by Shana Norris
I clenched my hands together, taking a deep breath. It was quiet there, which was one of the things I liked about Keller-Burns. The center sat surrounded by tall pines and oaks, which made it feel separate from the rest of the city. Even through the closed windows of my car, I could hear birds chirping around us.
Jude didn’t say anything, he just sat with me until I was ready. He held my hand as we walked across the parking lot. A woman sat on the bench outside. She was thin and gaunt, her cheeks sunken into her face, and there were dark circles under her eyes. She didn’t look at us as we passed, and I had to repress a shudder. Did my dad look like that? He hadn’t when we’d dropped him off six weeks before, but I wasn’t sure what to expect.
The waiting room of Keller-Burns Rehabilitation Center smelled clean, like antiseptic and air freshener. We were searched for any prohibited items, which I had been warned about by the lady I’d spoken to when I arranged the visit, and we had to check our cell phones in at the front desk. We waited in hard gray chairs while someone notified my father that we were there. After a moment, the nurse came through a door and smiled at me.
“You can come on back, sweetie,” she said.
I looked at Jude.
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.
I bit my lip, then nodded.
He stood and walked at my side as we followed the nurse down a hall. Doors were open as we passed and I could peek inside to see patients sitting in their own rooms. Some looked healthy and coherent, while others lay on beds or sat in chairs staring out windows, their bodies so thin I could see bones poking through their skin.
My legs felt rubbery, but I pushed myself forward.
The nurse led us to a room near the end of the hall. She gestured toward the door, still smiling the same pleasant smile. How could she smile like that in a place so depressing? Did the way the patients looked or the things they’d been through not bother her at all?
I paused at the doorway, looking into the room. It was a nice room. Peach walls, with framed pictures of forest scenes. A bed sat against one wall, the sheets neatly made and the one pillow propped against the headboard. It looked normal.
“Hannah.” My dad stood from the chair where he was sitting. He folded his newspaper and set it aside.
I studied him as he came toward me. He looked like the same Dad I’d always known. Maybe a little thinner, but not too much. His hair was still graying at the sides and he still had the same neatly groomed mustache. He wore gray sweatpants and a blue T-shirt. It was weird to see him dressed so casually. I was used to seeing him suited up for work.
He hugged me without waiting for me to make the first move. I stiffened as his arms wrapped around me. How long had it been since my dad had hugged me? I couldn’t remember, but a memory of curling up in my dad’s lap as a little kid flashed through my head.
I hugged him tightly, burying my face in his shoulder.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered. He kissed the top of my head and smoothed my hair back.
When I stepped away, Dad smiled at Jude. “Hello. I’m Daniel Cohen.”
“Hello, sir,” Jude said, extending a hand toward my father. “Jude Westmore. I’m a friend of Hannah’s from Asheville.”
“Good handshake,” Dad said, beaming at Jude. He gestured toward his room. “Come in, come in. Sorry, I don’t have anything to offer you.” He grinned at his own joke.
I perched on the edge of the bed and Dad sat next to me while Jude took the chair. The room was silent as I tried to think of something to say. Throughout the whole ride from Asheville, I’d been trying to figure out the best thing to say when I saw my dad, but I couldn’t come up with anything. I had hoped that once I got there, the words would come naturally.
Dad put his warm hand over mine. “I’m sorry I haven’t called in a while,” he said.
I clenched my teeth and blinked my eyes, determined not to show weakness. Dad never liked weakness. “Why didn’t you?” I asked.
Dad sighed. “I have these bad days, Hannah. Days when all I want is one little pill and it’s everything I can do to stay sane. Some of the people here are much worse than I am. I hear them crying and screaming in their rooms. I don’t want to be like that, but sometimes I feel myself getting close.”
My dad looked down and adjusted his shirt. I quickly glanced at Jude, who had his hands folded neatly on his lap, his body leaned slightly forward at attention.
