At five o’clock that morning, as Ivor was hurrying from the room he shared with Effie, Jennie crept out of bed, being careful not to disturb Ernie, and taking the bicycle that had years ago taken Bill on long rides into the country she pushed it into the back lane. She struggled for a while, cycling had never been a favourite mode of transport, it ruined her hair style and she’d always felt silly when she was dressed to go dancing. When balance was mastered she headed for Badgers Brook. She had to talk to someone and knew Marie would listen even though there was no advice she, or anyone else, could offer.
It was still early and she had to knock on the door a few times then throw gravel up at her sister’s window before she had any response. A sleepy Marie opened the door and invited her in.
‘What’s happened? Have you left him?’ she asked, seeing from the lack of make-up and the untidy dress that her sister was seriously depressed. ‘I’ll just make a cup of tea, and if I can revive the fire sufficiently we’ll have some toast.’
‘No, I haven’t left Ernie, but I wish I’d never married him.’ Jennie slumped down beside the scrubbed table and lowered her head on to her arms. ‘Why didn’t anyone stop me?’
‘If you’re asking whether I approved, well, no, I didn’t. But to be honest, Jen, I thought you knew how it would be and had decided that a meal-ticket for life made the sacrifice worth while.’
‘Sacrifice? Is that what I did?’
‘You must have known that Ernie wouldn’t be the most exciting husband.’
‘At least he wouldn’t run off without a word, leave me to fend for myself!’ Having said the spiteful words, remorse made her cry. ‘Sorry, Marie, sorry, sorry, sorry.’
Marie hugged her. ‘It’s all right, I understand how angry you are. We both made a wrong choice it seems. Although I’d welcome Ivor back with open arms if he turned up one day.’
‘What am I to do?’
‘Cope, I suppose, like the rest of us do.’ She attended to the tea tray and cut bread for toast. ‘I often stand and watch people busily rushing around about their business, all appearing to be content, smiling as they pass, cheerfully commenting on the weather or the shortages, and I wonder what they go home to. Is everything perfect for them? Am I the only one to exist in a state of constant anxiety, wondering why Ivor couldn’t trust me, or talk to me, and asking myself whether things will ever change? Perhaps the calm countenance of those we see, and their ready smiles, change to misery and despair once the door closes behind them and they disappear into their private lives. Perhaps I seem trouble-free to those who watch me.’
‘I believe I am ridiculed by those who watch me about my daily routine. Smiles change to jeers as they look away, politeness wiped from their faces, laughing at my stupidity in marrying a man almost as old as our dad.’
Marie placed a cup of tea in front of Jennie. She didn’t know what to say. Too much and it would be returned as fuel for argument. Too little and she’d be accused of not caring.
‘Perhaps it’s better to do nothing, wait a while, then, after a year or so discuss separation. Mam and Dad won’t like it, but it’s your life after all.’
‘I couldn’t live like this for that long.’
‘What’s the alternative? It isn’t as though there’s someone else.’ She was aware of a sudden jerky movement of Jennie’s arm and she stared at her in alarm. ‘Jennie? You aren’t telling me the full story, are you?’
‘I can’t tell you everything, I’m too ashamed.’
‘This is me, your sister who opened the bedroom window for you to climb back in after several of your escapades so you wouldn’t get caught. Who lent you money. Covered up for you on a hundred occasions. Told lies to boyfriends you wanted to discourage. Tell me.’
‘It’s Bill.’
‘Bill James? Your – what is he, your stepson? Oh, Jennie, what have you done?’
‘Made an impossible situation a hundred times worse.’ The frown left her face and for a moment she was a schoolgirl again as she said, with a trembly smile, ‘Our Mam’ll kill me, won’t she?’
‘If she doesn’t, someone else will!’
*
Ivor was standing in the wood with a distant view of Badgers Brook. He saw Jennie leaving and glanced at his watch. It was time he left. He had never been late for work and although he didn’t want to spend the day dealing with finance when he could remain standing here, close to Marie and the children, he knew he must.
