by Sue Watson
‘Aren’t you cold?’ I asked Jody, unsure how to join in on this hot-tub action.
‘No, that’s the… point. It’s a hot tub, get in,’ she slurred, waving her arms around, almost hitting Lola, who didn’t seem to notice – she was too busy having an intimate conversation with one of the male guests.
‘And before you ashk… yes, I’ve been on the orgasms again.’ Jody and Kate were now laughing so hard they inadvertently went underwater.
‘Jody says you hooked up with that guy again,’ Kate spluttered, coming up for air. I could see through the steam she was holding a flute of champagne high, and I was reminded of being in the Maldives with Tim. It had been such a romantic place I’d suggested we drink champagne in the pool, but he wouldn’t. ‘That would be dangerous, Jennifer. Deep water and alcohol don’t mix,’ he’d said.
‘Have you had a good time with that hunky ski instructor… you cooooogar?’ Jody was calling loudly from the bubbles.
I smiled and they all made a loud whooping noise, and one of the guys in the hot tub said, ‘Go, Jenny!’ I just felt embarrassed and all I could think was ‘deep alcohol and water don’t mix’. Perhaps Jody was right and Tim had brainwashed me?
They all carried on laughing and drinking and splashing, and I went back inside and found the bag with my new underwear in. I took out the purple bra, put it on with the matching pants, wrapped myself in a towel and walked out onto the balcony.
‘Okay, okay, we know. You’re trying to sleep, Jen, and we’re making too much noise – don’t worry, we’ll keep it down for the pensioner,’ Jody sighed. I had sometimes asked that they keep the noise down if I had an early start, and I had an early start the next day, but when was I going to get the chance to drink cold champagne in a hot tub with my friends?
‘I’m not a bloody pensioner. Budge up, Jody,’ I said, dropping the towel and climbing in. The air was icy and the shock of the hot water made me yelp slightly as I slowly lowered myself down into the heaven that was the hot tub. Jody was pleasantly surprised that I was joining in, and Kate was clearly delighted.
‘Bloody hell, Jen, get in and get some of this champers down you,’ she said, offering me a high five with one hand and a glass with the other. I struggled a bit with this. I’ve never been dextrous, and I high fived the champagne and grabbed her hand, but once we’d sorted that out I sipped my drink and told everyone about my day in Saas Fee. They loved hearing all about it and sitting in the hot, bubbly water I began to feel part of things. ‘So what does a girl have to do to get another glass of fizz around here?’ I asked, finishing off my drink within seconds and waving my glass in the air. They all laughed and Lola poured more icy fizz into my flute – as I shared everything.
‘So you can imagine why he was a little odd with me when I whipped open Jody’s fur coat saying, “Look, I’m normal,” and all he saw was pretty much my underwear!’ I said, telling them all about Jon’s reaction to Lola’s transparent dress.
‘I’ve had better reactions in that dress, I have to tell ya,’ Lola said, laughing.
I described the village, Jon’s blue eyes, his strong hands and his lovely smile. I talked them through his accent, everything he said and how all this had happened in the Christmas location of my eight-year-old dreams.
‘Oh God! Yes I remember the “Last Christmas” video,’ Kate said. She found it on her phone and as she passed it round for us to see the snowy landscape, I heard the opening chords and felt that frisson of Christmas. George Michael, Andrew Ridgeley, Pepsi and Shirley and all their friends at the ski lift, and then all round a Christmas table in a great big house in Saas Fee, warm and bright inside, snow falling outside. And I stopped a moment. I felt like I was currently living in a video just like that. I’d always dreamed of living a life filled with snow, fizz, food and friends at Christmas, and at almost forty-one years old, I was starring in it.
‘And before you ask, no he hasn’t asked to see me again,’ I said.
‘Who does that any more?’ Lola said.
I smiled as Lola winked and poured me another drink before leaning in. ‘Did you sleep with him?’
‘When, tonight? No, we just went for dinner… Lola, I hardly know him.’
‘That doesn’t mean anything. I hardly knew my first husband, but we had sex one afternoon and I married him the next.’
