A Wrong Turn at the Office of Unmade Lists

by Jane Rawson

  ‘Do you mean Lanh? Who has the internet café?’

  ‘Yeah, that guy.’

  Awesome. ‘Peira, when you come back can I have a gin and tonic?’

  ‘Gin?’

  ‘Yep. Gin. I’ve got some celebrating to do.’

  ‘Are you made of money, girl?’

  ‘For today, let’s pretend I am.’

  ‘OK, but you got to pay today while we’re still pretending.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’

  Peira came back with the gin and a can of lemonade, sat down and slipped out of her flip-flops.

  ‘You want pedicure too, ma’am?’

  ‘How come I’m ma’am and she’s miss?’ Peira said.

  ‘Leave her alone,’ Caddy said as Xotchel looked uncomfortable, searching for an answer. ‘You want a pedicure as well?’

  ‘Maybe I’ll have just a pedicure. It will last longer. Better value for money.’

  Caddy rolled her eyes. ‘Skip the manicure, give the old lady a pedicure instead.’ Xotchel nodded, putting the finishing touches to Caddy’s nails.

  While Caddy was waiting for her nails to dry, taking little sips of the gin and tonic – which was, by the way, mindblowingly delicious after years and years of fake vodka – Jason showed up.

  ‘Hey Cad!’ he pulled up a chair and gave Xotchel a wink. ‘Peira,’ he nodded. She gave him a mildly threatening stare. ‘What’s going on? Lucius said you’re looking for me.’

  ‘Yup. Were you just with Lanh?’

  ‘Sure was.’

  ‘Is he OK?’

  ‘Yeah, he’s fine, how come?’

  ‘Nothing, I’ve just been looking for him. Couldn’t find him.’

  ‘Is he your boyfriend, Caddy?’

  ‘No, he is not my boyfriend!’

  ‘He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he? You wish he was!’

  ‘Shut up, Jase. I just needed to find him, OK?’

  ‘Yeah, well, he’s been away for a couple of days, doing a shipment for someone.’

  Doing a shipment. Of course. The whole contraband booze thing must be taking off for him, especially with Ray away all the time and not able to do jobs. Why didn’t she think of that?

  ‘Hey, Peira,’ Jason said, ‘can I have a VB?’

  ‘I’m busy, boy, are you blind?’

  ‘Yeah, well when you’re done.’

  ‘No. You’re eleven years old. You’re too young to drink beer.’

  ‘I’m twelve, actually.’

  ‘Still too young.’

  ‘You’ve sold it to me heaps of times before.’

  ‘Well, not any more. You go buy it from your friend Lanh.’

  ‘Are you jealous, Peira?’

  She didn’t bother replying.

  ‘Well, can I have a lemonade then?’

  ‘You can have a lemonade in twenty minutes, when my nails are dry.’

  ‘Service here sucks. So Cad, how’s your story going? Oh hey! You got your sunnies back!’

  ‘Yeah, bought em off Lucius. That little shit probably stole them in the first place.’

  ‘Almost certainly.’

  ‘I can’t believe I gave him a free chocolate.’

  ‘You gave him a free chocolate? I thought I was your favourite, Cad! Don’t you love me anymore?’

  ‘Shut up. So, do you want to sell some stuff for me?’

  ‘What you got?

  She gestured at the bag at her feet, not wanting to chip her nails. Jason picked it up and scrounged through it. ‘That’s some good stuff, Cad. Where’d you get it?’

  ‘I’ve been shacked up at The Grand for a bit. Met a guy. You know how it is.’

  ‘Oh, I know exactly how it is. Nice. Will you see him again?’

  ‘I don’t know. It’s kind of up to Ray. It’s not bad there, though. Wouldn’t mind staying there again.’

  ‘Not bad! Do they have beds?’

  ‘Of course they have beds, it’s a five-star hotel.’

  ‘Man. Oh hey, where are you staying now, Cad? I heard your place washed away.’

  ‘I dunno. You got any ideas?’

  ‘Nah. My place sucks. Four of us all in an old toilet block down at Fitzroy Gardens. Gets bloody hot in there.’

  ‘It sounds shit. Literally, I guess.’ She nudged the bag with her foot. ‘So you want to sell that stuff or what?’

