by Dora Heldt
I surrendered and gave in to my thoughts. They wandered to Richard and the evening in Bremen two and a half months ago.
Richard had picked me up at the hotel. When I came into the foyer and saw him standing there, I felt like I’d been hit by lightning. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be near him and how blue his eyes were. I can’t remember what we talked about in those first few minutes; it was like a silent film.
The Italian restaurant was only a few minutes from the hotel. It was pouring rain, so we ran closely alongside each other under Richard’s umbrella. I loved the way he smelled.
At the restaurant we ordered, without conferring, the same dish and the same wine, and couldn’t help but laugh. Once the wine was poured, Richard raised his glass, clinked it against mine, and said, with a thoughtful expression on his face, “To a wonderful evening. It’s lovely that you’re here.”
He smiled. So did I.
I felt very at ease in his company. He was clever, charming, and very caring and witty. He told me about his law practice and his colleagues; I described the Bremen booksellers and my job. The conversation was easy; one topic led to the next. Now and again our knees touched under the table, and we pretended not to notice.
The second garden chair capitulated to the storm and flew into the hedge, which was swaying wildly in the wind. I stood back up and went over to the window with my glass of wine. The beach chair was still standing its ground.
We had drawn out the evening as much as we could, first ordering more wine, then coffee.
Once we were the last guests, Richard asked for the bill. We stood next to one another at the bar and drank a grappa on the house while we waited. I leaned my hip against his, and he looked at me and then put his arm around me. By the time we left the restaurant, the rain had stopped. We walked slowly back towards my hotel; Richard linked his arm with mine. Just before we got to the hotel, he stopped and looked at me solemnly.
“Christine, I’ve really enjoyed myself tonight. I would really love to go up to your room with you now, but there’s something you should know.”
He looked away for a moment, then back into my eyes.
“I’ve already told you a lot about my life. The thing is, it’s been pretty stressful so far, and my marriage to Sabine is demanding too, but one horrendous divorce is enough for me. I know I don’t want another one. It’s something I feel you should know.”
I answered him with a kiss, pulling him towards the entrance of the hotel.
Edith groaned loudly. He told you the score, but of course you go and get swept up in the moment and let yourself in for all this nonsense anyway. You’ll only have yourself to blame.
My cell phone was still playing dead on the table. In ten minutes’ time I would be forty.
Charlotte pushed some images into my mind. Richard’s face while he’s asleep. Richard’s face while he was making love to you. And it was nothing like the usual embarrassed first few times—when you’re so aware that the other body is strange and unknown to you. It was intimate, easy, and wonderful. It was right.
Edith reminded me. What’s right is that he left at four a.m. so none of his neighbors would notice that he wasn’t home that night. And that’s what he did the other times too.
Charlotte answered. He’s just as smitten as you are. His feelings are genuine. Otherwise he wouldn’t have phoned you the next day and told you that he wants to see you again.
We’d met up every week since that night. Always on Wednesdays. To start with I’d rearranged my appointments, but since the tour had finished it was much easier. In the evenings we texted, and during the day we spoke on the phone. I was in love, and yet no one knew about it.
Edith was getting impatient. And now you’re in a state. On the weekend he’s in Berlin, and you haven’t heard from him since Thursday. You’re waiting around for any sign of life from him and sitting in alone on your birthday.
Midnight.
My cell beeped twice. A text message. I pressed the small envelope image and felt my heart rate quicken.
“All my love on your fortieth. Wishing you a new decade that even the gods would be jealous of. Georg.”
I smiled, even though I could feel my disappointment trying to find its way out as tears. I went back to stand by the window with my glass. And crossed my fingers that Georg’s wish would come true. One way or another.
My mobile beeped again. The second text.
“Birthday kiss. See you soon. Richard.”
My soul felt calmed. That was a good start. I ignored Edith, gave Charlotte a wink, and went to bed, taking my phone with me.
Eight hours later I was awoken by the telephone ringing. My mother said hello as I sleepily answered.
“Good morning, birthday girl, we just wanted to wish you a wonderful day and to say we hope that all your dreams come true.”
I was a little dizzy from getting up so quickly and had to lean against the kitchen table. I looked at the clock. Eight thirty a.m. I slowly pulled my thoughts together. My mother was on the phone, it was my birthday, I was now forty, and I needed coffee and a cigarette. But my mother wasn’t done yet.
“Did you have one heck of a storm in Hamburg too? My goodness. I thought the roof was going to blow off, but everything’s okay, we’ve checked. Why are you so sleepy still?”
“I woke up when the telephone rang. I don’t set an alarm.”
I looked at the espresso machine with longing. I couldn’t use it while I was on the phone, it made too much noise. Mind you, so did my mother.
“Well, anyway, everything here is fine. And with you? You would have had to get up now anyway, wouldn’t you? Or did you set the table last night?”
“Set the table?” I didn’t understand what she meant. She seemed to notice and changed the subject.
“Okay darling, anyway, have a great day. I’ll hand you over to your father now.”
I continued to stare at the espresso machine. Then I heard my father’s deep voice.
