by Joy Eileen
Jessie hugged me tightly, whispering in my ear. “I almost thought you’d be the one who’d change him. If you can’t, I guess nobody can. Aren't you glad you didn't get involved any further with him?” She let me go and headed to the bar.
Anger flared inside me. Everyone assumed it was Kill who had ruined what we might have had, when in reality it had been me who’d hurt him. All he asked for was a real chance, not a secret relationship and I had denied him.
I was drained when the bar shut down. Throughout the night, I’d ignored the pity stares and the I told you so looks. Mentally and physically, I was over the whole day. When I walked through the front door at home, Kill wasn't there. An image of him making out with one of the disease-riddled sluts at the table ran through my head, making my stomach pitch forward. I quietly tip-toed upstairs and pressed my ear to his door. As I stood there in the darkened hallway, I was met with complete silence.
He really was gone.
Chapter 8
The next three weeks were some of the most painful I’d ever had to endure. Kill drank more than I'd ever seen, and he never came home at night.
The only time we made eye contact was when we were practicing or onstage. I lived for those moments, because I could see the feelings he had for me were still there. He did a phenomenal job repressing them the rest of the time, but they would briefly skim the surface while we were singing.
Running was now a solo affair. Every morning, Kill would sit at the kitchen table, silently sipping his protein shake and ignoring me as I went outside.
I had to force myself to eat. My Tums consumption increased at an alarming rate, but I stuffed that worry into the back of my mind along with everything else I didn’t want to think about.
The letters on my car also changed. I was now gifted with pictures of Kill surrounded by numerous girls. Even though I never witnessed Kill doing anything improper with the skank entourage, my mind had come to terms with the fact he had moved on.
I had to change my hiding place for the notes from the drawer I’d initially put them in, to a shoebox at the top of my closet. I now had a pretty impressive collection.
My phone calls to my dad were less frequent. When we did talk, I could never gather the courage to tell him Jason and I were no longer together. I really didn't see the point in confessing my break-up; the damage had already been done. With my heart barely held together as it was. I wasn’t ready to deal with the devastation I would cause my dad when I told him.
The day before school started I spent the afternoon in my room avoiding everyone. When I was convinced everyone was gone, I decided to take a shower.
I stopped just before opening my door when I heard a skank giggle. My stomach churned, the bitter acid rising up. This was the first time Kill had brought one of his conquests home.
Frustrated and disgusted, I sent a quick text to Jessie, begging her to let me stay the night. I knew I needed to hurry, so I wouldn't have to endure being under the same roof as Kill and his debauched groupie.
Grabbing all of my stuff, I threw it into my bag, needing to escape before Kill got too far into the STD'd hole he brought home. My soul felt like it was crumbling. I ran to my closet and dug through it until my hands brushed against my old armor. Tears welled in my eyes as I pulled the hoodie on. It brought up so many memories of the times I’d donned it to hide the bruises Jason left behind on my skin. It was my shield against the outside world, and at the moment, I needed some protection.
I walked out of my room and right into the biker skank, Gemma. When our eyes met, hers filled with pure malice, as she supported a very drunk Kill.
"Seriously?!" I shouted, ready to pull her off him, but then thought better of it. "You know what? Don't mind me; I was just leaving. It’s a good thing you got to him now, with all the virtuous ladies he has been staying with, I'm sure his dick's going to fall off soon.” I moved to walk around her, but her cold laugh stopped me.
"You're a fucking moron. I can't believe he fell for such a stupid bitch. You’ve fucking ruined him for anyone else. I was helping his sorry ass home, because Catcher, who he’s been staying with by the way, was held up."
My mouth hung open as her words drilled through my hoodie, and wrapped around my heart, bringing the pieces closer together. Kill stood straighter and stepped away from Gemma, leaning on the wall and staring at me as she spoke. He didn't open his mouth to protest, and they both seemed to be waiting for me to answer.
His eyes flitted down to my bag which hung awkwardly over my shoulder. His jaw clenched and pain clouded his face. “Where are you going, Faith?” he asked. His whole body sagged with weariness.
"I was going to stay at Jessie's tonight. I have school tomorrow, and..."
"Hello, I'm still fucking here. You know what? You can have him. He isn't the same anymore." Gemma stomped down the stairs in her black high-heeled boots and slammed the door.
"So you've been staying at Catcher's?" I asked as I watched the alcohol lose its hold on him.
"Yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his neck before continuing. "I couldn't stay here. I didn't trust myself."
"I thought you were staying the night with the dirty whores hanging all over you," I admitted. My face flamed with anger and embarrassment.
"I knew you were going to assume I was sleeping around, and I never said anything to correct your assumption. It was a dick move, and I'm sorry."
"It was a dick move, but I understand. I was being childish too. I should’ve talked to you."
He crossed the small length separating us in two steps and hugged me to his chest. He bent down and talked into my hair, causing my body to go into shock at being so close to him after his lengthy absence.
“I don't want to play games with you anymore. I'm a hypocritical asshole, getting mad at you for not being truthful and turning around to do the same thing. Please, don't go to Jessie's.”
