That part is true; I do love Judd. I wasn’t lying when I said it to him. The love I feel for him is genuine; a deeper love than I could have ever hoped for. It’s the kind of love that Dad told me about; the kind that takes your breath away. If only he had felt the same.
Kyle’s bitter voice snaps me back to reality, “Who did you meet and when? We’ve been together since the end of our junior year and you’re telling me that you are dumping me for someone you just met?”
Closing my eyes, I huff out an irritated breath, fully ticked off at his words and how he is talking to me.
“No! I broke up with you because you screwed someone behind my back and I had the honor of walking in on it!” I stand up mid sentence with my fists tightly glued to my hips.
He rises up and quickly places both hands on my cheeks.
“Alyssa, wait, I am sorry. I know I screwed up, but it will never happen again. Please give me another chance. We’ve been together too long to throw it away. I love you and you love me; I know you do,” he pleads while moving his face only a few inches from mine. “Please, babe.”
My head spins and my heartbeats in an unfamiliar rhythm as if it is lost without the adjoining chorus of Judd’s heartbeats beside it. All I want to do is cling to anyone for comfort, however, I know if I let Kyle put his arms around me, I will be wishing they are someone else’s.
“Please,” he whispers once more and then slowly touches his lips to mine.
As soon as the coolness of his body and the baby soft skin of his chin brushes against me, my heart drops into my stomach with how these are not the lips I want to be kissing.
His face flickers into my mind and I instantly push my hands to his chest to shove him away as the front door swings open.
Kyle drops his hands and moves back. Snapping my head up, I find Abby with her mouth gaped open and Mom and Dad not too far behind with equally disapproving looks on their faces.
Clearing his throat, Kyle nods his greetings, “Hey.”
“Kyle,” Dad says, although from the disappointed look on his face, I’d say it is clear that he knows all the details of my breakup. “Alyssa, sweetie, I would like for all of us to talk in the kitchen,” Dad addresses me in a stern tone.
I nod and look over at Kyle.
“Oh, yeah, I’ll just wait in your room so we can finish talking.” He flashes me a smile and turns to run up the stairs.
“Ahh, I don’t think . . .” I start to tell him he needs to leave, but Abby grabs my arm.
“Worry about him later. There are more important things going on,” she says with a worried look on her face.
My eyes immediately wander to Mom for some sign that everything is not as bad as I am starting to think; a smile, a wink, anything, but instead of reassurance I stare into her puffy blood shot eyes and I know the news is going to be bad.
We sit at the kitchen table for about an hour as Mom and Dad break the news that the cancer is back.
“The doctor told us that it appears that there may have been some small cells left behind and that maybe it wasn’t detectable until now. They want to move forward with chemo immediately.”
“Do they think it will get it all this time?” Abby asks.
“They seem very optimistic,” Mom replies, still not completely answering the question.
“But have they said what the odds are of them getting it this time. I mean, it doesn’t seem like they did a very good job last . . .” Abby looks like she is seconds away from collapsing and with each word my own anxiety level picks up.
“Honey, they are taking care of it. The doctor’s know what they are doing,” Dad assures us, remaining positive as usual.
Mom squeezes Dad’s hand as he speaks, looking at him as if she is holding back tears for his sake, as well as for ours.
“Is it small enough that they can remove it with surgery and then follow up with chemo? I mean do they know if it could spread before . . .” Abby throws out more questions while I remain quiet, listening to the chatter inside of my head, rather than their voices.
How is this happening again? Why?
Suddenly, I’m swept into a tornado of emotions I thought were left behind years ago.
Dad speaks up, bringing me back to the present, “We went over every option of treatment with the doctor. I think this is what’s best.” He smiles. “Girls, we’ve been here before and we will beat it again.”
We . . . I love that in the hardest moments of our family’s lives that my parents always count us as a team. That is how it should be. We will face this together.
My parents ended up laying it all out on the table, but what wasn’t clarified is if the chemo was expected to work. I know as well as anyone that when it comes to cancer and treatments that there are no guarantees. What bothers me is that every time we breached that topic, they would take a u-turn from our questions.
As soon as they start discussing arrangements for getting Dad to his treatments, I know I need to make a big decision.
“Dad, I can take you anytime I have to work and then Mom can pick you up. We’ll figure it out,” Abby offers up.
“Wait, count me in.” They all look at me, surprised.
“No, honey, you’ll be at Purdue. You can’t just . . .”
I cut Mom off, “There is no need to discuss it. My mind is made up. I’m staying here to help out. I can go to Rosemore this year and transfer later.”
I look Mom in the eye, letting her know that I will not bend on this. No way am I going several hundred miles away when my family needs me. School will always be there, but Dad; well I don’t even want to think about that!
After all the news is out in the open and we have discussed all sorts of changes that will need to be made due to the expenses of his more evasive treatments, I fly around the table and tackle Dad in a giant hug. He wraps one arm all the way around me, placing his chin on top of my head and his other hand on the back of my head.
“I’m sorry for the timing, Lyssi-bee,” his voice cracks.
Pulling my head away, I look him in the eyes wishing I could take this burden from him.