On occasions he felt a strong belief that one day he would return to the family he loved, and, as he stood at the edge of the trees, hope was strong. He had to wait until he felt brave enough to tell Marie everything. Not only Marie, but the boys and Violet. They must understand why he lied.
The trees around him were filled with birdsong. Blackbirds sang their mellow hymn to the glories of the morning. A thrush competed, repeating each phrase, ‘Lest you should think he never could recapture the first fine careless rapture,’ as the poet Browning had described it.
He had been standing so still that the birds had accepted him as a fixture and a robin searched for grubs around his feet where he had disturbed the earth a little. He stayed longer than he should, unwilling to disturb them. When he moved it was the blackbird who protested the most, its clacking alarm echoing through the trees, a warning to the rest. The house called to him, yet he felt as homesick for the woodland as he did for his home and family: it was all a part of the same loss.
*
Jennie walked back to Ernie and found he was still asleep. There was no sign of Bill; presumably he had gone to work. She felt the teapot and found it warm. Too miserable to make a fresh pot she poured a cup and drank it, cold and unappetizing, as though it were a punishment and she deserved no better.
*
Geoff watched the lodging house where he had last seen Ivor for two Tuesdays without there being a sign of him, or the young woman he had been with at the cinema. Taking a chance he knocked on the door on the pretext of having a message for Ivor.
‘He’s gone and that woman’s gone with him.’ It was clear the landlady had no great opinion of either of them.
‘What woman?’ Geoff asked innocently.
‘Effie she calls herself, works in the grocer’s shop in the main road.’
‘I’d be grateful for any help you can give me. I really need to find him. I’m a friend, and it’s his family, you see. A quarrel. Now they want to put things right.’ He spoke conspiratorially, getting her on his side, and he was invited in for a cup of tea.
‘Thick as thieves they were,’ she told him. ‘Although I don’t think he was as keen as her, if you know what I mean. Dug her claws into him, that’s my suspicion.’
‘You’re a good judge of character, Mrs Davies. Not many would have noticed that. I suppose it’s because of the work you do, caring for people and making them feel that this is their home. It’s a rare talent.’ He allowed his eyes to wander around the old-fashioned wallpaper that had probably been there for twenty years, and the worn linoleum. ‘A real home-maker, that’s what you are.’
He stayed an hour and learned all he needed to know. Ivor and the woman called Effie were now sharing a single room. The implications were clear, but how could he tell Marie.
He called at Badgers Brook several evenings each week and sometimes took a rabbit or a pheasant he had bought from a farmer when he went on his weekly round delivering paraffin. Marie welcomed him and the boys enjoyed talking to him. After weeks had passed, even Violet stopped talking about Ivor.
Jennie was sometimes there when he called, and she looked so different, he asked Marie if her sister were ill.
‘Between you and me, Geoff, she’s dreadfully unhappy. I don’t think Ernie is a very caring husband, and you remember how lively Jennie used to be.’
‘Perhaps it’s taking a time to adjust,’ he said, uneasy about discussing a marriage.
‘What puzzles me is that Ernie knew her well – after all, she’d worked for Thelma until she died, he�
�d seen her dressed up, dancing, having fun – so why did he marry her and expect her to change?’
‘Love doesn’t have to be reasonable or logical or even hold out any hope of fulfilment, does it?’ He looked at her quizzically and she turned away, afraid of what she might see in his eyes. She was fond of Geoff and was grateful for his generous friendship and support, but she would never love him.
‘In spite of all he’s put us through, I still love Ivor,’ she said softly. ‘So I know what you mean.’
Contrary to her previous unwillingness to help, Jennie offered to stay with Violet while Marie went out. Their roles were reversing, Jennie rarely going further than Badgers Brook, and Marie, free from the confines of her family, meeting her friend Judy Morris, who still worked at the gown shop for Mr Harries, to go to the pictures, or simply to a café to talk. Neither was keen on dancing, so there were few places to go, and one day Judy suggested they went to Swansea. ‘There’s a train that goes all along the seafront, to the village of Mumbles, right to the pier. Violet would love it.’
