In that moment, she caught a glimpse of what Otto must have been feeling for the last several months. The last several years. She realized that any little mistake on her part might cost other shifters their lives. She would feel awful if that happened. In fact, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. The pressure was enough to make her want to abandon altogether any plan that had even the slightest bit of risk.
And suddenly, she understood where Otto was coming from. He didn’t want to miss any details that would cost anyone their lives, either. So he had held back, not wanting to take any steps forward until he’d thought of everything. Kate also understood in that moment that she needed Otto’s help. She hadn’t wanted to admit it before, but she wasn’t sure she could do this without him. He had had years of practice at looking out for these shifters. He could double check all of her plans and make sure that she wasn’t missing anything.
That’s why he came to this meeting, she realized. He hadn’t come to give her a hard time. He’d come because he truly cared about the shifters, and he knew how hard it was to manage risks for big missions. He wanted to make sure that everything had been considered. And he had waited until the end to bring up his point not because he was trying to be an asshole, but because he was trying to give Kate and the others a chance to save face and come up with solutions on their own. Kate felt humbled.
“Thank you,” she stammered out. “That’s a good point. I’ll adjust the plans to make sure we have plenty of shifters ready to do long matches.”
She stared down at her clipboard of notes, and wrote a few more names in the column where she had listed the shifters who would be responsible for fighting extra long matches. Then she looked back up at Otto.
“Um, anything else?” she asked sheepishly.
He grinned at her, giving her the same smug sort of look she’d given him dozens of times. “That’s all I’ve got for now. You did pretty good, kid.”
Kate felt herself blushing, and she quickly looked down at her clipboard again. It annoyed her that he called her kid. Was he trying to cut her down to size? Or did he mean it affectionately? God, she never should have slept with him. Doing so had stirred up all sorts of feelings and questions that never should have been stirred up.
“Okay, well, I’ll get copies of all these plans done tonight, and have Leo get a copy to each of you before the end of breakfast tomorrow. This goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway just in case: make sure you don’t leave your copy of the notes anywhere that any of the Gilt Hollow full humans could find it. Hopefully we’ll have a few more days before any Shifter Games match is announced, but in the meantime at least we know we have a base plan in place.”
And with that, the meeting ended. Kate half-expected Otto to stick around and talk to her once she had dismissed everyone, but he didn’t. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed by that, but she told herself not to waste time thinking about it right now. She had a lot of work still ahead of her tonight, if she was going to make copies of the vault raid plan for all of the shifters in time for Leo to deliver them before breakfast was over.
Sticking her chin out stubbornly, she started making her way back to her room, determined not to give Otto another thought.
Easier said than done.
Chapter Nine
The snow crunched beneath Otto’s feet as he walked along one of the many paths that wound its way through the Severson estate grounds. The snow had been falling heavily for the last several hours, and it showed no signs of stopping. These paths would be cleared and salted within an hour of daybreak, but for now, the snow continued to pile up in the early morning darkness. That was fine with Otto. He liked the feeling of snow beneath his feet. It felt wilder and freer than a manicured path. And Otto was a fan of anything that helped him feel wild and free. Goodness knew there were too few things like that these days.
Otto had been walking for the better part of two hours. He hadn’t even bothered trying to fall asleep after the resistance meeting. He’d known that lying in bed would be pointless, with all the troubled thoughts running through his mind. And Kate dominated those troubled thoughts.
He closed his eyes for a moment, picturing her sitting at the front of the group of shifters that had been at the meeting tonight. She’d been nervous, he could tell that much. But she’d done a good job. He’d expected her to miss many more details than she did. She had all the makings of a great leader, but she still had a lot to learn about the agony of being held responsible for so many lives. It wasn’t easy to constantly feel that any misstep you made could cost the lives of those you cared about most. Otto considered the shifters of the resistance to be his brothers. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing even one of them.
Still, he shouldn’t have acted like such a jerk at the meeting tonight. He could have been nicer, and given his opinions with a little less venom. But he was finding it hard to act civil around her. How was someone supposed to act around a woman whom you suspected might be your lifemate, but who annoyed the crap out of you at the same time? A woman who irritated you by stomping all over your authority, but whose bravery you admired nonetheless.
Otto kicked at a large clump of snow and let out a growl. He was actually looking forward to training tomorrow. He needed a way to vent his frustration, and spending time working out and practicing his fighting skills sounded like the perfect activity right now.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
He froze at the sound of the familiar voice. Kate? Had she followed him out here? A mixture of euphoria and annoyance filled him, but he did his best to school his features into a disinterested expression before he turned around.
“I could ask you the same thing.” She was wearing a thick fur coat that looked ridiculously gaudy. It was made of wolf fur, but it had been adorned with diamonds all over. It glittered somehow, even though there wasn’t any light out here to speak of. Otto figured the coat must be an old fashion that had once belonged to one of the Gilt Hollow noblewoman. The Seversons occasionally gifted old items like this to the shifters, acting as though they were doing them a great favor. Otto never wanted their gifts, but they forced them on him anyway. Most of the Gilt Hollow fashions were far too over-the-top for him to wear, and he could hardly believe that Kate had donned such an outlandish coat. He did have to admit that it looked warm, though. And tonight’s air felt bitterly cold.
