“Is Johnny goin’, too?”
“Nope. Tomorrow is strictly a Meagan day.”
“Yay!” she squealed, her mood instantly improved.
Later, with the children tucked in bed, the kitchen cleaned, and the house put back into a semi-ordered fashion, Rachel collapsed into her overstuffed sofa and heaved a mountainous sigh. Her chest felt heavy, a sensation she’d come to expect.
Be still, and know that I am God.
“I know, Lord,” she whispered, breathing deeply. “But it’s hard. Sometimes, I don’t feel Your presence. I will never understand why You took John.”
Be still….
She leaned down and pulled John’s Bible from a stack of books beneath the coffee table, guiltily wiping off a fine layer of dust. “Lord, I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even opened Your Word for weeks. What kind of a Christian am I, anyway? Shoot, what kind of a parent am I? I can’t even find time in a day to read Meagan a book.”
Be still….
“I’m trying.”
She opened the leather book, noting many highlighted verses interspersed throughout the slightly worn pages. John had been an avid reader, putting her to shame. She knew God more with her head than her heart, but John had known Him with both. She missed his wisdom, his courage, and his strength. Most days, it felt like she was floundering without her other half. If only she’d had the chance to say good-bye—then, maybe, she’d have fewer gnawing regrets. She gave her head a couple of fast shakes to blot out the memory.
I will never leave you nor forsake you, came the inner voice. It sounded good, but could she truly believe it?
***
Saturday morning dawned bright and full on the horizon, the skies a brilliant blue. The heady scent of roses wafted through her bedroom window. If John were still alive, he’d have headed out at daybreak and picked her a bouquet for the breakfast table. She smiled at the thought. Gentle, cool breezes played with the cotton curtains, causing shadows to dance jubilantly across the ceiling. She hauled her downy comforter up to her chin and turned her head to glance at the vacant pillow on the other side of the king-sized bed. His side always remained unruffled, no matter how much she tossed and turned in the night.
Two doors down, Johnny stirred, his yelps for attention growing by decibels. On cue, her breasts sent out an urgent message that it was feeding time. “I’m coming, Johnny Cakes,” she called out, then sighed as she tossed back the blankets, donned her robe, and stepped into her slippers. She padded across the room, stopping briefly to touch the framed photo of John and her on their wedding day before continuing to the nursery, where her towheaded, nine-month-old baby was waiting in his Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas. Oh, how she thanked the Lord she still had her beloved children. Yes, they wore her to a frazzle, but they also kept her grounded.
When the doorbell rang at nine o’clock on the dot, Meagan sailed through the house in her pink, polka-dotted shorts and matching shirt, her blonde hair flying, and made a running leap into her grandpa’s waiting arms, wrapping her legs around his middle. Tom Evans laughed heartily and planted a kiss on her cheek, and Donna smiled, tousling the child’s head.
“Grandpa Evans!” Meagan squealed, reaching up to cup his cheeks with her hands. “You and Grandma are taking me to the circus!”
“No! Are you sure?” He feigned surprise. “I thought we were just going for a walk in the park.”
“Uh-uh. Mommy says we’re goin’ to the circus. What’s a circus, anyway?”
Tom laughed and began explaining what she should expect at the circus, while Donna took Johnny from Rachel’s arms and moved to the bay window for a look at the gleaming sunshine.
While her father-in-law talked to Meagan, Rachel looked on, getting glimpses of John in his every gesture. Tom Evans’s manner of speech, his pleasant face, his lean, medium build, the way he angled his head as he spoke, and even his rather bookish, industrious nature put her in mind of John.
She then thought of Jason, sort of the black sheep of the family, only in the sense that he was just the opposite with his tall, strongly built frame, cocoa-brown hair and eyes, and reckless, devil-may-care personality. And he was terribly likable to everyone—except Rachel, even though she, John, and Jason had been almost inseparable during their high school and college years. They had stuck together despite Jason’s penchant for weekend parties and John’s utter dislike of them; Jason had spent so much time socializing, it was a wonder he’d even graduated. But she and Jason had grown apart, especially after the accident, and she hadn’t seen him since last Christmas—her own choice, of course.
