“The service in this restaurant blows,” I grumbled a few hours later. I was in a cell in the dungeon of the castle of Tisa’ron. The cell was pretty clean, as far as dungeons went. Admittedly, it was my first time inside an actual dungeon. I’d seen the inside of drunk tanks, holding cells, even a week in a county jail in Myrtle Beach, SC, after a weekend involving twelve strippers, the UGA defensive line, seventeen cases of beer, eight pounds of weed, and a goat.
Don’t ask.
But I’d never been inside an honest-to-God dungeon before. I don’t think there are any dungeons left in the U.S. Well, I was damn sure in a dungeon now. Like I said, it was relatively clean, for a jail cell underneath a castle. It was dry, the bunk had a mattress on it, and there were two buckets. One was full of almost clean water, and the other was empty. It didn’t take me long to figure out what the empty one was for.
The only real problem I had was the lack of electricity, Wi-Fi, or anything human-sized. Even human-sized stuff is usually too small for me, but since the average height of a grown male fairy seemed to be about five-six, I was a foot taller than the people the bed was made for. I was actually a foot taller than the people the ceiling was made for. I didn’t quite have to stoop to walk down the central hallway, but the cell itself was at least four inches shorter than I was.
So I sat. Then I laid on the bed for a while with my legs hanging off. After a while of my feet going to sleep, I pulled the mattress off the bed and laid it onto the floor. At least then my feet weren’t really dangling. I had just rolled over to try and catch some z’s when a voice came out of the darkness.
“Hey mister, are you human?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
“But are you a human from here, or from somewhere else?”
“I came from somewhere else,” I said. “I came here looking for someone.”
“Who are you looking for?”
“A human girl named Tamara. She fell into a trap that Puck set.”
“I’m Tamara! Oh, thank God! I thought everyone had given up on me. It’s been so long I just assumed everyone had forgotten about me. I’m so glad to hear your voice.”
“What do you mean, it’s been so long? It’s only been about three or four days. I got here two days ago, and I got sucked into Puck’s trap the night after you went missing.”
“Dude, I don’t know what you’ve been smoking, but I’ve been in this cage for like almost a month.”
“Huh. I read some shit like this in a book once. Time moves differently here than in our world, so it’s been a month for you, but only a couple days back home. So you can stay here as long as you want to, and everybody will still be happy to see you when you get home.”
“Yeah, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled. All my dad will do is bitch about how much money it’s gonna cost him to replace my cell phone.”
“You don’t even have to worry about that. The cops found your phone. You can get it back when I get you home.”
“You got a plan for that, genius? In case you missed it, you’re locked up in the friggin’ dungeon.”
“You know, I thought I’d see a little more gratitude, seeing as how I jumped into another dimension to find your snotty little ass.”
“Yeah, sure, dude. I’ll be grateful as soon as you do something worth a shit, like getting us out of here.”
“Us?”
“Yeah, dude. I’m not gonna, like, leave without my girls, right?”
Shit. There are more of them. “This would be a really good time for you to tell me that you’re talking about one or two fairy girls you made friends with since you’ve been in here.”
I heard a little snort from the cell. “Yeah, they’re about as much fairies as you are, dumbass. There’s like half a dozen of us that got kidnapped by that little rat bastard Puck. From all over the country, man. That dude gets around.”
“Well, that complicates things, but it doesn’t change anything. If I came here to get one human girl out of the dungeon, getting six out shouldn’t be any more impossible.”
“So what’s the plan, Stan? What do we do?”
I laughed a little. “We don’t do shit. You sit in this cell, keep your head down, your mouth shut, and think about how video games rot your brain and get you kidnapped to Fairyland where an evil queen tosses your dumb ass into a dungeon. I am going to sleep for a little while, then I’m gonna get up, stretch, do a little warm up like pushups or something, then I’m gonna go out there and beat the holy shit out of the queen’s cousin. After that, I’m going to talk the queen into letting all y’all go home.”