‘Well, sex wasn’t on the menu, I’m afraid. We spent most of the evening in a restaurant surrounded by other people.’
‘Since when has a full restaurant stopped anyone having sex?’ Lola said incredulously. ‘You are hilarious, Jen… all I’ll say is The Hungry Horse, September 2009 – I got a large portion of crispy onion rings afterwards.’
I didn’t ask; I didn’t need any more details.
‘Well, I’d like a relationship, but I don’t want sex… or crispy onion rings,’ I said with a giggle. ‘Anything that happens here is like a holiday romance – I’m only here for the season, we live in different countries… it just can’t happen.’
‘Can’t happen? I give you Magaluf 1999, New Year’s Eve – me, a water cannon and a buff dancer called JJ…’ Lola was off on another trip down her sexual memory lane.
‘No, I’m not going to get involved. It’s too bloody painful when it ends – and with this kind of geography involved – trust me, it would end,’ I sighed.
‘Suit yourself. Distance relationships can be testing but worth the effort, as can male dancers with taut thighs and hard upper bodies… but I digress.’
‘Well, I’m not going to think too much about men with taut thighs,’ I joked. ‘I’m just going to enjoy being in a lovely snowy place over the Christmas season and if fate wants to intervene then that’s good enough for me. And I really don’t mind that he didn’t ask to see me again.’ I realised by now I was lying to myself. I liked him, I was here working for a little while longer and it would be wonderful to spend time together, but perhaps he didn’t feel the same.
‘He didn’t ask to see you? Well, didn’t you ask to see him?’ Jody asked, apparently amazed at my lack of chutzpah.
‘No, I didn’t. The man has to ask.’ But before I’d finished speaking there was a roar of disapproval from the tub.
‘Ooh, and I suppose the man decides when you’ll have sex and when you’ll eat your dinner too?’ Jody said.
‘Look, it’s just me – I couldn’t bring myself to ask a guy. I’ve always waited for them to ask… it’s just the way things are.’
‘Is that what Tim told you – that the lady has to wait for the man?’ Jody asked, shaking her head.
‘Tim? Who’s Tim?’ I said. At this, Jody gave me a high five, which I managed this time.
‘Yeah exactly,’ Lola said. ‘You’re a strong woman, Jen. I never met Tim, but I can’t understand how someone like you would put up with someone like him. I mean, we’ve all been there and being with a domineering man doesn’t have to mean whips and chains and pain. Unless of course we want it to…’
I laughed, but what Lola said did make me think about why I’d put up with Tim. I think we all have times in our lives when we make choices. Sometimes those choices are wrong for us, but we don’t always realise until it’s too late.
‘Now is your time, Jen,’ Jody was saying.
‘I agree, and I really do want to grab it, Jody. I like Jon, but I’m not going to chase him – if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.’
‘Ahhhh,’ Kate and Jody chorused.
‘Sod that,’ Jody suddenly said. ‘You can’t live your life waiting for fate – trust me, she has a way of letting you down.’
We went to bed that night and I lay in the dark, knowing they all meant well, but thankful for the peace their sleep brought. I was awake for hours just thinking about Jon and his lovely smile and the way he said ‘vonderful’… and just hoping against hope I did bump into him. I know it sounds silly, but I really did believe in fate and had this strong feeling I’d see him again.
Chapter 9
Seven Chris
tmas Orgasms and Sex in the Snow
The next day we were busy at The Ski Bunny and it was late afternoon when I finally managed to get a break.
I took a drink out onto the terrace and marvelled at where I was. I could be sitting in the library now in a big cardi playing a game of ‘librarian charades’ with one of our older readers who would ask things like, ‘Do you have that book with the blue cover by that famous author?’ Instead, I was drinking hot chocolate on a terrace in Switzerland, people watching on a morning lit by snow.
The hot chocolate was very strong and topped with the fluffiest cream and baby pink mallows, and I felt happy and relaxed. I thought of Jon for the millionth time that day, going over everything he’d said in my head. I could still feel his kiss on my lips, and my heart leapt every time I caught sight of a cobalt ski suit. Today there seemed to be hundreds of ski instructors wearing the resort’s blue suit, but sadly none of them were him.
