by Shana Norris
Natalie was silent for a moment, then she said, “What are you saying? You don’t want me to come visit you?”
I swallowed, my dry tongue scraping across the roof of my mouth. “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. I don’t want you here. Natalie, I’m really sorry—”
“Save it. You know what, Hannah? I don’t believe anything you’re saying. You’ve been acting really weird for months. It’s like you think you’re better than everyone else. If you think you’re too good to be friends with me, you could have said it a long time ago.”
“Natalie—”
The phone beeped as the call was cut off. I stared at my phone, unable to believe that Natalie had actually hung up on me. The panic in my stomach had grown to a tightness in my chest and a stinging in my eyes.
The doorbell rang, and I remembered Aunt Lydia had run to the grocery store. Blinking quickly to hold back the tears in my eyes, I went to answer the door.
Jude stood on the front porch, his hands in his pockets. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” I greeted him, ignoring the way my stomach flip-flopped at the sight of him.
“Are you okay?” Jude asked, tilting his head as he studied me. “You look upset.”
I swiped at my eyes and then waved my hand. “It’s nothing. Not important. So what’s up?”
He didn’t really look convinced, but he didn’t press the issue. “You busy?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, just deciding what to wear tonight.”
He looked at my cutoff jean shorts and striped T-shirt. “I think you look great as you are.”
I blushed as I pushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. “Thanks.”
He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “So, I was wondering, if you’re not doing anything right now, do you want to go try to climb Chimney Rock?”
I didn’t know if I was ready to climb, but I needed something to take my mind off what had just happened with Natalie.
“Let’s go,” I said, slamming the door shut behind me before I could change my mind.
We rode in silence during the drive to Chimney Rock. I couldn’t stop thinking about the phone call with Natalie. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but I had spent so much time building the lies and the cover-ups that I couldn’t tell her the truth. If Natalie saw weakness, she would pounce on it. I had seen her tear down other people in school for things that were way out of their control.
She wasn’t bad all the time. After my fall-out with Avery and Elliott in seventh grade, I had been lonely and Natalie let me into her circle. She was loyal . . . if she liked you. I was eternally grateful that she had kept me from being friendless. The fact that she was Mom-approved: a good family, good status in the community, and good connections, was an added bonus.
I pushed aside thoughts of Natalie, determined to enjoy the day. Shadows of clouds slipped over the sides of the mountains as Jude sped along the road to the state park. It was so beautiful in Asheville, as if the mountains kept the outside world from intruding in. I imagined hiding out in Asheville for the rest of my life and never having to deal with my parents again.
I wondered if that was why Aunt Lydia had moved. Had she wanted to hide from everyone else?
Families and hikers filled the path up to Chimney Rock, some walking casually or sitting down to rest, while others marched forward with determined looks on their faces. I stared up at the rock towering overhead as we started up the trail. It was magnificent in its own terrifying way. I could see why Jude liked it. The way the rock structure was balanced, with the huge flat rock on top of the tower was something only nature could have thought to create.
The smell of trees filled my nose as we began the trek up the side of the mountain. Two little boys raced by me, laughing and calling out to each other as they ran along the rocky path. I wished I could run up the mountainside as easily as they did, but my legs trembled with each step I took. We made it all the way to a tall bridge of stairs that rose above us before dizziness passed over me. I squeezed my eyes shut and stopped walking.
“Let’s sit down,” Jude suggested.
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. Let’s keep going.”
I took a deep breath, one hand on the rail.
Jude raised his eyebrows at me, waiting.
I craned my head back to look up. It was too high, too far above the ground. Too easy for something to go horribly wrong.
I shook my head and stepped away. “I can’t.”
Jude slipped an arm over my shoulder. “Okay, that’s enough for today. Let’s go back down.”
We made our way down the rock in silence, Jude’s hand on my shoulder as we walked. Having his constant touch on me stopped the tremble in my legs.
“You know you’re already above sea level,” Jude said once we were in his truck and on the road back to his neighborhood. “Just being here in Asheville.”
“I know,” I said. “But this still feels like solid ground. Going on that bridge is different.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you,” Jude said as he turned a corner.
I wanted to look at him, but the flush creeping up my neck made it impossible for me to make eye contact with him. I turned instead and watched as a family walked down the street together, each parent holding the hand of a small child.
I couldn’t remember the last time my parents had been that relaxed and happy. Our last family vacation had been years ago, before the bank had gone national. I had a vague memory of my mom sitting on a beach towel, laughing at my dad, who had been pinched on the toe by a crab that he wouldn’t leave alone. The sun shimmered in Mom’s hair, making her look so pretty and young. Dad had tried to look mad, but even he ended up laughing.
It was probably one of the last family trips we’d had. After that, Dad became so involved in his work that Mom and I would go on vacations without him. For Mom, that meant appointments at the spa and nights at the bar—I was on my own to explore the sights.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I didn’t look at Jude as I spoke, hoping I wouldn’t lose the small amount of courage I had to say the words.
“Sure,” he said.