“How are you going to do that?” A new voice came from the other side of my cell.
“I reckon you’re one of the other human girls?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m Emily Mocaten, from Indianapolis. I don’t suppose you know if anyone is still looking for me, do you?”
“I’m sure they are, sweetie. Don’t you worry about that, I’m gonna get you out of here. I’m gonna get all y’all out of here.”
Now if only I had a single clue how I was going to do that.
Chapter 11
Morning came too early, and still not soon enough. I stood up to the sound of keys outside my cell and promptly bumped my head on the low ceiling.
“Ow, goddammit.”
“Come along, let’s go,” said the fairy guard outside. He had a bandage over his nose, so I assumed he was one of the ones I met the day before.
“Hang on, I gotta pee,” I said, then turned to the empty bucket and did just that. The morning’s pressing business attended to, I stepped out of the cell and wiped my hands on the guard’s bright green tabard.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He jumped back and started to brush at the fabric, then looked at his bare hands and thought better of it.
“This hotel sucks. The bathroom didn’t have any towels in it. And the mattress was lumpy. You’re really overdue for a renovation.” I turned left and walked toward the stairs. As I went, I took some time to peer into each cell I passed. Seven or eight of the ten I walked past each held a single occupant, always a human girl.
“What did they do?” I asked the guard.
“No talking,” he barked, poking me in the back.
I stopped dead in my tracks, and he crashed into my back. I whirled around and slammed him into the bars of one cell. I wrapped one hand around his throat and the other around the wrist of his sword arm. I leaned down into his face and spoke, very low and very slow.
“Look here, you irritating little prick. Up there with all your guard buddies, you might be King Shit of Turd Mountain, but down here, you’re just the scared little dude who’s got a giant breathing in his face. Now answer the damned question before I rip your head off and shit down your neck.”
“They are not citizens. They were in the city without papers or badges, so they’ll be sold next week.”
“Sold?” I didn’t know it was possible to get more threatening, but judging by the look on the guard’s face, I managed.
“There is an auction in the square once a month. These girls are scheduled to be put on the block next week. I assume they’ll be bought as pleasure slaves, but the ugly ones might be bought as lady’s maids.”
I reckon it’s a good thing I’m busting these girls out of here today, then. I put the guard down and motioned for him to walk ahead of me to the stairs.
“I’m not supposed to—”
“I didn’t squish your head like a grape. But that doesn’t mean I trust you behind me with a sword. Now go.” He stared at me for a moment, then he apparently decided that survival is the better part of valor and went down the row of cells and preceded me up the stairs into the wide entryway of the castle.
We walked through the huge foyer and out the front doors; then we were joined by a quartet of other guards. One handed me my sword belt and the blade I got from Puck, not that I expected to use it. Another handed me Bertha in her shoulder holster, along with my Judge revolver in a
paddle holster. I checked the pistols, made sure they were both loaded for bear, or in this case, fairy, stuck the Judge in the back of my waistband and strapped on Bertha.
I got my pocketknife back from a third guard, and the last one just looked a little disappointed that I didn’t have more shit, so he could have something to do. The four new guards took up position all around me, with the one from the dungeon leading the way.
We walked through the city to the central plaza, where I saw a twenty-foot circle laid out on the cobblestones. Scar stood just outside the circle, flanked by all his bandit fairy buddies. One of them had his arm in a sling, and another one looked like he was having a fair bit of trouble moving. I pegged him for the spellcaster I shot out of the saddle.
“What are the rules of this scrap?” I asked my escort.
“If you keep your mouth shut and your ears open, you might find out.”
At least when I make jokes about Skeeter being a pissy fairy, I’m making a damn joke. This pissy fairy didn’t have a single scrap of a sense of humor. Maybe I knocked it out of him in the dungeon. I shrugged and took a spot opposite Scar and his cronies outside the circle.
