by Davies, Amy
“You’re leaving me?” I look away from the sadness in his eyes.
“Maybe it’s for the best James. You can do so much better than a fucked up girl like me. Just please don’t make this any harder than it already is.” I look down at Sasha, who is now at the bottom of the porch steps.
“Tally please don’t do this. James and I have had a connection for years, as I had a brother who died just like Nate, that’s how we know each other. We will always be friends, closer than most friends yes, because we dated for a while. But for the past two years, we have been nothing more than friends. I’m happy with Chad and I’m looking forward to our future together, but James needs you Tally, he has completely changed since he met you.” I look at James. He has tears in his eyes and it breaks my heart. She keeps going as me and James just stare at each other. “He phoned me the night after you two met. He told me he danced with this amazing girl. He was still a little drunk because he kept going on about how she smelt and tasted like pineapple.” Still looking at each other, a smile creeps across our faces.
“Is that what you meant when you told me the day of my interview that you enjoyed the view?” His smile gets bigger.
“Yeah baby, we danced for a few songs. You where grinding on me, had your arms around my neck. Fuck you smelt so damn good. I had to have a taste so I did.” He shrugs as if it’s nothing.
“A taste? I don’t remember kissing you, or anyone that night.” I scratch my head “Actually I don’t remember much about that night at all.” A little laugh escapes me.
“I was kissing your neck, but you starting moaning and your friends pulled you away. I so would have taken you home that night and never let you go.”
A black town car pulls up in front of my house and both James and I turn to it. Sasha is smiling at us both. She places her hands on both sides of my face. “Tally, let him in. He loves you. He is just too damn stubborn to say it. You are good for each other. Stick with it Tally.” I smile at her and she turns to James with a bigger smile on her face. “You, my boy, need to tell your girl how you feel. It’s evident how she feels for you. Nate would want you to find love and make a family of your own. ‘Live and Breathe’ James, remember that.” She says has she places her hand over his tattoo on his ribs. More tears spring to my eyes as we watch Sasha climb into her car and drive away. I look back to James, who is staring at me again.
“So where do we go from here?” I say, looking him dead in the eyes.
“I think we need to go inside and talk about us Tally. I get that you were upset and I’m so damn sorry that you had to see that but...” I turn and walk inside my house. I hear James walk behind me and close the door.
Chapter 17
“Would you like a drink or anything?” James shakes his head no. “Ok, well I’m going to have a beer. Why don’t you have a seat in the living room?” I see flashes cross his face like he is figuring something out for the first time.
James just stands there. “Can we just talk this out please, because I’m getting the vibe that you’re going to end us tonight. And to be honest Tally...” He trails off and rubs his hands over his face, he must see the uncertainty on my face. He thinks for a long time. I can almost hear the gears turning in his head. He is having second thoughts. I can see his face is pained, just like mine. “Listen. I get it okay, this life isn’t for everyone. Some people can handle being in the spot light and others can’t and believe me bab...” he stops himself from calling me baby and I feel it like a knife to my heart. “Believe me when I say I understand that you can’t do this. It will kill me to walk away, but I will because that’s what you want.” I knew this was coming. I place my unopened bottle on the kitchen counter and sag against it, praying my legs keep me upright. It’s hard, as James is walking away. I blink away the tears trying to find my voice. He isn’t fighting for us, but neither am I. Perhaps this isn’t meant to be.
My voice is still stuck in my throat as James makes his way over to me. My body stiffens and he places his hands on either side of my face “I get it okay babe, believe me I get it. You will always own a piece of me Natalia Slone, always.” Tears fall down my cheeks, but James wipes them away with his thumbs. I can’t take my eyes off of him. Why can’t I tell him how I feel? Damn it! “One day I hope that you love someone enough to let them in. I had just hoped that, that someone would have been me.” With that, he kisses my lips gently and pulls away. I’m still frozen in place while I watch him walk towards the door. He stops half way through the door and turns to me, it’s then that I see the wetness on his cheeks. James is crying. “What Sasha said was right.” He catches his breath. “I love you Tally, I always will.” He turns and leaves.