“Your birthday was one of those days. I wanted to be home, with you and your mom, and I hated that I was stuck in this place on your birthday. I hated myself for everything I’d done to us. And when the news broke, I felt like a failure all over again.” He rubbed a hand over my hair. “All I’ve ever wanted was to give you everything. I never meant for it to end up like this.”
I wanted to ask why he’d ever started taking the pills in the first place, but I didn’t know if I was ready to hear the answer.
Jude cleared his throat. “I’m going to see if I can find something to drink,” he said. “Hannah, Mr. Cohen, do you want anything?”
I shook my head and Jude left the room, closing the door behind him.
I bit my lip. Dad shifted in his seat.
“How is your summer?” he asked after a moment. “Are you enjoying your time in Asheville?”
I nodded. “It’s good. I met some new friends.”
“I see that,” Dad said. He leaned toward me and whispered, “You know your mother would hate him.”
A hot flush crept up my neck. “Jude is just a friend.”
“Just a friend who rode five hours to bring you to see your dad in rehab.”
“He’s a nice guy,” I said. “He’s been nice to me and he doesn’t make me feel bad about you being here.” The last words came out in a bitter tone. I blinked back tears, unable to meet my dad’s gaze.
Dad let out a long breath. “I’m really sorry, Hannah. I screwed up.”
I laughed, harsh and loud. “No kidding. You almost died, Dad! Do you know how scared I was? Do you know how frightening it is to see your father on the floor, not responding to you?”
Dad cringed as my voice grew louder. “I have a problem and I needed help.”
“You messed up our family!” I shouted at him. I had never yelled at my dad like that before. It felt good to get the words out, everything I had kept bottled up inside for months. “You made me have to lie to my friends about everything. Even Mom won’t talk about you being here, like you’re just on vacation. Do you know how humiliating it is to have the news that your dad is in rehab plastered all over the newspapers and TV?”
Dad looked at me with shining eyes. “You’re right, and I can never make it up to you. All I can say is how sorry I am.”
Fury sizzled out of me and I slumped next to Dad, my throat tight with a sob. “I wanted to forget about everything this summer and not be myself. I wanted to be someone different for a while, but I could never really stop thinking about you and Mom.”
Dad rubbed my back. “You deserve to have some fun, to be just a kid for a little while.”
I raised my eyebrows. I had never heard my dad say that.
He laughed. “Don’t look so surprised. Being here has taught me that not everything in life is about getting ahead or being the best. I’ve put so much focus on building the bank all these years. Everything in my life was about getting to the top. I forgot to take time to relax and enjoy it. I don’t want the same to happen to you.” His pushed a lock of my hair back from my face. “I see so much of myself in you, Hannah. I’m worried that you push yourself too hard. That we push you too hard. I want you to be seventeen. I still want you to be the best you can be and do everything you want to do, but I also want you to have fun doing it.”
This was it. Now or never. “I don’t want to go to Yale,” I blurted out.
Dad blinked. “I thought you always wanted to go to Yale.”
“No,” I said slowly. “You and Mom always said I should go to Yale, so I went along with it. But it�
�s not what I really want.”
Dad crossed his ankle over his knee and folded his hands on top of his leg. “Okay. Where would you like to go then?”
I took a deep breath. “I’ve been looking at some liberal arts colleges. Some place without so much pressure to be the absolute best.”
Dad laughed. “Liberal arts! Your mom will love that.”
I laughed, too. “Well, I was hoping maybe you could break the news to her.”
Dad reached over and pulled me close to him. “All right. I’ll figure out a way to let her down gently.” He sighed. “Your mother already has the ‘My daughter goes to Yale’ bumper sticker, you know.”
“Maybe I can get her a new one,” I said, grinning at him.
Dad kissed my head and I smiled as I cuddled closer to him.
“So,” Dad said, “tell me all about what you’ve been doing this summer. Something seems different about you, and I think it looks good on you.”