The rest of the day dragged a little and after work we were tired, but instead of going back to the chalet I joined the girls in the bar, drinking lurid cocktails and flirting with unsuitable men – we called it ‘après ski’. Lola’s ‘après’ lasted longer than the others – she disappeared with a guy around 6 p.m. and didn’t return until midnight.
‘So, Lola – you didn’t exactly play hard to get this afternoon,’ Jody said later as the four of us sat in the hot tub.
‘Neither did he,’ she answered. ‘We had a good time, no strings, no messy love stuff, just a few toys, good old-fashioned fun and a big cigar afterwards.’
‘Ew, he smoked?’
‘No, I had the cigar,’ she said.
I had to admire Lola. She took what she wanted from life and threw away the wrapper. There was no aftermath, and no self-doubt.
‘Lola, you really have got it sussed,’ I said. ‘There’s me fretting about what I should have said, what I should have done and I only kissed Jon. I’m worried I was being too pushy – I keep asking myself if I should have held back.’
‘Why the hell should anyone hold back?’ she said, almost dropping her champagne glass in shock. ‘I don’t know why you feel like they are doing you such a big favour. Men don’t hold all the power – we do – and the sooner we all realise that the better. You’ve been with some guy for ten years who told you a story that just wasn’t true – now it’s time to write your own story.’
‘That’s why you should take things easy with Jon,’ Jody started. ‘I’ve told you before, and I know I’m younger than you and you’re cleverer than me, but sometimes I’m amazed at your naïvety.’
‘Ha… you’re kidding, aren’t you?’ I said, a little put out at this.
‘No. I can be immature, but I’m not naïve when it comes to men, but you love being in love. Trouble is, you want to be loved so much that you create this whole world where he’s perfect, when often he isn’t. Life isn’t picture perfect, Jen, and you can’t paint it to be how you want it to be. It’s like you’re scared of being on your own so much you’ll put up with anything… anyone and tell yourself and everyone else it’s great,’ she said, reaching out and putting her hot, wet arm around me.
‘I can see that now, and yes you’re right, I probably am naïve. When Tim dumped me last year my darkest thoughts were about being alone – not being without Tim.’
‘Exactly, so don’t just jump at the first guy who comes along and is nice to you.’
‘Jody, that isn’t the case – honestly, I’m not building up this thing with Jon, so don’t nag me.’ I smiled and reached for the bottle of fizz behind me and we toasted strong women.
It was okay for Jody. She was only in her twenties – she didn’t know how it felt to lie awake at night and feel life creeping up on you then fading just as quickly in your forties like a dying flame. It made you want to settle for what you had in case there wasn’t anything else out there – but spending a short time with Jon had shown me that there was still so much out there for me. I’d spent a year on my own and coming away to a new life was teaching me that the world was a big place and this ‘bigger’ life I was leading made my life with Tim feel very small. Being with the girls, meeting new people and doing different things had opened up my horizons. I liked Jon, and if we spent more time together it would be wonderful, but I didn’t need a man to make me happy or complete – I was beginning to believe in me again.
Jody was right. I hadn’t seen it so clearly before, but I had been vulnerable when I met Tim and instead of giving me confidence, allowing me to develop and fulfil myself within the relationship, he’d pushed me down, kept me vulnerable, filled me with self-doubt and made me scared to live my life. He hadn’t helped me in any way to recover from my childhood, merely exacerbated my vulnerability and low self-esteem.
‘I remember one Christmas Dad asked me if I’d like to go and see Father Christmas in Lewis’s department store,’ I started. I couldn’t look at Jody; I just continued to talk. ‘I was twelve by then. I knew Father Christmas didn’t exist, he was just an old man in a fake beard sitting in Lewis’s grotto, and I said, “No way.” But I wanted to see Dad… I longed to see him, but out of loyalty to Mum I said I didn’t want to go with him.’ I looked at Jody. ‘That Christmas he sent me a voucher through the post – I thought he couldn’t even be bothered to try and see me. You were born the following April. Looking back now I suppose he’d wanted to tell me about the new baby – about you.’
