by Rick Cook
"Now," said Malkin, turning to face the fourth thug.
"No need." The man hobbled to his feet and held out a hand to ward her off. "No need. I'm going." With that he hoisted himself over the stone rail and disappeared into the darkness below.
With the threat vanished, the spell relaxed its grip and time speeded up to normal for Wiz. He blinked as his eyes refocused, realized he was facing in a different direction and then saw Malkin looking over the bridge railing.
"Something happened didn't it?"
Malkin looked at him oddly. "Four Bog Side bullies just tried to kill you is all. I guess that qualifies as 'something'—at least for normal folk."
She strode ahead briskly. "Come on," she said over her shoulder. "Let's get off this bridge before something else happens."
"Who?" said Wiz as he caught up beside her.
"Hired help," Malkin told him. "And not of the best, either. Seems as if someone wants you dead, but they don't want to spend a lot of money on the project."
"Dieter?"
Malkin considered. "Mayhap. But as like Mayor Hastlebone. Or one of the others."
"Wait a minute. The mayor's my strongest supporter."
"He's tied his wagon to your star and that's a fact. But mayhap he's afraid your star will fall and wants to hedge his bet. After all, if you die accidental-like, you can't rightly be said to have failed, now can you?"
"Hendrick?"
"Or maybe one of the common folk, who's afraid of dragons."
"Well, if they're afraid of dragons," Wiz said despairingly, "don't they want me to succeed?"
"They're likely afraid you'll stir the dragons up to burn the town again."
"Great. Try to do them a favor and they try to kill you."
Malkin grinned. "You expected gratitude?"
Twenty-one: Fanfare For Kazoos and Dragon
Just because it doesn't work the way you expected doesn't mean it's useless.
—The Consultants' Handbook
Wiz stewed about the incident on the bridge for the next three days without coming to any kind of conclusion—except that someone here really didn't like him. Since he had known that almost from the moment he set foot in town, the information didn't help him any.
He was still stewing when the mayor showed up on his doorstep. He was hoarse and made liberal use of the handkerchief in his sleeve, but he looked better than he had the last time Wiz had seen him.
"What can I do for you, Your Honor?" he asked once they were settled in his workroom.
"It's this new organization," Mayor Hendrick said. "Oh, I'm sure it's wonderful and all that. But it's so, well, complicated, we meet and we meet and we meet and nothing ever seems to get done."
"Reinventing and re-empowering an organization does take some time to get up to speed," Wiz said. "But I'm sure once the initial formalities are out of the way you will find it a vast improvement."
"Maybe, but that's not exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. I need something to help me maintain my position."
Thoughts of a palace coup flashed through Wiz's mind. "Maintain your position?"
"With this new executive committee. I need something to increase my dignity," the mayor said. Wiz thought about suggesting a face-lift and a personality transplant, but he decided against it.
Wiz shrugged. "Well, I'm not much on public speaking."
"Oh, but you handled that presentation wonderfully," the mayor said. "Anyway, I speak well enough as it is. What I need is something more, well, imposing, if you know what I mean? Something magical. I was thinking, perhaps, a halo?"
Wiz thought that a halo would make the mayor look more ridiculous than dignified. "Fine for a darkened room, but what about broad daylight?"
Mayor Hastlebone sniffled. "Yes, that is a problem. What do you suggest then?"
"Well, how about some background music?"
"You mean like a fanfare of trumpets?" The mayor brightened. "Yes, that would be just the thing." He waved his hand. "Make it so, Wizard."
"It's not quite that simple. Let me think for a minute. What do you want it to sound like?"
"Oh, something like Ta-daa tum tum tum TAA." The mayor waved his hand in time to the imaginary music. "You know, important."
"I guess so," Wiz said, punching keys on his workstation and watching the fiery letters scroll past. "Can you do that sound again?"
"TA-DAA TUM TUM TUM TAAA." The mayor was louder this time.
"Okay got it. Now . . ."
