“Yes, uh…I guess I’d like a closer look at those earrings you have on display.”
Her eyes brightened. “Oh, the ones with the diamonds set in the small hearts? Aren’t those pretty? Several men have asked to see them today, but, so far, no one’s bought them. They’re right here.” She reached inside a glass case and carefully brought out the earrings, laying them on a piece of black velvet. The lights overhead made them shimmer and sparkle from every angle. Even with his limited knowledge about jewelry, Jason could tell that these had rare value. He bit his lower lip to keep from asking the price.
As if reading his mind, the saleswoman stated it, and he nearly dropped his jaw to his knees. “That’s a bit much.”
“Oh, but they’re twenty-five percent off today,” she said.
He perked up at that news. “Really?” He quickly calculated the sale price in his head.
As if reading his mind again, the saleswoman grabbed a nearby calculator and figured the total, including tax, and gave him a second to digest it. “Can I wrap these for you?”
Lord, what am I doing? Will she even accept the earrings? It suddenly occurred to him to purchase something else for her, as well—a new Bible, a candle, or some expensive lotion—and put the earrings away for a later time. On impulse, he said, “I’ll take them, but could you wrap them in generic paper? They aren’t necessary a Christmas gift.”
She winked. “Foil and a pretty ribbon will do the trick.”
On his way to the car, he hummed a familiar Christmas carol, trying to get beyond his disbelief at what he’d bought for Rachel. He’d never bought Candace anything quite as fine as those earrings, unless he counted the engagement ring he’d never put on her finger. The silly thing still sat in a box in his underwear drawer. He told himself that one of these days, he’d try to sell it online. Until then, though, he’d tuck the new earrings in the drawer next to the ring and then wait for the perfect opportunity to present them to her.
Lord, please let there be a perfect opportunity, he prayed.
***
“Mommy, how long till Christmas?”
“Not long now, sweetie.” Rachel knelt at Meagan’s bedside, having just completed their nighttime prayer. In the other room, Johnny slept soundly, while downstairs, the TV droned with some sitcom and embers crackled in the fireplace. As usual, Meagan was using every stalling tactic in the book to keep her mother kneeling at her side.
“Is it tomorrow?”
“No, darling, not tomorrow. It’s two days after tomorrow.”
“Is Daddy going to be watching us?”
Rarely did Meagan mention John anymore. Generally, if he came up in conversation, it was at Rachel’s prompting. She so wanted to keep Meagan’s memories fresh but knew with certainty how quickly they would fade. “I’m sure he will be, honey. He’ll be smiling down on us and telling us not to be sad.”
Meagan fingered the edge of her blanket thoughtfully. “Does he still love us?”
“Of course. He will never stop loving us. And we’ll never stop loving him, either.” She tenderly touched Meagan’s nose with her index finger.
“Why did he have to leave us?” she asked, eyes squinting as she studied the ceiling.
Rachel felt like her heart was being squeezed. “I don’t know, darling. There are many things in life we don’t understand. What we do know is that God loves us and wants us to trust Him.” Funny how just a couple of months ago, she might not have been able to give that response. Indeed, the Lord had been working to heal her wounded spirit.
“Is Daddy going to celebrate Christmas with Jesus?” Meagan asked in tender innocence.
“I’m sure he will. After all, it marks the day that Jesus was born. It would seem to me that all of heaven will celebrate.”
“I love God,” Meagan announced, her eyes round with sincerity.
“I know, honey. Me, too.”
“I love Uncle Jason, too,” she added as an afterthought, as if he and Jesus somehow belonged on the same plane.
Rachel stood and put her fingertips to Meagan’s cheek. “You do, huh? Well, lucky for you, he loves you right back.”
“I know. He tol’ me.”
