by Daniels, J.
I laughed against my lips.
“I get him looking out for you, Jenna, but he needs to relax. Everyone takes a risk when they enter a relationship. Your heart is on the line. Or in your case, three hearts. What’s that saying, you gotta play to win?”
“I think that refers to the lottery though.”
“It refers to anything I want it to refer to,” she countered. “And I’m full of wisdom, unlike your brother today. Don’t listen to him.”
I shook my head. “I’m not. He’s talking like I’m already moving forward with Nathan. Did I blink and miss the rest of summer? Is it September already?”
God, I wish.
Sydney sat back in her chair. “He needs to let you do you and keep his mind on other things, like our wedding. Did you know my divorce is final in three weeks?”
I smiled. “I can’t wait until you’re a Savage.”
The grin that took up Sydney’s face…It didn’t matter how pissed off I’d been at my brother. He had to see this.
“Brian!” I hollered.
“What?”
“Come here and look at your girl!”
Brian moved back into the kitchen, his gaze sliding from me to Syd. I watched a smile light him up.
“What’s on your mind, Wild?”
Brian called Sydney Wild, giving her that nickname before they’d even met face-to-face.
“Just thinking about marrying you,” she responded with a cute little head tilt. “Wanna think about it with me?”
My brother answered by moving at Syd and wasting zero time doing it. I swore he crossed the room before she even got out her question.
Brian bent down and held Sydney’s face as he kissed her, and as I watched Syd get lifted into the air, her legs being guided around Brian’s waist and her arms sliding around his neck, both of them smiling at each other between kisses, I thought about how amazing it would be to one day have someone do the same to me at family dinner.
I wanted someone to watch me, to watch us—me and one person in particular. I wanted someone to think, “I want that too,” just like I was doing now.
* * *
By the time we got home that night, it was already after nine.
I got the kids put to bed after showers and a bedtime snack. When I turned off the lights and headed to my room, my phone began to ring. I stepped up to my nightstand and looked down at the device. Brian was calling me.
I wanted to ignore it. I didn’t feel like getting into another discussion, because I knew Brian wasn’t simply calling to say good night or to admit he’d overreacted. I knew the latter for certain.
My hand froze in the air an inch above the phone. Come on, Jenna. Don’t answer it.
I wanted to relax. I was tired. I had several episodes of Claws recorded, a show I always laughed at. And I needed that. I wanted to veg out and have some me time.
When was the last time I’d done that? I couldn’t remember.
The call went to voice mail when I didn’t answer. And just like that, I was immediately flooded with guilt. The weight of it covered me like a cloak. I grunted at the ceiling.
I always answered when people called me, if I had the ability to answer. Was it wrong to want to turn off my phone and keep it off for the night? Or to at least silence it? I’d never turn it off completely. What if there was an emergency? God, what if Marley got sick again…?
No, I needed to be able to receive texts for that very reason, and if I turned off my phone, I couldn’t do that.
Sometimes I missed living with my parents. I felt like I needed permission not to call Brian back and instead take some time to myself. How ridiculous was that?
I unplugged my phone from the charger and carried it into the living room.
I already had Brian’s contact information pulled up and was a second away from calling him back, but my thoughts had drifted to Marley and were staying there. I hadn’t checked on her since this morning. I wanted to make sure she was still feeling okay. And maybe get a little help from Nathan, since taking a night off seemed to be something I couldn’t do on my own.
Smiling, I collapsed onto the couch and dialed him up instead.
He answered on the second ring. “What are you doing, Shorty?” His voice was low and smooth. He was clearly smiling.
I closed my eyes and pictured it.
“Nothing,” I said, knees drawn up. “Well, I want to be doing nothing, which I’ll get to in a minute. Tell me how Marley is doing first.” I looked down at my toes, at the plum-colored polish chipping off.
Mm. Another “me” thing I could absolutely get into tonight.
“She’s good. No fever all day. I checked it every hour.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. Oh, Nathan. “You were on it.”
“Made that virus my bitch.”
My head hit the back of the couch as I chuckled, hand to my mouth.
“You laugh so fucking pretty. I love listening to you.”
I felt my face flush. “Thank you. I love laughing.”
“Now what’s this ‘you want to be doing nothing,’ shit? What’s keeping you from doing nothing?”
“Me.”
Nathan was silent for a long moment. “Okay.”
He sounded completely perplexed. As well he should. I couldn’t let myself do nothing? I was absurd.
“You see, my brother called and I didn’t pick up because I just don’t want to get roped into this long, drawn-out conversation right now. I just want to sit on my couch and watch episodes of Claws, possibly paint my nails—actually, not possibly. I really want to do that. They look bad—maybe snack a little, drink some wine…I don’t know. Whatever. I just want to do whatever I want or nothing. Maybe just sit here and stare off until I fall asleep. But I feel guilty for not answering him and I’m having difficulty not feeling that way. It’s bothering me. I’m very bothered right now, Nathan.”
“I can tell.”
“And you said to reach out to you if I ever found myself in a situation I couldn’t handle on my own…I thought maybe you could help me with this. Tell me I can avoid everyone and everything tonight, except in cases of emergencies, of course. I’d never ignore someone if they truly needed me.”