Having planned one day to go to Swansea to find Ivor, now the opportunity was there Marie panicked. What if she saw Ivor with another woman? Even if he were alone, what would she say to him? Would she show her pleasure and relief, or turn away from him? In her heart she couldn’t imagine being able to turn away. She’d make a fool of herself, run to him, he’d be embarrassed, having to explain that he didn’t want to go back to her, that he was content in his new life.
‘No, Judy, I can’t. How can I go to the very place where I might bump into Ivor?’
It was Jennie who persuaded her, reminding her that Swansea was a large town with many areas, each with its own centre, and the likelihood of walking through the very one where Ivor lived was extremely remote.
‘Promise me that if you see him you’ll guide me away and not tell me,’ Marie said, although she was already dreaming of seeing him, and listening to him explain the reasons why he had left and how he longed to return. In her mind’s eye she saw his dearly loved face and the dream of him returning to Badgers Brook made her glow.
Jennie joined them and one Sunday they all went by train to the seaside town that from the centre appeared to be in the mountains, with hills almost all around. A short walk took them to the beach and at one of the stops they clambered aboard the Mumbles train, the first passenger railway train in the world, and, crammed in with the other excited passengers, made their way around the huge sandy bay to the village.
Pushing and shoving was part of the fun as they made their way along the narrow strip of beach, the almost full tide making them jump away from its creaming surf. They wandered past boats both on land and bobbing in the sea, which was turbulent at the top of the tide. They stopped to queue for ice-cream, then walked up to the Norman castle on its hill that looked down benevolently on the village spread out below.
The beautiful place relaxed Marie and she lost the fear of seeing Ivor and having the children upset and her own emotions thrown into turmoil. Their picnic was eaten as they rested against the ancient walls. The boys played a few games of hide-and-seek with Violet, then they went to explore the shops. Behind the shops and houses of the village were lanes where deliveries were made and the ash cart collected from the houses.
It was as they were wandering along Chapel Street, heading towards Gower Place, that Marie saw Ivor. He came out of the lane behind the shops and he and Marie stared at each other. The twins and Violet were a long, way ahead of her with Rhodri, so it was only Marie and Jennie whom he faced. The meeting she had imagined and hoped for so many times was nothing like her dream.
‘Marie,’ he murmured, his face gradually losing its colour. She turned and stumbled away across the road, ran into Gower Place and out of his sight.
Ivor began to run after her, but his legs were weak, and although he called, shouted, the pleading in his voice ending with a wail of despair, she didn’t turn around.
‘What have I done that he can treat me like this?’ she sobbed. Jennie led her into a lane that led back to the main road, where they were hidden from the rest of the family, and held her close.
‘I don’t know, and until he decides to tell you we never will.’
‘There’s someone else. It has to be someone else. He stole from us not because of his gambling or to help poor Rhodri, but to set up home with another woman. What a fool I’ve been, waiting for him to return, believing that he still loved me and it was only guilt keeping him away.’
‘Fools you and me both,’ Jennie said. ‘Love made a fool of you and I fell for the dream of an easy life with a sugar daddy.’
*
Effie was cleaning the cramped room when Ivor burst in, his face ashen. She asked what was wrong but he didn’t reply. He took the suitcase from under the bed and began packing his clothes into it. The task calming him, he slowed down and packed neatly, folding his clothes as carefully as usual before closing the case and putting it near the door. Staring with eyes wide with alarm Effie watched, convinced he would stop, calm down and unpack, then explain what had happened to make him panic.
‘I’ll pay a month’s rent,’ he said. ‘That’ll give you time to find somewhere else. This will be too expensive for you on your own. Sorry it didn’t work out.’
‘You’re going, just like that?’
‘I’ll be in touch, but I can’t stay here with you. Sorry.’
