by R Sitch
Despite its isolation, the city of Gyrorik has often led the way in Molvanian history. The country’s first official outbreak of bubonic plague occurred here. In 1743 street lighting was introduced. In 1744 the entire town burnt to the ground, prompting a re-think on the use of gun-powder-fuelled lamps. In the 20th century Gyrorik continued to pioneer modern concepts, becoming the first city in Europe to permit driving on either side of the road and giving livestock the vote.
Bustling, busy and bursting with life, Gyrorik is a city just waiting to be explored!
The Mayor of Gyrorik, Mr K.V. Stronzlhem, with his younger son ‘Little Leon’, cabaret singer and fertilizer salesman.
HOW TO GET THERE
Train The completion of a railway link between Lutenblag and Jzerbo was considered by locals as a great leap forward until it was realized that the line would actually bypass Gyrorik. Passengers may, however, alight at Trbeki Junction and complete the remainder of their journey by horse-drawn donkey. Most visitors view this as a charming option, until they realise that it’s the only option.
Plane Gyrorik’s regional airline GyroProp offers a daily service to and from Lutenblag, although passengers have often complained about missing baggage. This problem is no doubt exacerbated by the airline’s somewhat unusual habit of carrying their cargo strapped to the roof of the plane. Where possible, take as much as you can on as hand luggage.
A reminder for visitors arriving at Gyrorik Airport – smoking is prohibited within the terminal building. However, there is a designated smoking area outside the arrivals hall next to the aviation re-fuelling facility.
Car Despite being a long way from any other urban centre, most of the roads into Gyrorik are well-marked and frequently checked for mines. Of course, drivers should make sure their vehicles are in good condition because even though the Gyrorik Automobile Club (GAC) offers emergency roadside assistance, their vehicles are often out of service due to mechanical problems.
HOW TO GET AROUND
The city of Gyrorik boasts one of the most efficient and speedy underground train networks in all of Europe. Unfortunately, the service only runs for 2km and is therefore of limited use. Buses are a better option and cabs are plentiful although quite expensive by Molvanian standards (many drivers charge for ‘extras’ such as seat-belts and avoiding pot-holes).
Cafe Society – Molvania Style!
Caffeine lovers in Gyrorik can order a steaming mug of kappacinjo, a locally-brewed coffee topped with a layer of frothy milk uniquely derived from animals infected with mad cow disease.
WHERE TO STAY
There is a wide range of accommodation options for visitors to Gyrorik, depending on your budget and personal requirements. Establishments at the higher end of the price range are comparable to luxury hotels in Western Europe, while those at the lower end will give you a taste of what it would have been like sheltering in an underground Taliban stronghold during the 2002 invasion of Afghanistan.
Hotels remain the most common form of lodging; however, villa accommodation is becoming increasingly popular and it is possible for visitors to Gyrorik to rent a small two-bedroom cottage on the outskirts of town for as little as 200 a week. Of course, be prepared to pay a little more if you want the occupants to move out during your stay.
Traveller’s Tip...
Visitors to Gyrorik find that it’s a good idea to pack a universal drain plug, as plugs are often missing in hotel bathrooms. For that matter, a flashlight, small tool-kit and rope ladder could also come in handy.
$$$ Accommodation Luxury
Close to the centre of town, Hotjl Prozta has long been popular with business-people and adulterers. The rooms are spacious and all have high ceilings and even higher mini-bar prices. Contemporary Molvanian artwork can be found hanging in the lobby – as can several guests who were once caught stealing one of the hotel’s bathrobes.
54 Av Nazjonal
22 7575
22 7577
[email protected]
46
DC, V
With a keen eye to period detail, this disused building has been painstakingly restored to its original form. Why the owners of Spakiegjo bothered is a mystery as the place was only built 12 years ago and used to be a video rental shop.
23 Sv Bruce Lee
24 5804
24 5805
[email protected]
16DC,V
The Gyrorik Holidaj Injn is exactly what you’d expect from this respected hotel chain, although there are a few interesting local touches – stalactites, for example. Service can be a little slow, and if you plan on using the hotel’s only elevator it’s worth booking a day or two in advance.