I squeezed my hands together between my knees as the truck bounced down the road. “My dad is addicted to pills,” I said. “Vicodin, mostly. It must have been going on for a while, but I’m not sure exactly how long. I found the bottles in my parents’ room. They didn’t even have his name on them, so I knew they weren’t his.”
It was the first time I’d spoken the words out loud. I had never told anyone before, not even Mark. He had found out from Mom, and I assumed Aunt Lydia had found out the same way.
“Do you mean before he died?” Jude asked. “Is that what happened to him?”
I bit my lip as guilt spread through me. This was my chance to tell him the truth—that my dad wasn’t really dead, he was just in rehab. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want Jude to know that I had lied to him.
Jude didn’t talk when I fell silent. He reached over and put his hand over mine. For a moment, the only sound was the soft squeaking of the truck’s shocks as it bumped down the road.
I swallowed as tears stung my eyes. “One day, at a party we were hosting, I found him passed out on his bedroom floor. We couldn’t wake him up. Mom was so afraid the neighbors would see and ask questions, so she made the ambulance come in the back way, to the back door. Like we had to sneak him out of the house to hide our shame. It’s been so hard trying to hide how broken we really are. I needed to get away from all of it.”
Jude ran a hand through his hair. “Is that why you’re here this summer?”
I nodded. “I couldn’t stand the thought of spending the summer with my mom, pretending everything was fine. I had to go somewhere else, so I came here.”
We reached Jude’s house and he pulled the truck to a stop in his driveway. I leaned forward, burying my face in my hands. Part of me couldn’t believe I had actually told Jude all of that, even if he still didn’t know the whole tr
uth.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m pretty messed up. It’s pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic,” Jude said, rubbing his hand over my head. “You’re a normal human being. We all have our little things we try to hide.”
I sat up and looked at him. “What’s yours then?”
He stared at the big tree through the windshield for a long time. A yellow T-shirt with the words “Chicks Dig Me” printed on the front hung from the tree limb. The muscles in Jude’s jaw twitched as he swallowed.
“I can’t move on from my brother’s death,” he said, “even though I know it’s time.”
“Maybe it’s not time,” I said. “Maybe you’re not ready.”
He shook his head. “It’s been ten months. It’s time, and I know it’s time. But I just can’t…” He took a deep breath. “You still want to know what’s up with the shirt in the tree?”
I nodded.
“They’re Liam’s shirts,” Jude said. “Before he left, he hung his favorite shirt in the tree. He said every time I came outside, it would be like he was watching out for us. He made me promise that I would keep a shirt hanging there until he came home and could take it down himself.”
Jude swiped at his eyes with his palms. “And I’ve kept it there,” he said, his voice growing husky. “For a year and a half, I’ve hung a shirt in that tree every day. Even after the guys in uniforms showed up at our door to tell us he was dead, I still kept my promise and hung a shirt in that damn tree. But he didn’t keep his promise.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, feeling him shudder next to me. His hand was warm when I slipped mine into it, my fingers filling the spaces between his.
“Sometimes, I’m so angry all I want to do is climb that rock and scream at him. He promised to come home and now I don’t know what to do without him. I can’t even paint my own truck because we were going to do it when he came back. I’m stuck in the exact same place I’ve been ever since he left, and I don’t know how to make myself move on. All of the things we planned, everything we said we would do together, it’s all gone. I had planned to enlist like he did and get money for college, but now it doesn’t even matter.”
Cars passed by on the street behind us. It was what life did, it kept moving on even when you couldn’t.
“Someone told me that the way you get yourself unstuck is to be the person you want to be, not the person you think you should be,” I said. “It’s okay to mourn your brother. It’s okay to be angry. But you’re still here and you still matter.”
He turned his head toward me. Our noses were only a breath apart.
“You’re the only person besides my brother who has ever said that,” Jude told me.
I smiled. “I don’t think anyone has ever said it to me.”
He reached up, trailing a finger over my chin. “You are not your parents, and you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. What they’ve done is not your problem.”
“Sometimes it feels like my whole life is a lie. Everything that people think they know about me isn’t true. And sometimes, I’m not even sure what I know about myself.”
“I know this person sitting right here,” Jude said. “And she matters.”
His lips were warm and soft, just the slightest brush across my nose sent a tingle sparking through me. Then over my cheek, my jaw, my chin. And finally his lips met mine in a kiss that made my body explode in sensation. My arms moved around his neck and his slipped around my waist, pulling me into him.
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. I had never felt this much longing for someone, had never felt this need to be as close as possible. I wanted to stay right there forever. Jude and I were the only two people in the entire world in that moment. Everything else had faded into nothing. It didn’t matter, only what was happening between the two of us was real.
Jude pulled back slightly, his breathing heavy as he looked at me. “Do you want to come inside?”
Chapter Thirteen
“Is your mom home?” I asked.
Jude shook his head. “She’s out,” was all he said, his voice tight.
The house had the stale odor of old cigarettes and newspapers. A thick layer of dust coated the table in the front entryway and the shade on the lamp was crooked. Jude led me into the kitchen, where dirty dishes littered the countertops. An ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts sat in the middle of the table and the trash can in the corner was stuffed with beer cans.
