by Jeff Rivera
“There are no excuses in the world, Mom. You blame everyone but yourself. You did this. You made your life that way. Nobody else.”
“I know. I know that, mijo.”
“I told you, don’t call me that. I’m not your son. You think you had it hard. How do you think I felt growing up with a drunk? How do you think I felt being beat up all the time?”
“I’m sorry about that. You know I’m sorry about that. I’ve said I’m sorry.”
“You gave me up when I was thirteen,” Dio said. “You abandoned me. You let me go from house to house, from foster home to foster home. Daniel even forgot who I was by the time I came back. You could have bailed me out before I came here. You knew I was innocent, but you let them take me away.”
“I didn’t. I didn’t know . . . you were innocent. I said I’m sorry. I’ve said it a thousand times. You’ve kicked me while I’m down. Now, what else do you want me to do? I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry!”
“Well, I don’t believe you,” Dio answered back.
She was trembling by now. She got up to leave, turned to say something, but could only point her finger at him.
“Que descanse en paz, what would your father think? You . . . you . . . sometimes I wish I never had you.”
His eyes started to sting. He wasn’t going to cry, wasn’t going to give her the pleasure. He watched her walk away, fading out of the room, a hurt soul. He knew he’d hurt her badly; he’d gotten her back for the pain she had caused, but somehow it didn’t do anything for him. It didn’t give him the pleasure he thought it might.
Thinking back on it, he wished he’d never said those things. He only wanted to let her know how he felt, but it hadn’t come out the way he had wanted. He wiped his tears before anyone saw them.
Chapter Six
IT HAD BEEN A WHOLE MONTH. HIS BIRTHDAY CAME AND went, but still no word from Jennifer. Every day had been a living hell for Dio. He was doing all the chores and things that the beginning squad had to do. He was still going to school; that was the only time he ever saw his old squad in passing. But Jackson never let him talk to them. Dio felt awful. He knew he was innocent. He never would have been so stupid as to try to escape, but still, somehow he felt like he had let Jackson down. He missed things the way they used to be. He and Jackson were starting to really bond. He was even starting to like Jackson, surprisingly enough, but now he felt every time he was around him, Jackson wanted nothing to do with him. Jackson kept his distance. He was cold, with no feeling in his voice. He acted like Dio was just prisoner number 28310, and that was it.
But Dio’s mind was racing. He had nothing else to do but think about Jennifer, no friends to talk to anymore, so his whole world revolved around thinking about her. His imagination tossed and turned with ideas about her and Angel together. He felt her distance and something told him that she wasn’t telling him everything that was going on there. He didn’t understand how someone could be that cold, how someone he shared such a special connection with could just not contact him. He was tired of hearing Louise tell him to give her the benefit of the doubt, because he had done that already, time and time again. Something was going on, something she didn’t want him to know about, something she wasn’t telling him.
Dear Jennifer,
Why’s it taking you so long to write me back? And what did you mean in your last letter calling me your “friend”? You act like we’re not going out anymore or something.
I don’t like the idea of you spending so much time with this joto Angel. And you didn’t answer my question. He is a joto. Isn’t he? I just don’t like it. Don’t you have any of your homegirls to hang out with instead?
You shouldn’t take that long to write back. How long does it take to drop a letter. No more than a hour. That’s it. That’s how long it takes me and that’s including stuffing it in the envelope and dropping it off in the mail box, and I know it’s a lot easier for you than me.
Damn girl, you need to stop thinking about yourself. I told you how important your letters are to me. You don’t know how hard it is here. You know I love you. I need you baby and I need you by my side.
I’m sorry if I sound pissed it’s just all the homeboys think you’re going out with that Angel guy and it’s not making me look good. I told them all these great things about you and it’s starting to make me have doubts.
I know you got all that shit going on but you can’t be that ocupada. You don’t know the meaning of busy Jennifer. We get up at 5 o’clock every morning and we’re doing a mile run, pushups, chinups, situps, burpies, and breakfast before you even crawl out of bed. Then we go work detail and cleaning and more pushups, chinups, and everything after that we do all that kind of shit until it’s like 8 o’clock on top of school and everything else and I still make time to write you. So I know you ain’t that busy.
Anyway baby, Visitor’s Day’s coming up again in a few weeks soon so please make it this time. I wish I could be there for you on Cinco De Mayo like last year. But just know I’d be there if I could. I need to see you or I’m going to go loco, ’K?
Love
Dio
“I’ve got only fifteen minutes,” Dio told Louise.
She took him into the pantry where they could talk in private.
His junior officer had asked him to carry some supplies into the kitchen and he knew he could have only a few good quality minutes with Louise before the officer would start looking for him.
“How you holding up?” she asked.
“Don’t worry about me. What’s going on with you? What happened with the soul-mate guy?”
She started rearranging things on the shelf like she always did when she got nervous.
“Well?” he insisted.
“Memories are funny things, Dio. Sometimes our imagination fills in the blanks. Things aren’t always as good as we thought they were. Anyways, my husband called again. Wants to go out on a date,” she said, rolling her eyes and trying to hide her smile.
