by Sue Watson
We lay in comfortable silence for a long time. I was happy we’d had this time together, but it was tinged with sadness, because I knew if anything this could only ever be a holiday romance. We were just two wounded people finding each other in the snow, so I didn’t dwell on the future, or compare it to the past. I lived in the now, pouring two large glasses of wine and smiling as we chinked them together.
He got up and began to look through his jacket pockets, retrieving a paper bag filled with gingerbread and handing it to me.
‘My favourite,’ I said, opening up the bag and just breathing in the delicious spicy scent.
‘I wish you could taste my gingerbread. My father used to bake it, and I have the recipe… one day perhaps?’
I nodded. It was sad to be with someone whose life was lived so far away from mine. If Jon’s home was down the road and we were on a date it would be so different – it would feel like so much more. But we were both from different worlds, and we just had to make the best of what we had, here and now. I hoped he felt the same and wanted to spend time with me while I was here. We both knew that this could only last a short time, maybe even only a matter of days, but it didn’t matter. I had to start living for now and not worry about tomorrow – that’s what Jody and the girls kept telling me. And then we kissed again in front of the crackling log fire, carols playing and the snow falling outside. This was the Christmas I’d always dreamed of. It wasn’t planned, it hadn’t been shopped for and I hadn’t had time to consider what the musical accompaniment of choice would be. Yet here it was, the perfect picture, the perfect man in the most perfect setting – and I hadn’t done a thing; I’d just let it happen.
We snuggled together, just talking and kissing, but it was and always will be one of the most romantic, most wonderful evenings of my life – it was pure bliss.
‘A match made in heaven,’ I said, sipping the wine then chewing on the delicious biscuit.
‘I am thinking if there’s a recipe for red wine and gingerbread?’ he said.
‘I suppose it’s called Glühwein.’ I smiled.
‘Ah yes, I will try to make Glühwein biscuits one day… I will let you know what they taste like.’
‘Yes do,’ I said, knowing that he probably wouldn’t, because by the time ‘one day’ came and he made the biscuits he’d have forgotten all about me. He’d be with someone else, and I’d be alone again, and for me his Glühwein biscuits would simply be a reminder of what might have been and a like on Facebook.
Later we said goodbye, and though I tried not to let myself get carried away, I hoped he might ask to see me again as we kissed in the doorway. And when he didn’t I decided to take fate into my own hands.
‘Would you like to meet for dinner tomorrow? Or the day after?’ I asked.
We were mid-embrace and I felt him pull away slightly. ‘I can’t, Jenny – I’m really sorry, I’m busy all weekend.’
Despite trying desperately to convince myself this was only a holiday romance, I knew differently. I couldn’t help it – my heart had been thawed and I was falling hard for this man, and it hurt me so much when he pulled away. I wanted more – I wanted to ask what he was keeping from me, why he could go from being warm and open to cold and detached, not wanting to reveal himself. I couldn’t push. I daren’t ask what he was concealing from me because I was still protecting myself from being hurt again and perhaps I didn’t want to know?
He left soon after, and when he’d gone I felt cold, like the roaring log fire had gone out and all the fairy lights had fused and my heart was the last one flickering in the darkness. What the hell was going on with him?
Chapter 12
Bail Early, with Diamonds
I’d had a wonderful evening with Jon, but his rather abrupt departure and the vague way he referred to being busy all weekend had left me feeling very uneasy.
I tried to rationalise it to myself, putting the whole thing into perspective – but somehow things weren’t adding up. I didn’t expect him to give me forensic details of his every move – but surely a quick ‘I’m working’ or ‘I’m out with friends’ would have been softer than the pulling away and the vague but determined ‘busy’ he’d offered me? I understood that he had a life of his own, and I certainly didn’t want to fall into the ‘needy’ trap I’d fallen into before – so I hadn’t pushed for anything more and after a final kiss he’d disappeared into the white night.
It was late when the girls returned from their après ski and I appreciated that they’d stayed out late for me, but I suddenly didn’t want to be alone with my swirling thoughts. I wanted to talk and they were keen to know all that had happened. I felt like I had as a teenager when a boy at school had asked me out and all my friends had phoned me for details. Being in the company of these girls had changed me, and instead of resenting their drunken laughter and noisy, nosy enquiries about Jon, I welcomed them.
‘Thank you, yes, I had a great time… he’s lovely,’ I said, opening another bottle of wine. I would need to start drinking if I wanted to catch up with them – they were singing Christmas songs and Lola had mistletoe firmly fastened to her cleavage. I didn’t ask.
‘So are you seeing him again? Or are you just a one-night stand?’ Kate asked with her usual candour.
‘Who knows? And who cares? All I know is I had a wonderful time.’ I looked at Jody. ‘I’m living for today, just as you said,’ I said, smiling.
‘Yay! You go, girl. Love ’em and leave ’em, that’s what I say.’
‘Yes, but be careful and carry condoms,’ I said in my big-sister voice.
‘Gee thanks, Jen. Shame you weren’t around when I was young enough to need that advice.’ She laughed. ‘I’ve seen a cute guy myself, got talking to him tonight and he’s funny, easy on the eye – I think he’s Canadian, but I’m not rushing into anything.’