“I could probably sleep if I tried,” she said, drawing his thoughts away from her coat and back to the present moment. “I’m exhausted all the way down to my bones. But I’ve been up copying my notes from tonight’s meeting for everyone. I finally finished and was about to go to bed, but I glanced out my window and saw you pacing around down here. I decided to come down and see if I could catch you.”
Otto felt a rush of fluttering excitement at her words. She had come down purposely to find him! She was interested in seeing him. But his excitement quickly changed to wariness. Why had she wanted to see him? Was she feeling attracted to him still, as he was to her? Or had she only wanted to give him a hard time about the way he’d acted in the meeting. Despite telling himself to calm down and be civil, he found himself putting up a wall and hiding behind sarcasm.
“You know, when people are walking around in the snowy darkness in the middle of the night, it’s usually because they want to be alone.”
The sadness that crossed over her eyes undid him. “I’m sorry,” she said, sounding sincere. “I didn’t mean to bother you. I just wanted to tell you thank you. And not just for my sake, but for the sake of all the shifters who are doing this mission. It shows what a great leader you are, that you helped me out even though I’ve kind of been a jerk and taken over your resistance crew.”
Otto snorted. “Honestly, it’s been a bit of a relief to not be the only one people are looking to for answers. The job’s a lot of pressure.”
He saw Kate’s eyebrows rise. “Why do you keep doing it, if you don’t want the job? Surely, there are oth
er shifters who would be happy to take over.”
“I started this resistance. I feel responsible for it. I feel responsible for the life of every shifter who joins. It’s not something you can just walk away from.” He wanted to add that he felt especially responsible for her life, since she was his lifemate. But he wasn’t sure that now was the best time to have that conversation. She had a lot on her mind without throwing the possibility of his being her lifemate in as well. And she must not have realized herself that the lifemate bond had been formed. Otherwise, she surely would have said something. Or at least acted a little differently around him. But she seemed as reserved and guarded as ever.
“Hmm,” she said. But he could tell there was much more she wanted to say. He wasn’t sure whether he should push her or not. His better sense told him to leave things as they were, and to try to get away from her and back to his room as soon as possible. But his curiosity burned too brightly, and he found himself asking her to elaborate.
“Hmm?”
She sighed. “I was only wondering if you also consider sleeping with a woman something you can just walk away from.”
Her tone was sharp and stinging, cutting him to his core. He had hurt her, he realized in that moment. He’d been trying to protect her by not bringing up their little tryst. He wanted her to focus on the mission ahead of her, and not on what they had done in the bedroom. For a moment, he considered pulling her into his arms and confessing everything—that he suspected she was his lifemate, that he’d never met a woman as beautiful as her, that he would love nothing more than to lay her down in the snow right now and make love to her again, and that he couldn’t stop thinking about her despite the fact that her actions sometimes drove him crazy.
But he stopped himself. She didn’t need all of those thoughts swirling through her head right now. She needed to focus on her mission. When the vault raid was done, hopefully with no casualties, he could bring up all of this other stuff. For now, his best way to protect her was to not tell her that he cared about her and thought she was his lifemate. Opening that can of worms would break her focus, especially, if, as he suspected, she hadn’t realized yet that they had bonded. For the life of him he didn’t know how she could possibly have missed the lifemate bond forming. It had been quite an intense sensation. But she’d said nothing, and he’d never heard of a woman keeping quiet about it once she found her lifemate.
For now, for her sake, he would keep quiet about it. He looked over at her, reaching his hand up to caress her cheek. Her skin was pink and cold, and her nose was starting to run. It didn’t matter. She had never looked more beautiful than she did right then, looking back at him with tired eyes as her stupid coat glittered despite the darkness.
“Look, Kate. I didn’t mean to disrespect or hurt you. I’m not usually the type of guy who romps around in bed just for the fun of it, but I’ll admit I am still a man. You’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen, and when the opportunity came for me to make love to you, well, I couldn’t resist. And it was great. Really great. I’ve never enjoyed anything in my life so much. But now’s not a good time for either of us to start a relationship. We have a revolution brewing, and you have a very dangerous mission to lead. Why don’t we chalk it up to a night of fun and agree to explore more in the future if things calm down and the opportunity presents itself?”
He saw anger flashing across her eyes, and for a brief moment he thought she might slap him. He would have deserved it if she had. His words were a total copout, and she deserved so much more than a copout. But almost as soon as the anger appeared, it disappeared. She stuck her chin out ever so slightly, in that stubborn way she did. Otto was coming to love her stubborn streak, even though that stubbornness had been what made her insist on launching her own dangerous resistance mission.
“It’s fine,” she said, her voice even. “I agree that now isn’t the best time to start a relationship. And you’re right; it was just a night of fun. We both needed the stress relief, I’m sure. But you shouldn’t sleep with a woman without telling her where you stand afterwards. It’s rude. And confusing.”