I grinned. “Thanks.” Even though I was trying hard not to care what anyone else thought, it still felt good to have my dad’s approval.
#
“It’s a long drive,” I said as I stood at the door with Dad, an hour later.
He nodded. “I know.” He hugged me again and kissed my cheek. “Enjoy the rest of your summer. I’ll see you when you come home.”
I walked down the hall with Jude, feeling happier than I’d felt in a long time. I still needed to work things out with Mom and tell her about my plans for the future, but I didn’t want to worry about that yet. Dad was supportive and, for the first time, I felt hopeful that things could get better.
Jude and I climbed into my car and I pulled out onto the highway to start back west. I smiled to myself, enjoying the trees stretching out on each side of the road.
“Ready to go back to Asheville?” Jude asked.
The sign reading WILLOWBROOK NEXT EXIT drew closer as my car sped down the highway.
A new thought occurred to me. “You know what? I have one more thing I want to do.” I clicked the right turn signal as the exit approached and then eased the car into the off ramp.
Jude didn’t say anything, he just looked out the window as we drove into Willowbrook. It was a small town, mostly homes with a small downtown area and a few big box stores.
“So this is your hometown?” Jude asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “Not much to see, but it’s not so bad. It’s home.”
I knew just where to look for Natalie on a hot summer day. I drove to the country club and spotted her white BMW in the parking lot.
My family had a membership to the Willowbrook Country Club, so once I’d signed Jude in as my guest, I lead the way out to the pools.
Natalie was exactly where I’d expected her to be, laying out in her usual pool lounge chair. Her hot pink bikini shone against her tanned brown skin and her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail.
“Hey, Natalie,” I said as I approached her. I bit my lip, wondering how she would react.
Natalie pulled her yellow sunglasses down from her eyes and peered at me, her lips tight. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Paris?” Her tone told me that she was still angry with me.
I took a deep breath, encouraging myself to go ahead before I could change my mind. “No, um, actually, that’s why I’m here,” I started. “I wanted to apologize to you. I never actually went to Paris.”
Natalie sneered at me. “So where have you been hiding out then?”
“Asheville,” I admitted. “I’ve been staying with my aunt. My mom went to Paris, but I decided not to go with her. After what happened with my dad . . .” I bit my lip, then continued. “I just wanted to hide from everything.”
Natalie stared up at me, but she didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, her gaze moved toward Jude, who stood just behind me.
“Who’s that?” she asked, looking him up and down. She sat up straighter, pushing tendrils of brown hair out of her face.
Jude extended a hand toward her. “I’m Jude. I’m a friend of Hannah’s from Asheville.”
Natalie shook his hand, smiling coyly up at him. “Maybe I’ll have to spend next summer in Asheville, too.”
I laughed. If there was one thing that could make Natalie forget about being angry, it was the prospect of hot new guys.
“I’m really sorry I lied to you,” I said, sitting on the edge of her chair. “I was embarrassed about my dad’s problem and I didn’t want anyone to know about it.”
She pushed wisps of hair out of her face, watching kids splash in the pool nearby. Then she said, “I can understand that. But I thought we were friends. I thought we trusted each other.”
“I have a hard time trusting people,” I told her. “But I’m trying. And I’d like to keep being friends.”
I expected her to tell me to get lost, but she didn’t. She poked out her lower lip a little as she considered my words, then said, “I’d like that, too. It’s really hard to find a new best friend this late in our high school careers anyway.”
I leaned forward to hug her, trying not to get suntan oil on my clothes. “I have to go, but I’ll call you. I’ll be back home in a few weeks and we’ll hang out.”
I had a bit of a spring in my step as we left the country club. “Hey, are you hungry?” I asked Jude.
He nodded. “I could use something to eat. What’s good around here?”
“The Rose Castle,” I said without hesitation. “They have the best pizza and milkshakes.”
“The Rose Castle?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “It is fancy here. Let’s go,” Jude told me. I punched him playfully in the arm and we got in the car.