“Hello, Christine. I wish you good health, happiness, success, and for all your dreams to come true. How does it feel to be forty?”
I cleared my throat, but my voice still sounded croaky.
“Thank you. I feel just the same as always, really.”
His answer sounded disapproving.
“You should really give up smoking, you know. I’m always reading about women over forty who smoke and have heart attacks.”
I answered automatically. “Yes, if they’re taking the pill, but I’ve weaned myself off of that.”
He was flustered. Sometimes he could be a bit of a prude.
“Christine! Well, you’re a grown-up. I only mean well. I don’t want to interfere with your life. So, when are the guests arriving?”
I was still trying to figure out what guests he meant when I heard my mother’s voice in the background.
“Oh, Rudi, you’re not supposed to mention it—it’s Ines’s surprise!”
I stood up and turned the espresso machine on.
“Okay, daughter, you heard her. Forget what I said. So, happy birthday again and have a great day.”
We said goodbye. I put the phone back and let the espresso machine be as noisy as it liked. But before I had a chance to foam the milk, the doorbell rang. I felt annoyed; it was my birthday, and no one was letting me ease myself into the day in peace. Yesterday’s melancholy was still lying over my head like a dark cloud. It rang again, this time for longer. There was no post on Sundays, so it couldn’t be that.
Charlotte was roused with a start. Richard? Because of your birthday?
I quickly pulled my bathrobe on, tried to smooth my hair down, tore open the front door, and pressed the buzzer. My heart had jumped into my mouth.
“It’s your birthday!”
Dorothea, laden down with bags and flowers, was climbing up the stairs, beaming. Ines followed right behind her. “Good morning, sis, happy birthday!”
I looked back at them, trying to look excited and to k
eep Edith’s mouth shut in my thoughts.
“Ines, Dorothea, it’s not even nine a.m. yet.”
Dorothea was the first to reach me, putting her bags down and hugging me.
“Happy birthday! You’ve achieved so much, and here’s to it carrying on that way.”
She kissed me on the mouth, then held me at arm’s length, looked me up and down, and started to laugh.
“It’s a good thing we’re here early. Your hair is in a right state. And this bathrobe…”
Ines pushed us aside so she could close the apartment door. She shoved me right in front of the mirror and made me look. My hair was standing up in all directions and all fuzzy, and my red-checkered bathrobe was threadbare and longer in the front than the back.
I looked at Ines, shrugged my shoulders, and said, “Well, I’m forty now after all.”
She laughed and gave me a big hug.
“Many happy returns, big sis. But you seem a little out of sorts—is the hour too early or your age too high?”
I answered as I followed Dorothea into the kitchen. “Both, and I haven’t even had my first coffee yet.”
For the next half hour I sat at the kitchen table, drank the coffee that Dorothea made for me, and watched in amazement as they took control of both my apartment and me. While Ines unpacked food and champagne bottles and tidied it all away into the fridge, Dorothea pulled her bags into the lounge while cheerfully humming “Happy Birthday.” I could hear her rustling paper, moving the table, and clattering things about.
I lit up a cigarette and drank my coffee. They would tell me if they needed my help. By now, Ines had packed everything away and sat down next to me with fresh coffee. She smiled.
“Forty.”
I smiled back. “When Mom was this old, I’d already finished my studies. That’s the only strange thing.”
Before we could get sentimental, Dorothea appeared in the kitchen doorway with her hands stretched out to the ceiling. “For she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly…”
Ines interrupted her dodgy singing. “Are you done?”
Dorothea gave first her, then me, a sparkling smile.
“With the song, no not really, but if we don’t have time then fine. Christine, you can look now.”
My living room looked like the kind of birthday party any child would dream of. There were flowers and lit tea lights everywhere, the table was full of wrapped presents with Smarties sprinkled abundantly around them, and in the middle was a small cake, its candles burning brightly.
I was so moved that my eyes welled up and my throat felt itchy. Ines poked me.
“What’s up? Do you want to cry or unwrap?”
It took almost half an hour to unwrap everything. Along with the gifts of hand cream for aging spots, shampoo for thinning hair, and eye cream, the kind I’d been using for ages without any visible success, I got a sinfully expensive handbag from Dorothea, a pair of earrings from Ines, a voucher for the beach sauna from my parents, and a ticket to the Hagenbeck Zoo from my brother. On the envelope Georg had written, “Just think, our last visit to the zoo together was thirty years ago.”
I looked at Ines and Dorothea.
“It must be twenty years since anyone did all this for me on my birthday.”
Ines shook her head gently.
“I was talking to Dorothea in the car already about what your birthdays were like in recent years. Do you remember? Bernd always had to work, his family arrived at eleven a.m. and stayed until ten p.m., and you just stood in the kitchen making food the whole time.”
I could remember them clearly.
“I hated it. I was stocking up the food for a whole week beforehand and cleaning for three days before and three days after. I was always just happy when it was over.”
Dorothea looked at me questioningly. “So why did you do it every year?”
I thought for a moment. “I never had the courage to do anything different. That was just how it was. For Bernd’s birthday it was exactly the same thing all over again.”
