Down Too Deep

by Daniels, J.

  I was the factor.

  “Thank you for taking care of her while I was on the phone. I think I forgot to thank you for that,” he said.

  “Of course. No thanks needed.”

  I walked around him to grab my phone and keys and followed Nathan to the door, but I ended up leading him down the hallway and stairs when he stepped back, urging me to go ahead. We were silent as we walked. We’d said so much to each other minutes ago, and now I felt like I couldn’t speak.

  The girls were still playing dominoes at the table when we got to the kitchen, giving no indication of either one of them hearing any parts of the conversation Nathan and I just had.

  “Nate!” Olivia jumped out of her chair. “Check out this pattern. Isn’t it cool?”

  Nathan unbuckled Marley and pulled her into his arms. “Yeah, it is. Good job.”

  “Wanna build with us?”

  I guided Olivia away from the table. “Go pack up your things, please. We need to go.”

  Her face fell. “But we’re playing…”

  “We need to be home before your brother gets there.”

  Thank God for that. I knew Olivia would prolong this goodbye if I didn’t give her a reason to hurry.

  “Fine.” My daughter dropped her head back and sighed, pouting into the family room and stepping in front of the couch. She packed up her duffle.

  Like he always did, Nathan walked us to the door. I hit the button on the key fob once I stepped out onto the porch, unlocking the car for Olivia.

  “Bye, guys!” she hollered, sprinting across the yard, her duffle bouncing against her hip.

  I faced Nathan when he stepped outside and considered what I wanted to say to him. I still felt caught in this weird state of shock. I replayed our conversation, obsessing over it as words stuck to my tongue. Why was it suddenly so difficult to talk to the one person I never had any difficulty speaking to?

  “You don’t need to keep Marley for me on Saturday,” Nathan said, saving us from the awkward silence we were being swallowed up in. “I’m going to take off work for a few days. Maybe more, I don’t know. I just need some time with her.”

  I nodded tightly. “Sure. Of course.”

  I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. I wanted to help him. Not just in terms of watching Marley. I wanted to help him through this. Despite how things transpired tonight.

  “Nathan, I know tonight was…difficult and didn’t…I mean, I know it didn’t help, but you can always talk to me.”

  He tilted his head. I didn’t know if he was about to turn down my offer or ask me to stop talking altogether at this point, but I kept going. I had to get this out.

  “You can talk to me about anything. I just need you to know that, okay? I don’t want you thinking you need to go through this alone, or anything alone. I’m here. I’ll always be here. What I said upstairs—I didn’t mean that. I would never mean that. Ever. I—I…” My voice broke. “I’m so, so sorry. I hate that I said that to you.”

  Tears pricked at my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks. I couldn’t help my emotions. I felt raw and exposed, like I’d been split open. That conversation had kicked the shit out of me.

  Nathan didn’t contest what I was saying. He didn’t speak at all. He stepped in, wrapped his free arm around my shoulders, and pulled me against his chest. His breath pushed through my hair.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  His arm tightened around me.

  I molded to him, gripping his shirt and back. I’d never hugged him so tight, and I wanted to stretch this out, but he wanted me to go. When I anticipated the end of our embrace and tried to pull back, Nathan shocked me by holding on, prolonging our hug.

  I clung to him before. I could’ve sworn he was the one doing it now.

  “Nathan.” I peered up at his jaw. “I can stay. I don’t have to go yet.” I held my breath. Please ask me to stay.

  He shook his head and let his arm drop. “I’ll call you.”

  “Okay.” My heart took another hit.

  Stepping back, I regarded him. I felt like I was suddenly wearing a mask, hiding my disappointment and the hurt filling me. It took everything inside of me to pretend I was okay with leaving, when in reality I felt the furthest from it.

  “Jenna, wook. See?” Marley held out her hand, showing off her nails.

  It was hard to believe that was how today had started—Shay taking the girls to get manicures. The hours with Nathan I had that followed and everything we’d shared. How loved I’d felt and how in love with him I’d fallen.

  Our day together felt like a lifetime ago.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  NATHAN

  I stood on the porch until Jenna’s car disappeared. Then I carried Marley inside and fought every urge I had to pull the phone from my pocket and call Jenna to come back.

  But I couldn’t. It was bad enough forgetting the anniversary of my wife’s death, but having Jenna know I’d forgotten? Having her be the one to remind me? I’d never felt shame like this, and I’d felt it on an unbelievable level when it came to Sadie.

  I didn’t want to see anyone tonight. I didn’t want to speak to anyone either. My parents had offered to come over when I returned my dad’s call earlier. Davis had as well. I’d declined everyone.

  The only person I could be around right now was Marley. I carried her upstairs and sat with her in the rocker, reading story after story until she pulled me to the floor. Marley collected toys and dropped them in my lap. She smiled and giggled as we played.

  For a moment, I think we both forgot how badly I continued to let her down.

  That night, I barely slept. I sat in Marley’s room long after she’d fallen asleep. I didn’t want to leave her. And I didn’t want to close my eyes anyway. I was certain of the dream I would have, but when I drifted off, seated in the rocker, it was Marley I dreamed about.