My legs give away and I crumble to the floor, sobbing my heart out. My heart just walked out the door and I did nothing to stop him. I rock back and forth, cradling my knees to my chest. Nothing will stop this pain I’m feeling, nothing. I have thrown away the best thing that has ever happen to me. I don’t know how long I cry for, my eyes and throat is sore from all the sobbing. I pick myself up and make my way upstairs. I stand in my room, looking at the bed that I made love to James in a few days ago. Fresh sobs erupt from me, when I hear the front door open. I quickly strip off my clothes and get into the shower, not caring that the water is always cold at first. I’m too numb to feel anything. I get myself under control and stand under the now high temperature water. After a few minutes, I hear the door creak open and Scarlett’s voice rings out. “Pup you okay? How did things go with James?”
I steady my breath “Scar, can we not talk about this right now, please? I really just need to be alone right now, okay?”
I hear her sigh. “Okay, I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”
“I’m just going to go to bed when I get out. It’s my day off tomorrow, so I’m going to go shopping and keep busy.”
“So are you still wearing the dress to the wrap party?” I fight more tears.
“I’m not going, Scar. Let’s just leave it at that please.” I say wiping the tears away.
“Okay Pup, I will leave you alone for now, but remember this. You’re my baby sister and if you’re hurt, then I’m hurt. You will tell me what has happened with James.” Just at the sound of his name, sobs breaks loose. “Shit Tally, what happened?” I turn the water off and step out. Scarlett, the best sister in the world, is standing there with a big white fluffy towel waiting for me. She wraps it around me and pulls me towards my room.
I’m standing in my bedroom while my sister wipes me down after my shower. God, I love her. She dresses me in my nightwear and helps me into bed. I’m lying in my bed, when Scarlett comes back into the room with her phone to her ear. “Okay cool, we will see you in a bit.” I frown
“Who was that?” Oh God, please don’t tell me it was James.
“Just Jake. He is going to bring some comfort food and we are all going to snuggle up and watch a movie, okay?” I nod and sit up.
“Did you tell Jake about James?” She shakes her head.
“I just told him what I know, that James cheated on you and it’s over now.” I gasp.
“Oh God Scar, James didn’t cheat. James and Sasha explained it all to me. He left me because he thinks I can’t handle the spot light. He left me because he thinks it’s what I wanted. He thinks that I can’t let him in after everything that happened with Dean. He told me he loves me Scarlett, and I let him walk away.” I feel a tear hit my hand.
“You love him, don’t you Pup?” I nod yes.
“It’s too late now. He walked away Scar and I can’t go to him after that, I just can’t. If he isn’t willing to fight for me, then what’s the point in trying?”
“But Tally, you didn’t fight for him either. You let him walk. You can’t put all the blame on him. I bet you all of my trust fund that if you phoned him right now and asked to come back here, he would.” I shake my head at her, knowing that from the look in his eyes he was done with me, with us.
”He wouldn’t Scar, you
didn’t see his face before he left me. He is done.” We sit in silence until I hear my big brother’s voice break through the house.
“Yo ladies, where you at?” I can’t help but laugh at Jake. My big brother rocks.
“We are up here Jakey!” I shout. I hear Jake take stomp up the stairs. He struts into my room and frowns when he sees me.
“Oh fuck no. He hurt you Pup? Don’t lie to me, I will kick his fucking ass for you.” I give him a small smile.
“He didn’t hurt me Jake, calm down. Well, not physically anyway.” I look down at my ring and start to twist it around on my finger. “He left me Jake, he walked away.” I shake my head as James’s face flashes in my head and I rub my chest. Jake sits on the bed next to me, pulls me into his side, and hugs me tight. He kisses the top of my head and a sob sneaks out.
“Shh Pup we are here. He won’t hurt you again.” He rocks me back and forth.
We all snuggle down to watch Fast Five. Yummy, Paul Walker. Just seeing him on the screen hurts my chest, he reminds me of James. His hair, his smile. I miss him. My phone pings, alerting me of a text. Scarlett passes it over to me and Jake tries to look at whose name is on the screen.