"You mean you're not going to make a hundred trumpets materialize in the room?" The mayor sounded disappointed.
"No, I've captured the sound and I'll use that. After I juice it up, of course."
Calling up his synthesizer module, Wiz set to work. Eventually he came up with something that combined the theme from Masterpiece Theater with the post call from a horse race. Even to Wiz's musically untrained ear it sounded more like a chorus of kazoos than a trumpet call.
The mayor's face fell.
"Needs something more," Wiz said quickly. "How about a three-part echo effect?"
Wiz noticed that the sound of the trumpets had brought Llewllyn to the doorway. He didn't seem awed, but he was very interested.
A few more minutes of fiddling and Wiz tried again. Now it sounded like some of the kazoos had bass voices and they weren't quite playing together. The mayor brightened at the noise.
"Now I just say fanfare exe?"
"That's right. Try it."
Mayor Hendrick puffed out his chest and struck a pose as if delivering an oration. fanfare exe! Flinging one arm outward he began to address a non-existent crowd.
As soon as he opened his mouth the invisible trumpets brayed. His Honor stood with his mouth open for a minute and then closed it just as the fanfare finished. "My friends," the mayor began and was immediately drowned out by the trumpets.
"Ah, I think this needs a little more work," Wiz said. "Let me play with it some more and perhaps we can do better."
The mayor's reply was drowned out by a volley of trumpets.
"Say 'fanfare cancel exe,' " Wiz shouted through the noise.
"What?" Immediately another round of racket burst on top of the existing one.
"FANFARE CANCEL EXE," Wiz shouted.
"FANFARE CANCEL EXE?" the mayor asked. The trumpets cut off in mid-bray.
"This needs a little work," Wiz said into the ringing silence.
"I thought a wizard simply waved his wand, or staff, to make things happen."
"I'm afraid there's a little more to it than that, at least on such complex spells. This may take a couple of days, but I'm sure I can cook something up you'll like."
He had just seen the mayor out the front door, still sniffling, when a noise in the kitchen caught his attention. He went downstairs and found Llewllyn and Anna sitting at the table with a large basket between them. There was a blanket neatly folded on top of the basket.
"You wanted to see me?" he asked Llewllyn.
"Ah, a trifle really. Nothing of any importance I assure you."
Wiz gestured at the blanket and basket. "And this?"
"We're going on a picnic," Anna said brightly. Her face fell. "That's if you don't mind, My Lord. I'll be back in plenty of time to fix dinner and all my work's done, except for washing the walls and I can't do that until the soapmaker finishes her next batch of cleaning soap and that won't be for another two days, so . . ."
"No, it's fine with me." Then he eyed Llewllyn. "Just remember our discussion."
The young man gave his boss a toothpaste smile. "Of course, My Lord."
"Oh, by the way," Wiz said casually to Anna. "Have you seen the butter knife anywhere?" Then he smiled insincerely at Llewllyn, who had suddenly gone a little pale and developed a distinct hunch.
A pleasant way out of town a jumble of rocky spires reared from the countryside. It was a common destination for picnics and other more private affairs, as Llewllyn knew from his previous residence nearby.
Anna had pac
ked a lunch in a wicker basket and neatly covered the provisions with a spare blanket to serve as a tablecloth. She had fixed the lunch herself, but Llewllyn was the one who suggested the blanket.
"My gran would never let me come here," she told Llewllyn as they turned off the road onto the path into the rocks.
"Oh, it's perfectly safe, I can assure you," the putative wizard said carelessly. "I've been here many times."
"Many times?"
"Picnics," Llewllyn added hastily, catching her tone. "I've been here on picnics."
"Oh, this is a lovely spot," the girl said, as they came to a glade in the rocks.
"There's a better one a little ways up. More private—ah—better view." He took her hand and helped her up the steep trail among the pink granite boulders. The path twisted and climbed until it reached a spot just below the top of the main spire. Rocks jutted up around them, forming a natural bowl enclosing a flat spot just large enough for a cozy picnic.
