I wish I could tell you the truth. I wish I could tell you to leave. I drove to your dorm twice today. I know that’s fucking crazy. I sat in my car and tried to work up the courage to knock on your door. One day you’ll know the truth and if I fall back in this again promise me you’ll run. If you never remember anything else remember this: When all else fails, save yourself.
I love you. Please don’t hate me.
I shake my head. “What the hell does that even mean, Hayze?” I ball it into my fist, crumbling the pages with anger. At this point I can’t pretend that our relationship is healthy. All of the going back and forth is taking a toll on both us. Lea seems to be taken off guard by his erratic behavior and lately I’m wondering if I’m to blame for some of his new rebellion. Either way, this has to end.
sixteen
Three days passed before I could process that I hadn’t heard from Hayze. I jumped at every chance I could to work, pulling doubles and staying later. The day after Christmas I powered off my phone and shoved it into my drawer. I thought I could think without a distraction, without the constant fog that crowds my mind each time Hayze shoves his way into forgiveness.
The first two days he was gone I took time to cool off and clear my head, thinking he was doing the same. On the third day I had an unsettling feeling, but I went into work and shoved him out of my mind. When everyone asked where he was I lied, telling them he was with his brothers in Colorado. It sounded like a good idea until one of the bartenders told me he saw Hayze at one of Joel’s parties the night before. That day was the worst. I could no longer lie to myself. Hayze was avoiding me, and the truth is I should’ve been done long before this.
I keep waiting for him to show up, shoving his way into my dorm and picking a fight with me. At some point that became normal to me, I almost need to fight with Hayze like I need to breathe, because, without a fight, we’re nothing. I haven't checked my phone, but actions speak louder than words. And I'm getting the sinking feeling that he's moved on from our erratic relationship. I couldn't get him out of my dorm fast enough Christmas night, but now that I look back on it, replaying the night in my head; I wonder where the relationship went so horribly wrong.
I shake my head, clearing my thoughts and decide to walk down to the showers. Unlike me, most students have families that didn’t kick them out during the break. Once again I shower in privacy. When I get back I apply the bear minimal makeup just as my stomach lets out a growl. I slip on a pair of jeans and tug a tee over my head. I stow the clutter of paper in my desk drawer. The bar was closed today, leaving me with nothing better to do than draw out my schedule for the next semester.
After I grab a bite to eat, I run across the road and back into my dorm. My phone vibrates and I answer it without checking the screen, knowing who it is.
"What is it?" I huff, unlocking the door to my dim, unwelcoming room. I knew this would happen, although I thought it would be much sooner. I guess Hayze finally sobered up long enough to see he fucked up.
A soft female laugh greets me. "Is that anyway to greet your mother?"
Of course, I slap my palm to my forehead. "Sorry, I thought you were... I thought you were someone else," I say, hoping she doesn't push me on that.
"Hmm... I suspected that. I figured he wasn't picking up his sister at the airport," she laughs. "What's going on, Taylor?"
"Nothing... I mean, something is. I just don't know what." Although she can't see me, I force a smile, hoping it makes my voice sound peppy.
"You two argue a lot," she says without question. She can read me like an open book. I don't talk to my mom as much as I would like and my dad is to blame for that. I know she wouldn't run and tell him everything I say, but I would hate to cause any more problems between them.
"Yeah, sometimes we do."
"Well, I'm in the car alone so tell me about him. Tell me about the relationship," she urges.
I don’t want to get into this, but I know there’s no way to avoid it. Once my mom has her mind set she isn’t afraid to guilt me into it. I laugh once and toss my purse on my small bed. I crouch on my bed, arranging the pillows on the wall to get comfortable. We might be here for a while.
"I wish someone would fill me in on the relationship, too," I say, sighing. "There's never a dull moment. The thing is I never question my feelings for him. I question everything else though, like if we're even good for each other. But never my feelings, he brings out the best in me and the worst in me…sometimes at the same time. I know it wouldn't be like that if I didn't lo—you know.... Really care for him."