Like a wave, the entire crowd dropped to a knee as Titania entered the square. I went ahead and did it, too, even though the last time I tried it, my knees popped and I ended up scrapping with the whole damn royal guard. She waved for us to stand, and I made it back to my feet without causing an interspecies incident. The queen made a gesture, and the cobblestones shifted and flowed like water into a throne right behind her. A fairy from her entourage placed a cushion on the seat, and she sat down.
I reached up and closed my mouth with my hand. I’ve been around some magic now and then, but this was power like I’d never seen before. I suddenly felt very much out of my league. Oh well, I’m in it now. Gotta see it ‘til the end.
An old fairy stepped forward, a white-haired man with a Gandalf beard and a walking stick topped with a large yellow crystal. He pounded the walking stick on the stones and began to speak.
“As these two prisoners have committed offenses against the dignity and reputation of the crown, Her Majesty, Titania the Graceful and Kind has decreed that they shall do battle for the entertainment of her citizenry. The combatants shall duel in single combat, with no outside assistance, until one or both of the criminals lies dead.”
Shit. It all flashed suddenly clear. She didn’t give a single damn that I hurt her cousin, and she gave less of a damn that he was robbing people. But his actions were embarrassing, and I was the first person to be able to whoop his ass. So she was using me to clean up her mess. If I lost, no big deal, I was a human and not one of her subjects that she had to protect. And if I killed Scar, even better, because she was rid of a problem and she didn’t have to hurt her relative. This was the very definition of screwed.
“The combatants shall enter the circle, and a magical barrier will surround them. Anyone attempting to cross the barrier while both prisoners live will be destroyed. If either prisoner tries to leave the circle while the other lives, he will be destroyed. If both combatants are still alive after one half hour, both will be destroyed. Prisoners, enter the circle.”
I didn’t move. Now I not only had to beat Scar’s ass, I had to kill him. And I only had thirty minutes to do it. Of course, if he got me in a tight spot with those two swords, I might not last thirty seconds. I let out a deep sigh and stepped into the ring. As soon as Scar and I were both in, a curtain of slightly shimmering light sprang up all around the perimeter of the circle. I was trapped with a pissed-off fairy wielding dual short swords and a whole lot of attitude.
“I don’t want to do this, Scar. Talk to your cousin, maybe you can convince her that nobody needs to die today,” I said to the fairy.
“Oh, don’t worry, human. Someone needs to die, just not me. You embarrassed me in front of my men, and my family. I don’t take that lightly. You have a debt to pay, and I intend to collect right now!” He sprang at me, swords whirling. I decided that I didn’t want to be wherever he was with those swords, so when he leapt for me, I rolled underneath him, coming to my feet on the other side of the circle.
“Don’t make me do this, Scar,” I warned him again. He didn’t listen, again, just charged me with those +3 spinning blades of redneck chopping. I drew my own sword, and he grinned. He knew there was no world in which I beat him in a sword fight.
I knew it, too, so I threw the sword at his face. He knocked it aside, and when he looked back up at me, I had Bertha pointed straight at him.
“Your human weapon can’t hurt me, fool! I’m a prince of the Fae, and I will have your heart!” He charged again.
I shook my head and pulled the trigger. Scar flew back, knocked on his ass by the impact of the biggest damn bullet you can run in a semiautomatic handgun. He stood up, the anger on his face replaced by confusion, then pain. He gave me a questioning look, then fell to his knees. His swords clattered to the ground, and a hush fell over the crowd. A huge red stain spread across his chest, and he knelt there for another couple seconds, then keeled over sideways, stone dead.
The barrier around the circle dropped, and the crowd fell silent. The bandit wizard raised his hands, and I pointed the pistol at him.
“You twitch, and I’ll put one in your damn head.” He stopped moving.
I turned to the throne and stepped out of the circle. Titania’s guards stepped forward to make a wall between us, but I just knelt in front of her, holstering Bertha as I went down.
“Your Majesty, I have solved the problem of bandits on the road to Tisa’ron. I am sorry to report that your cousin did not survive our discussion on the matter.”