I inhaled deeply. Beneath the smoke and alcohol that clung to his clothes, I could detect Kill's essence. He kissed the top of my head, and I dropped my bag, finally relenting to his touch, and hugged him back.
We didn’t move out of the hallway. We just held each other securely, neither of us wanting to let go first.
“Come on, Slick. Let’s get you to bed; you have school tomorrow.”
My heart beat wildly when he called me Slick. I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. He pulled the covers back so I could slip into bed. It had been weeks since we’d talked, and the void I’d felt without him in my life needed to be filled.
My phone beeped in my bag from the hallway. Before I could move, Kill went over and retrieved my stuff. The text was from Jessie, asking where I was. I texted her back, telling her I was going to stay home. While I typed, Kill left my room and closed the door.
I stared at the mirrored rectangle, wondering if I had imagined what had just transpired. Snuggling in my hoodie, I breathed in the lingering scent of Kill, letting it soothe me. With my earbuds in place, I buried myself down in bed, trying to relax enough to fall asleep so I wouldn't be in zombie mode the first day of school.
My door opened ten minutes later-not that I was paying attention to the slow-moving clock—a sober and freshly showered Kill stood in the doorway. He waited, most likely to see whether I would kick him out or invite him in.
I held up the covers on his side of the bed, and he smiled shyly. He climbed in next to me, grabbing me and pulled me to him.
“You have too many clothes on, Slick,” he said, trying to find the edge of my hoodie in search of my skin.
His words weren’t heated or full of lust, just a yearning to be close to me. I yanked off my hoodie, and stuffed it under my pillow, not wanting it to be too far away. He reached under my tank-top, his large, calloused hand sprawling across my lower back, holding me close to him.
He sighed when our flesh connected. “Much better.”
My insides clenched at being near him, and his hand seared my flesh. I had to take deep breaths to calm
myself. The burning between my thighs spread throughout my body. When I got myself under control and I no longer felt like a brazen hussy, I put my leg over his, resting my head on his shoulder, feeling at peace. I listened to his heartbeat as it lulled me to sleep. Ever since he stopped sneaking into my bed, I hadn’t been sleeping well. Now, with him next to me, I could barely keep my eyes open. I yawned loudly, melting further into his body.
“Go to sleep; you have school tomorrow. I'm right here.”
I wanted to argue with him and tell him I wanted to talk about our missed weeks together, but my body had other ideas. The sleep deprivation I’d experienced the last three weeks hit me hard, and I was asleep in seconds.
Chapter 9
The next morning, I awoke to the smell of Kill all around me. I buried my nose in his pillow and inhaled deeply. It was difficult applying my makeup around the smile on my face. I wasn't sure where Kill and I were at the moment, but it was better than where we had been.
Kill was sitting in his customary spot on the couch, and I didn’t hesitate to take the coffee mug he offered me.
“Morning. Are you hungry?” he asked, getting up to warm a peanut-butter muffin in the microwave.
I’d just munched on a handful of Tums, so I hoped my stomach was coated enough to handle a muffin. Even if it wasn’t, there was no way I was going to decline, given the look on Kill's face.
“Thank you,” I said, taking the muffin and sitting next to him.
He snatched a piece and stuffed it into his mouth. I wished I didn’t have to go to school. I would’ve been content sitting next to Kill the rest of the day, picking at the food he set between us.
“Do you want to go for a run when you get back from class?” Kill asked, breaking a big chunk off the top.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I answered wanting to say so much more, but unsure where to start.
The past three weeks had been emotionally exhausting, and even though I’d survived, it had taken a toll on my mind and body. I was still on the fence about whether my soul would make a full recovery.
“What time will you be home?” he asked, pushing the rest of the muffin in front of me.
“I should be home in four hours. I need to get going so I can find a parking spot.”
“See you later, Slick. Don’t worry about dinner; we'll take care of it tonight, and I'll try to get D to let you out of practice later.”
“I don’t mind practicing. I'm able to forget everything else while I'm singing.” I didn’t go into detail as to what I was trying to forget. Pain flitted across his face, letting me know he understood where I was coming from.
“See you later, Killer.” I hefted my bag over my shoulder and walked out to my car. Kill didn't let me get far before falling into step with me.
I scanned my windshield and was relieved when I saw it was paper free. When we’d reached my car, Kill held me close. I melded into him, soaking up his heat. It felt like I was thawing out from the weeks of being frozen out of his life.
“I know we need to talk. I promise we will later, but I need you to know how much I missed you.”
I nodded in agreement at everything he said, blinking my eyes rapidly to quell the tears. We reluctantly broke away from each other. Kill kissed my forehead before opening my door. Our eyes locked, the glass the only thing separating us before he hit the top of my car three times, and I drove away.
Excitement rose up when I found a parking spot close to campus, and started my trek to my first class. I loved school. I belonged in a classroom setting. Fear edged around me when I thought of how close I was to the end of my college career.
School had been such a huge part of my life for so long and finding out who I was without it scared me. I shook my head, breaking my thoughts' paralyzing hold on me. Forcing myself to take one step, and then another, until I made it to my class, I reminded myself I was a survivor. And I would continue to be one.
