by Joy Eileen
I turned to face him again. This time his face took on a desperate expression. I wished I’d kept walking, nothing good could come from the intent look on D's face.
He held onto my arm as he stared at me, opening and closing his mouth as if he were trying to come up with the right words. He clamped his jaw closed, seeming frustrated by his inability to speak.
I thought back to what Kill had told me about D and his drug addict mother. I softened as I sensed the scared little boy inside. The boy who still seemed to be lost, searching for something even if he didn't know exactly what it was.
"What is it, D?” My voice was low, and I had to swallow my emotions when I thought of everything he’d gone through.
He cleared his throat and launched into his speech, speaking quickly, not bothering to take a breath so he could push it all out in a rush. It was as if he wanted to get his thoughts out as fast as humanly possible, so they could no longer torment him.
“I don’t want you to get involved with Kill. He'll hurt you, and you've been through so much already. He'll destroy what you’ve worked so hard to restore. When I saw you the first night at the bar, I wanted nothing more than to see you overcome the demons you’re so obviously burdened with. You were so strong, trying to hide your bruises from everyone. Kill isn't the right one for you. It makes me sick with worry at what would happen if he hurts you. I haven't had much of a family until I met the band, and now you have become a part of it. If Kill hurts you, I’d have to decide between the two of you, and I don't want to think about that.”
His eyes were bright with emotion. When he finished, he expelled a long, loud sigh, as if weight had been physically removed from him. I stared at him, dumbfounded. My mouth now opened and closed as his had seconds ago, before he verbally unleashed his torrent of words.
“You're an amazing woman. Please, don't mess up our family by doing something you would both regret later. Something the whole band would have to crawl back from in the aftermath. Goodnight, Faith,” he said before turning and walking into his room, leaving me speechless out in the hallway.
Kill opened my door and pulled me into the room, closing it quietly behind us. He led me to the bed where I sat on the edge, still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.
Kill bent so that his face was directly in front of mine. I couldn't look into his eyes, and I had no clue what to say. I wasn’t sure how much he’d heard.
He put his finger under my chin and tilted it up so I had to look at him. His eyes roamed over my face, once again searching for something. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, scream out he was the one I wanted and that I didn't care what anyone thought of him, but D's declaration scared me from revealing too much.
“Slick.” Frustration simmered across his whole body. He stood to his full height while running his fingers through his thick brown hair. When I didn't respond, he paced the room in angry strides. He finally turned, stopping so he was standing in front of me. His face was fierce, and it made him look even more perfect. My avenging god.
“He's right. Anyone's a better person for you than me. Everyone I get close to, I hurt, and I've never been a one-woman man.”
My stomach pitched at his words. The red-hot need to throw him out of my room—so I could be alone to grieve for what had been formed and destroyed just as quickly between us—was hard to control. My defenses went on high alert, anger curling around me to protect me from the onslaught of emotions he was about to unleash into my system. I restrained my words, letting him finish saying what he needed to say before I completely rejected him from my heart. Hope was a cruel, fickle bitch, and I could only assume she’d learned it from her big sister, Karma. Somehow, I had pissed both of them off—maybe I’d been an asshole in a former life.
I watched him as he waged an internal battle within himself. I had to remind myself to breathe. Fear he would walk out of the room, and all of the progress we’d made tonight would be for nothing made my stomach squeeze painfully. My heart still felt injured by the last man I’d trusted it to, and I was afraid the new wall that would be constructed after Kill rejected me would make it impenetrable. Our brief time together would turn into a perfect memory packed away to relive on lonely nights.
When he opened his eyes, they were filled with determination. “I should leave you alone.”
My heart sputtered before nearly stopping at his words, but when he stayed rooted in his spot, it began pumping faster. He stared at me with his penetrating blue eyes, waiting for me to say something to either make him leave or force him to stay. With his silence, he was offering me all of the power. What he didn't know was I had lost all control when it came to him. He just hadn’t figured it out yet.
“Do you want me to go to someone else? Is that what you want?” I asked, trying to wield the authority he had given me.
He tugged on his hair, looking at the ceiling as if he were trying to make the answers to the questions going through his head appear. I refused to make this easy for him. I couldn’t have him second-guessing whatever this was between us.
Our relationship would never work if he was always wondering if I would leave him for Jason or somebody else.
He finally let go of his hair and locked eyes with me. “No.” His face looked pained when he voiced his decision.
Even though I wanted to jump up and down and do a happy dance, my expression remained stoic, just in case he decided to put a but at the end of his no.
He didn’t say anything else, and I wasn't sure if he was waiting for me to reply or gathering his thoughts. He rubbed the back of his neck as we stayed locked in our stare down. I refused to back down first.
“I just...fuck, Slick. Hell, I don’t know what to do. Like you said, this isn't the first person who’s warned you about me, and I guarantee it won't be the last. I know you're not ready, but I'm willing to take it slow. You need to trust me and not listen to the gossip. I have a feeling D might be wrong about who's going to get hurt.”
I shook my head, wondering if he had lost his mind at his preposterous statement.