“Sorry,” Jude said. “I haven’t had a chance to clean today.”
I tried not to notice the cracked linoleum floor or the stained curtain that hung over the window. “It’s okay,” I said.
Jude walked with his head down, as if he couldn’t bear to look at the state of his own home. I wanted to tell him that it didn’t bother me, but the truth was, it did. I felt my nose crinkling up at the big, dark splotches that stained the beige carpet and the smell of cigarettes made my nose burn. I could hear my mother’s voice in my head. Filthy. Disgusting. Low class. Not our kind of people, Hannah.
I wanted to scream at my mother to get out of my head. This was Jude, the boy I’d been spending time with for weeks now. So what if his house didn’t look like mine?
Jude opened the door to a room and stepped inside. He didn’t turn on the light, so only dim sunshine filtered through the dark curtains. It was a small blue room and the bed took up most of the space. The pillows aligned just right at the top and the hospital corners marked the end of the mattress. Unlike the rest of the house, the room was clean, everything in its place.
“I like to keep it clean. I try with the rest of the house, but my mom . . .” He shrugged. “She’s not exactly the neatest person in the world.”
I felt him step closer as my eyes scanned the room, looking for signs of Jude in his room. A few books sat on a table, and his deodorant and cologne on the dresser. But other than that, there was nothing personal about the space.
“Where is all your stuff?” I asked. My room was filled with awards and pictures. Evidence of the life I had led.
“I threw out a lot of things after Liam died,” Jude told me. “Nothing seemed important anymore.”
He pointed to the door across the hall, which was closed. “That’s Liam’s room. It’s just like he left it the last time he was here, a few weeks before he deployed. It’s a disaster area.” Jude laughed. “Liam got that from my mom. They always told me I was the weird neat freak of the family.”
I slipped my arm around his waist, leaning my head against his shoulder. “Do you realize that’s the first thing you’ve told me that makes you different from your brother?”
Jude tensed against me for a moment, then relaxed. “I guess it is. I never could be as messy as he was. It drove me crazy. My cleaning drove him crazy, too.”
“See? You’re really not your brother, Jude. You don’t have to live in his shadow or try to be like he was.”
He let out a long breath, like he was letting go of something he’d been holding on to for a long time. “I know.”
Jude’s arm slipped around me and he pulled me into him. I pressed my ear against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. His fingers trailed up and down my arms, making me shiver at the tingles his touch spread over my skin.
I let Jude ease me down onto the bed. He moved over me, his lips pressing into mine. I closed my eyes, blocking out all thoughts of his house and my mom and the rules. The Hannah I wanted to be could do anything she wanted, and this moment, all I wanted was to be here with Jude.
My fingers slipped under the edge of Jude’s T-shirt and he raised himself up enough to pull it over his head, tossing the shirt aside. His skin felt like fire under my touch. I had never been this close to anyone, not even with Zac. It excited and terrified me at the same time. I wrapped my arms tightly around Jude’s neck, squeezing my eyes shut.
Jude’s fingers trailed over my skin, following the line of my ribs under my shirt. His hand slipped behind me and my bra fell
loose around my shoulders. His lips kissed me again, his tongue dancing with mine. I leaned up and let him pull my shirt off, not afraid of anything anymore. He pulled back slightly, looking into my eyes in a way no one ever had.
“You’re so beautiful, Hannah,” he said, his voice low and husky. “I don’t deserve a girl like you.”
I placed my hands on each side of his face, staring into those wide, gray eyes that made my heart flutter every time I looked at them. “You’re perfect, Jude,” I told him, meaning every word.
He smiled as he leaned down toward me, his hands exploring my body just as mine were exploring his, memorizing every line and muscle of his arms and chest. His heart pounded under his ribs just as hard as mine did. My body sizzled everywhere he touched me, and I was breathless, my head spinning a little. I kissed Jude harder, pressing myself against him. I wanted him to know me, to know all of me. I didn’t want any more secrets between us.
I opened my eyes, pulling away from him slightly. I needed to tell him the truth about my dad before anything else happened between us. I needed him to know everything. “Jude, I need to tell you—”
In the other part of the house, a thump sounded and then a door slammed shut. Another thump was followed by a curse.
Jude tensed, disentangling himself from me. “My mom,” he said.
I sat up, running a hand over my hair to smooth it down. “Will she be mad that I’m here?”
He shook his head. “I doubt she’ll even notice.” He grabbed his shirt off the floor and then pulled it back on.
I turned away, reaching for my bra and shirt and pulling them on quickly. It hit me how far we’d been, how far we could have gone. How I’d almost confessed my biggest secret to a guy I barely knew.
He took my hand and led me back to the kitchen. Despite Jude’s words, my stomach was a ball of nerves and I held my breath as we entered the room.
A woman stood at the refrigerator, leaning on the open door. She examined the contents for a moment, then slammed the door shut, muttering to herself. She turned, stumbling a bit, and reached out to catch her balance on the counter.