by Jeff Rivera
I am feeling a lot better now. I’m still gaining weight but I’ve actually been outside. Angel took me out to a park and I needed it so bad. I felt so free. He even talked to my mom who’s been a total worry wart and told her how important it is for me to get out and start living a normal life again. Somebody needed to talk to her. Thank God he did.
So I went to the park and I just sat by the pond and I didn’t care about all the annoying gnats and things. I just breathed in the air and I felt the sunshine on me and it was just magical. I felt alive again. Angel even talked me into playing a little bit of guitar.
Music I need music it’s like air to me. It like replenishes my soul when I sing. It’s like God’s gift to me. That’s what I keep thinking of it as, Angel says, “God’s gift and I have to give it back to the world.”
Next week I’m going to start going to school again. It’s going to be so weird. I know people are going talk about me behind my back but I don’t care anymore. I’m just going to focus on my school work and come right home and I’m not going to get caught up in all that popularity crap. I am so over that.
Oh and I just wanted to let you know that Daniel’s doing really well. He comes to our house just about every day after school and my mom makes him sit down and do his tarea. He’s actually been getting A’s Dio. Lots of them. You’d be so proud. And he’s proud I can tell. He even acts all mamon when Desiree doesn’t do well and says “No estupido you should do it this way or that way.” You know it’s really cute to see them together. They’re actually best friends. Just like me and you were back when we were in junior high. It’s almost like deja vu.
And I know you don’t really want to talk about your mother but let me just say that Daniel says she’s been really good. She hasn’t been tomando at all and she came over the house the other day. She was a little shy and embarrassed. It was the first time she and my mom had spoken since everything happened. And she looked so much better Dio. She’s really coming along.
I’m not going to nag you. It’s just I don’t understand why you can’t forgive her. Perdonale. She’s trying to change. And I can see it in her eyes Dio. She misses you and she feels hurt that you won’t have anything to do with her. It hurt me to hear that you actually threw her letter away that she wrote you. You should give her another chance. She really loves you. Just think about it. OK?
So anyway, tell me about camp. What do you do all day anyway?
Love,
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Damn girl. Took you forever to write back. Hey before I forget, Happy Birthday, I know your birthday’s coming up soon. I can’t exactly go out and buy you anything while I’m here but just know that I’m there with you in spirit. And no problem about the cheering you up. That’s what I’m hear for, right?
Daniel’s getting A’s? You’ve got to be joking. I just want him to grow up and do much better than I did. He’s real listo. I think he’s smarter than me and he doesn’t have to worry about some learning disability or nothing. That’s what they say I have, A.D.D. But Daniel could be like a doctor or a lawyer or something big like that. Maybe even a corporate executive, who knows? The sky’s the limit for that foo’.
Glad your going to school again. It’s your senior year right? So you’ll probably be graduating about the same time as me from boot camp.
I wish you would drop the whole subject about my mom. I’m tired of talking about it and I made up my mind already. She should have thought about that shit before she pulled it. What kind of mother tells you from the time you’re a chavalillo that you’re a loser that you’ll never be nothing but a bum on the street when you’re only 13? What kind of mom beats up on you and slaps the shit out of you and knows you can’t do nothing about it to fight back. I’ll tell you, if she were a dude I would have kicked her ass a long time ago.
Louise says I’ve got a lot of anger in me. No shit. Tengo razones. But every time I get encabronado about something I’m learning to just work it out. You know. I let off the steam whenever they make us do burpies and shit. You know what Jennifer? I can do 100 pushups without stopping. Not girl pushups either. When I got here I could do like 2. But Sr. Jackson just pushes us and there were times when I thought there was no way in hell I could do any more but he always says, “90% mental, 10% physical.” I think it’s true. I think there’s lots of stuff people think they can’t do and they can’t only cause they think they can’t.
I’m learning a lot here. You’d be proud of me. I’m working hard. And I don’t want to sound like I love this place or anything. I’ll be the first mutha fucka out the door when I graduate, believe me. But I’m just saying some of the people out here aren’t as bad as I thought they were at first.