‘Good. I’m glad… I don’t want you to go down the same stupid road that I did.’
‘Jen, you must be kidding. I’ve learned from your mistakes, like little sisters do – I swear the next time I go out with anyone I’ll have a ball and bail early… with diamonds.’
I had to smile. I liked the idea that Jody was my ‘little’ sister and had learned from my mistakes – but it was like she came from a different world. Despite my disappointment in love I was the optimist, always hoping this time would be different – a fairy tale where it all ended happily ever after, which was ridiculous at my age. But here was Jody who never talked happy endings but saw engagement rings like they were an insurance policy. Who was I to criticise? At least she’d get to keep the ring and a bit of herself – while I’d spent almost a year getting over being dumped with not even the sniff of a ring.
‘I can be romantic, but my head isn’t filled with confetti,’ she said, sitting on the sofa, curling her legs under her. ‘I just know that nothing is perfect – and once you know that, then you can relax, because there are no surprises further down the line.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ I sighed, walking through from the kitchen area with two glasses of wine. Inside, a little part of me was disagreeing with her. I so wanted to believe that there was such a thing as the perfect relationship, the perfect ending, the perfect Christmas.
‘You’re so much wiser than me, Jody, but try and join me on the other side of the rose-tinted glass now and then?’ I smiled, handing her a glass of wine and sitting next to her.
‘No, thank you. That rose-coloured monocle you carry around makes you very vulnerable to disappointment,’ she said, taking a sip. ‘I bet you’re already thinking about what kind of ring this Jon will buy you, and I bet you’ve designed the bloody dress in your head.’ She laughed affectionately.
‘No, I haven’t. How dare you,’ I said in mock anger.
‘I love you, Jen. I don’t want some tosser taking you for a ride again.’
‘Don’t worry – I learned my lesson. And as for Jon, it’s not even a holiday romance at the moment. I’m not even sure if I’ll see h
im again – he just wandered off into the snow. I don’t know anything about him, so don’t worry about me getting carried away… but you would look lovely in pistachio green as my maid of honour.’
She threw a cushion at me.
‘I was joking.’
‘Not funny.’ She smiled indulgently at me and I thought how lucky I was to have someone who cared so much about me.
‘But as you say, you don’t know anything about him, so please tread carefully, babes.’
My heart jolted a little. She was right. He could be telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. On paper it was good, perfect even – so why had I had that funny feeling as he’d left? Yet despite my mental turmoil, trying to work out what could possibly make him be this way, I was convinced he cared about me. He had such tenderness in his eyes, and the way he kissed me made me feel wonderful, like I’d never felt before. Surely if we had the connection I thought we had, we could talk and he could share this with me?
We chatted more and drank a little more and then Lola appeared in her towel demanding we all have ‘a girls’ hot tub’. I was about to say no; I was tired and they were all tipsier than me. It would be loud and messy, like a big, hot, alcoholic girl soup.
But it would also be fun and just the thing to lift my gloom over Jon. I stripped to my underwear and threw myself into the tub on the balcony… which hadn’t been heated and was freezing. And I screamed. A lot. And as I screamed I saw Jon waving from down below. ‘You okay, Jen?’ He was alarmed, and who could blame him?
‘I’m fine… just fine…’ I called, emerging from the sub-zero water in my underwear, the light on the balcony revealing everything.
He was now standing under the balcony, and I couldn’t help but think of Romeo and Juliet – and how it couldn’t be further from the teenage love tryst as I leaned over, all big pants and goosebumps.
‘Why are you here?’ I called through the thick, cold air.
‘I want to… I was just going to see Hans, my friend. He has my keys,’ he said.
‘Oh… okay.’ I couldn’t help but feel he’d hesitated when he answered me. Was he telling the truth and, if not, what was he really doing walking through the snow past our chalet after midnight? ‘Night,’ I said, a shadow now hovering over me that I tried to shake off.
‘Hi there,’ Lola called as she arrived on the balcony in full metal jacket – leopard-skin swimming costume and matching hair accessories. I noted her cleavage was still decorated with mistletoe. This girl never clocked off.
She was now leaning over the balcony rail next to me to see who I was talking to.
‘I didn’t realise you were under us,’ she roared, laughing at this, which was lost in translation for Jon, thank goodness.
‘I have mistletoe and would offer you a Christmas kiss, but it’s not quite Christmas and I think Jen’s got that covered,’ she said, smiling.
I looked out at Jon standing in the snow. I couldn’t see his face. He’d moved away as Lola and Kate had appeared, said ‘Goodnight ladies,’ and set off through the snow.
‘Well, that’s the last I’ll see of him,’ I said. ‘Thanks, Lola… and it was all going so well.’
In spite of everything I’d told myself about not appearing clingy or needy, I couldn’t leave it like this, so I rushed downstairs and threw open the front door.
‘JON,’ I called loudly into the white night.
After a few seconds he reappeared, walking slowly back and greeting me at the front door with a warm hug.
‘You okay?’ I asked.
He nodded.
