“So you’ll be there for him, giving him advice.” Noelle shifted in her chair. “You’ll have the best of it. You get to be the cool adult in his life.”
“I’d like that.”
“So this is good,” Rachel said. “You should be happy.”
“I am, about that. But there’s more.” Crissy drew in a breath. How to explain the complications of Josh. “I, um…There are complications other than Brandon.”
“I thought you liked Josh,” Noelle said. “Don’t you?”
“I do. A lot. He’s a great guy. If I were to make a list of everything I want, he would hit all the high points. On the surface, he’s practically perfect, but underneath…not so much.”
“Meaning?” Rachel asked.
“He’s still in love with Stacey.”
“You don’t know that,” Noelle said firmly. “He’ll always have feelings for her. He’d be a jerk if he didn’t. But that’s not the same as being in love.”
“I know the difference and I have a feeling he’s falling on the ‘in love’ side of things. He hasn’t been with anyone but me since she died. That was four years ago. Don’t you think that’s taking mourning just a little too far?”
Rachel and Noelle exchanged a look that told Crissy the two of them had been talking about her situation.
“But he’s with you now,” Noelle said. “That has to mean something.”
“It does…”
“But?” Rachel asked.
“But I’m confused about a few things. What he does, helping those sick kids. It takes a lot out of him. He takes on the cases no one else will. It’s admirable. But does knowing any one of them could die mean he gets to hold back?”
She covered her face with her hands, then straightened and looked at her friends. “Okay, here’s my terrible thought for the day. Stacey had a kind of cancer that was likely to return. Odds were, when it did, it would claim her life. He knew that and he still wanted to marry her. Which is admirable. But is it possible part of the reason he loved her was that she was safe? Did he marry her knowing he would lose her and did that mean he didn’t have to give so much of himself? And am I a completely horrible person for thinking that?”
“No,” Rachel said immediately. “You can think what you think. No one judges that.”
“You’re too hard on yourself.” Noelle rubbed her belly. “I can see why you’re worried, but it’s possible you’re reading too much into the situation. Maybe he married Stacey because he fell in love with her and a short life together was better than no time at all. I would do that with Dev in a heartbeat. There doesn’t have to be a deep, dark, psychological reason for his actions.”
There didn’t have to be, but Crissy couldn’t help wondering if there was. “My gut is warning me that this might be a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Do I need that kind of hassle in my life?”
“Are you willing to walk away?” Rachel asked.
Crissy shook her head. “It’s too late for that. The thing is I spent so many years beating myself up about Brandon. I decided I’d done something wrong, so I continued to punish myself. I wouldn’t get serious about anyone. I picked guys who could never understand me, losers who could never be my partner in life. It got so bad, I swore off dating forever. Then I met Josh and he’s amazing. But have I come all this way and learned all these life lessons only to fall for a guy who’s emotionally unavailable?”
“You’re assuming the worst about him,” Rachel said. “Maybe give him a chance to prove himself before you jump all over him.”
“Oh, but that would make sense,” Crissy teased. Then her humor faded. “He doesn’t want children.”
“What?” Noelle sounded outraged. “No. That can’t be right. He works with kids. You said he was great with Abbey and Pete’s kids.”
“I know, but that’s what he told me. He came by after I’d talked to Brandon and he seemed to know exactly what to say to both of us. So I asked him why he and Stacey hadn’t had kids. He said she couldn’t and he’d never wanted them.”
“Okay, now I get it,” Rachel said. “He probably never thought about having children. Then he fell madly in love with someone who couldn’t have them so he convinced himself he didn’t want them in the first place so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings.”
That’s what Crissy wanted to believe, too. “That’s the best case scenario. But how can I know if he did a mind shift for his late wife or if he really doesn’t want children?”
“You have to find out which,” Noelle said firmly. “Because you do want a family. I know you joke about the horrors of fluids in pregnancy and all that, but I know you, Crissy. You want a family.”
