“You put on enough. It looks good on you. Skinny woman excite me.”
“The last thing I am trying to do is excite you,” I said.
“Hey, now, I think I look handsome myself.” Max flexed his muscles.
“Goodbye, Max.”
I don’t remember much of the evening after returning from the liquor store. I just know I grabbed a beer and popped a movie into the VCR.
Around midnight, gunshots startled me out of sleep. When I regained my senses, I realized they were coming from the television as it blasted an old western movie.
My blouse was half-unbuttoned, and my tongue tasted like sandpaper. The pain behind my eyes felt like prickly needles, coupled with the pulsating throbbing on top of my head.
I slowly extended my hand and picked up my phone. It displayed four missed calls. I switched it to vibrate, dropped it in my lap and closed my eyes.
“Wake up.”
I moaned and massaged my temples.
“I made some coffee,” Marc said.
“How did you get in here? What time is it?”
“After midnight.”
“Lock the door on your way out. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“The empty bottles of beer say otherwise.”
“How dare you lecture me?” I yelled. “I’m not your problem anymore.”
Marc grabbed me by the shoulders. “Stop it, Traci. Nothing, no one is worth hurting yourself.”
“Go back to your whore.”
“Man, oh, man, you make me insane.”
His yelling made my headache worse. There was no position that I could get in to make me comfortable. “Now I remember one of the reasons I was glad I quit drinking. I feel like crap.”
“Why would you go and mess up like this for? I’ll be staying the night.”
I waved him off like an irritating fly and shuffled into my room.
Ever since I fell off the wagon temptation had become too great -- a drink here, a drink there. I even missed Saturday’s group session, which prompted Jessie to phone and check on me.
“I had to work,” I lied.
“Well, I look forward to seeing you this coming Saturday.”
“I will be there with bells on,” I said, slamming my drink down on the coffee table.
“I’m here for you, dear,” Jessie said.
“I appreciate your support. Dinner is boiling over. I have to go,” I said, hanging up.
Norman showed up some time after that and ended my self-pity sabotage. “I can’t let you do this to yourself.”
“Tonight’s my last night.”
“Hand me the bottle.”
I balked at his demand and guzzled the remaining beverage.
Norman started cleaning up my mess. “I want the girl I fell in love with back. Not a drunk.”
Shame stirred in me. Norman’s words had penetrated the smog I had started to adapt to once again. I wanted the girl he fell in love with back, too. I liked being that girl. I needed to find her again. At that moment, I realized the dreams that I had given up were no longer dead and buried.
Chapter 29
Soft rock filled the coffee house while people placed their custom orders. I was happy to be back, enjoying a café mocha and typing up an email to Mr. Edwards, informing him I was ready to come back to work full time.
Norman and Kevin told Jessie about my slip up; when she joined me at Duran’s, I wasn’t prepared for the reality check she gave me. “You have to learn to take things slow,” she said. “Make wise decisions and accept that it is okay to have a hiccup during your travels in life. Learn from a bad situation and move on.”
“Jessie, I’ve screwed up. As far as Olivia’s concerned, life is just a continuing nightmare. My problems with Marc haven’t been resolved and aren’t likely to be because he’s never around. I want closure for both, and neither will give it to me.
“Then when I go to visit Daniel, I hear his sweet cries, and it sets me right again. It’s like I’m in two separate worlds.”
“Traci, hold on to your willpower. You have a son you cherish. I know you want to be the best mommy for him. You can’t risk taking another sip. It might be the last chance you get to be a mommy.”
I looked down at my hands.
Jessie said, “At nineteen, I took my first nip of vodka. He became my best friend. On occasions, he was my only date for both lunch and dinner.
“My first indicator that I should’ve stopped drinking happened when I stumbled out of bed one night to tend to my sick child. She had come down with a fever, and I was still drunk. My vision was distorted, and I was unable to give the medicine. Luckily, my husband was there to help.
“The second time was when she came in and woke me up to take her to school. Again, I was intoxicated. I made my daughter breakfast, made me coffee, and we left. I never gave it a second thought when I turned the key that morning. I’m just glad the crossing guard had moved before I crashed my car into someone’s living room.
“After I was arrested, Social Services ripped my eight-year-old Gina from my arms as I tried to hug her one last time. I still see her but from a distance. She’s grown now and has a family of her own.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “Don’t be like me. Treasure your child and your health.”
Jessie’s words struck me like a thunderbolt. Something inside of me changed – something decisive and permanent – inspiring me to start putting myself first, so I had something worthwhile to give to those I loved and who depended on me.
Chapter 30
It had been two months since Daniel was born. I was looking forward to finally bringing him home. The nurses were surprised at how well he did putting on weight, but there were a couple of terrifying episodes where he suffered from apnea.
When that day did come, it was perfect. But nothing perfect lasts forever. Within days, I started feeling overwhelmed. Some moments I did not want to be bothered with the baby. My crying jags became incessant, and all I wanted to do was sleep.