Tom stepped forward to plant a light kiss on Rachel’s cheek. “How are you doing these days, Rachel?”
“I’m all right,” she said with a mechanical shrug and a wistful smile. She never felt like discussing her innermost feelings Tom narrowed his gaze as he set Meagan down. The child scooted over to her grandma, who smiled down at her, then looked up at Rachel and said, “Say, why don’t you stop by the house tomorrow afternoon? You haven’t been over for such a long time.”
Visiting her in-laws’ home was like walking into yesterday, and Rachel didn’t know if she was ready to pass over the threshold again. The last few times had been too painful; she’d found herself glancing around the house and expecting John to come barreling out of one of the rooms. Silence followed as she bit down hard on her lip.
“Jason is coming home,” Donna went on, bouncing Johnny as she moved away from the window. “He called yesterday, and I convinced him to come for dinner. He hasn’t been home for a couple of months. I know he’d love to meet little Johnny. He asks about him every time he calls, and you know how much he loves and misses Meagan.”
Just hearing Jason’s name incited painful memories packed with guilt. For a time, Rachel had hated Jason, even blamed him for John’s death. Now, she just resented him for reasons she couldn’t define. In high school, the phrase “Three’s a crowd” had never applied to them. Instead, “All for one, and one for all” had been their motto—until she and John had become a couple, that is. After that, the chemistry among the three of them had changed. Oh, she’d had warm feelings for both brothers, and she’d even dated Jason off and on, but John ultimately had won her heart in his final two years of college with his utter devotedness to her, his promise of a bright future, and his maturity and passionate faith.
“What do you say, Rachel?” Donna asked, turning her head to keep Johnny from pulling on one of her dangling, gold earrings.
“Yes, you should come,” echoed Tom.
“I—I’m not sure. I think my parents are stopping over.”
“Oh? I think they’re coming straight from church to our place for lunch. They didn’t mention that?” Donna asked, bobbing Johnny in her arms. The two families had always been close, having lived in neighboring towns and attended the same church for years. Then, when Rachel and John had gotten married, the bond had grown tighter still.
“Um, I guess they did, but I…I forgot.” Panic raced through Rachel from head to toe. She didn’t want to see Jason, couldn’t picture him in a room without John there, too.
“Rachel.” Donna touched Rachel’s arm, her eyes moist. “We miss John more than you can imagine, but—we still have Jay. His birthday is Tuesday, remember? Won’t you come and help us celebrate it like old times?”
Jason’s birthday. She’d forgotten all about it. Yes, she did recall celebrating it as a family, just as they’d celebrated hers, John’s, and every other family member’s.
“I’m sorry; I just don’t feel like celebrating anything or anyone.”
“But he’s your brother-in-law, sweetheart. Don’t you want to see him? Remember how the three of you used to be so inseparable?”
“Mom, please,” Rachel warned her. “It’s all different now.”
“Of course, I know that. But—”
“Leave it be, Donna,” Tom said sternly. Meagan, growing as restless as a filly, tugged at her grandfather’s pant leg. “I can
understand why Rachel wouldn’t want to see Jason. Too many memories, right, Rachel?” He reached up and touched her shoulder. “It’s probably for the best—you two keeping your distance, at least for now.”
She swallowed a tight knot and released a heavy breath. “Thanks.”
Donna blinked. “Well, if that’s how you feel…. But, at some point, I hope you’ll reconsider.” She shifted her fidgety body and frowned at her husband, then smiled down at Meagan and tweaked her nose. “Well, we should be getting to that circus, don’t you think, pumpkin?”
“Yes!” Meagan jumped with unadulterated glee. Oh, to be that innocent, Rachel thought.
“We’ll try not to be too late getting her home. How ’bout trying to get some rest when you put Johnny down?” Tom asked as Donna handed Johnny off to her. “You look plain tuckered out.”
It sounded wonderful, but also completely unrealistic, considering the overflowing baskets of dirty clothes in the laundry room, the teetering pile of dishes in the kitchen sink, and the brimming wastebasket in every bathroom. Whoever said “A woman’s work is never done” must have been a single mom, Rachel thought. Then, nodding with a forced smile, she saw the circus-goers to the door.
