“Carter will be there to help.”
“And his mother and sisters.” Rachel sounded delighted by the fact. “They have a lot of expertise. I know all I’ll have to do is call and help will be there.”
The front door open. Dev waved them in.
“Family room,” he said. “Only two more arrivals and then I get to leave.”
“All these women making you nervous?” Crissy asked, enjoying the sight of the always in-control Dev looking harried.
“You have no idea. Everything is pink. I half expected Noelle’s mother to want to paint the family room pink so it would match.”
Crissy had the thought that Dev and Josh would get along. They had similar sensibilities. Maybe, after the baby was born, the four of them could go out sometime. She looked at Rachel. Maybe the six of them.
“You came,” a very pregnant Noelle called from her place of honor in an overstuffed chair by the window. “I was getting worried.”
“No, you weren’t,” Crissy said as she walked over, bent down and hugged her.
“Okay, not really,” Noelle admitted. “I knew you wouldn’t miss my shower.”
“How could we? We’ve been involved from the beginning. We love you too much not to be there at the end.”
“That’s right,” Rachel said, moving in for her hug. “I believe I was the one telling you to go for it, where Dev was concerned.”
“You were both worried about me and I love you for it.” Noelle sniffed. “Oh, no. Hormones. Quick. Say something funny so I don’t start to cry.”
“Carter’s mom wants me to name the baby Hortense, if it’s a girl. Apparently it’s a family name.”
Noelle giggled. “Hortense? Seriously? You wouldn’t do that to an innocent child, would you?”
“I wouldn’t want to,” Rachel told her with a grin. “But we’ll have to see how labor goes. I’ve been telling my stomach that for the past couple of days. If things go smoothly, you can have a cool name. But stick me with forty-eight hours of screaming you might be known as Hortense…even if you are a boy.”
Crissy left them alone to drop her present off in the impressive pile by the coffee table, then went into the kitchen to see if she could help.
Noelle’s mother greeted her, then motioned to the hardworking women who seemed to have everything under control.
“I’m impressed,” Crissy said. “My party-hosting skills are limited to an opening I did for my last gym. I hired caterers. My big involvement was writing a check.”
“You forget I’m a minister’s wife. I can do this sort of thing in my sleep. How’s Noelle holding up?”
“She’s a little emotional, but happy. We’re all anxious for the baby to be born.”
“I agree.” Noelle’s mother sighed. “When I first heard she’d married Dev to give the baby a name, I thought she was on the road to disaster. But everything turned out more wonderful than I could have imagined. Now I’m going to be a grandmother.”
Crissy knew Noelle’s mother was barely in her forties. “Are you okay with that? I mean, you’re kind of young.”
“My baby’s having a baby. That’s pretty cool.” She squeezed Crissy’s arm. “You’ll see what I mean when you start having babies yourself. I know it sounds silly, but there’s something powerful about watching the next generation being born. It anchors my place in the universe. Does that make sense?”
Crissy nodded, even though she wasn’t sure she understood. She tried to imagine Brandon old enough to get married and have children. How would she feel about that?
But instead of seeing the future, she felt a wave of longing and a sense of having missed something important. Something amazing. However much she and Brandon became friends now, she would never be his mother. The time lost was gone forever. His bond with Abbey and Pete was unshakable, and in truth she, Crissy, didn’t want to upset that. But there was a sense of emptiness inside of her she’d never experienced before.
Twelve years ago she’d gained the freedom she’d wanted, but at what price?
Crissy celebrated finding a new, reliable cleaning service for her gyms by ordering a nonfat blueberry muffin with her usual lunch salad. When she returned to her office, it was to find a phone message from Josh.
Her insides actually quivered when she heard his voice.
“Hi, Crissy. It’s Josh. Give me a call when you get a chance. I have a proposition for you.”
She lived with the anticipation for a couple of minutes before calling him back. Anticipation turned to pleasure when the receptionist said, “He’s been waiting for your call. I’ll put you right through.”
Seconds later Josh came on the line. “Where were you?” he asked. “Hanging out with some buff guys who can bench press four-fifty?”
“Only on alternate Wednesdays,” she teased. Was it possible he wondered about how she spent her day and worried about someone else catching her attention? He always seemed so perfectly together and confident. It was nice to think he was in over his head, too.
“So I won’t ask again until next week.”
She heard the humor in his voice.
“What’s up?” she asked. “You mentioned a proposition. Or was that just cheap talk?”
“Not talk. I’m going to be getting a puppy tomorrow afternoon. I thought you might want to come with me.”
“A puppy.” She tried to picture one in his all-white town house. “Most guys start with a plant.”
“It’s not for me. Alicia, one of my patients, is turning ten. She wasn’t expected to make it past her eighth birthday. She’s been cancer free for eighteen months and her parents want to give her a puppy. She wants me to pick it out.”
“That’s a lot of responsibility.”
“Less than it sounds. Her parents took her to a breeder, where they narrowed it down to three puppies. The breeder has been watching them for the past couple of days to see which one would be best with her. All I have to do is go pick it up and deliver it. I thought maybe you’d like to come along.”