“Daddy, don’t worry about it. I can switch to Purdue my sophomore year when you are all healthy again,” I tell him in a confident voice, trying my best to put hope in his heart as well as my own.
Dad gives me one last squeeze before getting up to help Mom with dinner.
“Dinner in 20 minutes, girls, and how about some brownies or chocolate cake for dessert?” She winks at us and then turns her attention to Dad.
Abby drags her feet over to my side and lets out a loud sigh. She deliberately has her back to my parents and I can see the unspoken words in her eyes. She’s just as scared as me.
Pulling Abby in for a hug, she sniffles in my ear at the same time that another sound catches my attention, a muffled ringing coming from upstairs. That sounds like my ring tone. We break our hold and I look around, patting the back pocket of my shorts.
“What are you looking for?” Abby asks, wiping her fingers under her eyes to fix her eyeliner.
“My phone. I must have left it upstairs when I went up to shower earlier.”
Once I remember the company that is waiting in my room, my lips crinkle into a snarl. Over an hour down here and he still hasn’t left. Great! I really cannot take this. My body quivers with Dad’s news and my heart is on the verge of crumbling.
Abby gives me a weak smile, “You better go run him off. We’ll talk later.”
With that, I race up to my room, clutching my hand to my heart in an attempt to hold it together. My door is cracked open and Kyle is lying in my bed with my phone tightly held in his hand which is currently pumping out music that I hadn’t heard earlier.
“What are you doing with my phone? Did someone call?”
He jumps at the sound of my voice, clearly not expecting me.
“I was just seeing what kind of music you have on here. All the time we’ve been together and I never noticed you listened to all this sappy
stuff.”
He gives me a smirk that I’m sure he thinks is sexy and hits pause on the song that is playing. Crossing the room quickly, I snatch the phone out of his hand and bounce down on the bed beside him without thinking.
“Did it ring?” I ask again, pulling up all my recent calls, but there’s nothing.
“No, it didn’t ring. I was just listening to music waiting for you to come up. I almost fell asleep,” he says in between a yawn as he stretches his arms above his head.
His shirt rises up a bit and his abs peek out from under the fabric. I glance for only a second out of the corner of my eyes, but he notices. His face lights up in delight as if I just declared that I want him back.
Shifting sideways, he faces me and starts in again, “Alyssa, take me back. I know there is still something between us. I can tell by the way you look at me.”
I quickly try to extinguish his ego, “Kyle, that look you think you see is just me being thankful that you at least grabbed the correct pair of jeans this morning.”
The confidence in his face falls, but he doesn’t give up. His hand moves across my cheek and back into my hair, forcing me to close my eyes.
“I promise, it will never happen again, baby,” he whispers right before his lips cover my mouth in a hard wet kiss that seems empty and lifeless, but I let it happen.
Unable to pull away from the numbness that penetrates every inch of my soul, I sit still with my hands firmly pressed in my lap and clutching my phone. My lips and tongue remain motionless, not giving him an ounce of passion. His mouth continues on its path with slow, soft kisses as a tear slips down my cheek.
My mind is a cyclone of emotions from the last few weeks and my heart is a crumbled, broken wreck, sinking into nothingness. Just over two weeks ago, I was smiling from ear to ear in a cap and gown, eager to start the next chapter of my life and now that future is unrecognizable.
In these past few weeks, I have managed to be stepped on, used and now crushed. I have no fight left in me. I’ll save the fight for tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that when Dad needs me, but for now I will surrender to his comfort.
He breaks away from kissing me and pulls me forward into an embrace.
“I love you, Alyssa,” he whispers into my ear.
Yet, as those words are spoken, it’s not his voice I hear; it’s someone else’s. It’s someone whose arms I wish were holding me and someone whose lips would more than help to ease this gaping hole in my heart. But he’s not here when I need him to lean on, so I decide in this moment to let him go and all the sweet memories we shared.
SUMMER FLEW BY WITH US all constantly on the run. Abby, Mom and I took turns driving Dad to his treatments and stayed with him on his bad days. Andrea, my older sister; her husband and two boys sold their house and moved closer to home. That helped out so much, putting two more people in the rotation of caring for Dad.
I ended up getting a job at Rosemore Dental as a receptionist and have been working every day through the week. At first, I was hesitant knowing Judd was from there, but I figured it is a big city so the likelihood of running into each other was slim. Besides, I knew I would soon be going to college in the same city so the location of the office was more convenient than commuting each day after class.
After the first several weeks of college, Bethany raised a question that I hadn’t even considered myself.
“What would you think about getting an apartment? I mean here in Rosemore, close to the college. I just got a job downtown and you work here. I figure it would be easier on both of us and save a ton of gas,” she asks hesitantly.
She must be thinking I’ll say no on account of not being home near my dad.
I ponder on it for a moment before offering up an answer. “I’ll have to give it some thought. I’ve been running myself ragged back and forth, but I really need to be close to my family right now. I’ll talk to Mom and see what she thinks.” She steers the car back towards Fairview as I go on, “We would have to get something inexpensive. I really can’t afford anything elaborate right now.”
Bethany’s priority would more than likely be to get some upscale apartment that would come with ridiculously high rent that I could not possibly afford.