“Hey nosey parker, get out of it.” I laugh, looking down at my phone to see the text is from Cassidy.
Cassidy: Babe what happened? Why haven’t you texted?
Me: Long story short, James left me. We are done. I love him, but it’s too late.
Cassidy: WHAT?!!!!! Did u tell him?
Me: No, Cass just leave it. I will text tomorrow. Night.
Cassidy: Okay babe. Love you.
Me: Love you 2
I smile at my phone, turn it off, and snuggle back into Jake. I’m so lucky to have him for a big brother. I remember when he found Dean a few days after he was released from the police station. He beat Dean to a pulp. Now Jake is not a violent person, but Dean hurt his family and that’s like hurting him. Dean didn’t press charges, he just told the police that he was mugged. I don’t know why he did it. I thought he would have jumped at the chance to take Jake down, but he didn’t. I am grateful for that because if Dean had pressed charges, Jake would have been fired from his soccer team and that team is his life. He sees those boys as his brothers; they all look out for each other. I remember not long after the Dean incident I went out with Cassidy, Josh, and everyone and got extremely drunk. I was so drunk that I blacked out. I woke up the next day in a room that I didn’t know. I remember walking out of the room, luckily still fully dressed, to find a really freaking hot guy sitting by a table in the kitchen. It turned out to be one of Jake’s team mates who saw the state I was in and brought me home. I slept in his guest room, as Jake was away on vacation with a girl at the time. He was so sweet. He made me breakfast and then drove me home. We have stayed in touch from that night. He is like another big brother, just freaking hot.
I woke in my bed alone with the sun streaming through my bedroom window. I stretch and let out a groan. I lay there with a blank mind until the memories from last night come flooding back. I take a deep breath and make my way to my bathroom to have a hot shower. The water washes away my aches, but not my heart ache or my memories. I get dressed in shorts and a concert tee and blow dry my hair, leaving it down with its natural wave to it. I make my way down stairs to find my sister and brother eating breakfast. They both look up when they hear me enter the kitchen. “Morning.” I say, kissing Scarlett on the cheek and Jake on the top of his head.
“Morning Pup, how you feeling?” I shrug and open the fridge. I need OJ.
“I’m fine Scar. It will take time to heal, but I will get there.” I say, pouring my drink. They look at each other and then back to me. “What? Listen it happened, get over it. He didn’t want it enough to fight. And yeah I know it goes both ways. I’m hurt just as much as he is, but HE walked away, not me.” I leave them and go and sit on my front porch. I need some fresh air.
I sit and watch the boys in the street play baseball. God, I would give anything to be that age again. Seth sees me and comes running across the street to see me. “Morning Miss Tally. Are you and James going to come and play a game with us today?” There is that pain again. I give him a weak smile.
“No, sorry Seth. James won’t be coming around anymore, okay? Sorry buddy.” His smile fades and he just nods and walks away. Why am I always hurting people? My phone beeps and I know by the noise that it’s my calendar reminding me to book my hair appointment for the wrap party in a few days. I know that Scarlett will be disappointed that her clothes won’t be on show there, but I also know that she understands that I can’t go now. I make my way back into the house as Scarlett and Jake come out.
“I’m off to work, you going to be okay today? I don’t have to go in.” I shake my head.
“It’s fine. Like I said last night, I’m going to go shopping and spend some cash I think.” She smiles at me and kisses me on the cheek.
“Later, Pup.” She waves and drives off. Jake and I stand there watching her drive away. I turn to look at my brother.
“So are you really okay, or are you just hiding it?” I shrug
“Haven’t you got training to get to?”
“Yep, these morning sessions are a killer, man.” He kisses the top of my head and heads to his car. “I’m here if you need anything Tally.”
“I know Jakey, I know. Hey, say hi to Charlie for me, will you?” He nods and waves as he drives away.