  ‘Oh, yeah.’

  ‘Will you pay me for it up front?’

  ‘Cad, you know you can trust me. I’ll see what I can get for it, give you half, yeah?’

  ‘How about you give me eighty per cent?’

  ‘How about I give you seventy per cent?’

  ‘How about you give me seventy per cent but don’t lie about how much you got for it?’

  ‘It’s a deal.’ They shook hands, Caddy pulling away at the last second to save her nails.

  ‘So how’s your story going?’

  ‘I chucked it in the river.’

  ‘Not so good then, eh?’

  ‘I kind of regret it. It was going alright. I guess I got a bit mad when I saw my humpy was gone.’

  ‘Yeah, fair enough.’ Jason picked at his fingernail, trying without success not to stare at Xotchel.

  ‘OK, kids,’ Caddy announced, standing up. ‘I’ve got to get out of here. What do I owe you?’

  ‘Nine dollars.’

  Caddy handed it over. ‘And for the pedicure and manicure?’

  ‘80 cents altogether, miss.’

  ‘You’ll never get by with prices like that.’ Caddy gave her a dollar and waved away the change. ‘See you suckers round.’

  THE CAPER

  Now she had her sunnies back, and the ache was starting to ease out of her joints, Caddy felt like she could take on the world. Lanh was alive, she was going to meet Ray. He would sort things out. She had more than fifty bucks in her pocket. She had even enjoyed her walk up the hill to Library. Yep, things were fine.

  ‘Do I have some things to tell you!’ Ray had jumped up to give Caddy a hug, but she was busy looking over the bar to see if the bulldog was there.

  ‘What? Oh. Hi, Ray! How’s things?’

  ‘Good, sweetie. How are you?’

  ‘Could be better.’

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’

  ‘Oh, I just had three drinks. Maybe just some lemonade, yeah?’

  While Ray was ordering, Caddy was whispering loudly in his ear. ‘Ask them where the bulldog is.’

  ‘There’s no bulldog.’

  ‘Ask them!’

  ‘You’re drunk.’

  ‘You are!’

  Ray frowned at her.

  ‘OK, you never get drunk, I know. Boring!’ Caddy raised her glass of lemonade to Ray and took a big swill. ‘So what do you have to tell me?’

  ‘First, tell me how you’re doing. What’s this about your house?’

  ‘It’s not a house, Ray. It never was. Remember when I had a house? That was great, hey. You know how people go on at you to like, live your life to the full so you’ll have all these great memories? They’re not much use, you know. If memories were useful I’d go live in my old house now. But I can’t. Stupid!’

  ‘Funny you should mention that.’

  ‘What? Being stupid? I know, I’m being stupid.’

  ‘No. Not being able to visit your memories.’

  ‘That’s not that funny. It’s kind of a bit maudlin and dull, really.’

  ‘Anyway. So you’ve had a few drinks and been for a walk in the sun, so you’re erratic. But other than that, how are you?’

  ‘I’m OK. I thought Lanh was dead but he’s alive, so that’s good.’

  ‘Are you two …?’

  ‘No. But he’s nice, you know? And sometimes it gets a bit boring, all the dying and stuff. And what else. Um, oh yeah! I have dengue fever.’

  ‘I’m not sure that belongs on a list of things to feel OK about.’

  ‘No, but I’m getting better and that does! I got sick when I was with Farren. Sorry.’

  ‘Did he c
rack the shits?’

  ‘No, Ray! He was really nice! He let me stay at the hotel when he went home and paid for everything. And he got the doctor to see me and bought me painkillers and stuff. Do you think he’d like to marry me? I’m bored with being poor.’

  ‘He’s married.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah. Maybe I could be his kept woman?’

  ‘I have a better idea.’

  ‘Does it involve me living somewhere with a bath and a bed? Cause I like those things. I have a taste for luxury now, Ray! Luxury!’

  ‘Not so much. So look. Calm down!’

  Caddy was trying to look over the bar again to see if she could see the bulldog.

  ‘I just want to see the dog, Ray.’

  ‘OK, hang on. Excuse me!’ he called the bartender over. ‘Do you have a dog?’

