by Beth Graham
BERNICE
Robert Trimble.
BERNICE exits.
PETER
I felt bad—I feel bad that she went to bed without knowing the truth about Dad. I should have told her.
IRIS
No. You did the right thing.
PETER
You think?
IRIS
Yes. She shouldn’t have to relive that memory over again.
PETER
I couldn’t tell her. She was so. . . she seemed so. . .
IRIS
Helpless.
PETER
Yeah.
IRIS
A bambino.
PETER
Uh-huh. . . that’s all I needed to tell you.
IRIS
You should come over for lunch sometime. I don’t think you’ve ever been to my place.
PETER
Sure. I’ll take you for a ride on the bike.
IRIS
I’m not good with the whole open road wind blowing through my hair thing.
PETER
You wear a helmet.
IRIS
Still not good with it.
PETER
Fair enough.
PETER hugs IRIS. After a moment, PETER pats IRIS on the back.
IRIS
(still hugging PETER) Did you just pat me on the back?
PETER
Yep.
IRIS
Dad always used to do that to indicate the end of the hug. Are you indicating the end of the hug?
PETER
Yeah, I think so.
IRIS
(releasing PETER) Was that on your “to do” list?
PETER
Hug sister. Check.
IRIS
Check.
PETER
See ya.
PETER exits.
IRIS
Peter reaches out from a distant galaxy. . . while Sarah pushes away, hurtling into space.
IRIS takes away the salt and pepper shakers.
Sarah hasn’t talked to me since that night. Hard to imagine Sarah not talking, but she’s not. Not to me, anyway.
I could call her. She’d know what to do. I just have to pick up the phone and push a button and poof, her voice is on the other end of the line. Modern technology makes communication so easy. So why can’t I? Why can’t I just pick up the phone? Because human beings make communication so hard.
I wish. . . I wish. . . I cross my fingers and wishwishwish.
She crosses her fingers and wishes.
Sometimes, I can feel the size of the universe. An endless amount of space, and all of us floating in it. Particles spinning around more particles, spinning around even more particles. . .
Sometimes, I can feel the weight of the universe sitting right between my shoulders on the middle of my chest, making it hard to breathe. That’s why I slouch. It’s not my fault, it’s the weight of the universe. Mom would never accept that excuse, but slouching keeps me protected. You hit my shoulders first before you get anywhere near my heart.
IRIS looks down at her fingers and uncrosses them. The phone rings.
(answering) Iris speaking.
BERNICE
Iris?
IRIS
Who else would it be?
BERNICE
I’m having a get-together this afternoon.
IRIS
Again?
My mom was having a lot of get-togethers of late. She was keeping busy by entertaining friends and relatives.
BERNICE
Can you pick up a block of that creamy cheese and some crackers? Not the ones with seeds though. They get stuck in my teeth. Oh! And some olives.
IRIS
I had reduced my hours as a temp to assist my mom as a party planner.
BERNICE
Mmmm, olives.
IRIS
It was fun at first, until I realized what she was doing. She was having all these get-togethers because she was saying goodbye.
BERNICE
Iris?
IRIS
Yeah.
BERNICE
Don’t forget the cheese. Love you.
IRIS
Love you too.
BERNICE and IRIS hang up their phones. IRIS sets out the salt and pepper shakers. SARAH enters. BERNICE, IRIS, and SARAH are all in BERNICE’s kitchen.
Sarah would be at these get-togethers before I got there—
A moment of tension between SARAH and IRIS.
SARAH
. . . Bye, Mom.
BERNICE
Sarah, make an effort.
SARAH
I can’t.
IRIS
—and leave, as soon as I arrived.
SARAH
(calling out to PETER) Bye, Peter. (exiting) Mike! Get Heaven! We’re going!
IRIS
Classic conflict-avoidance technique.
BERNICE
You girls are killing me.
IRIS
(throws up her hands) I didn’t do anything.
BERNICE
(calling) Peter, turn off the TV and start grilling.
PETER enters from the living room.
PETER
Hey, Iris.
IRIS
Hey.
BERNICE
Can you take that tray out? Oh! I need lipstick.
IRIS
You look great.
BERNICE
I’ll just be a minute.
BERNICE exits.
PETER
Looks like I’m on barbecue duty.
IRIS
Lucky you.
PETER exits.
