by Sarah Tomp
Once, a few years ago, they’d thought she was overtired, so they made her take a weekend off. Then, when she returned, Benny wouldn’t let her on the board. He’d forced her to sit on the side of the pool as punishment for missing practice. She’d refused, instead decided to run away. A few hours later, Benny was the one who found her walking along the highway. After that, her parents backed off and let him dictate her schedule. She’d insisted they stay away from practices. She didn’t want them to even talk to him.
And now, the thought of starting over with a new coach was impossible to imagine. If she freaked out at that meet in LA, when that coach had just called her name, there was no way she’d make it through a single workout with someone else.
“Don’t you miss it?” asked Dad.
Of course she missed it. Her body literally ached to get back to work. Simply hearing Coach Ling talk about the boards and the water and the maybe of diving had made her weak in her middle.
But worse was the way she wanted to run to Benny and see what he thought. She’d belonged to him for so long, she didn’t know how to be on her own.
She may have gone somewhere new in that cave with Cotton, but now she was right back where she’d started.
Ten
School already felt dim and drab and it was only the second day.
Both Sean and Maggie were so pumped up with the newness of the year and being seniors, it was easy not to say anything about caving. As long as Ria kept asking them questions, their focus never turned on her. That had always been how she avoided letting anyone look too closely at how she spent her school day. If Sean knew her classes were ridiculously basic it was only because Maggie had told him.
She didn’t even have to lie or be vague about where she’d gone after school. There was no reason to try to describe the nitty-gritty details or the looser, more elusive feeling of caving. Now, in the ordinary world of fluorescent lights and crowds, it almost felt as if she’d dreamed about exploring underground. Except, she felt echoes of all the climbing and maneuvering around the rocks in her muscles. It had been a full-body workout, leaving her with the best kind of ache. So reassuringly familiar.
At the end of third period and all of her assigned classes, Sean latched onto her. Literally. He tucked his hand into her back pocket and said, “Walk me to class. I don’t want to say goodbye yet.”
On the way, he suddenly ducked around a corner, into a spot behind a display case.
He moved in for a kiss. She shifted, so she wouldn’t have her back against the wall. His hands felt good against her sore muscles, but his kisses felt too frantic. Especially for school. His tongue was way too acrobatic, for anywhere. Or maybe he was doing it right. She could only compare Sean to Sean. He was the only boy she’d ever kissed.
She pulled away and pressed her fingers against his chest, searching for his heartbeat beneath the soft of his shirt. In her mind she named his muscles: pecs, abs, obliques, delts, biceps, triceps.
“Aren’t you going to be late?” she asked.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
She was treading unsteady ground. She’d never seen him get mad before so she had no idea how to defuse him if he did. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“I wish you would get me in trouble.” He grinned mischievously and took her hands in his. “But you’re never here.”
“I have a minimum schedule.”
“I know, I know. But it’s not like you have anywhere to go.” He squeezed her hands. “Stop. Don’t look like that. Don’t be sad.”
“I’m fine.”
“How can you still miss diving?” He frowned, staring too intensely, too close. “It’s been two months.”
Fifty-six days. But it wasn’t the time. It was her. Who would she be if she didn’t miss it?
“Yesterday Benny made them do yoga poses on the board. Anytime anyone fell off they had to do a dirty thirty on the deck. It was horrendous!”
She knew he was trying to make her laugh, but hearing him use Benny-lingo only made her queasy.
“But, hey, there’s a football game on Friday. All the seniors sit together and go crazy. Okay?”
“Okay,” said Ria. Because “okay” was a vanilla nothing kind of word. It didn’t mean anything. Nothing worth caring about was ever simply okay.
Sean suddenly looked nervous, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “The guys are planning to go to Grover’s after the game.”
Grover didn’t exist. He was a code name among Sean and his friends for when they needed a cover for partying. He was the scapegoat if anything ever went wrong.
“Which means I can stay out . . . all night? Okay?”
“Okay,” she said again, unsure what either of them meant.
“You’re the best!” He kissed her quickly, then said, “Crap. I’m late. Gotta go.”
When she finally left school, she slowed by the bus stop, but Cotton wasn’t there. She was so late leaving she’d missed him and he probably was already on the bus. Or, he was somewhere else entirely. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t show up at his house. It’s not like he’d be expecting her. No way could she knock on the door and bother his mother. There was no chance of caving today. She’d even brought an extra pair of old clothes, in case. A pebble of disappointment formed in her throat.
Eleven
It felt like Cotton had disappeared.
For the last two days she’d run along the trail behind his house, and all the way to the cave entrance, but there was no sign that he’d been there. He had seemed certain that he only went in the cave on weekends. She didn’t have to follow his guidelines. But, even though she’d brought a flashlight, she couldn’t bring herself to go in the cave alone. Instead she sat by the entrance, breathing in the cool, damp air and listening for proof that he was inside. The proof hadn’t surfaced, not any more than he had. All week she didn’t see him anywhere, around school, or at the bus stop.
Friday afternoon she received a giddy text from Maggie that practice had ended early. She wanted to go to the football game together.
