The difficulty he found he was experiencing was the worry and panic and fury that something might happen to Remy was distracting his thoughts from piecing together options and trying to decipher Pan’s true motives. The dreams – nightmares, really - he had been experiencing had not helped clear his mind. He had been adamant about refusing to think any more on her, on her well-being, on her colorful eyes, and her soft lips.
His crystal blue eyes closed on their own accord and that vivid image popped up into his mind so suddenly, it was as though it had been there always. His thumb twitched, as though he could still feel her bottom lip under his skin, and he longed to touch it, to taste it, to capture it between his teeth and nibble on her flesh and her breathing get fast and short.
He started to think that perhaps he had been at sea for too long without physical relief, but the thought of touching a woman that was not Remy made his insides churn with repulsion. It was that unfamiliar feeling of disgust that started to worry him. He had never felt anything like it before and was not quite sure what it meant and what he was supposed to do with it. Remy was the only woman he wanted to explore, to know, to touch, to feel, to breathe in, and the fact that he wanted only one woman scared him half to death.
He forced himself out of bed. He could not get her back if he continued to dream of her, to remain in bed every day and be miserable at her loss. He had to do something.
He dressed and stepped out of his room. James was not surprised when the cold morning breeze pinched his skin, but he was surprised when he found Nick, standing at the helm of the ship, deep in thought. There was much more to Nick than James initially remembered. He was certain Nick had feelings for Remy, at the very least platonic, but probably more. He had no idea why Nick was steering his ship as though he was captain, but James had a sneaking suspicion that it had nothing to do with pride and everything to do with his need to do something to keep his mind active and working instead of feeling Remy’s loss.
It was something they had in common, apparently.
Without realizing it fully, James found himself walking over to Nick until he reached the helm. He was not certain what he was doing here. While the two weren’t enemies, they weren’t friends. James’s goal of acquiring souls in order to gain power went against Nick’s role as a ferry. He was responsible for ensuring all souls ready to move on reached their final resting place. As such, while Nick had never disturbed James or threatened him, the two were fighting a battle on opposing sides.
“You’re steering my ship.” James was not sure why he started a conversation with the pirate, was not sure why he was here in the first place.
“It needs to go to The Paradise,” Nick stated, standing at his full height, coming a few inches shy of James’s. “We both know The Magistrate had something to do with Remy’s capture. We both know she has a place just outside the realm.”
“My ship needs supplies,” James said, though he could not help but admit internally that Nick was right. “My crew needs food and water.”
Nick clenched his jaw and looked away. James followed his gaze and saw that it rested on Magdalena, of all people. She was helping Charles swab the deck. The two had been close – close for Magda, which was not saying much – and it was good to see them getting reacquainted. What caused James to pause was the way Nick currently looked at her.
“Magda does, too,” he said, taking a gamble.
Nick’s eyes snapped back to James, and though his gaze never wavered, James knew there was something there, something he couldn’t quite pinpoint.
“You’re risking Remy by stopping,” Nick pointed out, and James knew it was his way of changing the subject.
“I risk my crew if I choose not to stop,” James said. He did not like the confliction that rose in his chest, where he felt as though he had to choose between Remy and his crew. “You said it yourself: we know where she is and who she’s with. At least with a satiated crew, they will be strong enough to fight and more willing to risk their life for a Breather knowing I’ve taken care of their needs.”
“She’s not just a Breather to you,” Nick said, looking at him with knowing eyes. “More to you than your plan for power as well.”
Now, James clenched his jaw and looked away. “And what is Magda to you?” he asked, nodding his head in the fairy’s direction. It was childish and immature, to deflect, to make a point by switching the subject to his life rather than allow it to remain on James.
James waited, and left, deciding he needed to check in on Magda. He thought he heard Nick say something under his breath, then, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Everything.” But he couldn’t be sure.
Four
Magda awoke sore and tired, as she had been the past few weeks. This room that had once belonged to her reeked of Remy, from the way her clothes were hastily thrown back into her wardrobe and the way her cot smelled of lavender even though she knew lavender was difficult to acquire and she was certain James did not have any on this ship. Remy was the type of woman who lingered, whether she intended to or not. Perhaps that was why Nick had not said anything to her yet. Perhaps he was still getting over Remy’s lack of presence…
But no. Magda could not think like that. Even though her wings were plucked from her back, she still believed in the fairy superstition that thoughts were things, that anyone could create their ideal reality simply by projecting things into the world around them. She refused to project that into the world – that Nick might change his mind about her, that he might love Remy and be completely mistaken about Magda.
The person who seemed affected by Remy’s kidnapping the most, however, was James. Which was odd for Magda only because James was the last person she knew to wear his heart on his sleeve. And though he was doing an excellent job of hiding his feelings to the majority of his crew, she could tell. Magda could always tell.
