A couple of the guys snicker behind him as they wait to see what I'll do. But I just roll my eyes because I'm not about to get into a pissing match about the size of my johnson. Not with this guy, anyway. And yeah, I've snuck a few peeks in the locker room- he's not all that. In fact, he's a hell of a lot less than that.
"Yep, guess you will." Impatiently I haul my bag up onto my shoulder. Honestly, I just want to get the hell out of here. I've got better things to do than listen to Birkmen talk smack about the size of his microscopic chubby. "See you ass wipes later."
"Hold up, I'll walk out with you." Max grabs his bag as we both push through the locker room door before heading out to the parking lot.
"Don't let Birkmen get to you. You know he's harmless."
Still feeling irritated, I give him a sideways glance. "Tell that to the blow up doll he violates ten different ways on a nightly basis."
Max chuckles. "Dude, that is so not the image I want in my head. Anyway, I think he popped that thing a few months ago."
"Yeah, I'm actually a little sorry I brought it up myself." Because now all I can see is Birkmen trying to get it on with the life sized blow up doll we duck taped to the hood of his jeep last year. Hell, the dude wasn't supposed to actually use it...
"So," he drawls, "where exactly you taking Jordan tonight?"
I grin... pretty much like an idiot, I'm sure. "Well, first-"
Wait a minute.
How did he know I was going out with Jordan tonight? My feet grind to a sudden halt before I turn slowly towards him. "How the hell did you know?" Apparently I haven't been nearly as covert as I thought I was being.
A huge smile breaks out across Max's face as he says with a fair amount of smugness, "I didn't."
My eyes narrow. Great. For just a moment I think about downplaying it but what's the point? "Listen, just keep all this to yourself for the time being." Then my eyes narrow further. "And I definitely don't want you telling Captain Crazy about this- you got that?"
Man, if Max lets it slip to Emily, she'll have it blabbed all over school within an hour. And that would definitely not be good for business. Since this date tonight is actually more of a non-date. That was one of the many stipulations Jordan insisted on before agreeing to even do this. Because, apparently, Hartley wasn't all that keen on us getting together outside of our normal tutoring sessions at the library.
Which, quite naturally, makes me smile.
Evilly, of course.
"Trust me, I got it." Then the douche starts singing. And we're talking seriously horrendous, make-my-ears-bleed, off-key singing. "Parker has a girlfriend. Parker has a girlfriend-"
I swear to God, if he begins some effing rendition of- Parker and Jordan sitting in a tree, I will literally punch him.
Which is exactly when he breaks into- "Parker and Jordan sitting in a-"
That's it! I haul off, plowing my fist right into his gut. I hear him grunt as he doubles over. And I have to admit, it's a rather satisfying sound. I almost want to do it again.
"Dude, that was so uncalled for," he laughs as he rubs his hopefully tender belly.
I raise a brow. "You keep busting my balls and I will seriously beat the crap out of you."
"Boy, love sure hasn't put you in a good mood."
Glaring, I say, "I am not in love!" Does he have some serious retardation issues going on? Love. Give me a damn break. It's a freaking non-date. Nothing more.
"Oh come on, Parker, just let me enjoy this for a moment. This is the first and probably last time I'll ever see you whipped over some girl. I honestly never thought I'd see the day. And you know what the kicker is? It's over some teeny tiny chick who doesn't even seem all that into you. This couldn't possibly get anymore hilarious."
Then he looks off into the distance as if suddenly transfixed by something only he can see as he says in a monotone voice, "It's like I've entered some sort of bizarre parallel universe." He looks up at the sky before rubbing his eyes. "Up is now down. Down is up. How do I know what's real anymore? What's real? What's fake? How can I tell?" Apparently Max is only interested in cracking himself up because he drops the whole act when he starts laughing. At my freaking expense, no less. "Oh my God... Parker Montgomery whipped!" Then he actually laughs some more before repeating, "Whipped!"