Ria went to pick her up from the dry gym. She parked around the corner of the enormous cement building, out of sight. When she’d first started diving, Benny’s dry land workouts had been held on a rusty trampoline and a mildewed mat shoved in the alley behind the Aquaplex. Once Mom heard what he visualized, she’d helped him get the permits and lease. Dad wrote a business plan so Benny could get a loan for all the required equipment. Trampolines in three different sizes, weights, mats, mirrors; even a diving board that launched them into a giant foam pit. Anything and everything that would make them stronger, better, more competitive. All the divers and their parents had helped to create the fantasy wonderland.
She checked her phone again. There had to be a different time zone or magic portal surrounding the gym. Hours had flown by when she was inside it, but now, sitting in the parking lot, the minutes dragged on.
A sudden knocking on her back window made her jump, but before she could make sense of Benny’s face, he’d moved beside her car, gesturing for her to open the window.
“Maggie’ll be out in a minute,” he said as soon as the glass slid down.
Ria kept her hands on the steering wheel, reminding herself to stay in the car.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, bending over and putting his elbows on her window frame. “I knew you couldn’t quit.”
She hadn’t meant to quit altogether. She just scratched the meet. But then he’d quit her, even though he knew she couldn’t dive for anyone else.
“You’re not wired that way.”
She couldn’t tell if that was a compliment or a curse.
“We might be able to help each other out.”
She waited. Not knowing where he was leading her made it hard to sit still.
“Nothing is for sure, but I’ve got some ideas. I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep, but . . .” He grinned, as if she should know what he meant. “Let�
��s just say I have a feeling your parents are going to be sorry they ever started whining about how things have turned out.”
She rubbed her chin in reflex. It barely hurt anymore. For Benny, whining was one of the gravest sins.
“So, I can come back?”
“Not here. You quit this place. It would be a bad example.” He frowned. “I’m working as fast as I can, but this is your time, Ria. Use it to play teenager. I hear there’s a big game tonight, right? So, go and have fun with that pretty lifeguard boyfriend of yours. Go a little wild.”
He must have recognized her confusion because he added, “I mean it. You deserve to have fun while you can.”
Her head spun with his words that belonged to someone else. As if she didn’t know he thought normal teenager stuff was a waste of time.
“But don’t get soft on me.”
He disappeared around the back side of the building, leaving her to puzzle what he meant. He didn’t want her here, but he hadn’t seemed mad, either. It was the most precarious place to be.
Finally, Maggie opened the passenger door and stuck her head in, grinning and smelling of sweat and chalk. “Hey! Do you want to come in and see everyone?”
“No!” Ria turned away, swallowing hard against the sudden ambush of ache in her throat. Clearly, Maggie had no idea Benny had stepped outside to see her. There’d always been parts of his coaching they didn’t talk about. It was one of his rules—no comparison. He had to treat them each differently because they needed different things. What was said privately, coach to diver, was sacred. Secret. It was the only way to be a team.
As Maggie plopped on the passenger seat, she redid her bun, checking it in the visor mirror even though her fingers knew the drill.
“I still can’t believe Benny let us out early. He was finally in a decent mood today, for the first time since . . .” Maggie looked away and got busy with her seat belt, while going on. “Anyway, when Chrissy started complaining about missing the first game of the year, I was fully expecting him to add another round of reps, but instead, all of a sudden, he said—” She paused for dramatic effect, then lowered her voice in a weak Benny-imitation, “Go experience a high school football game. Be teenagers.”
That was like what he’d said to her. Ria forced herself to laugh along even though it knocked the air out of her that he would say those same words so casually. To the whole team. For stupid football.
“I don’t know if I even want to go to the game.”
“Oh come on, Ria. Don’t be soggy. It’s our senior year. Everyone is going to be there. Aren’t you meeting Sean?”
“Yeah. He’s going with Tony and Charlie.”
As she started the car and pulled away from the curb, Maggie burst out, “You have no idea what it’s like without you at practice. Chrissy thinks she’s queen bee.”
“She is. Queen bee-yotch. That’s nothing new.”
“But you aren’t there to shut her up! And Max keeps crying. Temo is so freaking lazy. He actually hid in the hot tub last week—and Benny didn’t even call him on it. Jillian is just Jillian.”
“So, quit.”
“Quit?” Maggie scrunched up her nose. “I can’t quit. I have to get a scholarship.”
“Then suck it in and dive it straight.” Her Benny-quotes were so damn automatic. Their minds worked the same way.
Maggie rolled her eyes, then said, “Besides, you should have seen my backs today. They were totally kick-ass. Chrissy was so jealous.”
That was diving. Bitching was part of the game. The pain and misery put the shine on the badge of honor. It had to hurt, to suck at least a little bit, to balance out the thrill. Having too much of one or the other threw everything out of whack. “I still want to see your reverse two-and-a-half.”
“It’s not quite there yet. That first one was a fluke. I don’t know what I’m missing.”
“Go more up than out.”
Ria meant it as a joke. That was the catchall, the most generic of dive advice, always true, but maddeningly nonspecific.
“I bet you could fix it for me. You know I never would have gotten my inward without you.”