  ‘A dog? Nooo … Oh! Do you mean a greyhound? I can make you a greyhound.’

  ‘No, a real dog. My friend is convinced she saw a bulldog here when she came to drop off a shipment for you.’

  ‘Bulldog? No. Not sure I even know what one of those is.’

  ‘Thank you. OK. Caddy, will you pay attention now?’

  ‘Deal. Thank you. But it was here, you know.’

  ‘Weirdly, I believe you. I think it might have been an escapee.’

  ‘What kind of pee?’

  ‘You’re not going to take this seriously, are you?’

  ‘Yes. Sorry.’

  ‘Alright. Look, I met Simon and Sarah.’

  ‘Are they from TV? I don’t have a TV anymore Ray, remember? Not since my house blew up.’

  ‘No. You made them up.’

  ‘Simon and Sarah?’

  ‘From your story.’

  ‘You met the kids I have in my story?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Ray! You ARE drunk!’

  ‘No.’

  ‘High?’

  ‘Not right now.’

  ‘But before? When you met Simon and Sarah?’

  ‘Not then either. Can I see your story?’

  ‘I threw it in the river.’

  ‘What did you do that for?’

  ‘I was angry. My humpy washed away. I had dengue fever. Everything sucked. My story was just a thinly veiled autobiography.’

  ‘Aren’t they all?’

  Caddy just shrugged, and rested her chin on the bar. ‘Not Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.’

  ‘When did you throw it away?’

  ‘Yesterday morning.’

  Ray scrunched up his face with thinking.

  ‘Suspended Imaginums,’ he said

  ‘What now?’

  ‘Nothing.’ But of course it would have to be suspended to make it into Suspended Ims. If he’d gone a few hours earlier, perhaps Simon and Sarah and all that San Francisco wouldn’t have been there.

  ‘So where’d you meet em? At the footy? Ray, you are SO full of shit. They’re not real, you know. I’m not such a crap writer that I copied them off real kids. I don’t think there even are real kids seeing every twenty five foot square in America. Are there? No, there can’t be.’

  ‘I’m not saying they’re real. I’m saying I met the imaginary characters you made up.’

  ‘Did Disney steal my idea? Ray, did you go to Hollywood on the Gold Coast and not even tell me!’

  ‘That place hasn’t been there since you were a kid, silly.’

  ‘OK, I give up. Tell me the punch line.’

  ‘I went to this place where things we imagine, then abandon, go to live.’

  ‘Can you say that again? But this time, use different words.’

  ‘Say someone tells you that you’re going on a trip to Tasmania, right? And you get all excited about it and start planning what you’re going to do and where you’re going to go.’

  ‘Cradle Mountain! I’ll stay in the Lodge!’

  ‘Exactly, just like that. And then they tell you you can’t go after all.’

  ‘Those fuckers.’

  ‘Right. So all those things you imagined, they never come true, right? But you also stop imagining them. Well, those imaginary things don’t just vanish when you give up on them, they go live in this place called Suspended Imaginums. It’s in this other place called The Gap. No, I know what you’re going to say. Not the clothing store.’

  ‘This is complicated. I probably don’t believe you.’

  ‘Fair enough. But right now some version of Caddy is on holiday at the Cradle Mountain Lodge, somewhere in Suspended Imaginums. And right now, Simon and Sarah are trying to see all of America. And when I say all, I mean all.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really.’

  ‘Oh, those poor kids. Shit. Sorry. Really?’

  ‘Really.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous. Buy me a drink.’

  ‘What would you like?’

  ‘Can I have one of those Cruisers I brought here?’

  Ray asked the barman if there were any Cruisers left. They were out of the last shipment, but Lanh had dropped off some Smirnoff Ice this morning, so Caddy had one of those instead.

  ‘OK, so hang on,’ Caddy resumed. ‘How did you get to this place … what did you say it was called? The Caper?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I don’t know, I can’t remember what you said it was called! I just said the first thing in my head.’

  ‘And that was caper?’

  ‘Well what’s the first thing in your head?’

  ‘God, I don’t know. Whatever I think of now won’t be it anyway. It’ll be like the fifty-third thing.’