As he says it one final time, the word reverberates hollowly throughout my head. "I am not-" My teeth clench tightly as I wrap my lips around the word, "whipped."
I am not whipped over Jordan.
So what if I like her? Kind of a lot. That hardly means I'm whipped.
I mean, come on…
There's a difference between me and some dude who's so far gone over a girl that it's not even funny. Max here is whipped. And by that head case no less. Not exactly something to be proud of, if you ask me. If I were him, I'd keep my big fat mouth shut.
"Maybe not right now... but that's the direction this is headed in. I can tell." Max throws his arm across my shoulder as we continue walking through the parking lot. "Welcome to the dark side, my friend. Just think of all the super fun stuff we can do together as couples- double dates, dances, camping trips. And here's an added bonus- I won't have to listen to Emily bitch anymore about what a bad influence you are on me."
Is this guy for real?
First off- Max gets himself in deep shit with Emily all the freaking time (do I even need to bring up the whole Katie Schmidt thing again?) and I have absolutely nothing to do with the majority of it. He drools over anything with a great set of tits and a nice ass. He certainly doesn't need my help with that.
And second- Double dates and dances?
Yeah, I don't think so. In fact, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. I have zero interest in doing anything that involves double dates. Or going to school dances. Or pretty much anything like that at all.
And did he actually say camping?
With chicks?
Why in God’s name would anyone want to do that?
No, seriously.
I think his psycho-crazy girlfriend has finally rubbed off on him a little too much. Can you even begin to imagine all the bitching and whining we'd have to put up with? They'd be crying about things like- dirt and bugs and snakes and how they have to pee in the bushes and sleep on the hard ground... Yeah, that really does sound super fun.
Not.
Then he sighs wistfully, "Well, I have to admit that I've enjoyed living vicariously through you. I guess it's time to say goodbye to random hook ups and meaningless sex with hot hotties because that's all behind you." He grins before adding, "Now you'll be one of us."
One of us?
Am I joining a freaking cult?
Nope, I don't think so.
I knock Max's arm off me but his words have the wheels starting to spin in my head. Before I can even think about what I'm saying, the words are flying out of my mouth, "Look, don't make this out to be more than what it is. I'm just interested in getting into her pants. That's all. End of story." Even though I'm saying the words, I'm not altogether sure they're true. And at this point, I'm not even sure if I want them to be true. But they feel good slipping out of my mouth. They feel somehow reassuring. Like this is nothing more than a phase I need to work through.
He raises a brow. Rather skeptically, if you can believe that. "Really? Because you could have fooled me. You haven't exactly been acting like yourself lately and I think that chick is the reason why."
He's right. Deep down, I know he is. And the madness needs to stop now before it gets completely out of control. Humming in the freaking locker room...
I smile, even though I'm not quite feeling it at the moment. "Yeah, well, this one's a little more challenging than the others. I've never actually had to work this hard for a piece of ass before. It's a nice change of pace."
Max laughs before shaking his head. "Man, you are such a dog. I should have known."
Something finally starts to loosen within me. Yeah, I can totally breathe again.
&nb
sp; No, Jordan doesn't mean a damn thing to me. I'm just trying to get between her legs. That's all this is. And once I do, everything will slide back to normal. I'll go back to normal. And normal is good. It's safe.
Because there's no way in hell that I'm whipped.
This girl hasn't changed me.
You know what? I've been way too wrapped up in her lately. And clearly that's got to stop because she's totally screwing with me. And not in a good way either. That's for damn sure.
"Well, that's too bad. She's a cool girl. I like her." He eyes me for a moment. "Although I have to admit that she's not exactly your type."
Unconsciously my jaw clenches at his words. "What do you mean 'not my type'?"
He just shrugs his broad shoulders. The look on his face tells me that what he's about to say should be obvious. "You know-" he places his hands in front of his chest before cupping the air, "she's not built."