Only person who hasn’t changed is Grossaint. He’s this Nazi motherfucker. He’s nuts. I mean I really think he might be crazy.
Louise says that everything happens for the greater good. Do you think that’s true? Looking back, maybe it is true. I like who I’m becoming Jennifer. Me caigo bien. And now I see like there are a lot of different opportunities out there for me if I work really hard.
See here’s how it works. Everyone starts out all wearing black, see? They just moved us up to stripes, last level is white. That means we’re about ready to graduate.
Even Simon’s changing. You ought to see him now. He got swoll. They ain’t big muscles like mine or anything but at least he’s got a little meat on his bones. He’s like a little me. Doesn’t put up with shit. I told him from the beginning, “They fuck with you, you gotta fuck ’em worse.” It’s true and he took it to heart.
I miss you baby.
Love,
Dio
PS: Who’s this Angel dude you keep talking about? These foo’s keep clownin’ me saying he’s your new sancho. But he’s gay isn’t he? I mean with a name like Angel? I told these babosos they’re stupid. Besides I know you wouldn’t do me like that. You know we’re together forever. Just like you said, “True love lasts forever.” Right?
Things were going really well for him that day. In fact, they had gone well for him most of the week. He was being given more and more responsibility and was even doing really well in school. Dio figured they were only about a couple of months away from the last level of boot camp, and he couldn’t wait. Every day he was getting closer and closer to getting out, and he was really starting to take a good look at his life. He was thinking about some of the decisions he had made in the past. The things he was learning kept echoing in his mind over and over again.
Jackson never put up with any excuses, not from him, not from anybody. Dio knew he could no longer make any excuses for his decisions. He knew that just because he had grown up in a bad part of town, with a shitty mom and a terrible school system, it was no excuse for not picking himself up by his own bootstraps and making the best of it.
Jackson was proud of him; that was obvious. Oh, sure, he tried to hide it. He’d never been the type of guy to lavish compliments on people or to really show any type of affection, but Dio couldn’t help but see through all that. He could see the twinkle in Jackson’s eyes when Dio did well on the obstacle courses or when he led the squad in assignments. He could see the small smile he tried to hide whenever he heard Dio repeating something that he had taught him. Dio knew that he couldn’t be more proud.
Jackson strolled through the grounds that day like he did every day around the same time to check on the different squads. The last level of squad, or what was left of them, were doing well, and he only hoped they’d continue on the right path once they got out. One thing he hated to think about was doing all this work he went through shaping these young men into something special, and then having all that work go to waste. He passed through the hooches, peered in at Dio’s squad in the laundry room, then walked around the corner and found him—Grossaint.
At first he didn’t think anything of it. Grossaint was just by the garbage with a couple of his trainee buddies and looked like he was just dumping
trash. But then he heard that distinct sound, that sound Jackson knew only in memories, that sniffling, sucking-up-tears sound that guys made when they didn’t want anyone to know they had been crying. Jackson squinted and zeroed in on his target. He marched toward Grossaint, who immediately stood at attention.
“Sir, by your leave, sir.”
“No. Stay put.”
Jackson examined him; his eyes were still puffy, his nose still running.
“What’s wrong with you, Grossaint?”
“Sir, nothing, sir.”
“Tell me.”
“Sir, it’s no big deal. It’s just . . . Trainee Grossaint doesn’t want to say, sir. He doesn’t want to get him in trouble, sir,” Grossaint said, hoping the onion he held tightly in his hand wouldn’t be noticed. “He’s Trainee Grossaint’s friend.”
Jackson moved into Grossaint’s face and barked at him. “Don’t want to get who in trouble? Tell me, Grossaint.”
Dio smiled as he saw Jackson approach. He knew he’d be proud of all the work they had gotten done that day, and maybe he’d even let them off early.
Dio’s body was sore. He’d been lifting bags and bags of laundry all day with Simon and the rest of the squad. And he’d welcome an early break. But then Dio’s smile faded. Jackson was moving like a locomotive and he had Grossaint by the neck, leading him toward Dio. They were followed by two junior officers. Something was wrong, very wrong.
