by Joy Eileen
One lone picture taken at her graduation with Ray and his wife, Jean, decorated the nightstand in her room. Her bed was neatly made, the red comforter pulled up and tucked neatly under the matching pillows, giving nothing away about my mysterious bartender friend.
Ryan opened the door to the guestroom. It had a queen-sized bed with a neon-colored quilt on top of it. There was a dresser and a nightstand supporting a lamp. In the closet were a couple of sealed boxes. They didn’t take up a lot of room, and they were the only clutter I’d seen in the house.
"Just move the boxes over if you need more space."
“Thanks, Ryan, but I don’t think I'll be unpacking. As soon as graduation is over, I'm going back to live with my dad and Martha.”
“I figured as much. I just wanted to let you know it’s available as long as you need it. Have you talked to your dad yet?”
“Not yet. That was going to be my next step. I'm sure he won’t mind if I stay with them for a while until I can figure out where I want to be next.” I flopped down on the bed, putting my elbows on my knees and hanging my head in my hands, feeling defeated.
“Don’t worry about it; you're welcome for as long as you want to stay. I need to get back to work. Are you going to be okay?” The stern look she gave me told me she wasn’t going to let me wallow in self-pity over the decision I’d made.
“I will be. I just need to make some phone calls and get through the rest of this week.”
She nodded in approval of my attitude. “Okay, get to it, and when you're done with your phone calls, take a nap. You look like shit. See you tonight, chickie.”
When the front door closed, I stared at the blank wall for a couple of minutes, forcing my mind to go mute along with my emotions. After wallowing in pity for way too long, I shook myself free of it and went outside to unload my car.
Once I’d moved everything inside, I crawled under the blankets. I begged my body to drift into a dreamless sleep, wanting to be snatched away from my inner turmoil, but it refused my request.
Reluctantly, I turned on my phone and erased all the missed calls, voicemails, and text messages from Kill, not at all emotionally prepared to hear from him. He needed to realize his happiness was more important to me than my selfish desires.
I pressed the speed dial for my dad's number, wanting to get this part over with. Martha answered, and I was unsure whether I should be relieved or not, but I forged forward anyway.
“Hey, sweetie. What are you doing? Are you excited your man's coming home tomorrow?”
My heart lurched in my chest, but I blocked out the pain, refusing to let it flood through my system like poison. “Actually, that's why I called you. I need your help.”
Martha sighed on the other end of the line. My voice sounded miserable, and I was positive she had picked up on it.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I'll tell you, but I’ll need your help telling my dad. I don't want to cast Kill in a bad light, either,” I rambled. I couldn't handle my dad thinking any less of Kill. It wouldn't be fair to cause my dad to lose the respect Kill had fought so hard to earn.
“I'll help you with your dad. Tell me what happened."
I launched into the story of what had happened that morning. It was hard to believe it had all occurred only hours ago. My body felt like it had been dealing with the aftermath for weeks. I gave her the edited version, just like I’d done with Jessie and Ryan. But the summary was the truth, and every word ripped me to shreds.
“Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I'm not going to tell you what to do, because you obviously feel it was the right path for you. I love you like a daughter, and as long as you can live with your choice, I'll be there for you. And if you change your mind, I'll be there to conspire with you.”
I was shocked when a laugh bubbled from my lips. My heart expanded at her words, realizing she really was family. “I love you too, Martha. You're the closest thing I’ve ever had to a mom, and I need your support more than you know. I also wanted to ask if it would be okay if I moved in for a while after graduation?”
“Of course, sweetie. You don’t have to ask, and don’t worry about your dad. I'll take care of it. Do you want us to get you a plane ticket, or do you want to drive home?”
“I want to drive. That way I don’t have to make a trip back later for my car. Thank you so much, Martha.”
“Hush. You just stay sane until we get there in a couple of days. When you get home, we'll get you all patched up.”
I stroked the tattoo'd mended heart on my wrist. Staring down as I felt the puckered skin where my scar was now covered. Seeing the repaired heart gave me the confidence boost I needed. I had survived before; I would do it again.