Dorothea waved the thought away. “Sweetheart, that’s all in the past. Today you’ll see what birthday parties are really about.”
She looked at the clock. Ines followed her gaze.
“It’s half past ten already. Christine, just concentrate on getting out of that bathrobe. Your guests will be arriving in an hour.”
I’d completely forgotten about all the food and champagne.
“Who have you invited?”
Dorothea looked at me earnestly. “Bernd’s whole family of course.”
I looked back, stunned. But then she laughed. “That was just a bad joke, no, only nice people. Go and shower, and we’ll get the table ready.”
Two hours later my apartment had a real birthday atmosphere, full of the sound of voices and laughter. Ines and Dorothea had pulled the tables together and decorated them with flowers and candles, and in the kitchen there was an impressive buffet. Ines opened one bottle of champagne after the other.
I sat at the head of the table, feeling very special. To my right sat Georg, next to him Franziska, then Luise, then Marleen, who had phoned to wish me a happy birthday on her way to Hamburg, saying that she couldn’t make it. Half an hour later she rang the bell.
Nina sat opposite, next to Maren and Rüdiger, then Leonie and Michael.
Dorothea and Ines were taking charge of serving the food as if they were professional waitresses. I sat at the head of the table, feeling guiltily like a diva. My offer of fetching drinks was turned down with the retort, “Sit down! You’re forty and it’s your birthday!”
The conversation was loud and lively, and everyone was talking to everyone. Marleen and Luise were meeting for the first time, but they had heard a lot about each other through me and immediately got onto the topic of real estate agents with little pink jackets. Leonie and Ines were reminiscing about the weirdest of the apartments they had checked out for me, Franziska and Nina were talking about a concert that one of them had been to and the other one wanted to see, Dorothea was talking at the top of her voice with Maren in the kitchen about men and women and in particular about my pending divorce. I joined in a little bit with everyone. When I realized that Rüdiger, Michael, and Georg were discussing TV rights, I felt a pang and thought of Richard.
Just at that moment, Franziska glanced over at me. She raised her eyebrows questioningly, and I smiled at her and stood up. Walking by, I laid my hand on her shoulder and whispered, “It’s just my weak bladder.”
She smiled and I went to the bathroom. Fetching my mobile from the chest of drawers in the hallway, I closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. No new messages. I looked back at the last text message.
“Birthday kiss. See you soon. Richard.”
I brushed my thumb softly over the words.
“See you soon.”
I missed him. I so wished that he could sit with us at the table, and I would have loved to introduce him to everyone. I longed for his physical presence, for his stories, for the way he looked at me. In the next room sat the people who had helped me the most in these last months, and the person who was closest to my heart was missing. I’d told Richard everything about my friends and family, but they still didn’t know anything about him. At that moment I would have done anything to be able to kiss him. I wanted to share the day, the people, the conversations with him. But he was in Berlin. With Sabine.
I felt a lump in my throat. Someone knocked on the door.
“Are you feeling ill? I have to go.”
Marleen.
“Just a sec, I’m almost done.”
I pushed my phone into my trouser pocket, pressed the flush lever, and washed my hands. When I came out, Marleen gave me a quick hug and looked at me questioningly.
“Is everything okay?”
My answer was rushed. “Of course, I’m just so touched that you’re all here.”
She stroked my cheek.
“Well, you’ve earned it. They’re all
great people.”
I nodded proudly, waited as she shut the door behind her, and then went back to the others. As I sat back down in my chair, the conversation fell silent. Confused, I looked around me.
“Is something wrong? Did I come back too soon?”
Ten faces smiled at me.
Michael raised his glass. “Don’t look so startled; I’m not going to make a speech. We were just talking about you, but only good things. You’ve been so amazing in the way you’ve stayed so composed through everything and…”
Leonie laid her hand on his arm and interrupted him.
“He says he’s not making a speech, but it sounds like one. Many happy returns, Christine. Here’s to your birthday, your new life, and…your composure.”
Everyone raised their glasses, and Rüdiger cleared his throat. “On the topic of composure, as your lawyer you know I still think you’re being far too nice when it comes to your soon-to-be ex-husband.”
At that moment, Marleen came back to her seat and nodded in Rüdiger’s direction.
“Oh yes, maybe she’ll listen to you. I told her from the start that she’s much too soft. Other women in Christine’s position would have at least torched the house or terrorized Antje with venomous phone calls. But Christine just takes a few things and goes. No stress whatsoever.”
Ines and I answered in unison. “Marleen.”
We looked at each other. I carried on.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything. As my grandmother always used to say, ‘Behave in such a way that you can still talk about everything two years later without having to change the story.’”
Ines nodded. “The saying that came to my mind is ‘You have to, and you can.’”
Maren groaned loudly. “The holier-than-thou family. Christine, my old man can really get some big bucks out of this for you if you want him to, and shoot dear old Bernd down while he’s at it.”
I shook my head. “People, please! I don’t want to talk about this. It’s fine as it is. I’m doing great, everything is much better than it was, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to prolong my old life. I want that chapter closed. Period. Now, can we change the subject please?”