I arrive at the mall and start wandering around. There isn’t really anything I need, to be honest. I just didn’t want to sit at home alone with me and my thoughts. I hit a very expensive lingerie store to buy some sexy nightwear. It’s not like anyone will see it though, but it might make me feel better and sexier. I wander around more stores, not buying much. I see a crowd of people just a few stores down, so I walk down to see what all the fuss is about. As I head down, the girl’s giggles and chatter get louder. It must be a celebrity or something. I head closer and the flashes start going off, so yep it’s a celeb. I manage to get closer by nudging my way through the crowd of girls, only to come face to face with James. I freeze and I can feel my body go cold. He is talking to a guy with a TV camera and a microphone. He looks as if he is doing an interview. I can’t move, so I have no choice but to listen.
“So, James, what was is like filming with such big names on Control?” James doesn’t hesitate with his answer.
“It was amazing, like a dream come true.” He smiles his mega-watt-smile and looks out to the crowd.
“It’s rumoured that you and your co-star Carmen Vogel had an off screen affair, is that true?”
James laughs “Nope, we have never had any kind of romantic affair off screen.”
“So is there anyone special waiting for you at home?” His face falls, but he recovers just as quickly as it falls.
“No Mike, no-one special. Well at least not at the moment. I’m happy being sing-” His eyes make contact with mine and he freezes mid sentence. My body comes undone. I nod my head in understanding and bite my lip to stop the sob escaping, but not the tears. While turning and pushing my way back through the crowd, I hear my name. “Tally, wait!” I don’t listen. I head out to my Jeep as fast as I my feet will carry me.
Chapter 18
I make it to my car and throw my store bags into the back seat. I hear him again “Please baby, wait.” I stop and turn to him, my anger boiling my blood.
“Baby? Baby? Really, Wilde? You think you have the right to call me that anymore? I’m just another conquest to you. What was it you said? There’s no-one special waiting for you and you’re happy being single right now? Well you’re right, Wilde. I’m nothing special, and to be honest I should have known that I meant nothing to you. That you were just looking for a way out after I told you everything about Dean. I just can’t believe that you would turn it around on me.” The tears are flowing down my cheeks and my fists are clenched so tight I think I might have broken the skin. I see hurt cross his face and he shakes hi
s head.
“I was never looking for an out, Tally. I love you. I think I always have since that first night we met. I could still smell you on me days later, no matter how many times I showered. Every time I smell pineapples I think of you. You are under my skin Natalia. It’s just you refuse to let me love you. Dean has fucked you up so bad that he has ruined all men for you. I now have to live my life knowing that I wasn’t enough for you, that you will never love me enough to let me love you.” My breathe hitches.
“You’re right James, Dean has ruined all men for me, but not in a good way. He raped me and beat me and threatened to kill my family. How do you think someone is supposed to get over that? Huh? By falling in love with a Hollywood star that could just as easy drop her like he did? I knew a life with you was going to be an emotional rollercoaster. You didn’t fight for me James, for us. So that just showed me that you don’t love me enough to let me love you. I turn to open my car door when I hear him whisper.
“You love me?”
I climb into my Jeep and turn to James, who is standing in the parking lot staring at me, eyes locked on mine. “Yes James I love you, but it doesn’t matter anymore does it?” I close my door and drive away, I watch James stand there, watching me drive away. My heart breaks all over again, shattering into a million pieces. I don’t know if I can ever put my heart back together.
I turn the radio on and Ne-Yo’s ‘Let me love you’ is playing. I listen to the lyrics and it’s like James is singing to me. The words in the song cut me deep. I can feel every word that is being sung. It’s our song, it describes everything in us. It’s true, I have never felt a love like James’s before. He can show me, he can love me. I have to pull over and try to catch my breath. I take deep breaths and slow my breathing down. I brush away my tears and think about everything that has happened in the short time I have known James Wilde. The first time I saw him on the laptop in Scarlett Avenue, the first time he touched me in JAG. All the memories come flooding back. In such a short time, James has buried himself in me, in my heart and my soul. He takes the hurt away from my past.