by Richa Resa
I walked out of my silent office, making my way downstairs. A silence that was now omnipresent in my life. Being it late, there weren’t many people to look at the broken man I had become. I was in a sudden need to be back home in our room. I was in need of Eunice right now, but I didn’t have her. I had to make myself content with her memories and the only locket that was left behind. I wished more than once for a miracle to happen and she would be right beside me, but I knew it couldn’t happen. God was not with me and miracles didn’t happen—not with me, because I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve anything good.
As I drove towards my house, I could remember the small moments in my life with her that made me smile. The small moments of happiness that I now cherished forever. Her voice, her rosy scent mixed with a hint of lavender, her smooth skin, her soft lips could bring me to life in a second. Still now, even just a glimpse of her could bring me down to my knees and make me treat her like the goddess she was. I didn’t know why, but I kept on looking on the streets in the anticipation of seeing her, wishing for a miracle to happen to see her just for today—maybe because this was our special day. I wished to see her smile so I could cherish that moment too. However I couldn’t find her in the swarm of people all around, and it wasn’t possible for my wishes to come true. I rushed home, to be in the safe haven of my room before I went crazy looking for Eunice in the city. I didn’t want to hurt her—not today at least. A day of our love wasn’t to be turned into something hurtful for both of us. I just wanted to sleep and walk down memory lane with sweet dreams of us on this important day in our life.
Parking my car, I found myself in a hurry to get inside my safe haven. I pushed open the door of the house instantly. I don’t know why, but I felt more and more urgency to be inside as I got closer to home. As I closed the door and took a breath of relief, I felt something different about the house. It felt like home. I found this place to be different than from past two months. Today it felt warm; the warmth of love was in here. Setting aside my bag, I walked slowly upstairs, taking in the warmth that filled the air inside the house. The house felt alive, like something had changed. My heart beat faster. I was anticipating something. I felt in my gut that there was something behind all of this, something big. As I approached the door, I didn’t know why my heart was restless like she was inside. With shaky hands and spiked heartbeat, I held the knob and turned it gently. Pushing open the door slightly, my nostrils were filled with the rosy scent of Eunice. My body felt more than alive and I willingly drowned in the scent. I felt an urgency to be inside; I pushed the door wide open.
“Eunice,” I whispered, seeing her sitting right there on our bed. She was right there in front of me, in a rosy dress highlighting her body. Her brown eyes glistened with tears, her soft lips coated with red and warmth and life radiating off her body. Had my wish been granted? Was she really here? Or was my mind playing a dirty trick on me? Was I hallucinating? My love, to be here right in front of me. Was this a miracle? I blinked many times to be sure. She was here, here in this house. She was the change here, she made this house more of a home with her love.
“Eunice,” I whispered once again and found myself walking towards her on my own with tears running down my face. I could see a lone tear tracing down her cheek, making me realize completely that she was here. A miracle was here. I was just few meters away from her when I stopped. I stopped and fell on my knees in front of her—for our love, for us. Just one look of her had weakened me, bringing me to my knees. I sat there in front of her, basking in her warm gaze.
“Joshua,” slipped through her lips as tears streamed down her face. In that moment, I broke down in front of her. I cried my heart out because there was nothing better than being with her. There was no other joy in my life than having her. There was no other bigger happiness.
And I was home…
After so many days, I was home…
Because home was where she was…
And right now I was home with her in here…
I was home because she was my home…
Chapter 15
Eunice
“Joshua,” I whispered. He was here, in this room that we shared. A room he’d walked out of. He was back here. Tears streamed from my eyes. He was back…but was he? He was back, but now I was lost. He had found his way home but I was gone—dead on the inside. Was this a game where he found himself and I lost myself? What was this about? Why did my heart feel like a heavy burden? It sought the happiness that was once there. My heart craved our happy past after so long and I couldn’t find it without being here.
I asked Alex for the key this evening—more like pleaded him for it. I wanted to be back here with those two bands on my fingers. All day I tried to keep myself away from those memories. I tried hard to stay focused on work, to stay focused in the present and not dwell in the past. Clarisse and Nora stayed with me too long, but they had to go eventually. They had their own things to do and I couldn’t keep them. My heart and those rings made me come here. They made me. The two bands made me itch with the realization that I needed to be here just for today. I wanted to once again feel myself alive—even if it was just in memory. I hated this desperation. I hated it, but coming here in this room, in this house, I felt alive. Everywhere I looked, a happy memory flashed, and I didn’t regret coming here.
For tonight I was home.
“You’re here,” he said, his voice barely audible. Down on his knees, he was crying with me. I looked at the shiny band sitting on his finger and something broke in me. I didn’t know what, but something broke and I burst out in sobs, deep sobs that affected my whole body. I let my hands hold my head while I cried the world out. He was wearing it. He had found himself back home, back to where his heart was but I was still lost. I was gone while he was back. I felt his rough hands pry my hands from my face.