“You have proven victorious in single combat, Bubba the human. You may go freely within my city as you desire.”
“Your Majesty, I would ask a boon for my service.” I figured since I was here, I might as well try to get the girls out of the dungeon the easy way.
The corner of the fairy queen’s mouth twitched up a little, like she was amused that I would even think of asking her for a favor after killing her cousin right in front of her. But I knew that she wanted me to kill her cousin, so in the movie in my head, she knew that I knew, and she wanted me to keep from telling everyone what I knew, and she certainly didn’t want me to tell people that I knew that she knew what I knew, so I knew she’d pay a little price to keep me quiet.
“What is your boon, human?”
“I would ask for the release of the humans in your dungeon. They are not of this world, and I would take them home to their families.” I didn’t know exactly how this was going to get Puck’s girlfriend out, which meant I also didn’t know exactly how I was going to accomplish the whole “take them home” part of the plan, but I figured getting the girls out of the dungeon would be a good step.
Titania laughed, and it wasn’t an “oh you silly human, of course I’ll release everyone in my dungeon into your hands” kind of laugh. It was way more of a “you stupid hairy sack of crap, I wouldn’t open my dungeon for you if you promised me a golden carriage drawn by unicorns that shit glitter and piss rainbows.”
She looked down at me, even though I was about the same height on one knee as she was sitting on a throne. “Those human children are worth a lot of money to me. Money that I can use for the betterment of my cities, my roads, my kingdom. I would be a terrible ruler if I allowed you to take money out of my coffers and food out of the mouths of my subjects. No, Bubba, I will not release the human children. I will, however, grant you a boon.” She motioned to one of her guards, who walked over to me and handed me the pack I had with me when I entered the castle. The pack I’d taken off her cousin’s men when I beat their asses. Her boon was giving me back my own stolen shit. This woman was more conniving than a Las Vegas stripper. And hotter.
I took my pack and slung it over my shoulder, then took a step forward. “Your Majesty—”
She raised a hand to silence me. And it worked. Well, the hand made me pause. T
he six guards with crossbows that stepped out of the crowd at her gesture made me stop.
“Choose your next words carefully, human. They may very well be your last.”
I dipped my head. “I thank Your Majesty for your gracious gift and for giving me freedom to explore your fair city.”
She put her hand down and smiled a wry little half-smile. “I am glad to see that we understand each other.” Titania rose from her throne, which melted back into the stones of the plaza at a gesture. Then she turned and walked away, just like nothing ever happened. Four guardsmen walked over to Scar, picked up the body, and took it to a cart waiting nearby. I guess they knew it was going to have a passenger today, no matter who.
The crowd dispersed, vendors going back to their shops and stalls, shoppers going back to their shopping, guardsmen going back to their guarding, children going back to their urchining. Within a couple minutes, the only people left in the square were me and Scar’s crew.
They were a confused bunch, milling around mumbling at each other, glaring at me, and generally looking like they had no idea what to do next. Every so often, one of them would look at me with a scowl, then go back to talking with his buddies. I’d seen this shit before, in every redneck bar in the world. They were trying to talk themselves into enough of a frenzy to come at me.
Well, screw every bit of that. I stomped over to the lot of them, looked at the biggest one of them, then popped him right in the jaw with a big right hook. He went down like his strings had been cut, and I turned to the wizard.
“You in charge?” I asked. I knew that just by asking him that, I put him in charge. And he was probably the smartest surviving member, so he’s who I wanted to deal with.
“Yes, I am,” he replied. He opened his mouth to continue, but I backhanded him across the mouth. He spun around and dropped to his ass.
“I assume I have everyone’s attention?” I asked. “Now here’s the deal. I whooped y’all’s asses on the road, and your boy Scar decided he wanted to throw his semi-royal weight around and cause trouble for me. What he didn’t figure on was his cousin being a lot damn smarter than him, so she used me to get rid of an embarrassing problem. Now Scar’s dead.”
Midsummer - A Bubba the Monster Hunter Novella Page 8