“Thanks, Martha. I'll talk to you later, and will see you soon. I love you.”
“Love you too, sweetie.”
I hung up, feeling a tiny bit better about my situation. I put my phone on my stomach and closed my eyes, falling asleep immediately. Later, my phone buzzed on my stomach where I’d placed it.
Trent’s number flash across the screen, and my heart cracked open even further. It wasn't right to be upset it wasn't Kill calling. I’d pushed him away.
“Faith, are you alright?” Trent asked when I answered.
I didn't understand the worry in his voice, and I wondered briefly if he’d somehow found out about Kill and I. “Yeah, why?” I asked. I was trying to go for nonchalant until I could figure out exactly what he knew.
“I went to see you at work tonight, since it’s the last night before he comes back.”
My stomach burned with anger at the way he’d said he, but I ignored it.
“When I didn’t see you, I asked Jessie where you were. She told me you were probably screwing up someone else’s relationship, whatever that means. Anyway, I drove by your house and didn’t see your car. I was worried about you.”
The urge to call Jessie and scream at her for being so immature was overwhelming. She would never see reason though, so there would be no point in calling her on it.
“I’m fine,” I said. I crossed my fingers, hoping I could avoid any type of explanation. Shame surged through me when I realized I was planning on moving away without telling him. “Listen, Trent. I broke it off with Kill this morning and put in my resignation at Ray’s. I'll be graduating at the end of this week, anyway, so there really was no reason to stay.”
“I knew that asshole was going to hurt you. Where are you? I’ll come get you.” The glee in his voice was not lost on me.
“No, I'm safe, and it wasn’t Kill’s fault. I'm the one who hurt him. I'm staying at a friend’s house until graduation, and then I'm moving back in with my dad and Martha.”
“It's for the best, Faith. You deserve so much better, and I'll be here for you when you're ready. I think you and I would make a... Wait; what do you mean you're moving?”
His refusal to listen to me was infuriating. I’d told him on numerous occasions we would never be anything but friends, but his inability to accept my stance was borderline ridiculous.
“Kill had an opportunity to follow his dreams. He was holding back to be with me, because he loves me. I couldn’t let him give everything up for me, so I pushed him away the only way I knew how. So, don’t act like he was anything but perfect for me. I'm the horrible person, even if it was for his own good. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with you, even if you were the last person on earth.”
I jammed my finger on the end button angrily. It disgusted me how stupid I’d been to give him so many chances. It was like Jason all over again, just with less physical interactions. I hopped out of bed, too upset to fall back asleep.
In the kitchen, I perused the contents of Ryan’s refrigerator, checking to see if there was something I could make for dinner. Ryan’s kitchen was bare just like the rest of her house.
I sent her a quick text, telling her I was going grocery shopping, since I’d be crashing there for the next three days. I went into the bathroom
and brushed my teeth and hair, throwing it up in a ponytail. I didn’t bother changing my clothes, not caring if I saw anyone I knew.
Back at Ryan's, with enough groceries to last longer than I was staying, I busied myself in the kitchen, making chicken and dumplings. When dinner was done, I realized I didn’t have the appetite to eat it. I packed it away in one of the perfectly-stacked Tupperware dishes from Ryan’s organized cabinet and went to take a bath.
I plugged my ear buds in and turned the music up loud enough to drown out any stray thoughts. While soaking in the hot water, I begged my body to relax and ended up falling asleep. Ryan banged on the bathroom door, jolting me awake.
I jumped, sloshing water over the side as I pulled out my ear buds. The cold water swirled down the drain, taking my relaxing moment with it. In my temporary room, I pulled on my sweatpants and my trusty hoodie before meeting Ryan in the kitchen.
She was warming up a bowl of chicken and dumplings and popping open a Diet Pepsi. My stomach rumbled at the smell of food. My appetite newly awakened, I scooped out a bowl for myself, claiming the microwave when Ryan was done with it. I snatched a Diet Pepsi out of the fridge while I waited for my food to heat.