His face was blank but his eyes were dark, sad, lost. When he was at the helm of his ship, he stared at the horizon, as though he was searching for someone, as though he was waiting for someone to come back to him. Sometimes, he would stare so hard without blinking, his eyes would water and it almost looked like he was crying. Which was simply absurd since James Hook did not cry.
Besides her room, the captain’s quarter’s was the only other room on deck. Everyone else had rooms below, leaving her and the captain privacy at night. They were the only two on board afforded their own rooms. Magda was grateful for the privacy. Even when she lived at home with her mother and sister, she was not prone to sharing, even if she did. Because they both had rooms on deck, which were not far apart, if she strained to listen, she could hear what went on in his bedroom. Under normal circumstances, she would avoid such a thing. However, with Remy gone, James had gotten louder and she could not help it.
He had nightmares now. Magda could hear him thrashing about in his room. Sometimes, he would roll off the bed and land hard on the wooden floor. She never went in to check on him; in her mind, she knew he would not want to be seen in such a state. She also knew he was not so prideful that if he needed her, he would not ask. But she always waited until things got quiet once more before she allowed herself to fall asleep, just in case this was the night he would come to her.
Of course, this left her with a lack of sleep, and her cot was not yet as comfortable as it had been simply because someone else had slept on it for so long. There were times, in the middle of the night, when she was in that hazy state between slumber and consciousness, where she would close her eyes and imagine having the courage to go belowdeck and into the crew’s quarters, crawling over to Nick’s cot and climbing in with him. She never did, however, but she thought about it every night.
Magda was still unused to wanting to be with someone other than herself simply because she enjoyed their company. After her mother’s betrayal, she had guarded herself and her heart with a ferociousness not even a lion could match. James was the only person to ever come close to cracking the armor, but even he was nowhere
near Nick. Nick had penetrated her defenses without even trying, and Magda had not known until it was too late. In that, she thought herself both ignorant and weak, and there were times she wondered if she should force herself to forget her feelings for the pirate. Love never got her where she needed to be. Love was a useless emotion that did nothing but bring the strongest to their knees and get people killed.
Then, dawn would break and she would see Nick standing at the helm of the ship, looking so intensely at the horizon almost as though if he stared long enough, he would find Peter Pan’s ship and Remy would be returned. She knew he did not love her, but he still felt responsible for her. Remy was only in The Neverland because of him, so it made sense that he wanted to make sure she was safe. If anything had happened to her, Magda knew Nick would blame himself.
With that, Magda felt herself fall even more in love with Nick, which only made it harder to get over him. She did not want to, either. She wanted to be near him always, to feel his heart beating in time with hers as she lay her head on his chest. She was certain if her face was pressed against him and his arm was wrapped securely around her waist, she would drift off in moments, and her sleep would be deep and uninterrupted. That was what happened when one felt safe.
However, Magda refrained from visiting Nick for a number of reasons. She did not want them to be found out by James or any of the crew. It was difficult figuring out her own feelings, and she did not need others projecting their beliefs onto her relationship.
Except it was not a relationship. Not yet, anyway.
And because things between her and Nick were uncertain, she did not want to stir the pot. If anything, Nick should be the one coming to her because he promised he would tell her whatever it was he needed to tell her. They had a brief discussion about where they stood and what should be expected, up until the point where Nick said the wrong thing and Magda took it the wrong way. Things were difficult, if a tad frustrating, and she did not want to admit it, but there was an awkwardness between them she wasn’t sure they could overcome.
Of course, she could very well be misinterpreting the situation. She had never been in a relationship before, and she could see that every time a threat cropped up between her and Nick, she ran. And while she knew that was not the healthiest of responses, she also found she could not help it. It was easy to argue with him, easy to fight. It was more difficult to look at things from his perspective, let things go, and forgive and forget. She worried, however, that those were crucial components to a successful partnership, and the worry stemmed from the fact that there was a chance she might not be able to give that to Nick, even though it was something he deserved.
She did not know how to have meaningful relationships with anyone, really, because she had never seen a successful one before and she had no experience with them herself. What she did know was to trust no one, not even blood, to always protect her heart lest she want to get hurt, and to understand that monogamy, while ideal, was something not realistic and should not be expected in a potential mate. But being a member of the fairer sex forced her into a non-reciprocal monogamous relationship.
“Magda!”
James’s voice cut across the deck of the ship, and she whirled around so quickly she almost stumbled on her rear. Luckily, she caught the side of the ship’s banister and picked her eyes up to look at her captain.
James Hook was the only man she trusted. The thought entered her head and caused guilt to lay eggs in the pit of her stomach and blossom into wretched weeds. She should also trust Nick – she wanted to – but he could break her heart so easily, that it was difficult to. James had no power over her heart, but Nick did, and therein lied the difference.
If she wanted to be with Nick – really be with him – she needed to trust him with more than just her life. She needed to trust him with her heart. Until then, she could not give him her entire self. And what little she knew of relationships, she knew they required a person’s everything.