“Talk to me, Faith. Please, tell me you trust me, or at least give me the benefit of the doubt until I earn it.”
“Kill, I need you to keep your word and take it slow with me. In my heart, I know one of two things are going to happen between us. One, you’ll be everything I need you to be, going all in and making this work. Two, you’ll disappoint the hell out of me. I'm not sure I'm ready for either of those scenarios right now. I don't want to be that girl. The one who gets out of one relationship and jumps right into another. I want to define myself, not let the person I'm with define me. I see the women around you, and I can't compare to half of them. I need to have some self-confidence in who I am before I dedicate myself to anyone, especially someone like you.”
It was his turn to stare at me like I’d just made the statement of the year at an idiot convention.
“You're right about one thing; you don’t compare to half of them. In fact, you don’t compare to any of them. You're so far out of their league; it's laughable. I know you don’t see yourself the way you should, but you're beautiful, intelligent, strong, and stubborn." He stroked his finger lightly down my cheek before reclaiming his hand. "I need to talk to D tomorrow and let him know how dedicated I am to you. I was wrong to think he had feelings for you other than the strong urge to protect you. He has been through so much; it makes sense he would want to be a hero to the people he loves.” Kill plopped down on my bed, the worry that had strained his face since I’d walked back into the room seemed to be disappearing. I pushed him down on the bed and straddled his waist, my hands covering his cheeks, as I needed to claim his full attention.
“You can’t talk to him tomorrow,” I said with a hysterical edge to my voice. He gave me a curious look while I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself so I could explain. “We just started this...whatever this is.” I motioned my finger back and forth between the two of us as his eyes started to harden. �
��You promised you would take this slow with me. I can't have people bombarding me with advice or warnings like I know they will. Honestly, I don't know if I'm strong enough to let their words of caution not influence me.”
He winced as if my words were tiny daggers pelting him with every syllable I spoke. I decided to employ a distraction technique to move away from the topic. Our conversation was diving too deep into my insecurities, and I couldn't handle the onslaught of feelings that would come up by delving into them further.
I leaned over, watching his eyes transition from hurt to lust the closer I moved. His pupils dilated until the blue around them was just a sliver surrounding the blackness of pure want. I pushed down slightly on his hips causing friction between us and making both of us gasp with pleasure.
I traced his lip with my tongue, sucking it in between my lips and trying to get my fill of his taste while knowing it would never be enough. His eyes were locked on mine, neither of us blinking, both wanting to stay in the moment. A burst of fear ran up my spine, and I wondered if I was going to be strong enough to get over my abandonment issues and give him a fair chance.
I pushed into him, and doubled my efforts at banishing my worry by kissing him more passionately. He rolled over so I was under him, pinning me down and pressing his erection into my core. Heat exploded through my senses, and with each thrust my worries shrank away as lust pushed everything else aside.
Someone went into the bathroom, and we moved away from each other immediately, both of us out of breath. I pressed my lips together to stop the tingling Kill's kisses created, but the movement made his taste flood into me, causing pleasure to rush inside of me again. My vagina was content I was no longer denying Kill, at least for tonight and left me to my own devices.
He kissed my forehead and scooted me up to the top of the bed, pulling the covers over both of us in the process. I shifted until my back was pressed into his chest, feeling secure in his arms. His erection pressed against my butt, and my body instinctively pushed into it. He growled into my ear, biting my lobe and causing more heat to rush between my legs.
“Stop that, Slick. You're going to kill me if you keep doing that.”
“Sorry,” I whispered back with a huge smile on my face, happy I’d caused such an intense reaction.
“No, you aren’t.”
I guess I wasn’t as convincing as I thought.
“I'm going to wreck you when your visitor leaves,” he responded, causing me to shiver.
It pained me to know the only thing keeping us from giving into each other was my body. “Promises, promises,” I replied, trying to sound like I didn’t care one way or the other.
He chuckled, feeling my body’s reaction to him contradict my words. “Go to sleep.”
I was about to tell him to stop giving me orders but ended up yawning instead. I snuggled deeper into his chest, and he tightened his hold. He kissed the top of my head as we let sleep take us under.
Chapter 4
I jolted awake in an empty bed. A partial anxiety attack tickled my nerves as I wondered if I had imagined the night before. Placing my hand to my lips, I was relieved to feel they were tender from the passionate kisses we’d shared. I sat up with a start, and did half a happy dance in my bed. I kissed Kill last night. I stopped, and reiterated.
I. KISSED. KILL. LAST. NIGHT.
My mind halfheartedly tried to berate me for my impulsive actions, but even my regret was sluggish from the effect of Kill's lips.
He’s going to shatter you when he’s done with you, my conscience whispered. My heart plugged its ears, screaming it didn't care.
I was telling him the truth last night as to why I didn’t want to tell D or the rest of the guys about us. Hell, I didn’t even know what we were. All I knew was that I would be the one coming out worse for wear when this thing ended.
The JackholeS were going to hit it big soon. D worked relentlessly to get them into the Tryptophan Torture Fest, and I had no doubt they’d be discovered during the festival, if not sooner. I couldn’t imagine asking Kill to fend off the thousands of sexy fans just to be faithful to the girlfriend he’d left at home. It would be extremely selfish to keep him tied to me when his life was about to change drastically for the better. My heart lurched at the realization—I was only going to get a few months with Kill before I’d have to let him go.
