I remember exactly what Elijah smelled like. We were never that close, but often enough I would have to use his body wash and lotion when I was there. I missed smelling like a girl, because I always ended up smelling like a mixture of Old Spice body and Coolwater, an odd combination. I miss that smell, his scent.
This particular day stands out more than others. We were sitting on his bed relaxing. I was reading some sort of magazine, probably Spin or something like that, and he was playing Grand Theft Auto. From the moment I went over there, I was having an internal struggle. I wasn’t sure whether I should or shouldn’t tell him about his meeting with Jon that night. Actually, I was surprised he didn’t ask me about it first, considering how excited about it he was.
Once I’d made the decision to tell him about it, his excitement level shot up within seconds, and his smile lit up the room. Immediately he started dancing around in his way. I loved how he danced, even though he acted as if he was in a hip-hop video, with his headphones on, bouncing back and forth. It made me laugh. I never saw him so excited or happy about anything. I guess he knew what he wanted to do, even though it wasn’t the right thing. I remember worrying that he was too naïve to be in the street world, but he felt he could handle it. And for a moment there, I allowed myself to be convinced that everything might be alright.
Before we left his house he changed his clothes at least ten times. I repeatedly told him that Big Jon wasn’t going to care what he looked like, but he insisted I was wrong. He wanted to look the part, matching his entire outfit from head to toe.
I feel it creeping in slowly as the effect wears off, the feeling of internal chaos. My eyelids twitch, but I cannot open my eyes. My body squirms as I try my hardest to ignore the visions that flash through my mind. I can’t wake myself up, I feel tranquilised, paralysed.
First, a flashback of our meeting with Jon surfaces – the beginning of what changed my and Elijah’s lives forever. The beginning of addiction, of pain and death. I could have changed it. I could’ve talked Elijah out of it. Instead I went along. I killed him. He didn’t know how rough the streets were. He thought it was business. Sure, it was business – but if you handle your business wrong, you could end up dead. Yes, and that’s what happened. I killed him.
I’m unaware of the tears that are falling from my eyes. My memory takes me back to that night when we entered the dark and secluded warehouse…
We walked in silence on our way to meet Big Jon. I suppose we both had thoughts racing through our minds; I know I did – worry over not knowing how the night was going to work out. Elijah didn’t seem nervous at all. If anything, he was still buzzing.
Elijah walked the entire way with a forced strut, music blaring through his headphones. I glanced over at him a few times, but he never noticed me. He was hypnotised by the lyrics of the songs, as he often was, and by what was about to happen. I could hear him practising lines, what he was going to say to Jon when he met him. It was like he thought he could conquer the world.
As Elijah and I reached the door in the rear, I was startled when a tall, overweight, rough-looking kid dressed in black swung open the door. The warehouse was larger than I’d expected it to be. It was huge, actually. Two of Jon’s luxury cars were parked near the front of the building, next to the garage door.
The place was jumping with people, adolescents mostly. A handful of kids were sitting at long rectangular tables, wrapping up goods. There weren’t any light drugs going on in that place, like marijuana – it was all cocaine-based, or meth.
A few moments passed before I heard Jon’s deep, intimidating voice.
“Hey trick, let’s see whatcha got here,” he yelled across the room.
I looked around for Jon, not noticing him right away. He was standing along one of the walls with another big guy who could’ve passed for his brother.
All of a sudden, I felt like everyone in the room was watching us. It was a weird feeling, walking towards Jon, having the gaze from the others practically burning my skin. I guess it was only me that felt that way, though, because Elijah walked across that room with his head to the sky, like he was the next best thing.
“Hey Big Jon, I’m Jah,” Elijah said, reaching his hand out to offer Jon a friendly shake.
Jon didn’t speak for a minute, just looked Elijah up and down, from head to toe.
“First of all, you can call me Mr Big,” he announced. “Second, don’t even try to shake my hand, boy! I don’t know you like that!”
“My bad, Mr Big,” Elijah replied, putting his hands to his side.
The meeting lasted about an hour. Jon spoke with Elijah alone for a while and decided to give him a chance. Elijah could start the very next day. He was shown the ropes of the place, but guidelines were kept to a minimum. Jon basically told Elijah that he better never do him wrong. That is what he told all the boys who worked for him and with the reputation he had, no one in their right mind would even think of screwing him over.
I think at first he viewed Elijah as lame, not thinking that he had it in him, but then again if he did, it would only mean more money for Jon, and money is Jon’s middle name.
My body squirms once more, as I’m trying to wake myself from my dream. I see Jon’s face, his eyes meet mine. He is so close that I can hear his breathing. He is angry. I try to walk away, but can’t.
This isn’t real, but his words feel like a knife penetrating my skin. “I told you, trick – no mistakes! And you didn’t listen to me. Those were the consequences.”
My head jerks, sweat is dripping off my body. I try to ignore his comments.
“Your boy got what he deserved. You better watch your back,” he laughed.
My head jerks again, this time spiraling me away from my dream, away from Jon. As I wake up I am confused, but quickly realise that Jon is nowhere to be found. Why did I dream that? I’m scared that he is going to find me and his stolen bag of drugs that I have in my hands.