“You already had it, Maggie. You just didn’t believe it. It’s all in your head.”
Stupid heads. Life would be easier without them.
“Sorry,” said Maggie. “Shutting up now.”
“You don’t have to not talk about diving.” She had a million questions about what was going on with the team. And about the workouts. She didn’t have the right to ask, but the wondering wouldn’t quit. Now she was also wondering what Benny was working on. Maybe she wasn’t done after all.
“Benny must have had a reason for letting Temo rest in the hot tub,” Ria said. “You know he didn’t forget he was there. Maybe Temo wasn’t ready. Or he’s injured, even if it’s only a tweak. Then he might need the extra soak time. I can’t see Benny ignoring him for no reason. Benny always has a reason.” Ria caught the look on Maggie’s face and stopped.
“You’ve never been able to convince me Benny’s as perfect as you think, so let’s not invite him in with us right now, okay? I’m sick of diving—it’s all I ever do. Save me from my boring self. Tell me something new.”
She didn’t have anything to tell. Except for caving. And that was getting harder to believe it had ever happened.
“Hey, Mags, do you have any classes with Cotton Talley?”
Maggie sucked on her water bottle, noisily, for several inches’ worth, then finally came up for air. “I don’t think so. Why?”
Ria shrugged. It seemed like she should have run into him again after that day of caving. She’d spent way too much time making up explanations why she hadn’t. Thinking that he’d been kidnapped like Esther. Or was sick and suffering all alone in his bed. He could have fallen through the crack in the cave, all the way to Australia. But, really, it was probably that he hadn’t thought about her one way or another. She was obsessing for no reason. If he’d vanished, it would be in the news. Everyone would be talking about it.
Maggie laughed. “You’re so random, Ria. But hey, take me to the drugstore. Jillian told me about this new hair serum. She swears it heals even the worst pool frizz.”
The cool of the store’s air-conditioning hit Ria in the face. “Ahhh,” she said involuntarily.
“You’re a cheap date.” Maggie laughed.
They studied the aisle of oils, serums, conditioners. Maggie was a dedicated soldier in the battle of chlorine vs. hair. “The name is Sensational Something. Or Sensory. I think it has coconut oil. Or maybe avocado.” She paused, then asked, “Are you and Sean fighting?”
“No. Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know. Because he was pouting at lunch and you look miserable too. And . . . because you asked me about Cotton Talley.” Maggie burst out laughing. “As if.”
Ria frowned. She knew why Maggie was laughing. Cotton was nice and smart. But he was also different. Maybe even weird. He’d outgrown needing special classes but he still had that small-room way of being clueless about things that mattered to people who fit in the one-size-fits-all classroom.
She was glad she hadn’t told Maggie about the cave. That was Cotton’s place, somewhere he fit perfectly. He’d shared it with Ria, but it wasn’t hers to pass on to anyone else. Maybe he’d take her there again. As long as he hadn’t disappeared.
“Sean’s planning to stay out all night tonight. With Grover.”
“Does that mean with you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” That was the problem with only speaking in looks and kisses and eager roaming hands. She never knew for sure if they were speaking the same language.
“Well, are you ready? What if he wants to do it?”
“That’s not what he meant. We’ve never even talked about it.”
“You don’t have to talk about it, you just have to do it.”
“Doesn’t it seem like if you’re going to be exchanging body fluids you should be able
to talk about the when and where and how?”
“Ewww. Body fluids? That’s a gross way to put it.”
But that didn’t make it untrue.
“I think he just wants to drink.” She picked up a big purple bottle with silver swirls. “Have you tried this one?”
Maggie took it from her, studying the list of ingredients.
“But, sex is better for your body than drinking,” said Ria.
“I guess you’re right. If you use protection. Do you have a love glove?”
“A what?”
“A hot juice balloon. Rocket pocket. Wacker wrapper. Wood hood. Knock-me-not.” Maggie sighed. “Rubbers?”
“You mean condoms?”
“Yes, Ria, condoms. Prophylactics.”
“No! We haven’t even . . . besides, isn’t that Sean’s job?”
“You have to make sure. Just in case.”
A second later, Maggie dragged Ria across the store to the family planning aisle.
“How can there be so many choices?” Ria asked, utterly stunned by the expansive display. “Forget it. I’m not buying these.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Maggie linked her arm in Ria’s. “Do you know what a turn-on it would be for Sean if you did?”
“That’s not the issue. He’s turned on plenty.”
“Okay.”
“It’s a big deal to some people, Maggie. You know, most people.”
“Speaking of big deal, what size do you need?”
“There are different sizes?”
“Well, duh. So, do you think he’s a medium or large? Please don’t say small.”
“How am I supposed to know?” She picked up one of the boxes and looked at the happy couple on the back. “I can’t win with this, Maggie. No matter what size I pick—whether I’m right or wrong—it’s going to make him feel bad. I hate hurting his feelings. He’s so sensitive.”
“Wait!” Maggie grabbed a box. “Here! The sensitive touch. Get this one!”
It was all so ridiculous. But she couldn’t imagine Sean finding it quite so funny.