Note: Health facilities include a basement swimming pool and three bars.
78 Av Busjbusj
28 0539
28 0555
[email protected]
94
MC, V
$$ Accommodation Mid-Range
Gbocjan Mic is a recently built hotel, opposite the main square, offering good, value-for-money accommodation close to all the city’s attractions. The hotel also features a restaurant, although one reader notified us that the advertised ‘folkloric floor-show’ merely consisted of an elderly – and, on most evenings, inebriated – local resident whose rendition of ‘traditional ballads’ involved little more than shouting erz vbe irg gugubcelc! (‘show me your brassiere!’) at bemused female patrons before collapsing at the bar.
12 SvMaoTseTung
25 0951
[email protected]
24
V
Aranjy Palatz is another centrally-located establishment with good sized rooms, many featuring baths and airconditioning. There is no restaurant or health club; however, guests are entitled to use facilities at Aranjy’s affiliated hotel, conveniently located in Budapest.
60 Av Nazjonal
22 0412
22 0411
[email protected]
20DC,MC,V
A little further out of town on the main road to Lutenblag you’ll find Kaca Sobieje, a six-storey hotel featuring its own restaurant and sporting facilities. Being so close to the motorway, traffic noise can be a problem in front-facing rooms, so it’s worth asking for one at the back where noise from the adjacent steelworks generally drowns out the sound of cars.
186 Sv Lutenblag
22 7575
22 7577
[email protected]
129
MC, V
Although it retains traces of its earlier grandeur, the Jborkle Palatz is now struggling to maintain standards. An extensive renovation during the 1970s managed to preserve many original features, such as the impressive marble staircase, but somehow managed to remove others, such as several retaining walls. As a consequence the building now has uneven floors and a leaking roof, although it’s not all bad – several of the cracks in the front wall afford excellent views out over a nearby park.
90 Sv Czokrak
28 1563
[email protected]
43
V
Philippe writes...
“I first visited Gyrorik in 1976 when there was not a single hotel. So there.”P.M.
$ Accommodation Budget
A Molotov cocktail’s throw from the centre of town, you’ll find the Miltajkadetka, a former defence facility that has been turned into a government-run youth hostel. The rooms are all small but very quiet, not surprising given that most of them are concrete bunkers deep underground. Several original features of the facility remain open to guests such as the mess hall (now a cafe) and obstacle course (now the lobby).
Note: Sadly, the very popular rifle range has recently been closed down following complaints from the primary school next door.
37 Sv Bruce Lee
20 7423
20 7422
[email protected]
142
The other main hostel in Gyrorik, the privately-run Bejcelzet, is a little further out of town but probably offe
rs better facilities. It has its own games room and Internet cafe, as well as a budget body-piercing clinic.
Note: The proprietor, a former Assistant Commissioner of Police, is a good source of information about the area, especially if you’re after drugs.
104 Ul Pizpiz
27 9870
[email protected]
86
DC, MC, V
Those interested in a taste of rural living will find it at Boricja Manor, a tourist farm complex some 75km south of the city. Here you can stay in converted stables and experience life on the land as you watch the farmer lovingly tend to his 10,000 battery hens. Of course, like many rural businesses, Boricja Manor does not accept credit cards. Payment here is strictly in cash or cigarettes.
34 Sv Onslo
23 2325
6 stables
Al fresco dining –Gyrorik style!