The parking lot at the Rose Castle was packed when we pulled in, even though it was late afternoon.
As we walked toward the door, I saw a sign in the window that read: Midday Comedy!
As we stepped into the restaurant, my gaze immediately went to the stage at one end. There was Zac, bouncing around the stage, his face lit up as he spoke into the microphone he gripped in one hand. The audience laughed and clapped as he spoke.
Jude and I found a table and a waitress came over to take our orders. “What do you recommend?” Jude asked me.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Do you trust me?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” he said.
“Great!” I straightened up cheerfully. “We’re getting the burgers.”
I ordered burger meals for both of us with extra cheese and large tater tots. While we waited for our food, we listened to Zac’s routine.
“That guy’s pretty good,” Jude said.
Zac finished his routine while we were eating our burgers. I watched him come down from the stage and head over to a table where Avery James was sitting. She stood up as he approached, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug and then kissing him. Zac’s face shone as he smiled wider than I’d ever seen him smile.
Seeing Zac’s smile made me realize what I’d known for a long time: he and Avery were perfect for each other. What had started as a stupid idea to get back at Avery and get Zac to break up with me had actually turned out to be something good.
With a twinge of guilt, I remembered Avery’s emails in my trash folder. The ache in my stomach reminded me that I missed her.
“I need to do one more thing really quick,” I told Jude. “Be right back.”
I made my way through the tables toward where Zac and Avery were still sitting, cuddled together on one side of the booth.
“Hey, guys,” I said.
They looked up. Zac’s mouth fell open in surprise. “Hannah,” Avery said. “You’re back in town? How are you? Sit down!” She gestured toward the seat across from them and I slid in, tapping my fingers on the table.
“I’m not back for good,” I explained. “Just for today. I’m here with a friend, visiting my dad.” I nodded in Jude’s direction. “But we stopped to get something to eat and I saw you up there on the stage.” I smiled at Zac. “You were really good
.”
“Thanks,” he said. He cocked his head to one side and studied me. “You look better. Happier.”
I nodded, feeling warmth spread through me. He was right. “I am. I’m doing good. All things considered,” I added with a little laugh. “But I wanted to come over and say I’m really glad that things worked out for you two, and I’m really sorry about what I put you both through. It was wrong of me to lie to you and use you like I did. I’m sorry.”
Avery and Zac looked at each other for a moment before turning back to me. “Of course we forgive you,” Zac told me. “We’ve already forgiven you. Everything worked out well in the end. How can I be mad when I’m so happy?” He hugged Avery close to his side.
“I’m glad,” I said. “You guys are great together. And when I get back, maybe we could hang out sometime?”
Avery reached over and squeezed my hand. “We’d like that, Hannah.”
Jude appeared at our table, holding our milkshakes in each hand. “You about ready to go?” he asked me.
“Yeah.” I introduced Jude to Avery and Zac, and then we said good-bye and headed out to my car.
“Everything okay?” Jude asked me.
I grinned widely, watching Jude sip his milkshake. I wondered if my smile looked like Zac’s had moments earlier. “Everything is perfect.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
When we arrived back in Asheville, we sat down on the front steps of Aunt Lydia’s house. Jude picked at some long pieces of grass next to his leg. He’d been quiet as we’d gotten closer to Asheville. The sun was setting behind the mountains in the distance and twilight was beginning to fall around us.
Jude ran a hand over his head. “I came here for another reason. I . . . I didn’t want to leave without saying good-bye.”
I swallowed. “You’re leaving?”
“I’m leaving early tomorrow morning to catch a plane for basic training in Georgia.” He shrugged as he gave me a half-smile. “I finally figured out how to get my life unstuck. Things started moving fast after that.”
“How long will you be gone?” I asked, hugging my knees to my chest.
“Basic training is ten weeks,” he said. “Then I’ll go to advanced individual training somewhere. I don’t know where yet.”