‘No explanation?’
‘Sorry,’ he repeated, shaking his head but not looking at her.
‘Running away is what you do, is it? Running away from home, then from Marie, and now from me.’
‘Don’t talk about Marie in the same breath as yourself, Effie. Marie is different. Leaving her was the one thing I will always regret.’
She tried again to explain her actions on the night he had slept in his clothes, but he refused to listen. As the door closed behind him, Effie’s face lost its pleading, sorrowful expression and a hardness tightened her lips. He wasn’t leaving her. She wouldn’t let him. It mustn’t happen. No one would walk away from her ever again. He’d beg her to take him back.
She’d make sure he never found happiness with anyone else, or, like the man whom she had truly loved and who had betrayed her, Ivor would be punished one day.
Ten
Ivor didn’t know where to go. He wanted desperately to go home, back to Marie and the children, but he couldn’t. After she had run away from him like a scared child, making clear her unwillingness to talk to him, there was even less chance of returning to them than before. Why hadn’t he stopped her? Made her face him? He wasn’t a criminal, he was just a man who had tried to reinvent his past. But that was impossible, he knew that now. Life is a mirror, reflecting all you become, and also revealing everything you have been. Facts about his childhood and his parentage couldn’t be pushed away like an unwelcome nightmare; they were only too real.
He found a room in a small hotel on the seafront and, after unpacking his clothes and sorting out those needing the attention of a dry-cleaning firm, he went to the office. At least there he had no need for pretence. What they saw was what they accepted.
With a reasonable wage, he had been able to find someone willing to tutor him to study previous examination papers in preparation for starting the accountancy course at night school in September. With nothing to do after work, no company and the need to lose his sorrows in something he worked even harder, enjoying the challenge ahead of him. His tutor praised him and assured him he would do well. It was little comfort when he had no one to please apart from the tutor and himself. He needed his family, and no matter how he tried he couldn’t see a way back to them without telling Marie the reason he had left. That would be a warning for her to send him away again.
He usually went out at lunchtime and had a sandwich and a cup of tea in one of the cafés on the edge of town. It was as he was returning to the office at ten to two that he saw Effie. He wasn’t surprised, although he was disappointed. He had hope
d she would accept his departure as final.
‘Where did you go?’ she asked as she ran towards him. ‘I searched for you until nearly nine o’clock, then I guessed you’d be in work so I went too, then at one o’clock I came back.’
‘Why?’ he asked coldly. ‘Didn’t you understand that I no longer want to share a room with you?’
‘Where are you staying? I bet it’ll cost more on your own than in our room.’
‘It doesn’t matter, I’ve found a place to stay on my own.’
‘You won’t be able to send as much money to your Marie, will you?’
He put his hands on her arms to move her gently out of the way to go into the office but she held him. ‘Please, Ivor, I think you misunderstood that night. I wasn’t trying to get into your bed, I was just trying to make you more comfortable.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I need a place on my own and you’ll be all right, the room is yours for a month, plenty of time to decide whether you want to stay or find somewhere else. Now, I have to go in, I have an appointment in fifteen minutes and I need to prepare.’
She stepped back and watched as he went inside, then turned away and hurried back to her own work. Her jaw was tight, her small eyes dark with anger. She walked with short, quick steps, pushing aside anyone who was in her way without a murmur of apology. This can’t be allowed to happen. Not again. Even though the situation wasn’t the same as the last time it was still rejection through no fault of her own, just someone else spoiling things.
That evening she went to see what was happening at Badgers Brook. She half expected to see Ivor there, welcomed back by his family like the prodigal son. Geoff was there. She guessed that from seeing his van parked at the end of the lane. Voices from the wood caused her to hide and she saw Marie and Violet running towards her screaming with pretend fright as they were followed by an elderly man wearing a headdress of branches and making stupid howls. The twin boys followed behind, adding to the din, enjoying the brief return to childhood from the lofty age of fifteen.
The House by the Brook Page 21