She hums, taking her time to respond. “I see. Your dad and I were like that at your age. And you know how that turned out. I'm not trying to scare you and I'm not trying to tell you how this thing with him will turn out... I guess what I'm trying to say is slow down. Be careful. I saw the look on your face when you didn't think he would make it for Christmas. It looked like the world had ended. I tried to be upbeat and positive for you because the last thing I want is your dad to find out. But don't turn that around, Taylor, I did that for you. Not your boyfriend. You shouldn't ever make up excuses or lie for a man. Don't get in the habit it of it, baby, that's a hard habit to break."
A single tear streaks down my face and pounds into my shirt. I swipe my eyes, refusing to cry anymore. "I know mom. I just didn't want to deal with dad. I don't make excuses for him," I assure her.
"Okay, baby," she says, trying to make her voice steady.
"I'm trying to keep my head straight. I know when I need to take a step back," I say.
"One more thing then I'll let you go," she says, ignoring my comment altogether. Her voice is calm but I don’t miss the urgent, underlining tone.
"Okay?" I chew on my lip anxiously.
“Your dad got the impression you're living with Hayze. He's in touch with the dorm manager. Just watch what you're doing," she breathes out.
"WHAT?!" I push off the bed and place my free hand on my hip.
"Baby, he said he's not going to help you out if you move in with a boy outside of marriage." I press my eyes shut, shaking my head. I knew he would pull something like this. He always does, and if he’s nothing else, he’s at least persistent; persistent at being an asshole.
"I don't need his help," I huff and pace around my small room like a caged animal.
"Your valedictorian scholarship only covers four semesters," she reminds me.
I want to bring up other scholarships, I had perfect grades in high school, and I know I’m more than qualified to receive university scholarships. Or even student loans just to avoid dealing with him any longer. But I keep everything to myself, the last thing I want to do is hurt my mom when she’s just trying to help.
"I'm not living with Hayze! I haven't seen him since Christmas night, mom! This is bullshit, if he's going to act like that, I don't need his help!" I say calmer than I thought it would come out.
"I didn't tell you that to upset you. I just want you to be careful and be smart," she says. “I don’t have a good feeling about this, Taylor. I really don’t.” She sighs into the phone and I drop my head. My last lifeline has given up.
Sighing, “Whose side are you on, mom?” I snap.
“The side that won’t leave you a broken mess when this thing is over,” she says.
My door flies open and I look away. “I just got back into my room. Let me call you back when I get settled,” I lie then end the call.
A pang of disappointment shoots through me when Lea breezes through the door. Annoyed by my reaction, I go over the top with my welcome. “You’re home,” I shout as I wrap my arms around her thin frame.
She looks at me quizzically. “Maybe I should leave more often?” She laughs and hugs me back. I take a step back and wait for her to fill me in on the trip to Colorado. After she sets her bags on the bed, she sits down and crosses her legs to get comfortable.
“How was it?” I urge when she doesn’t say anything.
She rolls her eyes while she
checks her phone. “Umm, good, other than it being cut short,” she says.
I wrinkle my nose. “Short? You stayed a day later,” I say, with a short lived laugh. She catches herself, throws down her phone and crosses the room to sit by me.
“Yeah, I told you Christmas night I was coming home. And Hayze told you…?”
I avoid her eyes and look around the room. She’s so happy and I don’t want to sour her mood with our drama. “I haven’t talked to him a lot in the last few days.”
She rolls her eyes, “Yeah… Hey let’s catch up over some coffee?” Her eyes widen with hope, and I agree. I don’t feel like leaving the room, but I know at some point I have to get over it. I grab my purse and my phone before we leave our dorm.
There’s a text from my mom.I’m sorry Taylor, I really am. If I don’t do anything else for you, I want to encourage you to be positive; because you may not always have the opportunity to be.
My heart hurts for her when she says things like that, I know she’s really saying that she hopes I don’t end up like her. Lea asks me if I’m ready and I nod as I follow her out. I shove my phone in my pocket without responding to my mom. We walk across campus to our usual coffee shop, Lea orders me to sit while she gets our drinks.
