“Stop. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You can’t even say the word, can you? Kiss. Say it.”
Like a child, she poked her fingers in her ears and started to hum, which provoked a few amused chuckles from him. On impulse, he stood and walked over to her, pulling her up by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” she asked, trying to wriggle out of his hold.
He kept laughing. “Trying to make you look at me, silly.”
His persistence made the fight go out of her, and his laughter died down to nothing. His hands slowly moved up her arms and stopped midway to her shoulders. He studied her downcast face, wishing he could earn back her trust. Carefully, and with utmost respect, he put a hand to the back of her neck. “Come here,” he said, folding her gently, slowly, into his arms, her small frame tense and trembling, at first, but finally coming to relax in his embrace as a shaky little sob broke loose from her chest.
God, help me, she is so beautiful.
“It—it shouldn’t have happened,” she whimpered, the warmth of her breath tickling his neck.
He chuckled softly. “Stop torturing yourself, Rach. It was just a kiss, nothing more.”
Wet eyes looked up at him. “It meant something, Jason, and don’t say it didn’t.”
He pulled her close again and rested his chin on her head, smiling to himself. “Okay, it meant something—probably a lot more than either of us wanted to admit at the time.”
“I—I feel so ashamed!” she wailed.
“Shh.” Her soft, wispy hair tickled his nose, and he smoothed it down with one hand. “That was a long time ago, honey. Good grief, I can’t believe you’ve let it bother you all this time.”
She let loose a shuddering sob, as if she’d been mortally wounded. “It was only a week before my wedding, Jason Allen! What was I thinking?”
“I thought we made a pact not to use middle names.”
“Never mind that,” she said with a sniff, then rubbed her nose on his shirtfront. The innocence in that single act made his heart melt like lava. “What were we thinking, Jason?”
“Ha!” He squeezed her closer. “I know what I was thinking.” For the first time in a long while, he let his mind fully consider that memorable day. “I wanted you to reconsider marrying my brother. I got my comeuppance when you slapped my face, though, remember?” She gave a tiny, hopeless nod against his chin, and he gave a halfhearted chortle. “As if I was prepared to marry you, myself, even if you had changed your mind about marrying John. Sheesh. That was my brother, Rach. I wouldn’t have hurt him for the world.”
She gave another deep sniff. “We never would have done that. Besides, I loved John with all my heart. I truly did, Jay.”
“Of course, you did, honey. I never doubted it. You guys had a great marriage.”
A wave of silence swallowed them up for the next few moments, and he gently rocked her. Finally, he spoke. “That kiss…it was just something that happened unexpectedly. We were talking old times, you and me, swapping stories about how John and I used to fight over you in junior high. We joked, we laughed, we talked about how we’d always be friends, even after you and John got married. And then, I don’t know…I just…went for it, sort of a last-ditch effort on my part.” He smoothed her hair down again, becoming more aware of their close proximity, and cautioned himself. He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “Man, did you get mad at me. I saw fire in those pretty blue eyes after I kissed you.”
“Well, it was a shameful thing we did.”
“Terrible,” he agreed in a facetious tone. Another moment passed. “You can rest assured that I never mentioned it to anyone. I always treated it like it was our little secret.”
Lightning-like tension ripped through her body. He saw it start at her toes and felt it move upward. Hoping to ease it, he said with lightness, “Sure was a nice kiss, though—sitting in the loft of your grandpa’s barn. I never did forget it, you know.”
She pulled back and cast him a look of rebuke, then gave him a playful whack. He laughed and embraced her again. Her hands, which had been wrapped loosely around his middle, now tightened just a hair, awaking a need in him he hadn’t felt in some time. Her face moved slightly, almost invitingly, upward, and the temptation to drop another kiss on her mouth was almost beyond resisting.
But then, Candace’s face slipped into a dark corner of his mind, and he dutifully set Rachel back. “I should probably get going,” he said with a gravelly voice, his brow damp with sweat. He gave it a quick wipe with the back of his hand.
Rachel took a giant leap backwards, as if just coming awake from a long nap and feeling guilty for having allowed herself the indulgence. “Yes—yes, you should be going.” She brushed her hands on her form-fitting jeans.
Close one, he thought. Strange how he hadn’t considered the consequences of kissing her those many years ago, but, now that she was free, kissing her again seemed implicitly wrong—not because she was his sister-in-law, but because matters with Candace remained unsettled, and it wouldn’t be fair to her.
God had captured his heart and given him a conscience!
“I’ll call you soon,” he said, turning to leave.
“You don’t need to, Jay. We’ll be fine.”
He took his coat out of the closet and slipped it on, hearing his keys rattle in the pocket. He smiled down at her and tweaked her nose. “I have no doubt you will, but I’m still going to call.”
“I wish you wouldn’t. In fact, it’s best you don’t. I think we need to put some distance between us.”
God, I want to kiss her. “You’re a stubborn woman, you know that?”
She lifted one shoulder and tilted her head at him, making her dangly, silver earrings dance in a splash of light. “Bye, Jay.”
He opened the door, then turned in the bracing night air to give her one last probing look. “Not ‘Bye’; good night. And don’t forget to go to church in the morning.”