“You’re going to get back together with that puto? You sure?”
“He’s changing. Trying to change, anyway. It’s worth a shot. Even you said God doesn’t like divorce. We’ll see how it goes.”
“He hurts you again, you just let me know,” Dio said seriously.
She laughed.
“I know, I know. Have you heard from Jennifer lately?”
“She’s still playing her games.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Dio. But maybe—”
“Maybe nothing. It takes only a few minutes to write a letter. She just doesn’t want to.”
“You really think that?”
“Yeah.”
She sat on the countertop and patted a place for Dio, too.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“How do you think I’m feeling?”
“That bad?”
He nodded. She struggled with something encouraging to say, but, not being able to think of anything, she just sat with him.
“Things will turn around,” she finally said.
“How do you know?”
“’Cause . . . ’cause if there’s one thing I know, Dio, it’s that this too shall pass. My mother once said to me that if you catch a bird and let it go, it’ll go; if it’s meant to come back to you, it will.”
“That makes a hell of a lot of sense,” Dio snapped sarcastically.
“Just give it some thought.”
But Dio didn’t even want to entertain the thought. Letting her go was out of the question. He couldn’t even fathom the thought of living his life without her. She was his everything.
“How are your grades doing?”
“All right.”
“Not that good, huh?”
“Not really.”
“Know what you need to do, Dio? You’ve got to get rid of all this anger inside you. As soon as you get back to the hooch, I want you to write a letter to Jennifer, write a letter to your mom, write a letter to anyone and pour your heart and soul into
it. I mean, I want you to just say what you’ve always wanted to say, just let it all out. That’s what I do. It works, I’m telling you. Even put it in an envelope and seal it up. I mean don’t send it or anything but you’ll be amazed how much tension that releases.”
Dio sighed; he was tired of all these psychobabble tips. He just wanted Jennifer back. Couldn’t she see that?
“Dio, concentrate on your schoolwork right now. I know it’s hard, but try. Jennifer will be there for you one way or another. You’ll see. You’ve got to be the man she’s looking for when you get out, right?”
He nodded. Her advice just went in one ear and out the other. His mind was adrift, thinking about Jennifer. He didn’t want to hear about schoolwork. He didn’t want to hear about later. He didn’t want to hear about maybe. He only wanted to hear Jennifer’s soft voice. He wanted to experience how great it felt for her to whisper in his ear, or to smell the scent of her neck and ears as he nibbled on them. He only wanted to hold her and love her, but the frustration of weeks without hearing from her was getting to him and he couldn’t understand the disrespect she was showing for him.
As soon as Dio got back to the hooch, he grabbed paper and pen. What could be the harm in trying out Louise’s advice? Why not just write it all out? Jennifer would never see it anyway. Once he started writing, he couldn’t stop. He even took the letter with him to his work detail.
Dear Jennifer,
Why you ignoring my letters? No entiendo. It’s like all this stuff I say from my heart don’t mean shit to you. What’s up with you? Why you changed? You not the sweet girl I knew.
But maybe I didn’t know you were a skank like I thought I did before. You a slut, you’ll always be a slut and I know you’re out there putiando.
You ain’t even patient. You probably had a sancho on the side when we were going out. You probably trickin’ with Wiggie again. That’s probably what’s keeping you so busy.
I don’t want your fucking pussy no more anyway. It’s all stank and you probably got some nasty disease anyway, I wouldn’t want my cock up in it anyway. It’s like a community bathroom or something. That’s what it’s like.
You just cold. You don’t treat me the way I should be treated at all. You act like all the times we been together don’t mean nothing to you at all.
I’m sorry I ever met you. I’m sorry I put my heart and soul in you. I’m sorry I’ve wasted all this time dreaming we’d ever be anymore than fuck buds. And we weren’t even that.
I can get any bitch I want to. You don’t know what you got. I could pick up any hoe on the street. Got you didn’t I? You’d do anything for 20 bills. That’s what you did. You played me. You played my feelings.
How could you treat me like that? How could you do me like that. You as cold as a snake. And you going to get what you deserve when I get out. You going to be sorry you ever played me like you did.
Te voy a dar en tu pinche madre! You a bitch. You a hoe. You a slut. I hope you die out there in the streets. I hope your moms and pops kick your ass out again.
Nobody wants a puta for a daughter and that what you is. You know it too. You talk about all these bullshit dreams. They ain’t never going to happen for you anyway unless you fuck your way to the top. And that’s probably what you’ll try to do.
But once they find out you ain’t nothing but a street hooker they’ll drop your ass like I’m going to drop your ass.
Fuck you Jennifer. Fuck you.
Dio Playboy
Dio couldn’t write fast enough. He was crouched in a corner of the main building, stealing away a few minutes to write. No one was around and even if they were he wouldn’t have noticed them.