That’s when I spot him sitting with Joel and some girl. I begin to walk across the coffee shop and he looks up. All color drains from his face, he looks over at his friends, pretending I'm not here. I could walk away from him without another word. But I think I owe myself more than that. I stalk in his direction and this time when looks up, he stands and walks to me.
"Where have you been?" I waste no time with pointless greetings. He seems so off, his spark is missing. He doesn't smile or tease me. He looks like he hasn't slept in days.
“Around," he says. He shrugs and rubs the back of his head as he looks around the coffee shop.
"Yeah...everywhere except work and my dorm."
"Do we have to do this?" He asks, exasperated. I have to stop and count to ten, reminding myself I’m in public. I don’t want to cause a huge scene.
"I think you owe me an explanation, Hayze! You don't get to just decide it's over and never speak to me again!"
He looks at me with wide eyes. "It's not over...I just, I've been busy." He knows I'm not buying it. He takes my wrist in his hands and leads me outside. The temperature dropped today and no one’s sitting on the patio, giving us the privacy we need.
"You were fine until I came along..." He sits down in a chair and looks through me.
"You're not making any sense," I say, sitting across from him.
"I am; for the first time in my life. Hear me out, it actually makes sense. You were doing fine and I fucked everything up for you. When I woke up after getting so drunk that night, I knew something had to change...So I left." He shrugs as if it’s a simple solution.
I laugh without humor. "Something had to change? So instead of making the effort to let me in or change, you just completely write me off?"
"God Damnit Taylor, it isn't like that. Stop putting words in my mouth!"
"Then tell me what it's like!"
"You'll hate me soon enough anyways. Why not just step out now?"
"You're making zero sense, Hayze! You said it isn't over now you're talking like we're done...like you're leaving me as a favor."
He doesn’t say anything; not a word. I watch him as he rests his face in his hands. I can hear my own fast, ragged breathing and I try to calm down. I drag my chair out and stand up, hoping he’ll look up. “Let me make this easy for you! Fuck you!" I say and start to walk off.
He snaps up. "See! Like that! You wouldn't have said shit like that before I came around. You wouldn't do half of the things you do...and you don't know half of it."
"You didn't know me before! I was going to be like this with or without you," I say.
I don’t wait to see what happens next. I walk away, keeping my pace even. It would be easy to run away, but people are already watching us. I hear Lea call out to me, I don’t turn around I keep walking to the dorms. Once I’m inside the lobby I run down the hallway and slam the door shut. Before I have time to set my things on the table, the door swings open, slamming into the wall behind it.
“You never give me enough time to explain myself, that’s one of the many things you do that piss me the fuck off. Should I go on?” Hayze continues the fight as soon as he walks in my room.
“If you’re going to do this, you need to leave. That shouldn’t be hard for you anyways…You seem to like leaving!” I throw my hands up, glaring at him. I know I’m acting immature, but he brings that out in me.
“If you were listening earlier you’d know I said I didn’t want to. I did that for you!”
“Don’t pretend like you did that for anyone but yourself,” I say. I sit on my bed and look up at him. He doesn’t look like he’s leaving anytime soon. He kicks off his shoes and sits beside me without asking. “W-What are you doing?” I ask, hesitantly.
“Sitting beside you…After Lea left, I started thinking a lot.” He falls back on my bed, tucking his hands behind his head; he stares at my dated ceiling. He looks relaxed now, not ready for a fight and I exhale a sigh of relief. “I kept telling her I was done; I was leaving you alone. But being Lea, she told me a hundred times that she was going to pick you up and take you to get coffee. Telling me it would be nice if I’d stop by…She’s the only person that gets under my skin more than you.”
I swat his arm playfully and he laughs. For a brief moment we’re what we used to be. No fighting, no secrets, just teasing and flirting. But my anxious mind doesn’t let me stay there long, I snap back into reality when I remember he told Lea all week that he was done with me.