I’d misunderstood my dad all these years, and it had caused me to doubt his love and doubt myself. Someone like Tim had compounded these feelings of being unworthy, and it was only now I was beginning to see the light and become the stronger, more confident me who’d always been there, waiting in the wings for her time.
Jody raised her eyebrows. ‘That makes me feel bad – that me being born was the end for you and Dad.’
‘No, don’t. I overreacted, but I was just a kid. I blame the grown-ups – they handled it badly. No one prepared me for you. But in the last few months, Jody, I’ve realised how lucky I am to have you in my life.’
She smiled.
‘I just feel sad that we didn’t get to spend much time together when we were younger,’ I sighed. ‘Dad would invite me over, suggest I spend holidays with you – but I felt like I was betraying my mum… I was very torn.’ Mum wasn’t openly hostile to the idea of me going off on holiday with Dad’s ‘new family’, as she referred to Jody and her mum, but it was clear how she felt. I understood her feelings. We were close and even at my young age I related to her feelings of betrayal. I suppose if I’m honest I think we both harboured a secret wish that one day he’d just come home and we could carry on as a family – the fact that she called them ‘Dad’s new family’ suggested a temporary status, like he’d plucked them from a clothes rail and could just as easily put them back when he was finished.
‘Anyway, I’m glad we’re doing this… spending time… and especially Christmas together,’ I said. ‘I feel stronger now. I can still drink and dance until dawn, if I want to, but the key here is “want”. If I don’t want to, I don’t. No one tells me what to do or makes me feel guilty for not doing it. I love being with you and the girls, and yet at the same time I enjoy doing what I want to do. I’m not a people pleaser these days – I’m more of a Jenny pleaser.’
‘Good for you – but I still think you need to let go a little. You still haven’t been down the luge.’ She raised her eyebrows and looked at me. ‘You’re old, but you’re not an OAP, Jen.’ And she laughed.
‘I’m older,’ I said in my big-sister voice. I hadn’t had much opportunity to use it over the years, and I liked how it sounded. ‘You can thrash around nightclubs and date different guys, but I have mature tastes. I need something more sophisticated, more cerebral. These days, a night out for me doesn’t necessarily involve drinking and dancing on tables until I fall off, Jody.’
Fast forward to the following evening when, after seven Christmas Orgasms and a Sex in the Snow, I’m screaming, ‘Do they
know it’s Christmas…?’ at the top of my voice while balancing on a precarious table in the middle of the On the Piste nightclub and bar. I’d also been down the luge six times and gone round the club twice on somebody’s back – so perhaps I’d spoken too soon about being mature. Perhaps there was still some fun to be had… even for an ‘OAP’ like me?
Chapter 10
Lola’s Dangerous Pants
Staggering back to the chalet at three in the morning, the four of us clung on to each other in the snow. Fortunately it was packed down with no fresh snowfall for us to sink into – which was just as well because we were all in Christmas jumpers, all singing Christmas songs – and all very, very drunk.
‘It’s been like old times,’ Jody said, laughing as we arrived back and fell onto our beds.
Later, as I lay in bed, I let the madness of the evening wash over me. It had been a wonderful night, but something had been missing – Jon? I longed to call him, but I didn’t have his number, and it was probably just as well – I’d had too much to drink and was likely to profess undying love, or lust, and that wouldn’t be good. But I felt excited: so much had happened – not just the place, the people, the fancy dress and Jon – but I felt different inside.
This was a different Jen to the one who’d sat waiting expectantly for Tim to propose, for Tim to take a decision on my life – and a different Jen to the one who’d boarded the plane for Switzerland just two months before.
I’d learned a lot about myself – that I could be grown up, mature, sensible and in control of my own life – but that didn’t mean I couldn’t sing out loud or dance on tables. The two things weren’t mutually exclusive.
The following morning I woke with one hell of a hangover and headed straight for the kitchen and a large cup of caffeine. But feeling rough and not being as supple as perhaps I once was, I entered the kitchen and slipped on a pair of Lola’s silk pants. I was halfway across the kitchen, clinging to the counter and calling for help for several minutes before Jody finally arrived.