Chapter 2
September’s azure skies were his canopy as Jason whizzed north on US-31 on his way to his parents’ house. Unfortunately for the cluster of cows he spotted standing off in the middle of what should have been a grassy field, days of smoldering heat and a lack of rain had turned the rolling hillsides as brown as straw. He adjusted the radio dial from mellow rock to talk, then moved the AC knob up a notch. For some reason, he tilted the rearview mirror down to check his appearance. He wasn’t a vain man, but even he wasn’t blind to the new wrinkle in his forehead. Probably due to his years of squinting at the sun on the slopes. Candace said it lent to his ruggedly handsome appearance. Right.
Tuesday would be his thirtieth birthday, one reason he’d agreed to join his folks for Sunday dinner. He wasn’t in the celebrating mood, but he’d decided to come for his mom’s sake. She always had been big on birthdays, even going so far as to buy Rosie, the family mutt—some kind of terrier/poodle/spaniel mix—a bone when her special day came around.
Jason felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. Keeping his eyes on the road, he pulled it out, then glanced down at the number. “Hi, Candace,” he said, looking back at the road.
“Hey! How’s your drive going? Are you almost there?”
“A few more miles. What’s up?”
“Does something have to be up for me to want to talk to the man I love?”
He gave an absent smile and silently berated himself for his lack of tact. “Are you on break?”
“Why do you answer all of my questions with questions?”
“Do I do that?” he teased.
“You just did it again.”
He chuckled into the receiver. “It’s hotter than blazes today.”
“I wouldn’t know. I’ve been stuck in this hospital since seven this morning. What time do you think you’ll be getting home?”
“No idea. I’ll stick around here for a while. I haven’t seen my folks for several weeks. If I know my mom, she’ll want to talk my ear off. I’ll call you when I get home, if it’s not too late.”
“I wish I could’ve come along, especially since they’re celebrating your birthday,” Candace said in a pouty tone.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t, hon.” It was a partial truth. Frankly, he rarely brought her home because of the questions. “How serious are you two?” his mom always asked. “Are wedding bells in your future?” By not bringing Candace around, he could pretend their relationship hadn’t escalated up the serious scale.
Yes, he’d purchased the ring. Candace had picked it out at one of the mall jewelry stores almost a year ago, and he’d gone back a few weeks later to buy it. But he hadn’t given it to her. Instead, it lay in a velvet box in his underwear drawer. Just this morning, in fact, he’d shoved it way to the back so he wouldn’t keep seeing it every time he fished out a pair of socks or boxers. He kept telling himself that the right moment hadn’t come yet, but he couldn’t help thinking there was more to it—John’s accident putting the kibosh on his spirits, for one thing. In the meantime, Candace grew rightfully restless.
They talked until she had to return to her nursing station. Then, Jason stuffed the phone back into his pocket and started reading the familiar roadside signs: “Ella’s Bed and Breakfast, 2 Miles Ahead!” “Little Bear Lake Restaurant (across from the high school)” “Fish Bait (1/2 mile)” “Spring Valley Ski Lodge, Next Right!”
In its usual fashion, his gut clenched. It happened every time he entered his northern Michigan hometown of Fairmount, the memories still so fresh and painful. To reach his parents’ home, he had to pass through the main section of town. Turning at the appropriate corner, he passed candle and fudge shops, an antiques store, and several novelty shops, all indications of a flourishing tourist town. The second of three traffic lights glowed red, so he slowed to a stop and watched several folks cross in front of his black Jeep Cherokee, some holding packages, some leading leashed dogs, some carrying kids. All told, Fairmount’s summer season hadn’t quite reached its end, even though Labor Day had come and gone and the leaves had started turning from green to various shades of gold and red.
The Evanses’ house never changed—brick front, pale yellow siding, and a roof that could use new shingles. As a builder, Jason always noticed when a house needed spiffing up, and his parents’ place was no exception. At least the yard looked like something out of Better Homes and Gardens, thanks to his mom’s green thumb and his dad’s sprinkling well, which made for the plushest grass on the block.