I fake a yawn, dramatically patting my mouth and wiping my eyes. “Can you hurry up? I’m getting sleepy—”
He snorts, “Nice try. I tried so fucking hard to stay away. It’s ridiculous when you work with the person you’re avoiding. My mom asked where you were every single day…If my phone would go off; she would have to make a stupid ass comment about you. What you were saying and shit…I never told her.”
“You’re getting off track,” I say, trying to sound firm.
“I couldn’t get Joseph out of my head, the way your dad threw him in my face. Like he knew that’s who you would end up with and he wanted me to know. And it hit me, that’s who you should be with…”
I look at him like he’s insane. His eyes meet mine and they’re sincere, he truly believes what he’s saying. “Your big, life changing revelation is that I should get back with my ex-boyfriend?” I laugh loudly.
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not like that…I’m afraid you’ll hate me. You should be with someone your family likes, too. Not someone…like me.”
“It’s just my dad, and he will literally never be happy. It doesn’t matter who I’m dating…And besides I tried that for eighteen years, you know? It wasn’t really my thing…”
The corners of his mouth quirk; this beautiful, scarred boy just needs to be reminded how much I actually need him in my life. Maybe he goes about it the wrong way, but I’m not exactly innocent in our relationship. He rises, inches from my face and tucks a stray hair behind my ears. When his soft, amber eyes find mine, I know I can’t hold onto my anger. He smiles, knowing what he does to me, his dimples are full force.
“Are you really going to sleep?” He asks.
I shake my head once. “No, I was pissed and wanted you to leave.”
He leans in slightly, his lips brush against mine and I steady my breathing. “And now? Do you still want me to leave?”
“I don’t want you to leave. But you probably should,” I say.
Confusion casts over his face while he searches mine. He pushes himself from the bed, the mattress gives in to the sudden movement and I lose my balance. For a moment I think he’s going to apologize, but the sincerity is replaced by a scowl. “Do you have someone coming over?”
“WHAT?”
I stand, knowing I can’t sit anymore. “Yeah, I said you should probably go, not because I don’t want you to stay, but because this happens every single time.”
To my surprise my voice is calm. His shoulders slump and he runs his hands through his tangled hair. From the look on his face, you would think he had just physically hurt me. I know he’s sorry, I know he’s insecure, and the logical part of me knows that with everything he’s been through, this is normal. But I don’t know if I can drag myself down anymore to help him. And besides, how can you actually help someone that refuses help? He’s told me he won’t talk to a professional, he won’t talk to me anymore and I know there’s so much more that needs to be said. I know there’s huge life changing factors that he hasn’t told me. I know I could be with him if he was willing to change, willing to talk to me, but I don’t know if he is.
“Fuck,” he groans. He rubs his face and falls back on my bed. I don’t move and I don’t say anything, I wait for his apology or explanation. Anything he can do to stall, I know he wants to stay with me, but he can’t stop finding excuses to pick a fight. “Why didn’t you just say that?” He complains, he lifts his hand from his face, peaking at me.
“I shouldn’t have to explain myself. Normal couples don’t do that…You’re going to have to tone the jealous boyfriend thing down. Just a tad,” I say, holding my thumb and finger up.
“Fuck normal,” he grumbles with a smile on his face. He stares at the ceiling, thinking. He sits up, eyeing me. “Boyfriend? So do this mean…?”
“It just slipped,” I say, blushing.
Throughout this roller coaster of a relationship, we really haven’t labeled ourselves. It just slipped carelessly from my mouth, and it couldn’t have worse timing. His grin is smug, almost tantalizing as he walks to me. He knows I meant it, whether I want to admit it to myself, I did mean it. His arms wrap around my middle, tugging me closer. I know I should move away from his touch. But he’s a constant storm in my life, clouding my head, ensuring I make bad decisions. He doesn’t do it on purpose, he knows we’re not good for each other, but there’s something about us that makes us fight back harder, thinking we can overcome it. He kisses me lightly and pulls back, watching me, waiting for me to make the first move.
Hazed (Hazed & Unfazed #1) Page 17