Puppy shopping, huh? Was there any other activity designed to show a woman a guy’s softer side? Was she already at risk where Josh was concerned? Yet she couldn’t figure out a good reason to say no.
“I’d like that,” she said. “What time?”
Crissy was waiting for Josh in the foyer of her gym. It probably wasn’t cool, but she was too excited to wait upstairs. What was it about puppies, kittens and babies that made a person crazy? Not that she was as excited about the puppy as she was about seeing Josh.
She saw him pull up in an SUV she’d seen parked at Pete and Abbey’s house and grinned as she opened the passenger’s door.
“So we don’t want to risk puppy piddle in our fancy doctor car,” she teased by way of greeting.
He gave her a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes, then leaned over and lightly kissed her cheek. “It was Pete’s idea. I didn’t say no.”
She stared at him, taking in the shadowed hollowness of his face. It was as if something had sucked the life out of him.
“Josh, what’s wrong?” she asked, thinking of Brandon and praying he was all right.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Abbey and the kids are okay? Pete?”
He frowned. “They’re all good. Why?”
“You look different. Something happened.”
He put the SUV in Drive and turned onto the street. After a couple of minutes of silence, he said, “I’m sorry. I thought I could act normal, but I guess I can’t.” He glanced at her. “Or you’re more perceptive than most.”
“I’m sure I’m just amazing,” she said, hoping to lighten his mood a little. “Lucky you to have me around. What happened?”
He clutched the steering wheel more tightly, then exhaled. “One of my kids. Joey. He died last night. We knew it was coming. I tried everything I could think of. For a while it seemed like we were winning, but in the last couple of weeks…”
She had no idea what he was
feeling. Death was as much a part of Josh’s work as sweat was of hers. She couldn’t begin to imagine what he must go through with each patient, knowing there was a chance that a child could die. But without his willingness to try, those lives would be lost for sure.
“He went downhill fast,” he continued, slowly. “Faster than we thought. His body started shutting down late yesterday afternoon. He was gone by midnight.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It must hurt every time.”
“It does. I nearly canceled getting the dog, but Alicia is really excited and she’s still with us. Life has to go on, right?”
“You get involved,” she said. “You have to mourn.”
“I don’t always have time. Every life is a battle. Me against the cancer. Sometimes I beat the bastard. Sometimes I don’t. Even when the end is expected, it’s still a shock. I was with Joey last night, along with his folks. I never know if staying is a good idea. If I help or make things worse.”
“I’m sure his parents appreciate knowing how much you care. I would.”
“Maybe. I know what they’re going through. There’s always hope—right to the end. That the hand of God is going to reach down and touch your loved one. That this time, there’ll be a miracle.”
He wasn’t talking about the child anymore, she thought. “Was it like that with Stacey?” she asked softly.
“A little,” he admitted. “By the time we knew the cancer was back, it was everywhere. Or maybe she knew earlier. I was never sure about that. She didn’t want me to worry. We both knew once it returned, there wasn’t going to be much for us to do. I kept on top of the research, but progress isn’t made everywhere. When she got the diagnosis, she had less than six weeks to live.”
Crissy hadn’t known that. “I’m sorry,” she said, wondering how anyone could survive the loss.
“She’d always known the cancer could come back,” he continued. “In her heart, I think she believed it was just a matter of time. She lived her life knowing her years were limited. In the end, she made things as easy for me as she could. Isn’t that crazy? She was the one dying and she wanted to make it okay for me.”
There was too much emotion in his voice, Crissy thought, feeling as if he would later regret sharing so much. There was also a need to protect herself from this information. It would haunt her later. She had a feeling she would always be able to hear his voice, so filled with love and pain as he talked about the woman he had loved and married.
“But you go on,” he said quietly. “You go on and while you never forget, eventually there’s color in the world. You might not want there to be, but there is. Sometimes I tell that to the parents of my kids who die. Especially if they have other children at home.”
His kids. She hadn’t noticed that before. He called them his kids. Because he was that closely connected? Or for another reason?
“It’s like losing her all over again, isn’t it?” she asked. “When you lose one of the children. You’re reliving Stacey’s death.”
He looked at her. “Sometimes. How did you know?”
“It’s not a big leap. You fight the same disease that killed your wife. You work with children who are innocent and far too young to die. Was Stacey all that different?”
He returned his attention to the road. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about this.”
She didn’t know if she agreed or not. It was difficult to have the conversation but ignoring these truths didn’t make them go away.
“I know you were married before, Josh. I know you loved your wife very much. She is a part of who you are and she always will be.”
Crissy knew all that in her head, although she’d yet to come to terms with the information in her heart. It wasn’t that she wanted Josh not to have loved Stacey, it’s that she wanted him to be able to move on. The jury was still out on that one.
“I shouldn’t have brought you along today,” he said.
That hurt, but she did her best not to react. “Because you’d rather be alone?”
“No. Because you didn’t sign up for my problems. I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re here, but it can’t be much fun for you. Want me to take you back?”