Rachel’s heart warmed to overflowing, and she got a little misty-eyed about the way Jay insisted on seeing her kids and providing a father figure for them, something even their grandfathers couldn’t quite pull off. Why, just thinking about the cookie-baking episode and how he’d so selflessly given of his time that day made her feel all mushy inside. He hadn’t hung around long afterward—after all, he’d come not to see her but to see the kids, as it should have been. So, why was it that she looked forward with eagerness to Christmas Day, when she knew he’d be at Tom and Donna’s place? She berated herself for her seesaw emotions.
“I bet he’s gonna buy me a present.”
“You think so?” It would surprise her if he didn’t.
“What did we buy Uncle Jay for Christmas?”
“We bought him a nice pair of leather gloves and a wool scarf.”
She pondered that for a moment. “I thought just ladies weared scarves.”
“No, men can wear them, too, especially on very cold days.”
“Oh.”
She leaned over to plant one last kiss on Meagan’s cheek. “Sweet dreams, dearest. Go to sleep now.”
Rachel sat at the kitchen table and read her Bible for about half an hour, sipping hot tea and nibbling on a Christmas cookie Jason had decorated. When she began to feel fatigued, she climbed the stairs to her room and suddenly found herself fighting off a wave of loneliness.
God, please fill this heart of empty longing. I don’t want to love or need Jason; I just want my soul filled up with thoughts of You. Sometimes, I worry about my allegiance to John, Lord. Please keep John’s memory fresh and alive in my heart, she prayed.
Do not fret, My child. I have everything under control. As I’ve said before, you must entrust your heart to Me. All at once, the words she’d just read from Philippians washed over her spirit:
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
After washing her face, brushing her teeth, and running a comb through her hair, she walked to her closet to hang up her clothes. Not for the first time that day, she gazed up at the box of John’s mementos, still sitting on its high shelf. She didn’t feel prepared to look through it yet, but she decided she could at least bring it down. So, she nabbed a nearby stool, hoisted herself up, and lifted the heavy box from its resting place, surprised at how long she’d put off carrying out that one simple chore. She set the box down with a gentle thud on the floor beside her shoe rack, flipped off the closet light, and padded off to bed.
On Christmas morning, Rachel awoke in her old bedroom. She and the kids had spent the night at her folks’ house after eating a leisurely supper, attending the five o’clock Christmas Eve church service, and coming home to have their own family celebration and gift exchange. They had opened gifts on Christmas Eve for as long as she could remember, a tradition that had begun when her parents had gotten married and spent Christmas mornings at their parents’ homes, alternating between both sets each year.
Outside her window, large snowflakes fell steadily, piling powdery pillows on the already thick mounds that had collected. The distant sounds of Meagan’s excited chatter and little Johnny’s shrieks of joy prompted her to pull back her feathery comforter and sit up in bed. Goodness gracious! What time was it? And how had she come to sleep right through her own children’s waking? Craning her neck to see the clock on the dresser, she was shocked to discover it was already 9:15. Quick as a cat’s wink, she leaped out of bed and made for the shower down the hall.
“Mom, how could you have let
me sleep so long?” she later asked at the table while sipping on a cup of hot tea in the cozy new robe her parents had given her the night before. Tanna lay sprawled on the floor, allowing Meagan and Johnny to climb all over her.
“Honey, you obviously needed it. I mean, when was the last time you actually slept in?”
“Maybe in high school?” Rachel said with a giggle.
“My point, exactly. You and the kids ought to spend the night more often just so you can catch up on sleep from time to time.”
“Yeah, you should,” Tanna chimed in. “It’s fun waking up to these little goobers.”
“I’ll second that,” her father said, coming into the kitchen to refill his coffee cup, yesterday’s newspaper folded under his arm.
“Don’t tempt me with such an offer, you guys. I’m liable to take you up on it.”
“Well, you should. Single parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world,” her mother said, pushing her chair back and rising to gather up what few dishes remained on the table. Rachel stood up to help her. “You sit back down, young lady. This is Christmas, and I intend to spend the morning spoiling you.”