‘I just wondered if everything is good between us… you and me?’
‘Yes, yes of course – it’s better than good for me.’
‘Oh, me too and if you want to talk… any time, I’m here to listen,’ I said, hoping to prompt him into telling me what kept him away some weekends. ‘You seem reluctant to tell me about… some aspects of your life,’ I said, walking the tightrope between finding out and being too pushy and scaring him away.
‘I really like you, Jenny… I just need some time.’
My heart did a little jolt. Did he want space too? What was he saying exactly?
‘Do you want to finish… this? Me and you?’ I asked, holding my breath, my heart stuck somewhere in my gullet.
‘No, I just need to have the time before we talk.’ He smiled and kissed me on the lips. ‘I will call you tomorrow, Jenny, yes?’
I nodded, unable to speak, tears filling up my eyes and confusion twisting around my head and heart.
Chapter 13
Uncle Albert and the Flirty Goddess
I had the weekend off so I pottered around the chalet for a while, and the girls set off to the slopes in their sunglasses looking like the cast of Reservoir Dogs. I couldn’t stop thinking about Jon, and I needed to be distracted from the maelstrom in my head, so I settled down with my drink and called Storm. She’d posted a picture of Mrs Christmas on Facebook the previous night and it had made me a little homesick. I just wanted to know everything was okay at home.
‘Oh my love, how are you?’ she said.
We chatted for a while about Mrs Christmas and work before Storm brought up a recent Tarot reading she’d done for me. I sighed. I still wasn’t sure I believed in all that stuff, but sometimes when I was worried or confused, wondering which path to take, Storm’s readings helped me sort stuff out in my head.
‘Really?’ This was interesting, even if it wasn’t true I liked it.
‘Oh… I have met someone actually, but I doubt it’s…’
‘Oops sorry, love,’ she said, before I could finish. ‘That was for June from the cake shop. I’m getting her by mistake. My chakras are everywhere at the moment.’
So are mine now,’ I said. ‘Storm, I just wondered if you’re getting anything for me – it’s just that this guy… I think he may be hiding something.’
‘Oh that is a tricky one. . Mmmm okay… I did get something via Uncle Albert and the angels yesterday, but they can be a little sassy on a Friday.’
‘Wouldn’t you know it… What did they say?’ I asked absently, sipping my hot chocolate with one hand and holding the phone with the other.
‘Well… I won’t repeat what Uncle Albert said because it was quite rude, but the cards that concerned me are the eight of wands and the hanged man.’
‘Oh great, the hanged man… I’m going to be wiped out in a tragic tobogganing accident?’
‘No. You are being told to pause and reflect, not to rush into anything. You’re missing something… and Uncle Albert is telling me you’re moving too fast. Stop talking and listen more – the clues are all there, he said. Perhaps that makes sense now?’
‘No, not really, Storm.’ I was by now heartily fed up of being told what to do: slow down, speed up, let go, enjoy the moment – and now Uncle Albert was sticking his nose in. Yet still, the idea that ‘the clues are all there’, and that little bit of curiosity… the constant optimist living in my head got the better of me, and I asked for more details.
‘Oh, Jen, you know the cards – they’re open to interpretation, but for you I’m getting the ace of wands, the page of cups… ooh and Albert’s just reminded me – the high priestess made an appearance too.’
‘Sounds like quite a party.’
‘It was. She was flirting, Albert said – but I take him with a pinch of salt. But as I was working through the spread I saw something else…’
‘What?’
‘I don’t quite understand what it means, nor is it my task to question – we have to trust the Goddess, Jen.’
‘Okay, so what is she saying when she’s not flirting with Albert?’ Storm loved to build her part, hold you in suspense.
‘Jen, I can see a baby coming into your life.’
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry; she’d clearly got her chakras confused again and I was beginning to lose faith in her.
‘Well, a baby is highly unlikely. I’m on the brink of menopause, and
any minute now my insides will dry up and hair will sprout from my chin.’
‘Oh dear, in that case, given the presence of these cards, might I suggest that there’s already been a pregnancy or a child?’
‘Storm, I think I might have noticed if I’d been pregnant or had a child. But thanks anyway.’
‘You know the rules – take what you need from the cards and ignore the rest. It may well be Albert and those sassy angels deliberately toying with us. Who knows, they might even be giving me June from the cake shop in your spread – she could be conceiving at this very moment.’
‘Indeed,’ I said, trying to push away the image of June being taken on a bed of fresh cream meringues.
‘Let’s talk when you get back,’ she said. ‘Mrs Christmas can’t wait to see you.’
I came off the phone feeling rather bereft, and I sat gazing out at the snow and reflecting on the past twelve months, the way one has a tendency to do around Christmas time. Storm said I was going so fast with my holiday romance I was missing something. It felt like a riddle I had to solve, and the more I thought about it, the more I wondered what it was I wasn’t seeing.
‘Perhaps I’m so keen on Jon I’ve missed the fact my feelings aren’t reciprocated?’ I said to Jody when she made the mistake of stopping by to say hi between ski swoops (or whatever they call them). I’d wandered over to the café to get a drink, feeling restless alone in the chalet.