a man good at hiding things. Which, of course, was good for the jobs he had to do. But not so good at being able to tell if he was teetering on the edge of darkness or completely consumed by it.
I prayed that he was stronger than I was giving him credit for. He was, I just knew it. But that didn’t mean that all of it, those long years he was under, doing only God knows what, didn’t have some effect on him. Maybe I’d never know.
I decided to take a moment to call Nadya. She’d sent me her new number just like she’d promi
sed. It took me a long minute of sitting there staring at my phone before I got the nerve to hit send.
“I want to ask, but I feel like I shouldn’t,” she said as she answered without even giving a hello.
“Yeah, um, that was pretty crazy, right?”
“I guess,” she said and I pictured her giving a little shrug. “Things are…different now.”
I felt like I was on the edge of breaking. I wanted to pour my heart out and cry and yell and so many other things, but I wasn’t sure she wanted to deal with it. It wasn’t like we’d ever really done that sort of thing with each other before.
“Because they are,” she answered shortly.
“Where am I supposed to go from here?”
“I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out for myself.”
“You have the big guy now.”
“Yeah, I do,” she said and I would have sworn I heard a wistful sigh after she spoke. “But just because I…care for him deeply, doesn’t mean that I have things figured out. There is still the whole thing with his son, you know, he has one. How will that be? Will it change now that he can come home? Maybe, Noah doesn’t need me now. Or maybe, he hates me for the things I’ve done.”
“I’m going to go ahead and say that you are over thinking it. I’m not even going to sugar coat it. He loves you and you know that you love him, whether or not you want to admit it to me. And I have a feeling that you grew closer to his son than you thought you would. Something happened in that safe house and you had trouble walking away.”
“You might be right.”
“I am right,” I said with a laugh.
“How is it that you are sitting there giving me love advice when you can’t even figure out your own situation? Should I ask where you are? I would guess not at your place.”
I bit my lip to try and hold back a smile.
“You’re completely right. I feel things and it seems strange. Like it is too soon to have such a deep connection.”
“The first moment I saw Noah, I knew deep down inside that there was something about him. I wouldn’t allow myself to admit it even a little. But I knew that I was going to try to save him from his misery rather than put him out of it.”