“You couldn’t. That’s not you.”
“It’s why I carry a spare phone charger with me at all times. You never know when the one might stop working, and then what if my phone dies? I can’t risk that.”
His laugh was quiet and sweet. “I am not at all surprised that you carry a backup phone charger.”
“What’s the point of having a big purse if I’m not stuffing that thing full, am I right?”
“I wouldn’t know anything about that, but yeah, sure.”
I heard movement through the phone. Quiet shuffling, the squeak of a mattress. Nathan was in bed. Yum.
“Just getting into position here,” he shared. “Hold on, okay?”
“Take your time.”
“No, Jenna.” Nathan’s tone grew harsh and demanding. “Don’t tell me to take my time. Don’t wait for me. This is something you need, right?”
“Yes.”
“So tell me to hurry the fuck up with it.”
“Uh.” What? “O-okay…” I sat up a little taller. This was odd, but what the hell? “Move your ass, Nathan. Jesus.”
“I’m just getting comfortable first.”
“Why do you need to get comfortable to help me? Why is this about you? I should be the one getting comfortable…Yes, I absolutely should. Let me do that.”
I stood from the couch and moved into the kitchen, grabbing supplies, which included an already open bottle of wine and a bag of barbecue Lay’s. Then I hurried to the bathroom to grab the little basket containing nail polish, remover, and cotton balls. With my arms full and the phone pinched between my ear and shoulder, I returned to the couch.
“Okay, I’m comfortable now,” I said, popping the cork and taking a generous swig of wine straight out of the bottle. It was sweet and bubble
d against my lips. When Nathan remained silent, I pressed him with a harsh, “I’m waiting…” I instantly regretted it. “Sorry…This is weird for me. I don’t talk like this.” I set the bottle on the coffee table and slumped against the back cushion. “I feel like I’m being mean.”
“You’re not being mean. This isn’t about me. It’s about you. Don’t ever be afraid to take what you need.”
“Okay, I won’t, but…telling you to move your ass? That’s not me, Nathan. I want you to do this for me, but I can wait five seconds while you fluff your pillow.”
“That’s not the point,” he returned quickly. “Of course you’d wait five seconds if I asked you to—that’s who you are, Jenna. You put everyone else first, no matter what. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s incredible, actually. I’ve never met anyone like you. I know you’re not the kind of person to demand I stop everything I’m doing to help you out. I know telling me to move my ass isn’t something you’d ever say unless I provoked you. That’s not who you are. And that’s okay, as long as you’re doing what you want.”
“So, that was a test…”
“If you want to look at it that way. I pushed you just now because I wanted you to see that even if you told me to move my ass, you wouldn’t be wrong saying it and you sure as hell wouldn’t need to apologize. You’re not hurting me. Does that make sense?”
“I think so.”
“I realize I’m being extreme, and I know there are ways to get what you need without cussing someone out, but if you needed to yell at me or call me out for making you wait for something you needed, you’re allowed to do that. This isn’t about me. What do you want to do right now?”
“I want to watch TV and paint my nails.” My teeth scraped along my bottom lip. “And…and I don’t want to feel bad about not answering my brother.”
“You don’t owe anyone anything,” Nathan said. “Was he calling because he’s in the middle of an emergency?”
“I don’t think so. He didn’t leave a message.”
“And if there were an emergency he probably would’ve, or he’d at least call back if it were something important, right?”
“Right.”
“So why do you feel bad right now? You’re not letting him down.”
I dropped my head back and blinked at the ceiling. I am not letting him down. I am not letting anyone down tonight.
“I guess when I look at it that way, I’m not sure why I feel bad,” I replied. A smile pulled at my mouth. “So I don’t. I don’t feel bad anymore. I’ll call him back tomorrow.”
“And what are you going to do tonight?”
“Exactly what I want to do.” I sat forward, snagging the remote and the bag of chips off the coffee table. I cued up Claws, popping a chip in my mouth. Then I pulled the basket of polish into my lap. “You’re good at this. I’m really glad I called you.”
“I’m glad I could help.”
“What about you? What do you need tonight?”
“Jenna.” Nathan sighed, laughing a little. “Jesus Christ! You can’t stop yourself, can you?”
I chewed up another chip. “What?”
“This is not about me.”
“I’m not saying I’m going to help you!” I countered, giggling. “Awfully full of yourself, aren’t we? God…”
Nathan’s chuckle was soft in my ear.
“I was just curious. What do you need, Nathan?”
“Right now?”
“Right now.”
He thought for a long moment. “Nothing.”
Chapter Sixteen
NATHAN
Four Days Later
Marley came rushing at me from the kitchen the second I stepped inside the house. “Daddy! Daddy!”
I scooped her up and tickled her. She squealed against my neck, twisting her little body in my arms, but not pushing away. She loved being tickled. “How’s my girl doing?” I asked, closing the door behind me.
“Daddy, pway?”
“What did you play today, baby?”
“Daddy, go side?”
“You went outside?”
“She’s saying slide,” Olivia said, popping her head up from behind the couch. Her braids were messy. “We went to the playground after lunch. It was epic.”