Ah, she thought as she eased herself back into her seat, I could get used to this.
At noon, they left for the Evanses’ home, Rachel’s parents toting all the gifts and food items in their own car, Tanna riding with the kids and her. No sooner did she start her van than Johnny fell asleep, thumb in mouth, the other hand clinging to his favorite blanket. Rounding the turn to her in-laws’ home, she spotted Jason’s black Jeep. On cue, her heart skipped a beat.
As if he’d been watching for them, Jason came bounding down the porch steps as soon as the two cars pulled into the drive. “Merry Christmas, everyone!” he shouted as they all started climbing out of the vehicles. Clad in blue jeans and a collarless grey pullover sweater with three buttons down the front, he looked the picture of masculinity, his broad shoulders nearly bursting out of the cotton fabric of his shirt. His dark hair looked recently trimmed, despite the few stubborn strands falling over his forehead and shielding one thick eyebrow.
“Merry Christmas!” Rachel called in return, feeling oddly shy. He is my brother-in-law, nothing more, she reminded herself as she opened the rear door, where Johnny slept on, oblivious.
“Mind if I get him?” Jason asked in a low voice.
“Be my guest,” she said.
Their sides brushed as he slipped past her to release Johnny from his car seat.
“I’ll get Meaggie,” offered Tanna.
“Hey, Tanna! Merry Christmas!” Jason said.
“Merry Christmas to you, too!”
“Uncle Jay, it’s Christmas!” Meagan bellowed as Tanna hefted her out of her seat.
“It is? I wonder if Santa brought you anything?”
“He did! I saw him at the mall, and he promised he would.”
And so it went, everyone shouting greetings and carrying in children, dishes, packages, and diaper bags. As Rachel walked across the threshold and into the warmth of her in-laws’ home, Jason turned and met her eyes for the first time, her sleeping son in his arms, and in their dark depths, she saw something like a promise.
***
As usual, Jason had to force his eyes to settle on someone or something other than Rachel, lest people grow suspicious of his mounting feelings for her. Man, he could feast his eyes on her all day if he didn’t think folks would notice. Her soft, blonde hair fell in waves around her slender neck, and he wanted to take a handful and give it a playful tug—anything to get her attention.
But she skillfully avoided looking his way most of the afternoon, tending to her children instead. She helped them at the dinner table; later, while they opened their gifts, she insisted that Meagan stop to thank each person for her present despite her impatience to move on to the next package. He found it enchanting to watch how she mothered them. One thing Rachel had was grit, and the more he knew her, the more it showed.
He’d been watching his dad throughout the day. While he’d put on a smile most of the time and engaged in conversation, even echoing Mitch’s appreciative expression for the new putters Jason had given them, he still showed a reserved side that put Jason somewhat on edge. He longed to know what went on inside his head and why he was never able to reach his dad’s core. The suspicion that his dad blamed him for John’s death haunted him continually, and Christmas Day was no exception. Some days, he wanted to shake the man, but today wouldn’t do.
“I like the gloves and scarf a lot,” Jason whispered in Rachel’s ear. He’d finally caught her standing alone in the living room poring over some family photos on the fireplace mantel, and he had the courage to sneak up behind her. She gave a little jolt. “Didn’t mean to scare you,” he added.
“That’s okay.” She turned and gave him a tentative smile. “I’m glad you like them. I didn’t know if…you know.”
“They’re perfect. The gloves fit me—like a glove.”
She giggled. “You’re silly. Oh, and I love the lotion and candle—and the beautiful Bible. You bought more for me than you should have.”
She would really think that if she knew what was in the back of his sock drawer!
“Thanks for what you wrote in the Bible, too.”
It had taken him more time to figure out what to write on the dedication page of that Bible than it had to make all his Christmas purchases. He’d finally written something as simple as: “May the words in this book be a light to your path. Love, Jay.” It was the “Love, Jay” part he’d pondered for minutes on end, wondering how she’d construe it. He took the word seriously and actually had wanted to write, “I love you. Jay.” Of course, he’d ended up taking the safe, common-sense route.