A blue sedan sat in the drive, shaded by sprawling oaks. It looked like the Robertses had come for dinner. He hadn’t seen them since the funeral. He thought about Rachel, and how he wouldn’t mind seeing her and his niece, plus meeting his new nephew, but he doubted she’d show. Since she’d spewed those accusatory words at him in the cemetery, he hadn’t heard a word from her—and he had never mustered up the courage to call and set things straight. But then, why should he have to be the one to make the first move?
Forgive, even as I have forgiven you came the Spirit’s gentle nudge. Jason gripped the steering wheel hard before shutting off the engine.
God, what am I even doing here?
The front door opened, and his mom stepped onto the porch. She looked thinner than the last time he’d seen her, and a wave of guilt washed over him for not coming around more.
God, she’s been through a lot.
He put on a wide smile before opening his door, climbing out, and going to greet her.
The meal tasted delicious—roast chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, salad, rolls, and green beans. Since Candace hated to cook, and since she and Jason had especially hectic work schedules, they usually grabbed takeout, but partaking of his mom’s feast made him long for more frequent home-cooked meals. He hoped Candace would acquire some kitchen skills before they married. He could grill a good steak, but he couldn’t fry an egg to save his life.
Dinner conversation moved from one topic to the next, covering everything from Mitch Roberts’s used-car dealership and Arlene’s high school English classes to his dad’s accounting job, then on to Tanna, Rachel’s sister. Younger than Rachel by more than a dozen years, Tanna had been one of those “surprise” babies.
“What grade are you in now, Tanna?” Jason asked her.
“Tenth,” she answered. She dabbed at her chin with her napkin, then set it down beside her mostly empty plate. “I go to Fairmount High now.”
“Man, that doesn’t seem possible,” Jason said. “Weren’t you just this tall”—he held out his hand, palm-down, about three feet off the ground—“just yesterday?”
Tanna blushed and giggled, and, for the span of a second, he saw Rachel—lithe, with ivory skin, robin’s-egg-blue eyes, and honey-blonde hair.
“She
just made the varsity cheerleading squad,” Jason’s mom announced.
“Taking after your sister, are you?” Jason said. He remembered stealing a glance at Rachel on the sidelines in her short cheerleading skirt, before catching a pass from the quarterback at the fifty-yard line. Looking back, he probably could have made more catches if she hadn’t presented the distraction. He gave his head a little shake and asked Tanna how this year’s football team was shaping up, which proved good fodder for another ten minutes of nonstop talk while the women cleared the dinner dishes and then delivered thick slices of chocolate birthday cake and steaming cups of coffee.
Afterward, everyone moved into the living room. Since Tanna had arranged to go to the movies with some friends, she left at the first beep of a horn in the driveway, but not before collecting a couple of bills from her father and then waving to everyone on her way out the door.
“Such a sweet girl,” Jason’s mom remarked to Arlene. “She reminds me so much of Rachel at that age.” Since when had his mom become a mind reader? “Speaking of which, Tom and I tried to convince her to come over today.”
Arlene tucked a few wisps of her shoulder-length, salt-and-pepper hair behind her ear and frowned. “I did the same thing this morning, but she declined, saying she needed to keep Johnny on his nap schedule.” She shook her head. “She struggles to stay above water, that girl, but she does a fine job in spite of it. Mitch and I want to help her as much as we can, but she’s independent enough to want to make do on her own. We’re proud of her for that, but we still worry.”
“As do we,” said Jason’s mom, her narrow shoulders slumping. She was normally stalwart and steady, but Jason thought she looked far older today than her fifty-seven years. He glanced at his dad and thought the same thing about him. Since John’s passing, his dad had treated him differently—not in a way he could totally put his finger on, just different. When he might have enfolded him in a bear hug a year ago, today and on his previous visits, he had given him no more than a hasty squeeze or a pat on the shoulder. Jason felt the gnawing suspicion that his dad might hold him responsible in some way for his brother’s death.
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