“You have postpartum depression,” Dr. Tellis said. “Some women experience it, and some don’t. It could become serious if not treated. I’m going to suggest that you have someone help you with your son. Get out more, rejuvenate and come back in the evening and be the doting mom that you are.”
I took his suggestion and hired Theresa, a sweet middle-aged woman, to be Daniel’s nanny. Her ability to remain composed no matter what Daniel did help me to feel better about my decision.
When Marc was not on business trips, he would spend time with Daniel, but he was gone from our lives far more than he was present.
“He’s going to be a baseball player,” Marc said, one afternoon.
“If you’re around enough, maybe you’ll be able to teach him how to play.”
“I’ll see what I can do. You know how much I want to make partner.”
Somehow, I had pictured myself having the perfect husband and perfect baby. Was I delusional? Did a perfect family even exist? Everything seemed scattered; no puzzle pieces fit in place.
One night after Marc put Daniel down for bed he came to me while I sat in the kitchen. He was decked out in his dark blue three-piece business suit. My eyes drank him in. If only he weren’t so damn sexy.
He wore a serious expression; I wondered what he had to tell me now. As he reached into his top pocket, curiosity gripped me.
Marc pulled out a cherry colored ring box and pushed it across the table toward me. “I want you to marry me.”
I blinked and opened the box, revealing a white gold engagement ring. “Why are you proposing now?”
“Because, it’s what’s best for Daniel. He needs both parents to be together.”
“I’m not looking for a marriage proposal fueled by obligation. When I do marry, I want it to be for keeps.” I slid the ring back to him. “I can’t accept.”
“Of course you can. And you will.” Marc pocketed the box. “I’ll give you time to reconsider.”
He did an abo
ut face and disappeared.
Despite Marc’s marriage proposal, which felt more like a business deal, I made the decision to move on.
My relationship with my son had blossomed, and my self-confidence about being a mom had grown. I was able to have something that I treasured outside of work.
As for Olivia, she came and went as she pleased. She kept up with the provisions of her parole and even found a job working at a group home as a dishwasher. “I’ll pay you what I can for rent,” she said.
“Don’t worry about it. Pay your fine. Although, I think it’s time for you to find another place to live.”
“I understand.”
Shortly after our conversation, we went our separate ways. I felt a release, believing there was nothing else binding me to Olivia.
Not long after that conversation, Bruce showed up on my doorstep. He looked a lot less scary in the daylight, but his demeanor alarmed me.
“What can I do for you?” I asked.
He dug into his pocket, producing a crinkled piece of paper. “Dana feels it’s time that you learned the whole truth.” He handed the paper to me.
I opened it and read the note.
“This is her handwriting. Why—?”
To make sure I didn’t misunderstand, I reread it.
“Dear Journal,
When I hold the gun in my hand, I’m in control of my destiny and he can no longer hurt me. I want to see the fear in his eyes that once existed in mine. He’s a monster, and like all monsters, he must be deleted from my memory so that I can breathe again. The day Reginald will die will be on the same day my innocence died. My birthday.”
“Does Olivia know that you’re here this time?”
“Nope.”
“And is this what you took from her room?”
“Yep.”
“Why bring this to me now? There has to be more to it then Dana sending you here.”
Bruce looked down at his feet. “She pissed me off. She shouldn’t be walking around free after what she’d done. She needs to be back in a ward. Olivia doesn’t want to face reality. Plus, she played me when she asked me to get that gun for her.”
“Why did you get her one?”
“Because I loved her. Olivia told me her brother was still trying to get with her.”
“Get with her?”
“You know, attack her. Molest her.”
I scooted down in my swing and exhaled.
“Olivia said if I found her a gun she would feel better knowing she and Oliana were protected from that sicko. She was afraid one day – soon – he would try and hurt her daughter.”
“So, Linda and Reginald were fully aware of Oliana’s existence.”
“Yep.”
I shuddered.
“Don’t get me wrong. I still care for Olivia, but she used me, as you can see by that note. She used you too, by the looks of things. She should be in jail. If not there, she needs to be locked up somewhere. I know it. Dana knows it. And Olivia knows it.”
“What about Oliana?”
Bruce shrugged. “I can’t afford to take care of her anymore. Dana wants me to get Social Services involved. Olivia claims she has things handled on her end. Only problem with that is, lately, half the things that come out of her mouth don’t make sense.”
I didn’t know what he meant by that. My confusion must have shown because he tried to explain.
“Like, the other day she went on about making things right. When I asked her the hell she meant, she shut down. Her face had this weird look, and a few seconds later, she was smiling. It was...”
“Creepy.”
Bruce nodded.
“Thank you for trusting me with this information,” I said. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Bruce fled away on his bike. I believed his story. In my hand, I held my answers. There was only one thing left to do, and that was up to Olivia.