“You’re welcome.” Her eyes went back to the photos, and he found himself moving closer to catch her scent. He allowed himself to study the photos he hadn’t perused in several months—some shots of John and him as young boys, several of them with their parents, and others of the family after Rachel had joined it. The most recent picture of the whole family had been taken last Thanksgiving, just two days before their fateful trip. Rachel was big with baby, and Meagan clung to her daddy’s leg. Jason noticed that John’s arm was not around Rachel, as it usually was in photos of them, and he wondered if the rift between them had been to blame. It sobered him to realize he’d inadvertently played a role in that argument.
“I don’t like that picture,” Rachel said of the very photo he’d been studying. “I wish Mom would take it down.”
“It was the last one of all of us, honey,” he said, touching her elbow, the endearment slipping out almost automatically. “Besides, Mom wouldn’t understand your asking her to do that. Someday you’ll come to appreciate the photo.”
“I hope so.” She swallowed and shook her head. “There should be one of John and me with both the kids.”
His heart ached for her. “I know.” It was all he could think to say. The wounds were still so fresh.
“Sometimes it feels like only yesterday,” she said, absently fingering the edge of her sweater sleeve.
“I know what you mean.”
“I hate that I can’t always bring his face into view in my head. Sometimes I actually have to look at his picture before it comes to me.”
“That’s normal. I have to do the same.”
He reached an arm up and drew her close. Blessedly, she didn’t object; rather, she leaned into his strength. “You need to think about all the positive, good things you guys shared, you know that? And stop dwelling on those last few days.”
“I know you’re right, but it’s hard. My mind keeps going back to our argument.”
“John wouldn’t want that, honey. I guarantee he’s not giving it any thought. You two had a great marriage, Rach—a strong, loving, rock-solid marriage. Let your heart and mind dwell on that.”
She raised her face so that their eyes met, their breaths mingled. Had they not been discussing her marriage, the moment might ha
ve been considered intimate. “You’re right, of course.”
They ceased talking and turned to look out the window, his arm still around her, their backs to the entryway. Snowflakes fell like giant petals, floating, drifting downward, lending tranquil comfort to the moment.
“Rachel, you know I want to be more to you than just a friend,” Jason ventured to say. Now wasn’t the time, of course, but out it came, anyway. To his great surprise, she didn’t jump away as from a feral fox.
“And you know that cannot be, Jay,” she said calmly. “We’ve been over this already.”
He brought his chin to rest atop her head. “Do you know you’re on my mind around the clock?”
“Well, you’ll have to chase me back out, then.”
“Impossible.”
“Start dating again.”
“Also out of the question.” He kept his chin on her head, nearly eating up her delicious scent. She breathed out, long and slow. “You’re not planning to see Luigi again, are you?”
“I don’t know.”
“That wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, Rach. If you’re going to see him, you may as well see me.”
“Maybe I don’t want to,” she said stiffly, then gave a playful chuckle. The tiniest hint of flirtation floated through the air.
In the living room, coverage of a football game blared on the TV. Meagan’s shrill screams filled the house as she played chase with Tanna. Jason assumed that the moms were still yakking in the kitchen, if the clatter of pots and pans and the occasional outburst of female laughter were any indication. He was so glad his mom had a friend in Arlene Roberts, as she had a true gift for loving people and helping them forget about their woes. As for the men, the last he knew, his dad had enticed Mitch to check out his new snowblower.
Finding Rachel impossible to resist, he took her by the shoulders and pivoted her to face him, capturing her almond-shaped blue eyes with his. “I don’t believe that,” he whispered. “I kissed you, remember? And you kissed me back.”
“Don’t remind me.” She pressed her rosy lips together in a stubborn pout, making him want to laugh.
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