I chuckled. “Did you have fun on the slide?” I kissed Marley’s smiling cheek as she nodded, her fingers holding tight to my neck. Then I peered into the kitchen.
Jenna was standing at the counter talking on the phone. She was already smiling, but when our eyes locked, I swore it felt like I was the reason for it. The way she looked at me lately…
I wondered if it was how I looked at her.
I lifted my hand, greeting her. Then I rounded the couch and took a seat beside Olivia. I peered over at Oliver. “What’s up, O? How was Scouts?”
Oliver was reclining on the love seat in his uniform, head on one end and bare feet on the other.
“Dumb,” he mumbled, eyes glued to his DS screen.
“Really?” I thought he liked it.
“All we did was go over stuff happening at the campout. That’s it.”
I thought about last month—Oliver crying, how upset he was over this, followed by my conversation with Jenna outside on the deck. I decided not to pry any further.
“If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here, all right?”
He glanced over at me and nodded, looking like that meant something to him, hearing that from me. Then he got back to his game.
Marley knelt in my lap and grabbed the stuffed turtle beside my hip. She spoke softly to it and studied its legs sticking out of the shell.
“My mom’s date is tomorrow night,” Olivia said, keeping her voice quiet.
“Oh yeah?”
She looked up from her iPad and grinned. “Yep. And we get to have a sleepover at Uncle Brian’s house. We haven’t done that in forever.”
My smile was so fucking forced right now, but I couldn’t not smile at her. Shit, I smiled the other night when Olivia told me all about this date. She was excited about it then. As soon as I walked in the door, Olivia shared the news.
She was speaking fast and jumping around, grabbing on to me so I’d stand beside her and listen. She told me how much her mom loved dates, all kinds of dates, because all girls did, and how Jenna never got to go on them but when she did get to go on them, “You should see how happy she is, Nate, and how pretty she looks. She dresses up and does her hair all wavylike with accessories, and her makeup is so super fancy. You should see her. I can’t wait for her to go on another one! You want her to go too, right, Nate? Don’t you want her to go?”
What the hell was I supposed to say to that? Olivia was impossible to disappoint. If I made her sad by answering how I wanted to answer, I’d hate myself for it. I knew I would. So I lied, telling Olivia I wanted her mom going. That I couldn’t wait either.
You should see how happy she is, Nate.
Fuck. And this shit was happening tomorrow.
I steadied Marley when she stood on my thighs. Then I looked over at Jenna. She was still smiling, listening to whoever she was on the phone with.
Shit, was it him? That motherfucking “family friend”?
“O’ver! O’ver!” Marley squirmed out of my hold. She climbed down and hurried over to the love seat with her turtle. Then she stood next to Oliver’s shoulder and watched his screen.
I heard a rustling sound and looked beside me.
Olivia pulled that same notepad she was always bringing over out of her duffle. She shoved her iPad away, dropping her bag on the floor. Then she clicked a pen open and steadied it on a blank page, eyes finding mine and mouth opening, readying to fire a million questions at me.
She did this a lot. And I never had any issues answering her. Olivia’s questions were harmless. It was more about my opinion on things, not anything personal. The questions were typically random too, jumping from topic to topic. Although, I had a pretty good idea what the theme was going to be tonig
ht.
“Do you like going out on dates, Nate?”
I threw my arm behind her and rested it on the back of the couch. “Sure. Who doesn’t like dates?”
“What kind of dates do you like?”
“Dinner. Maybe a movie. It depends.”
She nodded thoughtfully and scribbled down her notes.
I kept my eyes from straining to the page. I figured if Olivia wanted me knowing what all she wrote down about me, she’d eventually share it.
“Depends on what the girl wants, right?” she asked. “My uncle Brian says boys should always do whatever the girl wants to do, even if they don’t like it.”
“That’s true, they should.” When she looked up at me, I asked, “What about your mom? What kind of dates does she like?” Might as well use this Q&A to my advantage. I could always store this information for later.
Olivia’s eyes lit up. She pushed her glasses up her nose. “Oh, like, all kinds. She loves going out to dinner. But she doesn’t like going to the movies.”
“No?”
“No. She thinks they’re gross. Everyone puts their heads on the seats and they might have lice. You could catch it.”
I snorted. “Well, I think the risk of that happening is pretty slim.”
“It happened to Oliver.” Olivia nodded slowly when my eyes flickered wider. “We were six. Mom swears he got it from the movie theater. We had to wash everything. And she made us all put that special shampoo on our heads, not just Oliver. I had to do it too.” She glanced down at the page. “Did you ever get lice when you were a little kid?”
“No.” I gestured at the notepad as she scribbled my answer. “I don’t currently have it either, if you’d like to make a note of that as well.”
“I’m just going to put no, if that’s okay.”
“I guess that’s fine.”
“I think it is.” Olivia finished writing and peered up at me. “Um, my mom…” She paused, thinking over her next words. Then she scooted closer on the cushion until she was pressed up against me. Her voice softened to a whisper. “My mom said Marley’s mom died. So…who do you go out on dates with now?”