WHERE TO EAT
Like many cities in Molvania, Gyrorik’s dining scene is developing rapidly as restaurateurs respond to changing tastes and advances in food hygiene. But old habits die hard, and Gyrorik is not the place to eat if you’re into low-fat fare. Fried, fatty foods, red meat and rich desserts still dominate most menus, although, in a move towards healthy living, many restaurants are now installing cardiac defibrillator machines in their kitchens. Of course, what better way to complement your meal than with a glass or three of Gyrorik wine? Bottles of this heavily-fortified alcohol can be found at most licensed grocers or in the paint-stripper section of any hardware shop. And to finish off that special night out? Try a soothing cup of tzerca, a locally-grown herbal tea with distinct medicinal qualities – it induces vomiting.
$$$ Dining Luxury
Many come to Starejo Miaska purely for the atmospheric setting: candlelit bare-brick cellars in one of the most historic manors in downtown Gyrorik. But the food is also excellent, with fresh poultry a specialty. Not only can you choose your chicken or pheasant from a cage, the chef will also let you kill it yourself, considered a great honour. A string trio would add a sophisticated touch – if it weren’t for the fact they’re all banjo players.
24 Sv Dipterja
29 8872
DC, MC, V
Oceajana is in the centre of town. Despite its location some 2000km from the nearest ocean, this ambitious street-front bistro offers an extensive range of succulent seafood. According to several reports, their sushi platter is to die for. Literally.
23 Av Nazjonal
21 9961
MC, V
A short walk from the Gyrorik Museum, you’ll find one of the city’s culinary institutions, Qchinzja. Primarily a steak house, meat features heavily in most dishes here, including dessert.
Note: Those on a kosher diet be warned – the platter of ‘traditional grilled meats’ may contain traces of cured pig’s penis.
17 Av Nazjonal
23 6986
MC, V
TRAVEL ALERT!
A COMMON WAY FOR RESTAURANTS IN MOLVANIA TO ATTRACT TOURISTS IS BY PROVIDING DANCERS IN ‘TRADITIONAL COSTUME’. SADLY, IN PARTS OF GYRORIK, THAT COSTUME SEEMS MORE AND MORE OFTEN TO INVOLVE A BRA AND CROTCHLESS PANTIES WHICH, NO MATTER HOW LIBERAL YOUR INTERPRETATION OF MOLVANIAN HISTORY, IS NOT STRICTLY AUTHENTIC. IT IS ALSO DEMEANING ATTIRE FOR THE MEN FORCED TO WEAR IT.
$$ Dining Mid-Range
Bzorgas is a casual eatery just a few doors up from the Town Hall, popular with locals and visitors alike. Freshness is a feature here, with all meals de-frosted on the spot. In summer this relaxed bistro spills over onto the cobbled square outside where patrons will often break into song or hand-to-hand combat, depending on how much they’ve drunk.
78 Sv Frokstok
29 5961
Kazminc Jboba is in the centre of the busy district just north of the river. You’ll find this unpretentious tavernja packed with locals enjoying Gyrorik specialties such as hzermul (brains fried in garlic), ezikj (tongue), scklat jcumba (spicy entrails soup) and prochza (cheese with gizzards).
Note: For the less adventurous diner there are more conventional offerings such as steak and chicken, but even these are generally served on a bed of zmecj (sheep mucus).
56 Sv Frokstok
22 1853
Just off Ul Vzitmena in the heart of Old Gyrorik you’ll find the stylish Branjkso dining hall. With more than 50 main course meals to choose from, this is not the place to go if you have trouble making up your mind. Fortunately, 48 of the dishes involve pickled herring, so it makes the decision a little easier.
78 Sv Frokstok
29 5961
$ Dining Budget
Yankjees is a newly-opened diner offering what it calls ‘Molvanian–American cuisine’, a culinary hybrid involving such rarities as beetroot pizza, mule-burgers and spring-onion sodas. However, due to the chef’s somewhat literal interpretation of foreign recipes, ‘hot-dogs’ are best avoided.
21 Sv Bruce Lee
27 6583
Another low-cost eating option can be found at Vvaji’s, a funky little cafe offering excellent food and service in a friendly, windowless setting. There are plenty of tables and it’s even cheaper if you’re prepared to sit at the bar or on the chef’s lap. They also have an attractive terrace for open-air eating in summer, although the wasps, midges, sandflies and gypsy beggars can somewhat detract from the ambience.