  I saw my daughter years from now. Older and able to understand what today was. I pictured her grief and the overwhelming anger she would feel. I watched her grow up and go through it alone, because in this nightmare I continued to forget.

  Fear became my motivation. I stirred awake at four in the morning and lifted Marley out of her crib. I spoke promises to her as she slept. I told her how sorry I was for not making today about her and shared memories of Sadie as the sun came up.

  Marley woke hours later with my voice in her ear. She rubbed her sleepy face against my chest, then wiggled out of my hold and guided me to play.

  I should’ve felt relieved. She wasn’t angry with me or sad. She didn’t act disappointed, and over the next few days we became closer. Inseparable. I spent every waking moment with my daughter and prolonged our time together until sleep became a necessity. I cut off everyone but her. I ignored every call and text. I got coverage for work and made arrangements so I didn’t need to leave her. I did what I should’ve been doing all along…I made Marley my life. So I didn’t understand why I still felt like I was messing up. I couldn’t shake my failure. I held on to it.

  Why shouldn’t I?

  It was mine to bear and mine alone.

  * * *

  It was Wednesday afternoon when a knock sounded at the door.

  I stood from the couch with Marley asleep on my chest. We’d given up on naps in her crib two days ago. They were pointless anyway. As of recently, I wouldn’t let her out of my arms for long.

  I wasn’t expecting anyone today, so I had no idea who I was about to come face-to-face with.

  I pictured Jenna on my porch and wanted it to be her so fucking badly, even though I hadn’t reached out yet—I wasn’t ready to—but it wasn’t Jenna staring back at me when I opened the door. It was my father, and he was alone.

  He never came here alone.

  “Son,” he said, dropping his head into a nod. His gaze slid to Marley where she remained asleep, her head on my shoulder. “Now, that’s a sight I wasn’t sure I’d ever see three months ago.”

  “What are you doing here?”
I asked.

  “Well, I wasn’t about to be ignored much longer, Nathan. Five days is my limit.” He stepped forward and paused to inquire, “May I come in?” even though we both knew he wasn’t waiting for permission.

  I stepped aside and closed the door behind him.

  “Let’s sit down,” he suggested, gesturing at the kitchen table before walking toward it. He pulled out two chairs that were side by side, letting me know without words where he wanted me to sit. “Would you like me to take her for a while?”

  “No. She’s fine.” I hugged Marley against my chest as I sank into the chair. No way was I giving her up.

  My father gazed over at me and smiled. “You been doing much besides that the past few days?”

  “Not really.” There was no point in lying about it. I sighed into Marley’s hair. “I’m sorry I haven’t called or answered you. I’m just…” My chest grew impossibly tight. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Dad. I keep messing up.”

  “What are you messing up, Nathan?”

  “I forgot,” I whispered. I turned my head and looked over at him. “How could I forget? What’s wrong with me?”

  “Hey.” Dad leaned over and held onto the back of my neck. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing, okay? Things happen. You’re finally living your life after two years of not doing that, and you just got caught up. Look how close the two of you are now. Don’t regret what you’ve done to get here.”

  “I should’ve remembered…I keep letting her down. She’ll hate me eventually.”

  “Who will?”

  “Marley. I’m failing her, Dad.”

  His mouth twitched. “I hate to tell you this, but you will constantly feel that way, son. It’s part of being a parent.” He gave my neck a squeeze before releasing me and sitting back. “You don’t think I have regrets when it comes to you?”

  “Like what?” He was only saying that to make me feel better. How could my father have any regrets? I respected the hell out of him.

  “Most recently, the past two years…”

  When my eyes flared with confusion, Dad went on to explain.

  “You were hurting, Nathan. I knew you were, and I sat back and watched you. I should’ve stepped in sooner. No matter how you chose to grieve or how long you needed to do it, I should’ve been there, at your side. I know that now.”

  “But you and Mom…you took care of Marley when I couldn’t. How could you think you needed to do more?”

  “Because I’m your father,” he stated simply. “And there will never come a time when I’ll think I’ve done enough when it comes to you.”

  I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Fuck, I wanted to cry.

  “I shouldn’t have abandoned you the way I did before Memorial Day. I’m sorry about that too. At the time, I hadn’t seen another way to force you to change, but I should’ve done it differently.” He held my eyes. “I hope you can forgive me for that.”

  Is he serious? “Dad, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have this.” I tipped my head down, gesturing at Marley. “Please stop apologizing to me.”

  “Okay, then,” he said. “What about this woman you’ve been seeing? The one with the kids of her own. I’m surprised she isn’t here.” He glanced around the room. I stared at the table. “Son.”

  “I need to call her.”

  “Is there a reason you haven’t?”

  “She knows I forgot. She was here on Thursday.”

  “I see.” Dad was silent for a moment. “You don’t want her thinking you’re the kind of man to forget something like that.”

  “That’s not all I’m worried about,” I said.

  “Okay. What else is stopping you from calling her?”

  I dropped my head and buried my face in Marley’s hair. Tears built in my eyes as my father laid a comforting hand on my shoulder. I couldn’t do this right now, but fuck, I wanted to. I wanted to get past this.