  ‘Do you know we have fifty thousand thoughts a day?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I read it in CitiXtra. We have fifty thousand thoughts a day.’

  ‘Who would even count that? HOW would you even count that? Do you realize that’s a thought every two seconds?’

  ‘Ray, don’t do that. No one likes it when you add up in your head at superhuman speed.’

  ‘That was dividing.’

  ‘Whatever. Just don’t do it, OK?’

  ‘So do you want to hear about The Gap?’

  ‘The what?’

  ‘Would you rather I called it the caper?’

  ‘OH! The CAPER! Yes, I’d love to hear about the caper.’

  ‘Can we please just call it The Gap from now on?’

  Ray told Caddy about how he had bought the maps from the drunken soldier, at which point Caddy interrupted and asked if it was:

  1. an Indian solider called Deepra

  2. an American soldier called Sergeant Fisk

  and Ray said it definitely wasn’t either of those two and Caddy said, OK, good, keep going then, which Ray did. He stumbled a bit when he got to the parts about ending up in The Gap instead of in Dromana, and the Flagstaff Gardens.

  ‘What’s the deal?’ asked Caddy. ‘How come sometimes the maps do what they’re supposed to and other times they just fuck you all about?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe we should go find that soldier and ask him what he knows about it.’

  ‘So are we going to The Gap then?’

  ‘Maybe you’d like to meet Simon and Sarah. It’s nice in San Francisco you know, the way you imagined it. I liked it there.’

  ‘The thought of meeting those guys totally creeps me out, Ray. It’s like if I had babies but they were all grown up. Actually, it’s creepier than that. They’re not just, like, my genetic creation. They’re parts of my brain. I don’t want other people knowing about my brain, especially if they are those parts of my brain, especially if they’re going to meet me and know that the reason they’re all fucked up like they are is because I made them that way. Also, Ray …’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I made them see all of America.’

  ‘You did. Don’t you think you should go talk to them about that, tell them it’s all imaginary and they can stop if they want?’

  ‘It’s not just the America-seeing that’s imaginary, though.’

  ‘Wel
l, no.’

  ‘It wouldn’t be very nice to be told that you’re imaginary by someone. Especially if that someone is just a little bit drunk and maybe not really very good at life.’

  ‘You’re doing fine at life, Cad.’

  ‘No I’m not. I have sex with strangers for money and I love my husband and he’s dead.’

  ‘None of that is your fault.’

  ‘Peira doesn’t have sex with strangers.’

  ‘Strangers wouldn’t have her.’

  ‘Yeah, I spose.’

  ‘I worry about you, Cad. What have you got here? I mean, it’s partly my fault. I give you those stupid jobs to do …’

  ‘You mean screwing rich guys?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I don’t mind that Ray, really. They’re always pretty decent, and most of them are even nice looking. You’ve never set me up with a total jackass. It’s cool. How else would I make money?’

  ‘OK, but even so. Your humpy got washed away. You don’t have a job or any money. And, well, Harry’s gone.’

  ‘And Skerrick.’

  ‘And Skerrick. Just, maybe it would be good to get away from Melbourne. Things are pretty rough here and it’s not getting any better. I don’t want you to get dengue again, or malaria, or get washed away in a flood or be hit by an SUV.’

  ‘That’s sweet Ray. That’s a lot of ways for me to die.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I worry.’

  ‘I’m not sure I want to live in 1997. It’s the year I was born. Sometimes I just feel like everything was good until the moment I was born, and then it all started going downhill.’

  ‘A lot of it’s been good, Cad, really.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘The internet is pretty cool.’

  ‘That was invented way before I was born. MySpace was invented after I was born. What else have you got?’

  ‘Medicine?’

  ‘Don’t be silly. Besides which, none of those antibiotics work anymore. That pretty much started happening when I was born.’

  ‘MP3 players.’

  ‘Whoop de fucking doo.’

  ‘Oh! Space flights! You know, like for non-astronauts.’

  ‘Oh yeah! That went really well! Fifty or so rich motherfuckers go for a little flight into space, and then we realize the vast quantities of CO2 those bloody rockets emit has brought the polar icecaps twenty years closer to melting than they already were, and all the flights get cancelled.’

  ‘You’re a very negative person sometimes, Caroline.’