Chapter 31
Not long after Bruce left, Daniel woke up from his nap wanting a bottle. I quickly warmed one up and changed his diaper. Like a sweet little angel, he ate and went back to sleep.
Norman replied to my voicemail with a text saying that he’d be over as soon as he could.
“Where is she?” he said, when he arrived.
“On her way home from work.”
“That’s it. I’m fit to be tied darlin’. We’re done protecting her, and we’re done pretending what she did was okay.”
“You’re right, but we need to be calm about this. We don’t want her to feel like we’re against her.”
Just as I finished my sentence, Olivia came in the door, smiling. “Why would I feel like you’re against me?” she asked, popping her gum.
Norman thrust the piece of paper at her. “It’s time you fess up.”
“Where did you get this?”
“You planned the whole thing,” I said.
“Of course.”
“I wasn’t your only pawn. There’s Dana and Bruce and Norman. We love you. We protected you. And you played with our lives.”
“Dammit, Traci. I didn’t plan on you getting involved.”
“Oh, yes you did. I was in your plan from the very beginning. The minute you asked me to hide the gun, your plans went into effect.”
“You can’t possibly understand what it was like for me. I was tortured, emotionally and physically. My mental battles were nothing but a solution for my mother. Shipping me off to one psychiatric hospital after another was a way for her to not deal with our dirty family secret.
“A little too convenient, right? Better to have a child with some mental problem than admit that her son raped me. At eighteen, I no longer had control of the situation. I begin to feel hopeless. My mother didn’t want me, my entire body was tainted, and I had this little girl that I feared would be in Reginald’s grasp one day. There was no way, as long as I had breath, I would let that happen.”
My heart ached for her, but that didn’t excuse her actions. “I’m so sorry for your pain, Olivia,” I said, “but you need help.”
“Let us get you the help you need,” said Norman. “I’ll help get you into the best hospital.”
Olivia shook her head vehemently. “Please don’t make me go back.”
“Then I’m going to turn us all in,” Norman said.
“That’s not fair. I’m getting better. He’s not around anymore. I was only trying to protect my daughter.”
I limped over to her and opened my arms. “Come here.”
She clung to me, bawling like a child. “I’m so sorry, Traci.”
“I know you are,” I said.
“We love you, Olivia,” said Norman.
“I love you guys too.”
I stroked her hair, smoothing it over her thin, shaking shoulders. “Look at this from our perspective. You got a gun, and you invited Reginald to the party. You orchestrated the killing of your brother. No matter what excuse you give, even if it’s a good one, to anybody else that’s premeditated murder.”
“Traci and I will be by your side through the entire process,” Norman said. “We will visit you and make sure that you are getting the treatment that you need.”
“We won’t abandon you,” I said.
I searched her eyes for a response. All the life had drained out of them. All I could see was darkness.
“You promise?” she whimpered.
“We promise.”
After an eternity, she nodded.
Norman embraced us both, holding us close to his heart. “It’s going to be fine. We’ll get through this.”
I watched Olivia’s entire being deflate like a kid’s popped balloon. She suddenly seemed eons older than I. Easing out of our arms, she went into her room and closed the door.
“Norman?”
He put his hand up. “We did the right thing this time.”
Daniel let out a cry and I went to check on him. I scooped him up out of his bassinet and cuddled with him on my bed. After he went back to sleep, I snuck my arm out from und
er him and went to check on Olivia. She was gone.
I found Norman rooting through his briefcase.
“Norman, where’s Olivia?”
“Said she went to visit her daughter.”
I checked emails and shopped online stores for baby clothes.
“Hey, I love you,” he said.
“Don’t you think it’s too soon?”
“I’ll never pressure you into something you don’t want. If it makes you uncomfortable, just let me know.”
Happiness flowed through me. “I love you too.”
Norman smiled and went back to work.
Hours passed and still no Olivia. Unable to sit and do nothing another minute longer, the nosey part of me took hold, leading me with its imaginary string until I was in front of her bedroom door.
Norman said, “You’re not her mother. You have no right going through her private property.”
“I’m just going to look.”
Olivia’s room was in its usual state of mess, except her bed where the guitar. Between the strings was a folded note. I snatched it up and opened it.
At first, my eyes couldn’t keep up. I had to start over from the beginning to get my brain to follow what I was reading:
Dear Journal,
In all the tragedy, you gave me a miracle.
There was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her safe
And time’s cruel hands have swept away -
My innocence is more than you’ve ever dreamed.
My innocence takes on life and other means.
No, it’s not for you to decide how much to make me cry
I know it’s a game to you, but it caused me so much pain.
And so today I pay
For my head and heart,
The time has come. I can wait no longer
Or my miracle will endure more hate.
And I wonder if I’ll ever be loved
Oh, I wonder if I've ever been...
I rushed back out.
“Norman! What did we do? We’ve got to stop Olivia,” I cried.
“What is it?” He took the letter and examined it.
Burned Bridges: Oliana Mercer Series Prequel (Crossing Series) Page 13