“Please don’t. Please don’t,” he whispered hoarsely. “Don’t, please don’t cry because of me. Don’t, Eunice,” he begged. Tears cascaded down both of our faces. His green eyes were no longer cold. They were filled with love, guilt, and regret, the one emotion I had begged God to let me see once again. What a twisted fate had God written for us. I got what I wanted, but only when I was broken, broken too deep inside; his actions of the past left scars deep inside of me. I was the wife who couldn’t keep her husband happy, a wife who didn’t know how to satisfy her husband, who didn’t know what family was. But biggest of all, I was the person who didn’t know how to keep secrets behind closed doors. I didn’t know anything according to them, but if only they knew what the truth was, what I had gone through, what he had gone through, what our lives, our marriage had gone through. They didn’t know, and I was painted as a weak, bad wife.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Eunice. I’m sorry for what I did to you. Sorry for every wound I inflicted on you. I am sorry,” he said as his rough hands wiped away my tears. His eyes were full of guilt. I was crying for the person I had lost. I was crying for the love that we had. This love which I was on the verge of losing but couldn’t. This love was painful, filled with obstacles, but I didn’t want to let it go.
I looked at him and saw only love. I reached up and wiped away his tears. As I looked deeper into his eyes, the memories kicked in. The bad and the good, the worst and the best times of my life with him. My heart and soul were in pain, but that last strand of our love bound me to him, and it was enough for me. Why did we have to be this way? Why did the hurt come with happiness? Why couldn’t I forget the storm in our life? Why couldn’t I forget it for just tonight? Why couldn’t we be who we were before?
“Why…Joshua? Why can’t we be who…we…were? Can’t we forget…it? Why can’t we…be the Joshua and Eunice we were? Why can’t we go back…in time and change…things? Why can’t those…mistakes be changed? Why? Why can’t we be two people in…love? Just…for…tonight, can’t we…be what…we…were three years ago? Can’t we?” I sobbed, staring right in his eyes. I meant every word I said. Just for ton
ight I wanted that normalcy I had lost, I needed the life I had before, wished to relive the love I felt previously. Just for tonight.
He looked at me intensely as fresh tears welled up in his eyes.
“I’m…sorry, Eunice. I am sorry. I can’t. I can’t do this to you…I can’t be the Joshua…I once was,” he answered, making my heart writhe in pain. He didn’t want me or need me. I was no one to him. But his next words assured me of something.
“I love you, Eunice. I swear…from my bleeding heart…I love you…and only you, Eunice, but I can’t do this, not now. Just not…now. I am fucked…up, Eunice. I am fucked up and…I need to…cure myself. I need to get rid of the monster…that resides inside me,” he added, making me feel relieved and sad at the same time. Monster inside me. I wanted to help him. I wanted to be with him even if it was just for tonight. I was desperate to be in his arms, wrapped around the love he showered me with once again. I shook my head, not happy with his answer as fresh tears rolled down my cheek. I took my hands off his face, only to have him stop me. His warm hands on my cold ones made my heart flutter.
“I don’t want to…destroy you once again, Eunice. I’m scared. I fear if I try to be back with you now, I would hurt you somehow. I would destroy the Eunice who had regained herself. I love you. I have lost you…once…and in no way would I want to lose you again. I need time. Time to heal myself, time to be that Joshua you…fell in love with.
“I need to be the man you fell for, Eunice. I need to get rid of the monster I am. Because of that, no matter how much I want you, I can’t have you. Not till…I am half the man I once was. I love you and I never want to lose you, not again. Please understand me, Eunice. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and break your heart. I don’t want that bad guy inside me to hurt you. I want to love you more than ever, Eunice, but I am…not sure about myself. That’s the reason I can’t take the…risk of losing you by doing this.” Tears rolled down his cheeks and pain filled his voice. I wanted to understand this reasoning. I wanted to let my mind and soul stop this wish of mine, but my desperation just wanted to feel that love we once had. I wanted to be loved for tonight, just for tonight.
“I just want to go back to what we truly were together, Joshua. Just for tonight…I want to feel that love that once flourished between us. I want to be loved and devoured in happiness, just for tonight. I understand you, Joshua, but for tonight I need you, I crave you…I just want to feel like I have someone in my life to love me. Can’t you see my desperation, Joshua? I have been suffering for the past eight months. Can’t I have one day away from what I…have suffered, what we have suffered? Just one night to be what we really were. I don’t care if you hurt me tomorrow morning, because then I can go back to being dead, but for tonight I need to be alive. I need…something to hold onto, something to stop me from killing myself, something to stop me from going back into that darkness where I once was.”
“The only person…who can stop me from going there is you, Joshua, only you. So…I beg you and plead you to just love me tonight, to celebrate this night as it should have been,” I sobbed. I wanted to hold onto something—something that could prevent me from falling down, something that could give me some strength to stand in this biased world. I could be called an idiot or a desperate person in love—I didn’t care. I stared in those teary green eyes which held love and regret. I pleaded God to have him just hear me. I didn’t care if he hurt me tomorrow, because then I could go back to hating him for destroying us, but for tonight I truly needed him.