"Here, you see? You can see for miles and no one can see us at all."
"No one?"
"Completely private." He moved closer to her. "And look at the view." He stood behind her and extended one arm over her shoulder to point out the sights. "There's the river, and there's the town over there, you see?" Somehow it was completely natural that Llewllyn's other arm fell around Anna's waist.
"Are you sure we'll be all right?" she asked wide-eyed.
"Never fear," Llewllyn said. "I am here to protect you."
"Oh, Llewllyn," she whispered softly.
He drew her to him and held her in his arms. "You know I would give my last drop of heart's blood for you. I love you more than life itself."
"Oh, Llewllyn."
Anna's eyes were dewy and her lips soft and partly open. Llewllyn bent forward to kiss her.
A shadow passed before the sun.
Anna's eyes grew round and she went rigid in Llewllyn's arms. The wizard wasn't used to getting that kind of response so it took him a second to realize she was looking over his shoulder and not at him. He turned around in time to see a dragon settle down among the crags below them.
Peering around a rock Llewllyn could see the dragon, or part of it, nestled among the rocks below them. It had curled up, blocking the trail.
Anna shrank back against him, cowering in his arms. Llewllyn clasped her tightly to stop his own trembling.
"Be brave, my beloved," he said to her. "I will protect you." She made no sound but clung to him more tightly.
Llewllyn's first instinct was to sneak away. But he knew this place well enough to know there wasn't anyplace to sneak to from here. The only way out was the trail they had come up. They could stay where they were, but sooner or later the dragon was sure to see or smell them. There really wasn't anything else to do, he decided. Especially not with the girl here.
"I will face the monster."
Anna turned even paler. "Oh, but you can't. You'll be killed."
The wizard took her in his arms. "If I am it will be in a good cause. I will gladly offer up my last drop of heart's blood to save you."
"Oh, be careful," Anna breathed. "Come back to me."
He patted her cheek. "Never fear my darling. All will be well."
A quick peek around the rocks showed the dragon was lying down and couldn't see the trail. Llewllyn took a deep breath and moved toward the dragon, dodging from boulder to boulder and sometimes crawling on his belly.
His first thought was that he might be able to find another way down the rocks. Or perhaps, if the dragon was truly asleep, they could sneak by it. By the time he reached the place where the dragon rested he knew both hopes were in vain. The rocks were much too steep and while he could hear the dragon breathing regularly, it was obviously not asleep.
Llewllyn stopped and thought hard. He had scant experience with dragons. But he knew Wiz had handled one by talking to it and if there was one thing Llewllyn was confident of, it was his ability to talk.
No help for it, really, he told himself. Then he stood up, straightened his tunic, brushed the grass out of his blond hair and squared his shoulders. It never hurt to make an impressive entrance.
In fact, he realized, he had a spell of his master's to make the entrance even more impressive. All the trumpets might even make the dragon think he had an army behind him.
fanfare exe! he whispered. Then he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to go forth and do battle with the dragon.
The dragon, meanwhile, was mostly interested in getting a nice nap. He had fed that morning on a dozen or so sheep at an outlying farmstead and taken light exercise by flying a few dozen leagues. Now he was ready to settle down and digest his meal. The rocks were nicely warm from the sun and the scenery suited his dragonish nature.
He was just relaxing into gentle slumber when the blare of trumpets yanked him awake.
The dragon's head jerked up and he roared in surprise and anger. A lance of flame shot from his jaws directed at nothing in particular but passing over the rock behind which Llewllyn waited. The bard was unharmed but the blast of superheated air cost him what little courage he had remaining.
Unfortunately, when Llewllyn became frightened he stuttered uncontrollably. Every time he tried to get a syllable out it touched off another peal of trumpets. The rocks rang and resounded with the noise of a trumpet fanfare played as a twenty-part round and the dragon's head darted this way and that seeking the source of his torment.