Ryan stared at the blank TV, barely touching her food.
"What's up?" I asked, worried something had happened at the bar tonight.
Ryan's head snapped toward me, as if she’d forgotten I was sitting next to her. She ground her molars before hissing out a long breath. "Did you know Matt has been back since October?" she screeched, staring down at her food.
"What?"
"Bambi let it slip that he’d been back for months. I guess he told her he didn't want anyone, especially me, to know." Her lips pressed together in a hard line, turning them white.
"Ryan, you know Bambi likes to talk out of her ass. She probably said it just to piss you off," I told her, relaxing a little.
"No. Her reaction when she realized what she’d said was real. She let it slip, and after Denise prodded her, she finally explained he didn't want me to know. She left early tonight, instead of staying to rub it in. He really didn't want me to know he was back," she finished, her eyes filled with hurt.
"Did you call him?" Matt had seemed so genuine. His connection to Ryan couldn't have been pretend.
"His phone is shut off. You know what? Fuck him. I just hate myself for believing his fake ass."
"There has to be more to the story." I hedged, unable to wrap my head around the fact Matt had behaved so heartlessly. Truthfully, it was Bambi's reaction that had me doubting Matt's intentions for keeping his return a secret.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Ryan asked, blatantly telling me she wanted to change the subject.
“Sounds good,” I answered, taking a bite just to have something to do.
"Okay, but we aren't watching some sappy girly shit. Remember, I don't do sleepovers."
"I don't think I could handle sappy right now either. Bring on the gore."
Ryan rummaged through her DVD collection and finally chose one. When Final Destination flashed across the screen, I knew I had nothing to worry about on the sappiness scale.
Ryan went to bed after the first movie ended, her shoulders slumped with sadness. I ended up watching the entire collection, my mind craving the distraction. When I was done watching all of the movies I crawled into bed, pleading for sleep. But sleep was being an asshole, and wouldn't come visit me.
I opened my Kindle and ended up reading an entire book before falling into a fitful sleep. My dreams featured Jason and Trent, each holding me back by an arm, while Kill ran toward me. With every step he took, I was thrown back two. He wouldn't stop coming for me, and I ended up moving further and further away. In the end, I couldn’t even see him anymore, but I could hear his frustrated cries as they faded into the blackness. I woke up sucking in air and feeling like my heart weighed a ton.
The clock on my phone mocked me, showing me I’d only been asleep for a couple of hours. I punched my pillow and threw myself back down on the bed, trying to fall back asleep.
Realizing it was useless, I went for a run. I pushed my body in a punishing speed as I tried to escape my demons. When I made the loop around back to Ryan’s house, my legs felt rubbery, and I was covered in sweat. Ryan was in the living room, eating a bowl of cereal and watching some gory movie. “Hey, sexy. What time did you go to bed?”
"I watched your creepily-extensive collection of Final Destination movies and took a two-hour nap. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go for a run."
Ryan opened her mouth, worry flooding her face. Instead of listening to her concerns, I cut her off. "I'm going to take a shower. I can't believe you can watch that while eating."
I didn't wait for her to respond to my insult. Grabbing what I needed, I got into the shower. After, Ryan and I watched TV, until she had to go to work. Before she left, she looked at me with uncertainty.
"Do you want to come hang out at the bar? You can keep me company, and make sure Bambi lives another day."
"No, thanks. I'm not ready to see Jessie yet. Please, don't murder Bambi. Pick on Dax instead. I need a place to stay for a couple more days, and I don't have enough money to bail you out if you cause her physical harm."
"Haha. I promise not to kill her until after you graduate. You're probably right, though. Jessie was really rude to the customers yesterday, and Ray threatened to send her home. It would be a bad idea to mix you two together." Ryan ran over and kissed me on the cheek.
"See you later."
"Have a good night and remember, no murdering."