They halted in front of Dio.
“Sir, Trainee Rodríguez requests permission to—”
“Shut up, Radigez,” he commanded. “Show me where it is, Grossaint.”
He released Grossaint and went directly behind Dio, to where a giant washer was. He started pulling the washer back.
What is going on? Dio wondered.
And then he saw. There it was, clear as day, a giant hole in the wall directly behind the washer. Not the small hole that he had punched through, but instead a hole big enough to crawl out of, leading directly out of the gates that locked them in. His mouth dropped. And he knew exactly what it looked like.
“Sir, I—”
“Did you do this, Radigez? Did you?”
“Sir, Trainee Rodríguez . . . yes, but no, not—”
Simon tried to step up in front of Dio. “Sir, it wasn’t his—”
“Shut up, Simon. Radigez, did you do this, or not?”
“Sir, no, sir. Not like that, sir.”
Jackson stepped in front of Dio, nose to nose, and said in a low voice, “Now, I’m going to ask you again, did you do that?”
“Sir, I . . . I . . . sir, no, sir,” Dio stuttered.
“Sir, yes he did, sir,” Grossaint answered. “I saw him.”
“Sir, so did Trainee Franklin, sir,” Franklin added. One by one they all said, “Sir, so did I, sir.”
Dio felt like his world was closing in on him.
“What’s the tenth general rule, Radigez?”
“Sir, I had nothing to do with—”
“Shut up, Radigez. I don’t talk to liars. Take him away.”
The junior officers grabbed Dio and yanked him away.
“Sir, it wasn’t me, sir! It wasn’t me, sir!”
Jackson just shook his head in disbelief. “You give ’em an inch . . .” is all he said.
Dio’s eyes met Simon’s. He looked like a little lost puppy, with Grossaint and his boys circling him like vultures, ready to devour their prey.
As if a week in the hole weren’t bad enough, what made it even worse was that when Dio did get out, they stripped him of his striped outfit and put him back in the dark clothes, the first level.
They took away most of his personal possessions and moved him into a tent with a beginner squad. Everyone stared at him. They knew what had happened.
And he’d come so close to graduating . . .
Dio didn’t know how he’d be able to make it through everything all over again. He was no longer the leader of a group. He felt like sludge, like slop for pigs. He didn’t feel like he was standing out anymore. He felt like he was barely alive. His eyes burned with the thought that he wouldn’t be able to see Jennifer any time in the near future.
It was a hot summer day, burning outside, but Dio shivered. He felt cold inside, cold and alone, as he cradled himself in his bunk and sobbed. At first he sobbed as quietly as he could, but then he couldn’t help himself; tears came out uncontrollably and so did his sobs.
He tried to ignore all the “Shut up!” comments from the new trainees. He felt powerless. He couldn’t help it. He wished Jennifer were there; this time he wanted for her to hold him. He longed to hear her voice again, to see her, for her to encourage him and tell him that everything would be all right and that he’d make it through this.
He knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, but he couldn’t help but feel like a total failure. What kept haunting his mind was that somehow he wasn’t being a good example for his brother, that even his brother would be ashamed of him. He had so many plans, so many things he wanted to do as soon as he got out, but now . . .
Dio worried about Simon. He wondered how Simon was ever going to be able to make it without him around, and he knew Grossaint would take advantage of the situation. Dio wouldn’t be there to protect him. They would no doubt pick on him, tear him apart until he was completely defenseless, and they’d find joy in every moment of it.
He could feel the self-doubt coming over him like a dense fog, like poisonous black exhaust from an old pickup truck. Maybe they were right. Maybe he’d always be a loser. Maybe all his big dreams and plans would never come to pass. Maybe he’d never amount to anything.
To top it all off, it had been weeks since he had heard from Jennifer. He wondered what was so important that kept her from writing him back for so long. Didn’t she know that he needed her? He resisted the urge to write her again. He didn’t want to come across as desperate, but desperate was exactly how he felt. A letter from her was just the welcome mat he needed.