No, Jordan is definitely not built like Natalie or even Marissa-let-me-dry-hump-you-in-the-cafeteria-Sandberg. If I'm being completely honest, I've never actually thought much about her tits before. Not since that cheap feel I supposedly copped at that party. That's what she accused me of anyway. Normally breasts are the first thing I zero in on but, for some reason, I didn't with her. Usually when I'm around Jordan, I'm way too busy verbally sparring with her to think about her body.
"Plus she's really smart."
"Yeah, she is." Which is actually one of the things I like about her.
You know what sucks most of all?
Before this rather enlightening conversation with Max (yeah, I know, I'm completely blown away as well) I was totally looking forward to tonight. And now... I don't know.
Maybe I should bale on this whole thing with Jordan and head over to Will's instead. Maybe hooking up with Natalie is exactly what I need to get things back to normal. Because if there's a girl who can help me forget about Jordan, it would definitely be Natalie.
Chapter Twelve
I pretty much knew I’d made a piss poor decision the moment I showed up at this little get together an hour ago. But, at that point in the evening, I was still a man on a mission.
In case you're wondering- that mission was to wipe Jordan Whitnall clean from my mind and get my life back to normal. You know- screw around with whoever I want, whenever I want, and stop obsessing over her.
Stuff like that.
That unfortunately hasn't worked out quite the way I thought it would. I'm actually thinking about ditching the mission. Now don't get me wrong- I'm no quitter. Especially when there just so happens to be a beautiful, semi-naked chick straddling my lap in a nice dark bedroom. But nothing she's doing seems able to wake the one eyed snake currently slumbering in my jeans.
Which, quite frankly, isn't a predicament I've ever encountered before. Normally I don't have the slightest problem giving a standing ovation. Even if the girl isn't a total hottie, I can usually still rouse the troops at the slightest command.
Apparently that's not going to be the case tonight. For whatever reason, something just feels off about this whole thing. And even though she's sliding her fingers under my t-shirt- which I typically love- all system are definitely not go. I repeat- all systems are not go.
Houston, I think we have a problem...
And that problem's name is Jordan.
You know, I came here tonight with the single minded purpose of trying to forget about her. For one freaking night, I just wanted to think about someone else. I wanted to do someone, anyone else. I just wanted to get that girl out of my system. But for some reason, that chick isn't going anywhere.
And my nether regions seem to think they're now calling the shots because I can't seem to get them motivated. At all. Not even a semi-hard, sort-of-aroused chubby. There's absolutely nothing going on down there. It's like all the blood flow has been cut off from that organ. Under normal circumstances, I'd be sporting a rather impressive boner at the most inopportune of times. Well, this just so happens to be an incredibly opportune time and there's nothing.
N-o-t-h-i-n-g.
Normally I'm like a boy scout. I'm always prepared (woody-wise). I can be ready at a single moment’s notice. If there's a girl in need of a hard on- I'm there, rising to the occasion like a champ. Yep, I'm definitely someone who can be depended on in that kind of situation. I'm sort of like a superhero that way.
But, like so many things of late, I guess that's over with.
This night has turned out to be a total bust.
Unfortunately, I think Natalie is starting to notice because she keeps squirming around on top of me as if that's going to rectify the situation. And in all honesty, it should. This girl is hotter than a six alarm fire. I should be bursting out of my jeans at this point. But that doesn't seem to be happening. Not even a little. And we all know how much I hate to have the word little associated with my junk.
"Parker? What's wrong? You don't seem like your normal self."
She has absolutely no idea just how right she is...
And the last thing I'm going to do is explain what a messed up situation I'm in. Plus, I've learned through extensive research (and also watching Max in action) that most chicks don't like it when you talk about other girls while in the midst of getting busy with them. Apparently this is considered rude. And, as Max found out, it's actually a slap-worthy offense. Yeah, it was pretty funny but it's definitely not something I'd like to experience firsthand. So, no, I won't be mentioning Jordan's name even though she's totally filling my thoughts to the point of stalker-ish tendencies. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm having major regrets about blowing off our non-date tonight. Major regrets. And there's probably no coming back from that one.