Everyone was out on the deck eating and visiting. My uncle was telling some crazy story about my cousin and a homemade go-kart and a bull with huge balls. Don’t ask me how it all related, I only caught bits and pieces of it. All the guests were enthralled. I’d gone back inside to get more crackers for the cheese tray when I heard a sound.
BERNICE enters making a whimpering sound.
Mom?
BERNICE is crawling on her hands and knees, still making the whimpering sound.
Oh no. Oh no. Mom.
BERNICE whimpers.
What is it? What’s wrong?
BERNICE
Robert?
IRIS
No.
BERNICE
Robert.
IRIS
He’s not here. Dad’s not here.
BERNICE
Iris?
IRIS
That’s me.
BERNICE
Iris!
IRIS
I’m right here.
BERNICE
Everything’s all mixed-up.
IRIS
What do you mean?
BERNICE
Nothing’s in the right order.
IRIS
Shhh. Mom, please stop.
BERNICE
Where am I?
IRIS
In the kitchen.
BERNICE
My—my kitchen.
IRIS
Yes, your kitchen.
BERNICE
In—in m-m-m-my house?
IRIS
Yes. You’re in your house.
BERNICE
In my own house.
IRIS
Yes, that’s right. You went to get your lipstick.
BERNICE
My lipstick. . .
She opens her hand to reveal the lipstick to IRIS.
IRIS
(taking it from her) There i
t is. You found it.
BERNICE
I think I fell down.
IRIS
(helping her up, steadying her) You’re okay.
BERNICE
No, no I’m not. I’m not okay!
IRIS
Yes, you are.
BERNICE
It’s not okay, Iris! I’m disappearing. I’m starting to disappear.
IRIS
No, you’re not. You’re right here with me.
BERNICE
Please, help.
IRIS
Shhh. Let’s get you to a chair and sit you down.
BERNICE
I need your help.
IRIS
I know. I know you do.
BERNICE
Help!
IRIS
I’m trying!
I held my mother upright. The two of us fighting against gravity.
Breathe, Mom. In with the good air.
BERNICE
Out with the bad.
IRIS
That’s it. In. Out.
BERNICE
There are people outside.
IRIS
Yes.
BERNICE
We have guests.
IRIS
Yes.
BERNICE
I’m a mess.
IRIS
Let me fix you up.
BERNICE
We have guests.
IRIS
That’s why I’m fixing you up. There we go. Oh. Wait. You know what you need?
BERNICE
What?
IRIS
Lipstick.
BERNICE
Yes.
IRIS
A red tone. That’s what looks best with your complexion.
BERNICE
My complex complexion.
IRIS
(applying the lipstick to BERNICE) Lipstick. Bernice’s armour. Never leaves the house without it. Any battle could be won, provided she had a fresh coat of lipstick on.
(to BERNICE) Voila.
BERNICE
Voila.
IRIS
Go like this.
IRIS demonstrates rubbing her lips together to blend the lipstick.
Mom straightened up in the chair. Her posture looked better than ever. Then she said:
BERNICE
I think I’d like to lie down.
IRIS
I’ll show you to your room.
I stand corrected. Not all battles can be won with lipstick.
BERNICE
What about the guests?
IRIS
Not to worry. Uncle Doug is keeping them entertained with some story about the genitals of farm animals.
BERNICE
Oh dear.
IRIS
I’ll tell them you’re feeling under the weather. They’ll understand.
BERNICE
I’m suddenly very tired.
IRIS
I used to be afraid of the dark, so my mom would sit at the end of my bed and read to me until I fell asleep. Superfudge, Narnia, Little Women. Sometimes, if I caught her in the right mood, she’d invent some fantastical tale. Now, here I was, sitting at the end of her bed with no book to read and no fantastical story to tell. Nothing to stave off the darkness.
BERNICE
Iris?
IRIS
Yes.
BERNICE
I have to finish before I don’t know how to finish anymore.
IRIS
Oh.
BERNICE
I can’t do this to my kids.
IRIS
I don’t mind. Really, I don’t mind.
BERNICE
I can’t go on like this.
IRIS
But you don’t have any pills. Sarah took them.
BERNICE
Honestly, Iris, do you think I only had the one bottle? Give me some credit.
IRIS
She had three separate bottles in three different locations around the house. She had written the locations down so she wouldn’t forget.
BERNICE
(pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket) Always be prepared.