I wasn't going to risk my sanity by worrying about him or his penis while he was on tour, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask Kill to behave like anything but a rockstar. The two scenarios I’d laid out for him the night before were the only two I could logically picture. He would be devoted to me, worrying about my feelings instead of having the time of his life doing what he loved, or he would leap into the role of celebrity without giving me a passing thought. One wasn't fair to him, and the other wasn't fair to me.
The decision I needed to make was whether it would be worth it to have him for those couple months, or if I should just push him away now. After deliberating most of the morning, I decided I wasn’t going to pursue us.
My decision was firm until I looked at my nightstand and saw a brownie sitting proudly next to my phone and iPod, both of which were fully charged. Not only did he get me chocolate, he’d plugged in all of my electronics. Fuck, my heart was going to get crushed when the moment came for them to leave for tour, and I had to end us. The only thing I could hope for was that my soul would somehow stay intact at the end of this.
Kill and I silently tortured each other, brushing against one another any chance we got. When the guys looked away, our lips connected in a heated embrace before we quickly pulled apart.
A gallon of milk gave its life when Kill bent over me and bit the back of my neck. I retaliated by biting his earlobe, one of his more sensitive spots, right before he walked out into the garage for practice. Our actions became more bold as our need to be connected grew stronger. When we were onstage, it was difficult to stop myself from grabbing him and claiming him in front of everyone.
If it hadn’t been for the hostile notes continuously placed on my car, I would’ve thought my luck had finally turned around. A handful of Tums was necessary after each paper encounter, especially since I had to slip them past Kill.
The universe made sure I didn't get a big head as the intensity of the notes started to escalate.
You're mine. This little
rebellion is starting to
wear on my nerves.
and
I'm not going to be
patient much longer.
Each annoyance my behavior incited was reiterated on college-lined notepaper lodged beneath my windshield wipers.
The third day of our relationship landed on my favorite holiday, July 4th, and I was ecstatic. Ray closed down the bar, allowing all of us to celebrate together.
We made plans to go down to the Waterfront, since they were boasting the largest firework show in Portland. I forced everyone to get up early to go to the parade they held downtown. Kill laughed at me as I screamed, “Happy Fourth of July!” to every float as they passed by.
Kill and the boys yelled louder and louder, trying to get the floats to pay attention to them.
"I bet I can get more waves than you," Jet challenged. The competitive gleam in his eyes was unmistakable.
"You're on. Nobody can resist my sexiness," Van told him, moving Jessie off his lap so he could stand.
They both looked at Kill and D who hadn't moved from their seats. "I get it; you're scared," Jet taunted, turning away from them so he could scream at the next float.
"I just don't want to embarrass you," Kill responded, leaning back in his chair like he didn't have a care in the world.
Behind the protection of my sunglasses, my eyes roamed over Kill's body. He looked sexy as sin in his faded blue jeans and tight black tank-top. His face was covered by the shadow from his black hat with the JackholeS logo across it. As always, his sunglasses shielded his blue eyes.
"Ha, whatever you say, man," Van sa
id before turning back to the street to wave frantically at the next float.
"Look over here," Jet cried as he lifted his shirt up, showing abs I didn't even know he possessed.
Jessie and Amy were giggling at the boys’ antics. I tried to stay focused on Van and Jet, but my mind kept wandering to the man sitting a couple of seats down from me. I heard Kill get up from his chair and all three of us turned and watched him as he made his way over to Van, who was flexing his biceps.
"Come on, D, let's show them how the JackholeS do the Fourth of July." Kill nodded his head at D.
D grudgingly got up and stood next to his bandmates. The boys were starting to get more attention than the parade. Spectators were now standing up and pointing at the boys as they tried to get the whole block to do the wave.
I let out a snort when their efforts failed miserably, because most people were too busy gawking at them.
"Maybe you guys should just join the parade," I told them.
"That's a great idea," Jet cried as he tried to pull the boys into the street in front of the YMCA float.
"She was kidding," D screamed pulling Jet back onto the sidewalk.
Amy got up and scrambled onto Jet's back, waving at the wide-eyed people. Jessie got up and settled into Amy's abandoned seat.
"You shouldn't have said that," Jessie hissed as we tried to hide our laughter. Kill and Van had their arms around Jet and Amy, looking like the most awkward group hug. D was shaking his head, shooting dirty looks at me while they talked Jet out of becoming a late parade entry.
After threatening to hogtie Jet, we finally wrestled him into D's Highlander, so we could go home to BBQ. I insisted, it was a tradition and wouldn't be the Fourth without the smell of charred meat.
Earlier in the week, I’d made the boys prepare the grill while I went shopping for a traditional Fourth of July feast. A smile peaked on my lips when I remembered Kill trying to sneak away with me. The boys had guilt-tripped him into staying and helping them with the chores. The forlorn expression on his face when he’d realized he was stuck at home was burned into my head.