It was unlike James to raise his voice, but he wanted her attention, and now, he had it. She waited until he strode over to her, and though she could feel the heat of Nick’s stare in the back of her head from his place at the helm, she still refused to look at him. Instead, she focused on James, curious as to what he needed her for.
He gave her a brief smile – it was forced, she could tell, and it did not reach his blue eyes, but it meant a lot that he tried – and his hands were behind his back. He loomed over her, as he always did, but she always felt safe with him nearby, and even with the months where they were apart, that feeling never went away.
“How are you, my friend?” he asked. Now, his voice was a low murmur, just something she could hear.
Magda could feel Nick’s eyes burning on her frame, but she continued to ignore him. If he wanted to know what they were discussing so badly, he could ask her himself. He was the one who said he needed to sort through everything. He was the one who said he needed time. For what, she did not know and could not begin to comprehend. She just assumed it had to do with the male anatomy, and refused to waste her time analyzing it further. Just thinking about his words caused her blood to boil, and she had to breathe in deeply through her nose to keep herself focused on James.
“I’m well,” she replied, and her smile in return was genuine. “How are you? I haven’t seen you on deck much, lately.”
“No,” he agreed, and his eyes flickered away, over the ship’s banister and to the choppy blue ocean. “I have been rather reserved.”
Magda nodded. “You care for her,” she said. Originally, it was supposed to come out as a question, a nonjudgmental one at that. Instead, it came out like a fact, because she realized that it was true. “You care for Remy.”
At least James did not try to deny it. His eyes looked guarded, but it seemed as though his protection over himself was unintentional, like he wanted to share this with her. He just did not know how to do so.
“It was not like I planned for it,” James said, and his words were strained, like they did not plan on coming out.
This whole thing – caring for Remy and telling Magda his feelings – was completely new and different for the pirate captain, and Magda felt honored that he trusted her enough to share this part of him she believed no one else knew of.
“You never do,” Magda said, before she could realize the implication of her words.
James’s steely eyes found hers. “I take it you know this from personal experience?” he asked. “I see the way Nicholas Grey looks at you. There’s tragedy there, but something deeper than affection as well. I can’t quite pinpoint it, but it almost appears as though he loves you, Magda.”
Magda popped her jaw. She did not want to talk about this. Not yet, and not with James. But considering he trusted her enough with his feelings, she knew it was only right to afford him the same opportunity.
“I do not know how Nick feels for me because I don’t think Nick knows how he feels about me,” Magda said. She felt the hurt at the truth of her words spread through her, like tiny shards of glass coursing through her bloodstream and slicing at her in every way possible.
“What do you feel for him?” James asked, and he was genuinely curious to know her feelings on the matter.
“It does not matter,” she said, casting her eyes downward. “I can love him all I want, but if he does nothing with my love, then it doesn’t matter. I refuse to love from afar. I will not waste my time with feelings that aren’t reciprocated. If he loves me, he can tell me. He can show me. I will not be with someone who doesn’t think enough of me to do that.”
“What if he does not know how to show you he loves you?” James asked. Magda looked at him with an inquisitive gaze. She was not used to James going out of his way to defend other people and their motives, especially not Nick. “When women are girls, they are given a great deal of affection from their parents. They know what love looks like, how it feels. For boys, we are thrust into danger and adulthood early on, and we are not sho
wn that affection because we are men and it is deemed beneath us. However, I believe we internalize that we are not worthy of being shown love, and if we are not shown something, how do you expect us to show it?”
Magda let James’s words sink in. She knew it would take longer than a breath, and she would have to replay them in her mind over again that night when she was alone, but she still had questions. Since he was being so forthcoming, she wanted to take advantage of it in the moment.
“So you’re saying I should be a bit more understanding regarding his confusion?” she asked, tilting her head to the side and looking up at the captain.
“Absolutely not,” he said, surprising her even further. “I’m telling you the right man will figure it out and take the risk for the right woman. If you’re the right woman, Nick will come to you with an apology and a declaration of love, monogamy, and whatever else goes into a stable relationship. If he does not, then you know where you stand with him.”
Magda nodded once, her eyes going back to Nick without even trying. He was looking out to the sea, lost in his thoughts. Of Remy? Of Magda? She did not know. Magda hated waiting, but it seemed there was no other option for her right now if she wanted to be with Nick.
Five
When James slept that night, he did not dream of Remy. Instead, he dreamed of his childhood. He dreamed of what it felt like to be alive. He dreamed of his father, tall and intimidating, simply by walking into a room. He dreamed of his mother, strong and warm, with just one glance. He dreamed of his younger brother, clumsy and eager, who wanted nothing more than to be like his James. James dreamed about the pool of women he would have been able to choose from when he was required to select his final bride. He dreamed of the power he would have had over his people, after his father stepped down. And he dreamed of their lifeless faces during the raid that killed everyone.
The Neverland Trilogy Box Set Page 47