Finally it was too much. With a roar of frustration the dragon leapt into the sky to try to find a quieter place for his nap.
Llewllyn was still watching the dragon go when Anna came running down the trail and into his arms.
"You're all right! I saw the fire and the dragon, and I was afraid." She stopped with her eyes even wider as the significance sank in. "You did it," Anna breathed. "You defeated a dragon."
Llewllyn opened his mouth to say something modest but the trumpet fanfare cut him off.
Anna's eyes grew even wider. "Oh, you are a mighty wizard! And my hero." Llewllyn just smiled and held Anna tighter. Occasionally, given enough hints, he did know when to shut up.
Winging away from the rocks the dragon came to a somewhat different conclusion. A pretty pass indeed when you can't even take a nap without being disturbed by these pesky humans and their stupid magical jokes, he thought. I'm going to have to do something about them. And this new wizard of theirs.
Twenty-two: Dragon Trouble
The Consultant's Three Rules of Crisis
Management:
1) When Life Hands You A Lemon, Make
Lemonade.
2) When Life Hands You A Hemlock, Don't Make
Hemlock-ade.
2a) Always Know The Difference Between A Lemon
and A Hemlock.
—The Consultants' Handbook
" . . . and then the dragon flew away," Anna told Wiz and Malkin, her blue eyes round as saucers. "And we were saved!"
"Oh, it was nothing really," Llewllyn said modestly from where he stood at her side, his hand resting on her shoulder. Anna reached up and placed her hand over his. Then she beamed up at her savior.
Wiz and Malkin exchanged glances and then stared down at their plates and the remains of dinner. Obviously both of them thought that for once Llewllyn's description of events was more accurate than Anna's.
The pair had been through the incident three times and Wiz still wasn't completely sure what had happened. For one thing, the story had grown with each retelling. For another he trusted neither Llewllyn's veracity nor Anna's powers of observation. He was reasonably certain there had been a dragon involved and that the dragon had flown away, perhaps in response to something Llewllyn had done. He suspected from Anna's description of the sound of trumpets that his fanfare spell had been involved as well. Beyond that, he wasn't willing to speculate—except about the reason for the grass stains on the blanket and the dried grass in Anna's hair and the flush on the girl's cheeks.
Obviously some
thing more was called for, so Wiz tried. "Well, I'm glad you're safe."
Anna sighed. "I owe it all to Llewllyn. Isn't he wonderful?"
Malkin kept her eyes on her plate.
"Quite remarkable," Wiz said dryly, rising from the table. "But if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." Like trying to keep my dinner down, he thought as he headed up the stairs.
Since Llewllyn had developed the habit of cadging meals with them the scene was repeated at lunch the next day.
Since the mayor had summoned Wiz to discuss the fanfare spell, the scene was prolonged because Llewllyn insisted on accompanying him to the town hall. The young man paused several times to ostentatiously greet important people, keeping Wiz close so he could bask in his reflected glory. Somehow he managed to work the fact that he had defeated a dragon into each conversation, so Wiz had to listen to more or less the same story three or four more times. By the time they reached the street that led to the main square Wiz was thoroughly fed up with his assistant.
"You know that what you did was stupid," Wiz told him finally. "I mean terminally stupid. Why didn't you just wait for the dragon to leave?"
"Were I by myself I might have," Llewllyn admitted with a disarming smile. "But Anna was there."
"So you risked her life as well as your own to impress her."
"No, to protect her. Better for me to face near-certain death at the fangs and claws of a dragon than for anything to happen to her. Were I slain perhaps the monster would be satisfied and not look further among the rocks."
"Still it was stupid."
Llewllyn nodded, as if to show he was too well bred to argue with his employer. "Perhaps, My Lord. I can only say that love makes a man do strange and wonderful things."
Wiz snorted.
"But I do love her," Llewllyn proclaimed. "Why, I would shed my last drop of heart's blood for her."
"Yeah, but will you marry her?"
"Of course, My Lord, in due time. Do you doubt me?"