“I love you, Eunice, and I always will for who you are. I will always love you for loving me this much,” he said, love and desperation in his voice. From his words, I could feel he had made the decision not to hear me.
I was feeling more broken than ever. Was it too difficult to give me one night of love and happiness? As I looked away from him and let fresh tears take their course, I felt his hands on my face. Taking my chin in his hands, he looked at me while his eyes shone bright with love. Within seconds he closed the gap between us by locking his lips with mine. It took me the smallest time unit in the world to respond to him. His lips over mine sent a sizzling energy through me. His hands wiped away the tears on my cheeks while our kiss grew intense and passionate. Our lips and tongues danced in sync like they were meant to be.
My hand reached up to his hair, tugging on it. A low moan escaped from deep down his throat, making me turn to jelly in his hands. This passionate kiss made me feel wet to my core. I could feel myself burning in this passionate fire of love. I let this moment sink in by closing my eyes. I wanted to imprint each moment of this night over my broken soul. I was desperate to feel this love. I wanted to take all of this, take all of what he gave me. I wanted all he could give me, just for tonight. His lips left my own and I felt them trailing soft kisses down my neck. I felt alive. His every touch had me shivering and making me feel something new. A moan escaped my lips, making me tug his hair harder. His lips sucked on my neck, making me moan louder, and suddenly they were gone. My eyes snapped open, looking at him. Was he going to leave me, ask me to walk away? Was this what he meant by his words? Was this his intention?
He stood up. Was he walking away from me? Before I could think more, he bent down, putting his arm under my legs, and picking me up from the bed. I was in his arms in the bridal style.
“We’re going to do this the right way. This night is going to be the same way it should have been spent. A night filled with love and only true love,” he said, looking at me intensely, his eyes filled with love and lust. I could see the love overpowering lust. He loved me—he truly did.
Laying me down on the center of the bed carefully, he dropped down his suit jacket. His eyes raked all over my body. His body hovered over mine, and once again he captured my lips with his. His hands roamed over my body as mine did on his. I moaned his name from this deep, satisfactory feeling inside of me. The zipper of my dress was undone, and I could feel his hands touching my skin, making goose bumps appear all over my body. I felt alive—an electric feeling ran through my body. I unbuttoned his shirt. I loved the feeling of roaming my hands all over his chest. I loved my skin in direct contact with his. I felt his member hardening and pressing into me. A moan escaped my lips. His excited member made me feel so intense that I was a goner right then and there. I was more than alive with him. I was home in his arms, I was alive in his arms…
Everywhere he touched, I gave in to him more and more. Our clothes, undone, were now residing on the floor and our bodies were hot and sweaty, tangled with each other—a night filled with moans and grunts of the most intense love making of my life. Only Joshua could do this. We devoured each other’s bodies in the dim light.
This was love…
This was home…
This was us…
A fucked up us…
An us who loved each other…
Chapter 16
Joshua
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t since I woke up early in the morning. It was impossible to sleep with Eunice beside me. As she lay next to me, I couldn’t look away from her sleeping figure. I was entranced by her beauty. Her hair was lighter and shorter than before, but the way it sprawled on the pillow…she had my body craving for more of her. My eyes stayed wide open, taking in every inch of her face and body, taking in every strand of her beauty and every part of her. I wanted to imprint every moment with her deep in my mind and heart. She was beautiful and there was no denial in it. The way her chest rose and fell while she breathed made my body react in a different, good way.
The images of last night flashed through my mind. It was a night filled with love and pleasure. A night that made my heart flutter, made me happy like never before. I felt home, I felt wanted, but most of all I felt loved by her. Only she could love me like this. Only she could make me feel this happy. My hands twitched to touch her. My fingers caressed her rosy cheeks. They were soft like silk under my fingertips. She stirred beside me, making my heartbeat spike. I didn�
��t want her to wake up and walk away. I wanted to enjoy her presence as long as I could.
“Hmmm,” she moaned and turned. Before I knew it, her head was on my chest with her hair sprawled over my body. Her one hand rested right beside her face on my chest. I looked at her for a long time before taking a breath of relief. I smiled, knowing she was asleep, giving me more time with her. She was something—she was more than something. Her one touch made me feel like I had everything. This intimate position of ours made me feel alive. She made electricity run through my body. My gaze settled on the innocence of her face. It felt like I was seeing her for the first time. Pure beauty with pure innocence and love.
Every part of her was more than perfect. She was a true beauty, not only from outside, but from inside as well. Seeing her so vulnerable last night had my world crumbling down. I was scared from the inside. There were still those fragments left of that monster inside me. I was afraid of losing myself. I was scared my happiness wouldn’t last, that this moment of contentment would come crumbling down, making us both end up in devastation. I didn’t want that for her, she didn’t deserve anymore suffering. She deserved pure love with trust and loyalty, something I stole away from her. She deserved someone whose one smile would make her eyes sparkle with happiness, and I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be better for her and only her. I wanted to be the Joshua she deserved, the Joshua she loved.