Crissy nodded. “I do. I don’t know how to find out the truth about Josh. I can’t exactly ask him if he’ll let me work up a psychological profile. So I’m left with some serious gray matter. In theory, the no-kids thing is a deal breaker.”
“In theory?” Rachel looked at her. “You’d consider not having a family because of him?”
“Not exactly. There’s another complication.”
Noelle shook her head. “I’ve never understood why people watch soap operas, but I’m beginning to see the appeal. All the drama is very compelling. So what’s the complication? You’re attracted to Pete? Abbey’s attracted to Josh? They want you to be a surrogate mother for them? Josh hates your cat?”
Despite everything, Crissy laughed. “It’s not a matter of him liking King Edward, it’s whether or not King Edward will like him.”
“Of course,” Rachel said. “We know who’s in charge. So what is it?”
Crissy drew in a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
Both women stared at her in disbelief—wide-eyed, mouths open. Rachel recovered first and flung herself at Crissy.
“You’re going to have a baby? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. I can’t believe we’re all pregnant together? What are the odds of that? It’s the knitting class. And to think you hate the yarn.”
Crissy hugged her friend, appreciating the comfort and the support.
“I don’t hate the yarn,” she said. “It hates me.”
Noelle sniffed. “I can’t get up and come over. You guys have to come to me.”
Both of them moved toward the chair where they huddled in a group hug. Finally everyone settled back in their seats.
“Are you happy?” Noelle asked. “It’s got to be a shock.”
“It is,” Crissy admitted. “I’ve been ignoring the obvious—that thirteen years after it happened the first time, I’m once again dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Obviously I’m a slow learner in this area.”
“But you’re happy,” Noelle said. “Aren’t you?”
Crissy smiled slowly. “I’m very happy. A little surprised, but happy. I feel ready this time. I’m grown-up and I can do this. Sort of.” She felt fear nibbling at the edges of her happiness. “Except I’m not very maternal. Do you think the baby will mind?”
“You’ll do great,” Rachel said. “If you get worried, just call one of us. By the time you have your baby, we’ll be experts.”
“Good point.” Crissy relaxed a little. “I want this,” she admitted. “I want all of it. The messy, fluid-filled baby stuff. I want to be there for every moment. I want to watch my child grow up while knowing my life will never be the same.”
Her friends nodded as if they, too, felt that.
“But,” Rachel said. “What about Josh?”
“There is that.”
“Maybe you misunderstood him,” Noelle said. “Maybe he was just talking about before. When it was with Stacey.”
“Maybe.” But Crissy was doubtful. “I have to tell him and I honestly don’t know what he’s going to say.”
“He might surprise you in a good way,” Rachel said. “Saying you don’t want children is one thing, but being faced with a baby of his own is another. He might discover he wants to be a father. You said he gives everything to the sick children he works with. How could h
e give less to his own son or daughter?”
A good question. In theory, Crissy agreed with her, but in her gut, she wondered and worried.
“I won’t know until we have the conversation,” she said.
“Which will be when?” Noelle asked.
“I don’t know. I’m going to put it off for a couple of weeks. Let the whole Brandon thing die down. If Josh and I could spend a little more time together, I might get him figured out. That would help. But I’m not waiting longer than that. I want to feel safe in the conversation but I don’t want him thinking I was trying to keep the information from him. Talk about a balancing act…”
“You’re up to it,” Rachel told her. “It will be fine. You’ll see.”
“He’ll come through in the end,” Noelle said. “He’s one of the good guys.”
Crissy could only hope her friends were right.
Three days later Crissy knew she was acting like a total coward, which wasn’t her style at all. She’d been lying low and avoiding Josh, which wasn’t helping her “get to know him better” plan.