30 Sv MaoTse Tung
25 2362
HIGHLIGHTS
Despite its reputation as an industrial city, Gyrorik is also well known for having one of the largest and most beautiful botanic parklands in central Molvania. The 44 hectare Hopzebja Gardens attracts people of all ages, who come here to walk, picnic, play frisbee and dump stolen motor vehicles in a shaded, graceful setting.
Branching Out!
The Hopzebja Gardens contain a wide range of trees native to Molvania, including several species that are found nowhere else in the world, such as the Brittle-Boughed Elm, the Splintered Pine and the Bouncing Willow. But the most famous specimen would have to be a 150-year-old Rootless Oak, said to be the slowest growing hardwood in the world. During the 18th century, timber from this tree was highly sought-after by Molvanian ship-builders who would use its short, stunted branches to burn in their stoves.
Of course, Gyrorik was the birthplace of Molvania’s most famous composer, Tzozar Czevkel (1772–1821), and one of the most beloved sights in the park is the Czevkel Memorial, a magnificent bronze statue showing the musical genius in a typical pose – with his pants around his ankles, a bottle of brandy in one hand and a young gypsy boy in the other.
Gyrorik’s Old City is home to many architectural highlights, including the municipal clock that was built by local craftsmen in 1421 and is famous for never once having displayed the correct time.
Directly opposite the cathedral is the 16th century Old Arsenal, a hybrid Gothic–Renaissance building that is nowadays the home of the Gyrorik Museum. The highpoint of this museum is its display of royal artefacts, a collection of gold, silver and embroidery, dating mainly from the 16th century, which was hidden in the walls of the arsenal in September 1939 to protect it from Russian invaders. The collection was only discovered again in 1992, ironically by Russian tradesmen installing an air-conditioning unit, who immediately made off with most of the treasures. The few items that were left behind now form the basis of the somewhat limited display.
To the east of the Old City is a sprawling stone compound made up of forbidding, windowless houses, each surrounded by a high wall covered in scenes depicting fiery death, the crucifixion and hell. It was here during the Middle Ages that people suffering from leprosy were banished. Today it serves as a child-care centre.
The Gyrorik Cathedral is an imposing and beautiful building set back from the main square. After touring at ground level you can climb the wooden staircase that leads from the sacristy to the cathedral tower where visitors may view the famous Zjekvel bell. Kissing the bell is said to bring good luck, although the high rates of herpes simplex infection amongst b
elievers would cast some doubt over this claim.
No visit to Gyrorik would be complete without a trip to its famous abattoir, one of the largest and most highly mechanized facilities in Europe. Tours are available (children half price), but it’s worth booking early, especially in summer, as this is one of the city’s most popular attractions.
Gyrorik’s famous nuclear reactor is one of the oldest in Europe, with some cracks dating back to the 1960s.
Chess Master
Gyrorik is, of course, the birthplace of Molvania’s most famous chess player, the enigmatic Illjia Ggrezel. A man of almost contradictory achievements, he became an international Grandmaster at 12 yet failed his driving licence when he was 25. He spectacularly defeated both Victor Kramnik and Gary Kasparov on his way to the final of the Eastern Bloc Championship in 1998 but tragically forfeited the final after sleeping through his alarm. Ggrezel is perhaps best known for his blazing victories in the ‘Man v. Machine’ series held in Lutenblag in 2001 in which he took on the Molvanian-built supercomputer, ‘Deep Brown’. This computer could make 14 billion calculations before every move but, as this process took several weeks to complete, the machine lost on time default.
A POEM OF FAREWELL
In 1920 Molvania’s then poet laureate K. J.Bcekjecmec (right) penned this ode, traditionally recited to visitors leaving or (being deported from) the country.
MAP LEGEND & TEXT SYMBOLS
CONVERSIONS
Distance
Kilometres/Miles/Kraktraks 1 = .62 = 1,2382/7
Metres/Feet/Splutzenfrabs
1 = 3.3 = 6062/7