The pain faded. “I’m happy to be here. Consider me your distraction for the day. Until we get the puppy. Then you’ll have a four-footed one to keep you from going to the dark place.”
He reached across and took her hand in his. As his fingers laced with hers she wondered if she was making a mistake. Had she somehow become one of those women who fell for men they could never have? Or was she giving the man she cared about enough space to open his heart again?
Alicia was a pretty redhead with big green eyes and freckles. She practically trembled with excitement as Josh held out the squirming collie puppy.
“Her name is Sashay,” he said with a grin. “She’s pretty smart, so you’re going to have to be a responsible pet owner. Are you ready to do that?”
Alicia nodded solemnly. She sat cross-legged on her family room floor, with her parents on the sofa, right behind her. Crissy stayed out of the inner circle, content to watch but not intrude on this surprisingly intimate moment.
There was a connection between Josh and the little girl, a bond she would guess had been forged by a battle against death.
Josh carefully handed over the puppy. Sashay sniffed Alicia, then swiped at her face with a long, pink tongue. Alicia giggled with delight and hugged the puppy close.
“I love her,” the girl whispered. “I love her nearly as much as I love you, Dr. Josh.”
“I’m glad,” he said. “I brought my camera, so I want to take pictures.”
But pictures had to wait for a while as Sashay met her new family. Crissy laughed as the puppy explored the family room and tumbled around with Alicia. When the two of them went out for a potty break, Josh and Alicia’s father went along with them while Crissy followed Alicia’s mother into the kitchen to make coffee.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for this,” Jayne said, but she sounded happy. “A puppy is a lot of work.”
“I think Alicia is going to be happy to help.”
“I know she is. She’s very responsible and empathetic. That happens to a lot of kids in her position. Being that sick and spending weeks in a hospital causes children to grow up quickly.”
Jayne walked to the window over the sink and stared out into the backyard. Sashay and Alicia were running around the yard.
“She’s so healthy now,” Jayne said, her voice thick with emotion. “Look at how she runs.”
“She’s a beautiful girl,” Crissy told her. “I would never guess she’d ever been sick.”
“I know. Isn’t that amazing. I give thanks every day. Do you have children?”
Crissy thought briefly of Brandon and knew she couldn’t rightfully claim him as her own. “No.”
“When you do, you’ll understand. I was terrified when she was diagnosed. Things only got worse as doctor after doctor said there was nothing they could do. Treatments for her kind of cancer were too difficult for children. The risks were too high. No one would help. Then we met Dr. Josh. He said sometimes there’s a miracle. With Alicia, there was.”
Jayne busied herself with putting cookies on a plate. She sniffed, then looked up. “We were so afraid. Even after all this time, I remember the terror. But he was with us. When we started the treatments, when she only got sicker. He was right there. I can’t remember how many nights I spent at the hospital. I would wake up in the bed next to hers and Dr. Josh would be sitting beside her, holding her hand, whispering that she was going to get better and that she had to hang on. He poured his whole heart and soul into making her well and it worked. We owe him everything.”
“I’m sure Josh doesn’t see it that way,” Crissy said, not completely surprised to hear about his involvement with the family.
“He doesn’t,” Jayne told her. “He’s like that for all his patients. He’s an incredible man, but then you probably know that.”
“I do.”
Crissy was very clear on Josh’s good points. But were they also his flaws? Did he give so much to his kids that he had nothing left for anyone else? Was he hiding behind his work because it was easier than facing a life of his own?
The questions made her feel guilty—like she was actively looking for trouble. Without his commitment, Alicia might not be alive. Did she, Crissy, wish things were any different?
She knew the answer to that, but she was still confused about the situation. Did Josh know how to balance work and personal life? Did he want to? What, exactly, was he looking for from her? What did she want from him? How were either of them going to handle their relationship if she found out she was pregnant?
The next couple of days were difficult for Crissy. She didn’t see Josh and wasn’t sure if he was as busy as he claimed or if he was avoiding her after exposing too much of himself. She was currently voting for the busy being real, but wasn’t sure if her luck was that good.
Because she didn’t have enough on her worry list, she went out and bought two different pregnancy kits. Only a couple more days until she would know if she was pregnant or not. Sometimes she was convinced she was playing a head game with herself and other times she was positive she was “with child” as her grandmother used to say.
In a desperate attempt to distract herself, she decided to clean the bathrooms in her house. It was a job she loathed. Even laundry was better than scrubbing toilets and the shower. She collected all the equipment and cleaning products she would need, then pulled on her rubber gloves. But before she could get started, the phone rang.
Her brain went immediately into “Josh or not-Josh” mode. She glanced at the clock and figured it was unlikely that he would be calling at eight-fifteen in the evening.
“Hello?”
“Crissy? Thank God. It’s Abbey. I’m sorry to bother you, but I have no one else.”
Abbey sounded breathless and frantic. Crissy ripped off her gloves, then began searching for shoes.
“You’re not bothering me. What happened? How can I help?”
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