He’d called and they’d talked, but she’d deflected his attempts for them to get together. Part of the problem was she didn’t know if she could be around him without blurting out the truth. Telling this man she was having his baby was something she wanted to do delicately. In the right way at the right time. And hopefully when she wasn’t so scared of his reaction.
But in the meantime, avoiding him was just plain dumb.
That decided, she picked up the phone and called his office.
“Hi,” she said, when the receptionist answered. “I’m Crissy Phillips, a friend of Josh’s. Ah, Dr. Daniels. I wondered what his schedule looked like. If he was available for lunch.”
“Oh, it’s you!” the woman squealed. “I can’t believe you’re calling. We couldn’t believe it when Dr. Josh told us he was dating. Finally. This is so exciting. You have to come by. I don’t know if he’ll have time for a long lunch, but he’ll have a few minutes.”
He talked about her? To his staff? She wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided it had to be a good thing. He wasn’t exactly the kind of guy to share everything about his personal life. Which meant she was significant. At least that was going to be her interpretation of things.
“That sounds good,” she said. “I’ll come on over.”
“I’m so glad. He really needs to see you. It’s been a tough morning for him.”
Which meant something had happened with one of his kids, she thought sadly.
“Thanks for telling me,” she said. “Give me twenty minutes.”
She parked across from the door to his offices and walked inside. The first thing she noticed was the bright colors of the walls. They were an ocean-blue—a fitting color considering the entire waiting-area walls were an underwater mural. There were fish and turtles and bits of seaweed. A diver lurked in a corner while four sharks played an intense game of volleyball by the window.
The overall effect was one of light and color. It was a cheerful, happy space, something his patients and their parents would appreciate.
The waiting room was empty. Crissy walked to the reception window where a young woman in a puppy-covered smock grinned at her.
“Ohmygod! You’re Crissy, aren’t you? I’m Natalie. I’m so excited to finally meet you.”
Natalie turned and called out, “She’s here, guys. Come meet her.”
Three other woman clustered around the window. They introduced themselves so quickly, Crissy couldn’t put names with faces.
“I go to your gym,” one of them said. “The one across from the mall. I love it so much. No guys, which is the best. I work with a trainer and I’ve lost twenty pounds in just over two months. I’m trying to drag these slackers with me to one of the classes, but they’re too lazy.”
Natalie pulled a cookie out of her desk and waved it around. “Hey, I like my lifestyle just as it is. You’re healthy enough for all of us.”
“If you change your mind, we offer a free one-week membership,” Crissy said. “You’d be welcome.”
“Maybe.” But Natalie looked doubtful. “Okay, we’ll tell Dr. Josh you’re here. It should just be a second.”
Crissy took a seat, noting how a lot of the chairs were lower to the ground, probably so they would be more comfortable for the kids. There were plenty of toys lying around and a TV with a stack of DVDs next to it. She reached for a magazine and began flipping through it.
The front door opened and little girl walked in with her mother behind her. The child was maybe five or six and she wore a hat.
Natalie leaned out the reception window and grinned. “Why Heather Wilson, is that you? I swear you’ve grown an inch since you were last in here. Are you growing? Does your mother know about this?”
Heather giggled, then pulled off her hat. “Look!” she said proudly.
Short, blond curls covered her head. Natalie clapped her hands. “You have hair. Come see, everyone. Heather has hair!”
The office staff spilled into the waiting area and cooed over the little girl. While that was going on, the mother took a seat across from Crissy’s.
“She’s doing so well,” the woman said with a relieved and happy smile.
“I can see that. She’s beautiful.”
The mother nodded. “We’d hoped, of course, for a miracle. But everyone told us it wasn’t possible. That with her kind of cancer…” She swallowed. “I nearly lost hope. Then someone told us about Dr. Josh. He said there was a chance and he was right. The long nights in the hospital were a nightmare. But he was always there. It could be four in the morning and he’d just pop in to check on us. I’ve never known anyone like him.”
She paused. “I guess I’m trying to tell you that if anyone can save your child, he can. Don’t give up hope.”