I wasn’t going to do it, but I need another fix. I need to calm down before going into work, and I only have an hour.
I can’t stay away from this calm feeling, even though it’s brief. My dreams seem to be much more vivid than usual, and I don’t understand why. Oh well, right now I can’t worry about that.
I take in more, hoping it will take me away…
CHAPTER 8
I can’t help but love the feeling meth brings to me. I was unsure of even trying it the first time and I don’t like to admit it, but I’ve become increasingly dependent on the substance to carry me through each day.
I didn’t see Elijah for a while, for at least three weeks after he began working with Jon. I felt lonely, and it was almost excruciating. In a way I’d probably got used to relying on Elijah and his company, so when the days passed by without me seeing him, I didn’t know what to do.
The day I first experimented with meth was around the first time I saw Elijah since our initial talk with Jon. I had managed to speak with him over the phone occasionally, but that didn’t compare to how close we used to be. Anyway, it wasn’t too often that I had spare change to pay for a pay phone.
It was freezing outside, which didn’t help the unsettling feeling I had either. For those three weeks I went directly to the bridge by Flannigan’s after work, and stayed there for most of the day. It was too cold to move, so I stayed under my blanket. Even so, the cold managed to sneak through the fabric, making my body feel tense and rigid.
I stole an old rusted barrel from the pub, which I used to keep me warm. I gathered trash from their dumpster – as gross as that sounds – and used it to light a fire. I would light my cigarette, and when I finished, I’d flick it into the tiny barrel that sat only a few feet from me. At first I was paranoid that a spark would fly out and catch me alight as I rested. But I got used to it.
I was excited to be seeing Elijah again and to hear his stories about how things were going with Jon, even though I still didn’t agree with him working that way. I was bored too, and figured
his company would take me out of the depressed state of mind I was in.
At that point work was very scarce, which left me very short when it came to money. I tried to stretch it out as much as I could, only eating once a day and maybe showering twice a week. That sounds gross, I know – but I needed to eat more than I needed to shower. I just got used to smelling like stale smoke and the old, overpowering smell of body spray.
As I tossed my finished cigarette into the trash-filled barrel, there was a whooshing sound as the garbage caught on fire. In the midst of the crackling flame, I heard footsteps crunching across the gravel.
His strut and confident grin was something I had missed, and until that day I hadn’t realised how much. His Bose headphones were still attached to his ears, and his hands were in the air, motioning to the beat of the music. I remember laughing silently, thinking that some things will never change. His appearance had certainly changed though. He looked better than ever.
“My girl!” he shouted, once he noticed me sitting there watching him.
It was then that I felt myself looking at him in a way I shouldn’t have, and I was positive my smile would reveal what I was feeling.
“Damn, Jah! Where have ya been?” I joked. “Really, I thought you disappeared off the face of the earth.”
With his arms wrapped around me, I felt it. I felt everything. His absence somehow made my feelings for him grow into something more than just friends. I didn’t want to let go of him, ever. But I had to.
“You know how it is, all work and no play,” he said, while ending our embrace. He backed away from me a little, and in his suave way, brushed his hands against his shirt. “Notice anything different?”
For a moment all I could do was look at him. He looked good, really good. His new, white hooded sweatshirt made his long, gold necklace and diamond stud stand out.
“New clothes I take it?”
“Yep. And this,” he said, pointing to his ear.
“I noticed. Is that real?”
“You are asking me if it’s real?” he laughed, “Come on Van, you know me better than that. Of course it’s real. I worked my ass off for it, but it’s worth it. All nice things come with a price.”
“That’s for sure,” I responded. “It’s so good to see you.”
For a few minutes all seemed normal once again. His company was the best. He could always make me laugh, no matter how horrible a day I’d had.
As we sat next to each other, huddled underneath the blanket, I felt his hand slide into mine. I tried my hardest not to act surprised, but I was surprised. And I liked his hand there.
Anyhow, we talked about a lot, about how things were going with me, and how Elijah’s new-found work was going. He told me that he’d worked almost every day for those last three weeks, including daytime hours. I was a little upset because he’d skipped school for an entire week. He tried his best to assure me that it was okay, and he wouldn’t fail. I tried to believe him, even though I knew that school was not his priority. In his mind he thought that because he was making good money, why should he worry about school? I really wanted him to finish, but it wasn’t my choice.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” he said abruptly, reaching into his pocket. “I have something for you.”
He pulled out a wad of cash from his pocket, and went through it for a moment, counting out hundreds. He ended up giving me a couple of hundred, which I tried to hand back to him.
“Elijah, I can’t take that from you.”
“Oh come on, why not? I know you need it. And besides, there’s more where that came from,” he laughed.
“I don’t know. I don’t think it would be right of me, ya know?”
“It’s no biggie,” he said, shoving the wad of cash back into his pocket. “Go get yourself some new clothes or somethin’, or umm – take a shower?”
“Ha ha, very funny,” I said, accepting the money. “I feel bad, though.”
“No problem, really. Don’t go thinkin’ I’m gonna be doing that all the time though,” he smiled.