“Think it over and let me know. It could be fun. I already looked in the paper and there is one not too far from campus that has an available unit. It’s a one bedroom, one and a half bath, but it is only a couple blocks from my work, a few blocks from college and an easy walk to your work, too. It would be perfect, plus the rent includes electric, water, sewer and trash. We can look at it tomorrow after school, if you’re interested.”
Staring out the window in deep thought, I run over our conversation and weigh the pros and cons.
Once home, I pretty well already have myself convinced that it would be for the best, plus Mom agrees, bringing my assurance level to a 100%.
We end up getting the apartment that Bethany suggested and I am pleasantly surprised at how reasonable the rent is, yet the accommodations are comfortable and appealing to the eye. Best of all, the location allows me to walk to work and school. I take full advantage of it, mainly to give me time to clear my mind.
This week I have wound up at home more nights than not, eating dinner with my family and checking on Dad, however, for the days that I worked late, it helps to live close by.
Bethany definitely can be counted on for keeping my mind busy, trying her best to cheer me up anytime my fears start to get the best of me. When she isn’t home, she is indulging in college life enough for both of us, always eagerly urging me to join in. I just haven’t jumped on the party train yet, though.
Kyle lives in Rosemore as well, a couple blocks from us at some jock fraternity he pledged to. We actually see each other quite a bit and he has become someone I can truly lean on.
After unpacking the very last of my boxes, I sentimentally place a framed picture of Mom, Dad, me and my sisters on the dresser between our beds.
“Ok, so there is a party over at Kyle’s fraternity tonight. You in?” Bethany says in a chipper voice as she sits down on her bed.
We only have a small walkway between the beds and enough room for one dresser at the end beside the closet. The closeness of the beds always has me thinking about my cot back at the cabin.
“I’m really not feeling it,” I tell her, knowing she is not going to let this go.
She flips onto her back and pulls her legs up to lay against the wall, forming an L shape with her body. Her shoulder length blonde hair flings out in all different directions as she tilts her head upside down to look at me.
While standing between the beds, I pry and tug at the box I have just emptied out until it is ripped apart and completely flattened.
“Oh my gosh, Alyssa, live a little. I know the situation, but you have to enjoy yourself some or you are going to go crazy. It’s just one night.”
Her words hit a sour chord within me and I have to hold back from yelling. The last few months my nerves have been wound so tight and my emotions have been so on edge that I fear the smallest thing could set me off.
I exhale slowly to calm myself before answering, “Actually, I was going to stay at my parent’s tonight.”
Bethany chuckles and rolls over onto her stomach, swinging her legs back and forth behind her.
“No, you weren’t.”
Squinting her eyes, she holds her finger out and points at me.
I slowly lower myself and sink into the mattress with my shoulders slumped forward while staring at my hands that are clasped together in my lap. I know I have been caught in a lie.
“You have it written down that it is Sunday night that you are going to your parent’s, so don’t even try to use that as an excuse.” She gives me an evil smirk and I have to roll my eyes.
Why don’t I carry a date book rather than the calendar on the kitchen wall? Bethany knows when I work, what time my classes are and what days or nights that I go home. I’ll never get out of all
these parties she insists I go to, if I keep advertising my schedule.
“Ok, you got me.” I sigh and level her with a sneaky look. She’s right; Mom and Dad have been telling me the same thing. “Fine, I’ll go, but I’m not staying long. So, once I’m ready to leave, I’m leaving with or without you,” I tell her and genuinely smile at her reaction.
Bethany bolts up off the bed and rushes over to the closet, throwing outfit after outfit at me in an attempt to glam me up. Good gracious, she is just like Abby.
Two hours later, I am outfitted in a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a pair of black knee high boots and a black and silver fitted shirt with a lace back. She insists on doing my makeup, so I let her doll me up, but leave my hair untouched, hanging loose in thick waves down to the center of my back.
Knowing that we both will probably drink, we decide to walk the two blocks to Kyle’s fraternity.
A short stroll later, we walk up to the huge blue Victorian and head up the stairs to the front porch, where several guys are sitting on the banisters, drinking. Whistles sound as soon as we near the front door.
“Ready to party?” Bethany says in an overly cheerful tone.
She shimmies her hips and takes off in front of me, batting her eyelashes and smiling at the admirers on the porch.
I follow behind her. What have I gotten myself into? It is only a matter of time before she falls into some corner with one of them to make out; either that or she may seek out the guy that she has been carrying on about lately. From what she has told me, she seems to be determined to sink her claws into him tonight.
Barely through the door and my body is already thumping to the same beat as the deafening music coming from the sound system.
“I’m going to work the crowd. You be ok?” Not even waiting for my answer, she is gone in two seconds flat; figures.
Once her body is swallowed up by the crowd, I scan my surroundings for familiar faces and come up empty. Pushing and shoving my way through a swaying mass of college students, I eventually wind up in the kitchen. I snag a cup full of beer and exit through the back door to the deck. The back yard is swarming with people as well; some dancing, some in corners getting handsy and some carrying on loud discussions.
Take My Breath Away Page 14