She sighed. “I won’t. Now, go. And tell Candace I said hello.”
Chapter 10
Jason left several voice mails for Rachel, sent a few e-mails, and even texted her, but all he received in response was one e-mail that said:
We are doing fine, Jay. Don’t worry about us. Thanks for your concern and all your help around the house and yard. I really do appreciate it.
Rachel
It was all he could do to keep from jumping into his Jeep and driving the fifty miles to her house to see what gave. He knew she wasn’t sick, because he’d talked to his mom twice in the past week and she’d mentioned going to Rachel’s last Wednesday to watch the kids while Rachel ran errands and had lunch with a friend. He’d been happy to hear she was getting out, especially socializing with friends, and the fact that he was being blatantly ignored rankled him plenty.
“You’ve been awfully quiet today.” His office assistant, Diane Leverance, reeled in his wandering thoughts, plunking a stack of mail bound by a rubber band beside several blueprints spread out on his desk.
“Have I? Guess my mind’s in a million different places.” Interlacing his fingers, he extended his arms, inverted his hands to crack his knuckles, and looked up at her. In her mid-forties, Diane was married and had two grown children. Her efficient ways and outgoing personality had long made her an asset to his company. Unfortunately for him, God had wired her with a special radar to detect when things weren’t quite right, and she usually made a point to investigate when her intuition told her something was amiss.
Diane crossed her arms, shifted the weight of her big-boned frame to one side, and studied him hard, arching a penciled eyebrow. “Is it that Wilcox project? Harold can be a nag, I’ve found.”
“No kidding.”
“You have to know how to handle him.”
Jason chuckled. “You got his number right off, didn’t you, Di? First time he came in here, you treated him like he was the King of Siam, and ever since then, he’s been eating out of your pretty little palm. I
t’s downright nauseating.”
“I tell ya, you’ve got to find out what makes people tick, then see to it you keep their tickers well greased. With Harold, you just have to keep assuring him he’s the boss, then go about your business.”
“He is the boss, Diane. It’s his house.”
“Well, of course, it is, but you don’t let him bully you into believing he knows how to run things.”
“I don’t.”
She screwed her lips into a thoughtful pinch. “No, you don’t.” Uncrossing her arms, she leaned forward and steepled her fingers. “All right, then, what’s got you so tied up in knots? And don’t tell me it’s just the stresses of work, because you’ve always had to deal with deadlines, grumpy inspectors, incompetent workers, late shipments, no-show subcontractors, and…well, need I go on?” She narrowed her brown eyes to little slits and lowered her chin. “Are you trying to figure out that perfect moment for popping the question to Candace?” she asked in a near whisper. “Because, if that’s it, well, listen. I can give you a wealth of ideas.”
He raised a hand to halt her in her tracks. “I don’t doubt you for a minute, Di, but that’s—a long way off. I’m not sure—I don’t know.”
“Ah.” She folded her arms again. “Having doubts, are we?”
He picked up a pencil and started tapping the eraser end on his desk, wondering if he ought to seek her counsel or just keep his mouth shut. To date, he hadn’t breathed a word to anyone—except for Candace, herself, that Sunday in his condo. Ever since, their relationship had been on shakier ground. As if sensing his dilemma, Diane pulled a nearby chair closer and plopped into it.
“All right, out with it, boss.”
For the next several minutes, Jason confessed his mounting qualms about Candace, his concern over her apparent absence of true faith, and his utter lack of passion and zeal for the relationship. One thing he left out was any hint that his sister-in-law might somehow play into the scenario.
Diane had always been a good listener, and today was no exception. She leaned forward as he talked, kept her eyes focused intently on him, and nodded or shook her head empathetically where appropriate. When he finished, she pressed her back against the chair, crossed her legs and arms simultaneously, and lifted her chin. “Seems to me you’ve come to a crossroads, Jay, and it’s time you made a decision about your future with Candace. One thing is certain: you can’t leave her hanging much longer. It’s not fair to her.”
That statement stung but also rang true. He set to tapping his pencil again, staring for mind-numbing seconds at the drawings under his nose and the bound stack of unopened mail. “You’re right, I know; it just isn’t easy. It’s not that I don’t care for her. We’ve been through a lot together, including the loss of my brother. She was right there for me.”
Diane nodded, compassion in her countenance. Her gaze lifted to the window behind him. “Well, speaking of Candace, here she comes now. She’s looking gorgeous as ever.”
Jason dropped his pencil and swiveled in his chair. Yep. And she was dressed to the nines, looking ready for a night on the town. He couldn’t help the frown that played around his mouth. After all the time they’d dated, she’d certainly earned the right to show up at his place of business unexpectedly. So, why did it irritate him to see her prancing up the walk now in her fitted, black pea coat, skinny pants, and high-heeled boots, the fringed ends of her fuchsia scarf flying in the breeze?
Probably because that fluttery feeling he used to get when he saw her had been replaced with a sense of dread. He had to figure out a way to end it with her. And soon.