My first class went by at a snail’s pace. The professor droned on, going through the syllabus and what was expected. My classes were very specific to my major since I was so close to finishing, and I looked forward to the classwork but dreaded the first couple days getting into the swing of things.
My next class consisted mostly of biology lab work. Once again, the professor monotonously drilled through the syllabus, and my head kept slipping off my hand every time I nodded off. I only had three classes this semester and one next semester before I could graduate. I could’ve taken another class and finished at the end of this semester, but the class I wanted to take was only available during the spring semester.
Two of my classes were on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the other on Tuesday and Thursday. I hated I would have to come every day, but it fit my work schedule, and I couldn’t be picky if I wanted to graduate.
On my way back to my car, I felt a renewed sense of happiness. I was almost free of Jason’s influence, and I had my new family surrounding me.
I pulled out my phone and saw a text message waiting for me from Kill:
Have a good day.
I can't wait to hear
how it went.
I was so engrossed in reading my text, I almost missed the ominous paper waiting for me on my windshield. My stomach knotted, and before I reached for it I dove into my bag for a handful of Tums.
I searched the parking lot to see if he still lurked about. There were so many people shuffling around, that had he been there, he could’ve found multiple ways to blend in. I took a deep breath and opened the note wanting to get it over with.
It was a picture of Kill leaning on Gemma. If it hadn’t been for the annoyed look on her face, they would have appeared intimate. The red lettering stated:
He's done with you.
You'll be mine soon.
My hands shook, figuring Jason wasn’t going to stay on the sidelines much longer. And why should he? The restraining order was no longer a concern. When someone touched my shoulder, I screamed, my defenses to all the times Jason would come up behind me to hurt me surfacing.
“Hey, Faith. What's up? I was calling your name, but you didn’t hear me.” Trent stood there with weary eyes behind his black-rimmed glasses. I tried to hide the paper, but he was quick and pulled it out of my hand.
“What is this?” he asked, waving the picture in my face. I turned my head, not wanting to see it again.
“It’s nothing,” I replied, snatching it back and shoving it in my bag.
“I don't understand. Is Kill cheating on you? Is one of his girlfriends threatening you? Is it Jason?” He stared at my bag where I stuffed it.
“It’s nothing. Kill and I were never together. I just broke up with Jason, and I'm not looking for anything serious. Jason's just trying to scare me,” I said, wanting to drop the subject.
“It's something, alright. Have you told Kill about these?”
I looked up at him sharply. “No, I haven’t told him about these. This is my business to deal with, and you’d better not say anything.”
He threw his hands up in surrender. “I was just trying to help. I won’t say anything to anyone, but will you at least talk to me about it?” he pleaded. “I hate the way our friendship ended... I miss you.”
He moved as if to touch my face, but dropped his hand when I shied away from him.
“I miss you too, but I don’t think we can go back to the way we were. It's uncomfortable.” I shrugged and leaned against my car. My phone vibrated in my bag, but I didn’t move to answer it.
“I know it's awkward, and that’s all my fault. But you are my friend, and it seems like I'm the only one who knows about these notes. So, let’s take it one day at a time. What do you say?”
I had to admit I felt some relief at having someone else who knew about the almost-daily threatening letters. Remembering how I’d judged Kill too harshly, I thought maybe giving Trent another chance would be the right move.
“Alright, one day at a time,” I agreed, and he smiled happily.
“Would you like to go get a cup of coffee?”
“Sorry, I promised Kill I would run with him.”
His face turned to stone, and I instantly regretted agreeing to try and be friends again, but his stony expression vanished as quickly as it had appeared.
“You're still hanging out with him, even though he's doing that?” He motioned to my bag.
“It's not what it looks like. We were never together. He can do whatever he wants,” I lied.
“I’m sorry; it isn’t my business. I just don’t want you to get hurt. So coffee later this week, maybe?”
I nodded my head. “Yeah, I'll text you my schedule, and we'll see when we can get together. I really need to get going; see you later, Trent.”
I waved as I backed away, and he waved back enthusiastically. When I got home, Kill was waiting for me on the couch, talking to Van.
"How was your first day, sis?" Van asked.
"Same ol' thing. What did you guys do today?"
"You know, killed some things, saved the world. The usual," he answered motioning toward his controller.
“My heroes." I laughed. "Let me go change, and we can go for that run,” I said as I sprinted upstairs.
The first thing I did was stash my newest letter in the box inside my closet. I changed quickly and walked downstairs to see Kill still sitting on the couch, waiting for me alone.
“Where’s Van?” I asked.
“Jessie's. You ready to go? I called you, but you didn’t answer. I thought you would be home sooner.”
I vaguely remembered my phone ringing while I had been talking to Trent. Not wanting to explain my run-in with him, I lied. "The parking was awful. I had to park pretty far away. I didn't hear my phone ring." Guilt gnawed at me when he nodded his head, believing me.
“Let’s go.”
I followed him out to the yard to stretch. We started off at a light jog, and I kept waiting for him to smack me on the ass to speed up the pace, but it never came.
“I missed you,” he said, still keeping our stride light. His face was screwed up with tension.