  “What I feel for her—it’s more than I’ve felt for anyone, including Sadie.”

  “And you don’t think you should feel that?”

  “I don’t understand how I could feel it. I loved Sadie, Dad. I married her…What the hell am I feeling for Jenna if it’s already more than that?” And what will it become?

  My father dropped his hand and turned in his chair to face me. “Nathan, I’m going to say a few things, and I want you to let me finish before you step in, okay? Can you give me that?”

  “Yeah.”

  Shit. That was all he was asking for? Momentary silence? He could have it. I owed him a lot more.

  “You and Sadie loved each other, there was no doubt about that, but I’m not sure either one of you ever really needed the other. I don’t think you allowed yourself to feel that for her, and I don’t think she did either. Or maybe you simply couldn’t. Whatever the case, I never saw a dependency there. You were solid with her and you were solid on your own. I think she was the same, until she wasn’t.”

  Anger burned in my blood. I was solid without her? What the fuck did that mean?

  I quickly looked over at him, ready to question whatever the hell this bullshit was he was trying to say, but I bit my tongue when I remembered the request to let him finish.

  “I’m not saying that was necessarily a bad thing.” He paused in thought. “I’m not saying it wasn’t either. None of us know what Sadie was going through, but I refuse to put any blame on her and I sure as hell won’t put it on you, so I’m going to move on and say that it’s okay to need other people, Nathan. It is okay to let yourself rely on someone so they can help you through this life that can sure as hell be a real kick in the ass sometimes. I think what you’re feeling for this woman is just that—you need her. And I hope I don’t have to explain myself and clarify that I do not mean you need her in terms of watching Marley…”

  “No, I know what you mean.”

  “This feels different to you because it is different,” Dad went on. “It’s bigger. When you move past loving someone to needing them—they become a necessity to your own survival. You no longer get to decide whether you can be without this person. You can’t. It’s decided for you. I think you’re having difficulty understanding this because you’ve never felt it before. I also think maybe you’re a little scared of it for the same reason.”

  I considered his explanation. I stepped outside of my own reaction to look at it more clearly, and fuck, he was right. How did I not see what this was? I did need Jenna. From the very beginning, I was better with her. Being together, simply listening to her voice and the things she would say to me, her encouragement, everything. Around Jenna I was who I wanted to be.

  And even though it was strange and somewhat difficult to analyze my relationship with Sadie now, with her gone, I couldn’t deny the truth. We hadn’t been dependent on each other. We worked just as well together as we did on our own. We didn’t rely on the other person for anything. That wasn’t us.

  “Why didn’t I need Sadie?” I asked. “Why didn’t I get there with her?”

  My father was shaking his head before I finished speaking. “I don’t have the answer to that, Nathan. I don’t know if there is one…but I want to be clear on one thing: It doesn’t matter if that guilt is yours and something only you can understand—it’s okay to let someone help you through it. In fact, I think it’s vital. Don’t fight this.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Nathan.”

  My nostrils flared as I pulled in a breath. I wiped wetness from my eyes. “Dad, come on…”

  “Don’t come on me. I know you. I know there’s things we haven’t talked about and maybe you’ll never talk about them with me, and I’ll deal with that as long as I know you’re going to give that woman everything you’re feeling. Promise me you’ll do that, son. Hey.” He gripped my neck when I looked away and leaned in, gently forcing me to do the same. Our foreheads touched. “Promise me,” he begged, his voice tight. “You gotta have help with this, Nathan. We all lost Sadie. We are not los
ing you.”

  I could barely see him through the tears in my eyes. “How did you know?”

  He stroked my neck, smiling a little as he sat back. “Do you think I don’t see your guilt? That’s another thing about being a parent—no one knows your child better than you do.”

  “I’m sorry…fuck.” I pulled my glasses off and wiped my forearm across my face. “I know I should’ve talked about it. It’s just hard.”

  “I know it is. I can only imagine the weight you carry around with you. There are things I’ve told your mother that have been difficult to share, but I don’t hold back with her. She gets it all. And that’s not just for me, Nathan. When I let her in like that, that’s for her too. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sure that woman wanted to be here…”

  “Her name is Jenna.”

  “Sorry. I’m sure Jenna wanted to be here…”

  “I wanted her here. I always do. It’s just…” I looked down, gritting my teeth. “I was embarrassed. The whole thing, it messed me up. It’s still messing me up. I never would’ve told her I forgot about Sadie. I wouldn’t want her thinking I could do that.”

  “Well, I’m going to tell you right now—that would’ve gotten you into trouble.”

  “What would’ve?” I lifted my gaze.

  “Not sharing something like that,” he explained. “Letting that eat away at you…”

  “I’d rather Jenna not know about it than have her look at me any different.”

  “Nathan.” My father shook his head and sighed through his nose.

  “I can’t lose her, Dad.”

  “You’re going to lose her if you don’t let her in.” We stared at each other for a moment. “You can’t worry about what-ifs, Nathan. That’s no way to live.” He brought his arms across his chest. “Your fear will make you miss out on a lot of things if you let it. Don’t forget how close you were to missing out on her.” He tipped his chin at Marley.