Not used to be ignored, especially in such a compromising position- did I mention that Natalie's shirt has been peeled away (she did it, not me) and she's sitting on top of me in nothing more than her skimpy bra and a very short skirt and thong? And no, I didn't ask to see her rather microscopic thong but she showed it to me anyway. Yeah, it's a curse, but that just so happens to be the effect I have on the ladies. I've stopped trying to fight it.
I'm also going to add, because it needs to be stated- Natalie fills out that bra like nobody's business. I should be totally salivating at this point.
I should be so lost in the softness of her skin- that I'm just about to blow my wad. And Jordan (who certainly can't compete with Natalie in the bod department) should be the absolute furthest thing from my mind. Trust me, I want her to be the furthest thing from my mind. But for some reason, it's her tight little body I want withering away on top of me.
And what's really messed up is that I want nothing more than to ditch Natalie, find Jordan, and beg for her forgiveness. I think Max might be right in his previous assessment of my predicament. I'm totally and unequivocally whipped over this girl. Because I can't stop thinking about her. I want to be with her all the time. And this is seriously messed up, but I totally love it when she gets all hard assed with me. God, but I love that more than anything.
That's pretty sick, right?
Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.
This is unfortunately what people like to refer to as an ironic situation. Because here I am, me- Parker Montgomery, totally hung up on some pixie-like girl who not only isn't into me but has a boyfriend to boot. Yeah, I've been forced to read enough boring ass literature to know what irony is and just how rife this situation is with it. It's a major pisser,-that's for sure. And all I've done is mess things up even more by baling on her about twenty minutes before I was supposed to show up at her door.
To make matters worse- I blew her off in a very brief, somewhat rude text message.
Yeah, I know, total douche bag move.
But, in my defense (if I'm allowed to have one), I was purposely being a douche. The thought of this girl actually meaning something to me is a scary one. And I'm by no means ready to embrace it. Even thinking about it right now, freaks me out. But clearly, using Natalie as a
way of trying to forget Jordan has backfired. And if Natalie can't help me rise to the occasion... well then, I think I'm pretty much screwed.
And not in a fun, feel good sort of way either...
I'm sure it won't surprise you to learn that I haven't received a text back from her. It'll probably surprise you even less to know that I've been checking my phone about every three minutes. And the fact that I keep taking my hands off Natalie to do this has her growing more impatient by the second.
How do I know this?
Well, my first tip off was by the set of her firmly, pressed together lips. They look sort of frowny (and I've stated this before- chicks usually aren't all frowny with me), like she's totally bewildered by what's going on here. Certainly can't blame her for that. I’m feeling equally bewildered by the situation.
Secondly, she's withering away on me like her very life depends on it. Because let's face it- Natalie's used to having a certain effect on the males of our species. And that effect is one where they pretty much drop to her feet. Especially when she's practically naked.
And lastly, my third clue was when she reached over and snatched the phone right out of my hand before tossing it just out of reach. Seriously, who does that? Unfortunately there's still no message from Jordan. That girl is going to drive me bat shit crazy- I'll tell you that much. When Natalie finally has my undivided attention (or so she thinks), she takes both my hands before bringing them up to cup her incredibly generous breasts. Holy softness, Batman...
But still... there's no schwinging action going on down there.
Absolutely freaking none.
I'm almost embarrassed by my total lack of response.
Maybe I need to give my johnson a little pep talk. Because in the past- a nice, soft-yet-firm pair of tits would've had me saluting like a five star general. After all, Parker Jr. (yeah, sometimes I call him that- don't judge me) is normally good to go- up for anything. Yes, that pun was totally intended. Apparently my nether regions have drawn a nonnegotiable line in the sand. And there won't be any crossing of that line tonight.
Confessions of a Heartbreaker Page 10