“Oh,” Crissy said, not sure how to deal with the misunderstanding. “I’m, ah, not…I don’t have a child here.”
“She’s his girlfriend,” Natalie offered helpfully.
The mother laughed. “Really? That’s great. He’s been single far too long. We were all thinking he’d given up on love altogether. I’m glad he found someone.”
Crissy smiled, even as she wondered if everyone on the planet had to know about her personal life.
“He’s so caring and giving,” the other woman continued. “Sometimes I think he’s too good to be real.”
Crissy knew for a fact that Josh was totally human. She’d seen him naked. But she understood the point being made. That he was one of the good guys.
A rush of longing filled her. Longing that they could work things out and that he could be the one. She cared about him more than she’d ever cared about another man. He was loving and compassionate, smart and funny. He could make her bones melt with just a smile. Wasn’t that worth fighting for?
Little Heather came over and beamed. “I love Dr. Josh. He gives the bestest hugs. He always told me the truth. When it was gonna hurt, he didn’t pretend it wasn’t.” She leaned forward. “I hate it when they tell me it’s not gonna hurt and it does.”
“I’m with you on that,” Crissy told her.
Natalie leaned out of the reception window. “Okay, Crissy. You can come back now.”
“Take your time,” Heather’s mother told her with a knowing smile. “We can wait.”
Crissy had no idea what to say to that, so she just waved and followed Natalie to a large corner office. Here the colors were more subdued, but the space was still bright and open. Instead of the usual degrees hanging on the wall, there were posters of animals, including horses, penguins and a family of meerkats.
Seconds after she’d been ushered inside, the door opened again and Josh joined her.
“I’d heard you were in the building,” he said as he crossed to her and took her hand in his.
“Just me and Elvis,” she teased. “I was heading this way and I thought I’d stop by. How are you?”
As she asked the ques
tion, she stared into his eyes and saw the shadows there.
“Never mind,” she told him. “I can see for myself that something bad happened.”
“A patient,” he said sadly. “He was barely two. That’s wrong on so many levels. I never know what to say to the parents. How do you say you’re sorry for that?”
“You did everything you could,” she said, knowing it was true.
He squeezed her hand tighter. “I need to do more. I need to be able to save all of them and I don’t know how. I have equipment so complicated it would take a year to teach you how to use it. I can study cells and make predictions. I have access to cutting-edge medicine. But it’s all crap. In the end, I can’t save them all.”
Her heart ached for him. “No one expects you to.”
“Matt’s mother did. She sat in this office with hope in her eyes and asked for a miracle. I didn’t have one for her. She’s a single mother. Was a single mother. She was barely making it but she put all her hopes and dreams into that little boy. And last night those dreams ended.”
Crissy’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re not superhuman. You’re just a man.”
“A useless one,” he said, his voice thick with pain. “I was with them at the end. We both held him and then he was gone.” He glanced at the wall. “He liked the meerkats best.”
His pain filled the room and made it hard for her to breathe. How could he keep going through this time after time? How was there anything left? What price did he pay for caring so much? Did each child he lost take him back to Stacey’s death? After being in so much darkness, could there be any light at all?
He released her hand and stepped back. “I know why you’ve been avoiding me,” he said flatly.
She started to protest that she hadn’t been, then decided to spare them both the lie.
“I’m too intense,” he said. “The past five minutes would be a perfect illustration of that. I’m scaring you off and I don’t blame you for wanting to run.”
Did he really think that? Did he worry about losing her or did he want her gone?
“I don’t have any plans to run,” she said quietly. “Unless you want me to.”
“What? No. Crissy, sometimes my job is the best one on the planet and sometimes it’s the seventh level of hell. I can’t disconnect from what I do. It makes me want to crawl inside myself and never care again. But I do care, about the kids, about you. I can’t stop thinking about you and I’ve tried. You haunt me.”
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