Didn’t she remember all that he had done for her?
After Jennifer came to him with that black eye, he couldn’t contain himself. He did stay with her that night, but the next day, after Spooky heard what happened, he riled Dio up, and before he knew it, his whole crew was tracking Wiggie down.
Wham! Dio slammed Wiggie against the restaurant window and started pounding him. He was a skinny, peckerwood white guy in his forties, with brown hair and now with a bloody mouth and nose.
His stooges—whom Dio called Acne, a guy in his twenties covered with acne scars, and Dirty Blond, who looked like the worst kind of fat trailer trash—had their hands busy fighting off Spooky and Dio’s homies.
Dio cocked his cohete in Wiggie’s face. “You ever lay another hand on her and I’ll kill ya. Ya hear?”
He shoved the gun in his temple again. “I said ya hear, fucking puto?”
“Yeah,” he answered, with hate in his eyes. “Who your girl?”
“Jennifer, stupid.”
“You mean Sunshine, that Latina cunt?”
Dio came at him again. “What the fuck did you say?”
Spooky spotted patrol cars approaching. “Dio, let’s go.”
But it was too late; Spooky and his boys had taken off, but the cops caught up to Dio. Even Acne, Wiggie, and Dirty Blond got away. Otherwise Dio would have finished them off. He knew his mom was going to be pissed; she had warned him that if he fucked up again she’d kick him out of the house. But she’d do the same thing if she were in the same situation. Wouldn’t she? He knew it wasn’t the wisest decision, but nobody hurt his lady, nobody.
They didn’t even let Dio work in the kitchen anymore. He hoped that someone told Louise what had happened so that she didn’t think he just didn’t show up. He wondered what she’d think and if she’d believe him when he told her he had nothing to do with the hole in the wall. He knew he was lucky, in a way, because anyone accused of trying to escape could have easily been sentenced to serve the rest of his term in real prison.
But just the thought of starting all over again—Dio hated it.
Three days passed before Dio was able to see Louise. She’d been off for that long anyway, and still looked like she was suffering from a cold by the time he saw her serving chow. She motioned for him to go to the back of the kitchen and Dio slipped away, knowing he’d only have five minutes at the most before someone would notice he was gone.
“What happened?” she asked with urgency. “Did you do it? I told you to keep your nose clean.”
“I didn’t do nothing,” Dio said. “You got to believe me.”
“I know,” she said softly.
“He set me up for this, I know.”
“Who?”
“Grossaint.”
“How do you know?”
“Who else would do this? I swear to God, I’m going to get him. I’m going to beat his—”
“Listen to me,” she said, checking to see if anyone was listening. “That’s the kind of attitude that got you into this place and it’s the kind of attitude that will get you in prison if you keep it up.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Walk away from it.”
“You crazy? You don’t know what it’s like. I’ve been putting up with these fucking peckerwoods my whole life. They’re always stabbing you in the back.”
“Not all white people are like that, Dio.”
“Yeah? Yeah? Do you know what it’s like every time you walk down the street to have people in every car that pulls up next to you lock their doors? You know what it’s like to have people ask you if you speak English just ’cause you’re brown? You know what it’s like to be pulled up to some strange man’s house with your friends and . . .”
Dio fought the tears.
“And what, Dio?”
“We were just using the pay phone outside, me and my homies Spider, Bullet, and Trix. We all grew up together, knew each other since we was like five. We were just outside of Spooky’s girl’s apartment, minding our business. And some fucking big white guy grabbed us all by the neck and forced us into his apartment. We didn’t know what to do. We were only thirteen years old and we were scared to death. Come to find out, he was the manager of the apartment, and someone called saying four Mexicans were checking people’s doors to see if they were open. He assumed it was us; called the cops and everything. They smacked us around, called us fucking spics, used their fucking sticks on us and everything, ’cause they said we were mouthing off. But we didn’t do nothing, Louise, nothing. We were just using the phone, didn’t say anything to anyone. But who would have believed us, four Mexicans dressed like thugs. That kind of shit happened to me every day.”