I couldn’t believe he gave me that much money. Don’t get me wrong – I appreciated it, I was just surprised. I didn’t want him to think that because he was making good money, he had to support me.
It was then that it started.
“One other thing,” he said. “We need to celebrate.”
“Celebrate what?”
“Me, of course.”
“You?”
“Yeah. Celebrate how well I am doing – thanks to my girl,” he smirks.
“Whatcha wanna do? We should have lunch. You know I’m all about the grub!” I laughed.
“I brought something,” he started. “Before I show you, though, just know that it will be okay. I’ve had a few personal treats, and it was never noticed. A little bit won’t hurt.”
“What are you talking about?”
Elijah reached into the pocket on his sweatshirt and pulled it out, a small zip-lock bag filled with white powder.
“This,” he said, holding the bag for me to see.
“I don’t know about that, Jah. What is it? Coke?”
“Nah, nah – it’s meth. It’s all good though, Van. One time isn’t gonna getcha hooked, and it’s an awesome feeling.”
“You tried it?”
“Yeah. I was bored one night while I was out working near 26th Street.”
“If Jon knew that, he would be pissed! You better be careful with that, ya know?”
“He’s not gonna find out, it’s only a little. And besides, that dude loves me.”
“Not enough to let you take money from him,” I joked.
“It’ll be okay.”
“I guess.”
The tiny bag was packed tight and filled to the brim with powder. I was nervous. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I didn’t think one time would hurt.
I watched him intently as he placed the bag between his legs. His eyes were fixed, trying to keep the bag level. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny mirror.
“Hold that for a sec,” he said.
Silently I sat there and watched what he was doing. I had to hold back, fighting the giggles about to escape my lips, as he reached his hand inside the bag and picked up a little of the powder. I remembered watching some things on television about cocaine, so I thought he was going to do something elaborate or sophisticated – instead he used his hand. He put a pinch of powder on top of the mirror, separating it with a small rusted razor blade, and then lined it up.
To me, it didn’t look like a lot, so I trusted his judgment that it would be okay. I couldn’t imagine Jon noticing that it was gone, or anyone else for that matter.
“Ready?” Elijah began.
“I guess so. How do you do it?”
“It’s simple. Watch.”
He pulled out a dollar bill, rolled it tightly, as if it were a straw, and held it over the powder-covered mirror. He glanced over at me and smiled before deeply inhaling the powder through his nose. Quickly, the line was gone.
“Damn! All of it? Isn’t that too much?” I asked.
“Nah, that’s a normal amount.”
Elijah reached into his bag and grabbed a little more of the powder, placing it on top of the mirror. He lined it up quickly and handed me the rolled bill.
“Use it like you would a straw.”
I sat there and looked at the powder. It was all new to me then, so the thought of snorting that stuff up my nose made me nervous. But instead of asking any more questions, I leaned down and took all of it in.
My nose immediately itched in an unfamiliar and peculiar way. My body still felt normal, but then again I wasn’t exactly sure of what I was supposed to be feeling.
“How long does it take to hit?”
“Just lay back and relax. It will only take a few minutes.”
After that, Elijah and I laid next to each other, silently. He lit a cigarette, then once again placed his hand in mine. My mind started to drift, and a smile
came upon my face as my body began to relax.
That was the first time I’d felt completely and thoroughly happy. I remember, even at that moment, wanting to feel like that every day. That was the beginning of my journey with meth.
I come awake in the alley, not panicked, but disoriented. My head is pounding, but at least my shakiness has subsided. I don’t remember feeling as upset as I was earlier for a long time. It’s like my own memories are stalking me.
It’s pitch black outside and I’m late for work. It’s the last thing I want to do right now; I’d rather sit here and sleep, but I’m broke. I need cash for food tomorrow, and maybe I can get my hands on some meth. I’m sure it won’t be that hard to find someone who can give me a bag, even if it’s only twenty dollars worth. I need it.
My mind is starting to drive me insane.
CHAPTER 9
It’s 4:20 in the morning.
I just woke up. I am lying on a cruddy motel room floor. My vision is foggy and I have the worst headache, more painful than any headache I have ever experienced. I’m a little disoriented and feel like I have been asleep for days, but judging by the alarm clock on the nightstand it has only been about an hour.
My night started off okay, I guess. I had a nose bleed that lasted for about two hours, so until it stopped I walked up and down Benz Street with a tissue plugged in my nose. Needless to say, the nose bleed made it difficult for any man to find me appealing. But when it dried and I managed to wipe the blood off my face, the men rolled in, one after another.
I was picked up by a few different men, one of them being a regular. The first two weren’t so bad. Like I said before, what I do disgusts me, but they were pretty well mannered and didn’t treat me like a piece of garbage.
The second pick up was a quick job. We stayed in his car the entire time. He didn’t talk much, either – just drove around while I did what he asked. Gross.
My third and last client of the night was the asshole who left me in the state I’m in now, in this mess of a motel room. It was maybe two hours ago when this nasty man picked me up. When he pulled up next to me I had a gut feeling that he was a weirdo, and I should’ve followed my instincts. But instead I thought about the money. It’s too late for that now.
A Forgotten Tomorrow Page 5