He was so pent up inside he felt like he had to get it out. He sealed the envelope, put Jennifer’s address, even put a stamp on it. Maybe he should just mail it, let her know how he was feeling, but he couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t drop it in the mail drop. Something was stopping him. More than anything, he was scared. He was scared of losing Jennifer. He knew if he sent that letter that would be it. He’d never see her again and their years together, all those years of struggling and loving each other, would be gone and he’d never be able to take it back. He knew if he sent it, he’d regret it.
Worse yet, without Simon around, without Jennifer, he’d have no one. He’d be alone. Sure, there were his homies back in Vegas, but still nothing was the same; nothing was like losing your lady.
“What are you doing?”
Dio jumped up. His heart jumped with him as he stood at attention, Jackson in front of him.
“Ssss-sir. I . . . I was just . . .”
“Mmm-hmm. I bet. You get all your work done?”
“Sir, yes, sir!”
“You keeping your nose clean?”
“Sir, yes, sir.”
“And your grades?”
“Sir, getting better, sir.”
“Good, ’cause we don’t let no dullards graduate. What’s a dullard, trainee?”
“Sir, a dummy, sir.”
Jackson smiled. “Good . . . good.”
Dio’s eyes followed Jackson as he paced back and forth, walking around him, examining him.
“How you making out?”
“Sir, all right, sir. Trainee Rodríguez is managing.”
“And your girl?”
Dio thought about his answer for a while. He couldn’t lie to Jackson, who could always tell if he wasn’t being honest.
“ ’S okay.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Sir, yes, sir.”
“What the problem?”
“Sir, Trainee Rodríguez doesn’t really want to talk about it.”
Jackson looked him straight in the eye and gave him one of those looks that could freeze an elephant. “Come again?”
“Sir, she’s . . . guess she’s busy.”
“Hasn’t written to you lately?”
“Sir, no, sir.”
“And why do you think that is?”
Dio shrugged, but then he saw that look Jackson always gave him before he was about to cuss somebody out. “Sir, I don’t know, sir. Maybe she just don’t want . . .” His voice cracked. He caught himself again. “Don’t matter. Trainee Rodríguez don’t want her either.”
“Lies,” Jackson responded. “Don’t do nothing you’ll regret later.”
“Sir?”
“Sometimes you don’t get another chance. Trust me.”
Jackson’s CB radio went off. He answered it, then gave Dio one last look. “Keep your nose clean.”
“Sir, yes, sir.”
Dio looked at the letter he had clenched in his hands. He knew Jackson was right. He walked toward a wastepaper basket brimming over with garbage and placed the letter on top. Someone was bound to throw it away eventually anyway. He’d have to start a new letter, an honest but not so scathing one.
Dear Jennifer,
Why the hell haven’t you written me back yet? I’ve been waiting for semanas. Over a month actually. You can’t be that busy Jennifer. There’s no way in hell. You’ve got me all preocupado. I don’t know if you’re alive or dead. It’s like you don’t even care. And you don’t give me no real reason why you don’t show up for my Visitor’s Days either. Even my mom showed up.
What’s up with you? I’m trying to be nice. You know how that kind of shit gets me heated. It’s disrespectful. We’re supposed to be together. You don’t know what this does to me to be away from you.
This is not what I was supposed to write. Louise says I should give you “the benefit of the doubt” but I’m being real with you. A’ight?.
I think you ain’t being considerate for my feelings. You don’t know how you tear me apart and you got me thinking all this crazy shit inside my head like you going out with somebody else, or that something happened to you.
You ought to drop me a note, a post card or something just to let me know that you’re still alive.
I’ve been thinking about you so much, especially lately. I’v
e been thinking about our future and everything. How can we ever make it through if you don’t show no consideration? You feel me?
It ain’t right. You know? It just ain’t. I’m making all these improvements and everything. I’m cleaning up my act and it’s all for you. Don’t you see that? I got all these plans and everything. And I told Louise and even my D.I. and they all believe I can do them cause I’m doing so good here. But you have me thinking second thoughts.
You have me wondering if I even want to be with someone who treats me like this.
Don’t you care for me mija? It’s tearing me to shreds. You gotta let me know what’s up. All I think about is you all day. And you act like this is some kind of juego. Well I’ve got feelings too girl. You’re not the only one. And I love you. You know that.
So you dog me like that again and that’s going to turn on a switch I may not be able to turn off. If I find out you going out with that puto Angel or anybody else, I’m going to make you wish you never met them. Me entiendes?
Don’t do me like this. I need you. I love you. Eh?
Love you Forever,
Dio
Dio dropped the letter in the mail drop and immediately wished he hadn’t. True, it was better than the last letter, but still, it gave him a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. But what else was he supposed to do? How else was he supposed to get through to her? Yet still he couldn’t help but wonder whether he could have handled it a different way.
Simon strutted through the hall of the main building, picking up the trash like he always did. His pant leg was rolled up, just like Dio used to do. He nodded at the members of his squad just like Dio and even said, “What’s up,” just like him.
Simon’s eyes darted back and forth as he headed for the bathroom. For the first time in his life, Simon felt like somebody. He felt like people showed him some type of respect. It might not have been much, but it mattered to him.