***
Rachel kicked the drift of sand with her booted toes, glad she’d bundled herself in her down jacket to ward off the harsh winds. Her nose stung, but she rejoiced in the simple pleasure of experiencing the pang. Just weeks ago, she’d been almost devoid of feeling, not much caring if she lived or died, but, lately, she’d sensed a rekindled awareness tickling at her core that reminded her of the preciousness of life. She had two healthy children who needed her and cherished memories of a mostly blissful marriage.
Of course, there’d been bumps in the road—what couple didn’t have those times? But most of their journey together had been sweet, save for those last few weeks of protracted silence that had followed that dreadfully heated argument. Oh, it pained her now to think about those days leading up to John’s departure for Colorado, but, for reasons she couldn’t quite grasp, she’d decided to force herself to deal with them. It seemed she had to get past them to heal.
“Lord, my faith is so fragile,” she confessed, her voice swallowed up by the hammering waves. “I need the strength of Your loving arms. Please, carry me.”
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” Words she’d read from Isaiah just the other night came back to bathe and cleanse her anxious mind as she trudged the sandy beach. The sun was beginning to set on the horizon, its reflection shimmering on the water like a ripe red apple.
“You’re hanging on to something you should have let go of a long time ago,” Jason had told her. Easy for him to say, she thought, kicking a piece of driftwood. He didn’t know about the argument she and John had had before the two brothers had set off on their ski trip—unless John had told him. How could she let go when she carried such shame? The secret memory of the kiss she’d shared with her husband’s brother must have saddened God; she knew it had saddened John when she’d stupidly confessed it. Oh, she hadn’t said something like she’d carried a torch for him, because she truly hadn’t. Still, she had owned up to that kiss in a moment of thoughtlessness, of cruelty.
***
Just after Halloween, John dragged out their age-old argument over money, warning her not to overspend at Christmas. As usual, she defended her right to indulge her friends and family with gifts. The debate escalated when he started picking apart her spending habits, saying she made too many frivolous purchases—jewelry, pairs of shoes to add to her ever-growing collection, dresses she wouldn’t be able to wear until she’d lost her “baby fat,” one more pink outfit for Meagan, and so much stuff for their unborn son that they had barely enough room to store it all. His biting words still haunted her, particularly the remark about her baby fat and the unspoken implication that her bulging belly made her less than attractive in his eyes.
From there, the argument exploded. Rachel asked how he could justify his skiing trip to the Rockies with Jason if finances were as tight as he implied they were. “I’ve been saving for that all year, and you know it. Unlike you, I save for my purchases,” he fired out at her.
After that, things turned nastier still, with words flying every which way, angry and accusing, baseless and ugly. Rachel impulsively and groundlessly accused him of finding his secretary, Ashley Forkner, prettier than she. Rather than tell his overly emotional pregnant wife how wrong she was, he chose to spit out that she might have been better off marrying Jason. “He loved you, too, you know!” he sneered.
The declaration jolted Rachel into a moment of stunned silence, until she sassily announced that Jason had kissed her exactly one week before their wedding. As soon as the words tumbled out and she saw the way his face dropped, she wanted to take them back. “I’m sorry, John,” she backpedaled. “I didn’t mean—I shouldn’t have—” But any attempt to explain herself went unheard.
The color of his face went from red to white, and his response shook her to her toes. “I knew it, Rachel,” he said, his voice sounding oddly dull and dead. “You’ve always loved my brother.”
“What? That’s ridiculous!” Panic surged through her veins as he brushed past her on his way to the door, and she followed on his heels, weak in the knees from his accusation. “John, that kiss—it was foolish…childish,” she stammered, fighting back her useless tears while he open
ed the closet door and reached resolutely for his coat. “You were the one I loved. You always have been.”
His glower sent shivers up her spine. “Where are you going?”
“Out. I need to think.”
“About what?”
He paused with his hand on the doorknob, his back to her, but then he turned the knob and quietly walked out.
***
And that had been the extent of things. They’d never resolved the issue; they’d just avoided speaking about it at all costs, treated each other somewhat civilly, and said their good-byes with a brief kiss before he and Jason had left for the airport. Rachel had felt desperate to right things between them yet had been stubborn enough to think it was his duty to make the first move. How tangled and tattered things had been during those final days of his life—and how utterly helpless she still felt about all of it.
This memory only cemented in her mind the absolute necessity of keeping Jason at a distance, no matter how close he’d come to kissing her the last time she’d seen him, or how much she’d inwardly longed for it. Goodness gracious, she had no business entertaining thoughts of her brother-in-law, nor would she encourage his continued visits. For that reason, she’d all but ignored his attempts to contact her. She hoped he’d soon get the hint that spending time together wasn’t only foolhardy; it was plain wrong!
Glancing at her watch, she discovered that the time had come and gone when she’d promised her mother-in-law she’d return. Donna was so generous about volunteering to watch the kids, but she still suffered a good deal from the pain of losing her son and didn’t have quite the stamina necessary to take care of them for long periods. What Rachel had intended to be a simple trip to the grocery store had turned into a long walk on the beach when the sandy shores had called to her as she’d driven past the park.
With resolve, she stepped up her pace and made her way back to her van as an indefinable sense of divine peace came to rest upon her soul.
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