IRIS
Mom, you should have been a Girl Scout.
BERNICE
Iris, I need your help.
IRIS
Again?
BERNICE
Yes.
IRIS
What exactly do you need me to do?
BERNICE
You’re the one who’s going to find me.
IRIS
. . . Oh, please, no.
BERNICE
I know my kids. You’re the one who can handle this.
IRIS
I don’t think I am who you think I am.
BERNICE
Please.
IRIS
I—I can’t. . .
BERNICE
I don’t want to disappear.
IRIS
But Mom—
BERNICE
Please.
IRIS
(gently shakes her head no) I. . .
BERNICE
Iris, please.
IRIS
. . . Okay.
She filled me in on the plan. She had read about how to do it in some book. Her method was well researched. We set a time and a date.
BERNICE
That’s when I’ll take the pills.
IRIS
All of them?
BERNICE
Every last one.
IRIS
And after that? What exactly happens after that, Mom?
BERNICE
When I feel the pills start to take effect, I put a plastic garbage bag over my head and tie it tightly around my neck.
IRIS
A garbage bag?
BERNICE
To make sure.
IRIS
And then?
BERNICE
I lie down on my bed and I fall asleep.
IRIS
For good.
BERNICE
For good.
IRIS
And after that?
BERNICE
. . . That’s that.
IRIS
Only it isn’t. Not for me. I have more to do. Tell me what I have to do.
BERNICE
Iris.
IRIS
Tell me! Please. Step by step.
BERNICE
Four hours after the specified time, you’ll come to the house, with your key, because this time the door will be locked.
IRIS
And then?
BERNICE
I think you know the rest.
IRIS
. . . (nods and continues) I will enter the house, climb up the stairs, walk down the hallway, past Dad’s photograph hanging on the wall—
BERNICE
Robert Trimble.
IRIS —
I will open the door to your bedroom, and I will discover. . .
BERNICE
No—confirm.
IRIS
My hand on your neck, my fingers searching for a pulse, finding nothing.
BERNICE
Good.
IRIS
I will then have the task of calling an ambulance and then calling Peter and Sarah to inform them.
BERNICE
Don’t tell them you knew.
IRIS
But—
BERNICE
It’
s a necessary lie.
IRIS
Sarah’s not going to believe me.
BERNICE
She’ll have to. Because you will give her no other choice.
IRIS nods.
IRIS
Then I stated the obvious.
This is really hard.
And I tried like stink not to cry and failed.
(through tears) This is really, really hard.
BERNICE
I know.
IRIS
(pulling herself together) I stared at the wallpaper, trying to make it come into focus, and willed every particle in my being to stay put, to hold together against the threat of the cataclysmic nuclear explosion of my insides. N-O-V-A. That’s a four-letter word for despair.
And as I shook from my internal nova, my mother took my face in her hands and said:
BERNICE
Like the Italians. Mwah. Mwah.
IRIS
Once on each cheek. . . I waited for the third but it didn’t come. I guess she’d decided to mix it up.
And that was that. Only it wasn’t. Not quite.
I went over to my mom’s for one last visit, the night before the set date and time. It was pretty unremarkable. We played Monopoly.
BERNICE
This game isn’t making any sense.
IRIS
It’s a dumb game anyway. You’re the one who always wants to play it.
BERNICE
Not anymore.
IRIS
I’ll put it away.
Can I keep this?
BERNICE
Keep what?
IRIS
This game piece.
BERNICE
Which one?
IRIS
The thimble.
And as much as I knew my mom would want all the pieces put carefully back in place, she said:
BERNICE
I don’t see why not.
IRIS
I tucked the thimble into my pocket and went home.
IRIS puts the salt and pepper shakers away.
A few minutes after I got back, the phone rang.
The phone rings.
(answering) Iris speaking.
BERNICE
Iris?
IRIS
That’s me.
BERNICE
Do you remember what day it is tomorrow?
IRIS
Yep. How could I forget?
I bit my tongue. I had decided that I hated the word forget.
BERNICE
We still on?
IRIS
Yep. I’ll be there.
BERNICE
But not until it’s time.
IRIS
. . .
BERNICE
Just thought I’d double-check.
IRIS
Mom?
BERNICE
Yes.
IRIS
You sound so far away. You in outer space?
BERNICE
No, I’m still here.