Otto almost wished she had fought back. He wished she had slapped him and had called him out on his bullshit. But he knew in his heart that it was better that she didn’t. It was better that she thought for now that there was nothing between them. She had some hard days ahead, days that would require much of her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to confuse you. And while I still think you’re crazy for wanting to go through with this vault raid mission, I’ll help you in any way I can.”
She shrugged, as if to say that she didn’t need any more help. Otto thought she was going to head back inside then, and a wave of sadness washed over him. But Kate didn’t turn to go back in. Instead, she pointed down the path that stretched ahead of them, away from the Seversons’ giant house. “I’m going to walk a bit. Would you like to join me? I think it’s too late for me to hope to get any sleep at this point. I’d rather not sleep at all than sleep just one hour.”
Otto did his best to hide his shock at the invitation. “Sure. I don’t think I’m gonna sleep any tonight either.”
He fell into step beside her, and they walked in silence for several minutes. He tried to think of something to say—something clever or funny or meaningful—but his mind felt like mush. All he could think about when he looked at her was her beauty, and how much he wanted to kiss her in the middle of the falling snow. The trees grew thicker as they made their way down the path, and if Otto tried hard he could almost pretend that the two of them were back in Bear Hollow. He could almost pretend that he had never been thrust into this awful existence, where everything he did was shadowed by the reality that he was a slave.
And he was a slave. So what if he was technically being paid for his “work” as a Shifter Games competitor? The money meant nothing to him. He had nowhere to spend it, and nothing to spend it on. He didn’t even have a family in Bear Hollow to send money to. In a heartbeat, he would have given all of this up to be a poor shifter living in a mud hut across the river. But the Seversons would never dream of letting their champion shifter go.
Otto couldn’t help thinking that Kate had lost her mind when she volunteered to come to Gilt Hollow. He understood why she had. She had big dreams, and wanted to kick start the revolution. He admired her courage, but he still thought she was foolish to volunteer for this life. As much as Otto wanted to see the resistance succeed, he’d been forced into this. He was proud of the work he’d done to lead the resistance, but he never would have volunteered for it. He never would have willingly given up his home back in Bear Hollow to come live among these bastards.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Kate said.
Otto glanced sideways at her. No way was he going to tell her what he had really been thinking about. Instead, he shrugged and gestured toward the trees surrounding them, giving voice to something he’d thought many, many times before while out walking. “I was just thinking that it’s a bit ridiculous for one family to own so much land. It’s fine for everyone to own a house and a garden. But these nobles here own estates that sprawl for what feels like half a forest. We could keep walking for miles and still be on Severson land. Forests shouldn’t be claimed like that. They should be open for all people to enjoy.”
Kate laughed, the musical sound of it echoing through the trees. “I see that the Gilt Hollow citizens haven’t been able to brainwash you even a tiny bit.”
Otto growled. “No. Nearly two decades here and I still miss home every day. I still dream constantly of being free. I still don’t feel at home in their stupid Arena, or comfortable in their stupid clothes.”
Kate’s laugh died out, and she gave a somber sigh. “It’s hard to fathom how anyone could treat another group of humans so poorly.”
Otto did not reply. There was no need to reply. Every shifter from Bear Hollow had thought this same thing thousands of time before. Otto could have remarked that the Gilt Hollow citizens did
n’t consider shifters to be human. But why waste his words? Kate already knew that, as did every Bear Hollow shifter. Otto had heard tales of lands faraway where shifters lived free, and weren’t treated like outcasts. But he had no way of knowing whether those tales were true. Gilt Hollow was hundreds of miles from any other city, and Bear Hollow shifters were forbidden to leave. Any shifter who attempted the treacherous journey through hundreds of miles of unforgiving forest would face not only nature’s wrath, but the wrath of the Gilt Hollow soldiers as well. The soldiers patrolled far and wide, and would shoot any shifter found attempting an escape.
Otto supposed an escape would be possible in theory. But without even knowing what was on the other side of those hundreds of miles of forest, there wasn’t much motivation to try. A shifter might risk dying in the wilderness or at the hands of the Gilt Hollow citizens, only to find that whatever cities lay beyond the great woods treated shifters worse than Gilt Hollow did.
Not that some shifters hadn’t tried. There had been a handful of them over the years. A few had been shot by Gilt Hollow soldiers, and their bodies had been left to rot on the borders of the forest as a warning to other shifters who might attempt the same thing. And a few of the shifters had never been heard from again. No one knew whether that meant they had made it to a better civilization, or that they had died a horrible death in the wilderness. Odds were no one would ever know, unless the revolution happened and was successful. Only then, perhaps, would the shifters have the chance to see what lay beyond this place that held them captive.
“Can I ask you a question?” Kate’s voice cut into Otto’s troubled thoughts, and he merely nodded his head to indicate that she should continue.
“What are the Games really like? The actual Games events? I know the technicalities of how the matches are held and the rules and all of that. But is it true that the stands are filled to standing room only with Gilt Hollow citizens? Is it true that they all cheer whenever a shifter is hurt, and that they like shifter versus shifter matches the best?”
The Rebel and the Wolf (The Shifter Games Book 2) Page 8