Ryan laughed as she walked out of the house. I wanted to ask how she was feeling about Matt, but she seemed unwilling to talk about it, so I let her be.
CHAPTER 29
When I couldn't find anything interesting on TV, I ended up knocking another book off my TBR. My phone rang as I started on chapter two.
“Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?” Martha asked.
“I’m good. I can’t wait until I graduate. I'm ready to get out of here,” I admitted.
“Well I have some good news for you.” The happiness in her voice sounded off, so I could tell it wasn't genuine.
“I have a friend who works at the hospital, and I was telling her about your biology degree. She told me they just lost someone in the lab, and they were looking for someone to replace them. When I mentioned you were close to graduating, she told me to ask you to call her when you get into town. I think I got you a job.”
“That's awesome, Martha. Thank you so much.”
“I told your dad you’d be coming to stay with us after you graduate.” She lowered her voice. “I told him you and Kill split ways. I explained it was mutual, and he didn’t do anything wrong or hurt you. So, no worries, he won’t be hunting Kill down when we get to Portland tomorrow.”
I mustered up a fake laugh, appreciating her effort at trying to cheer me up. “Thank you. I owe you.”
"Hush now; I just want you to be happy. Don’t worry; I told him he wasn’t allowed to grill you.”
This time my laugh was real. “You're awesome.”
“I know I am. I need to warn you that Kill called here the other night."
My stomach dropped, and I pushed my fingers into my eyes. "What did he want?"
"He wanted to know if I’d talked to you. I told him you were safe, and you would talk to him when you were ready."
"I don't know how to thank you." My throat was tight, and it physically hurt to talk.
"You don't need to thank me. He sounded miserable, though. When you're ready, you two need to talk, even if it's just for closure. Okay, no more lectures. I'll see you tomorrow sweetie. "
I shut down my Kindle and stared at my tattoo. I wasn't ready to think about Kill, so I let my mind wander over the job I now had lined up.
When I’d started school, biology had been the reasonable choice to pursue. I loved it and was fascinated with the subject. English had been mine simply to enjoy. At the time
, I’d never thought I would do anything with my English degree and had been perfectly fine with that decision.
Everything changed when I’d written my story. When I’d immersed myself in the plot it had become undeniable where my true passion lay. I wanted to become an author or work with authors in some way, and the thought of not pursuing that dream had broken me.
Just thinking of disregarding my newfound passion sent me plummeting toward depression. Refusing to go down a dark path, I compromised with myself. I would take the job at the lab while researching a way to break into the publishing world. Then I could relocate wherever I needed to go in order to make my dream come true, as long as it wasn't back to Portland.
With a plan in place, I felt better. My thoughts of Kill were still quarantined, leaving me emotionally stable for the moment. My phone rang again, pulling me out of my planning.
“What did you forget?” I asked after seeing Ryan’s name. I assumed she needed me to bring her something. As much as I hated the thought of going to Ray’s, I would do it for her.
“Hey, Faith,” Ryan whispered.
“I can’t hear you. What’s up?”
“I'm outside. I don’t want to talk too loud, because I don’t want him to overhear me.”
My heart shot right into light speed. I wanted to deny who she was talking about, but I knew in my heart Kill was back in Portland. “Who?”
“They didn’t take the deal. They refused to sign, and they're all here at their table.”
I calculated how long it would take me to pack everything in my car, disregarding graduation completely.
“So, it was all for nothing. Why wouldn't they stay there and sign with someone else? They're good enough anyone would be lucky to have them,” I whispered. Red-hot anger poured through me. How dare he turn down his dream for me. Fear he would resent me sooner rather than later had me clutching my stomach.
“When they walked in, Jessie marched into Ray’s office and quit. She said something about needing to get her head clear. She ran out before Van could catch a glimpse of her. Kill asked me if I’d heard from you, but I told him I haven’t talked to you since you quit yesterday. I didn’t know if their not taking the deal would change your mind about lying to him about Jason or not. Honestly, I think he knows you were lying.”