by Daniels, J.
I pressed my mouth to her soft hair as I tried to imagine not knowing my daughter the way I did now. I couldn’t even fathom it.
And Jenna…the best parts of me were a tribute to her. What was I without her?
“I’m worried I’ll always be scared of this,” I said. “Not enough to keep me from being with Jenna though. There’s nothing that could stop me from that.”
“The risk is what you’re afraid of—how much you have to lose. I’d worry more if you weren’t scared of it, to be honest.”
I breathed a laugh, meeting his eyes. “You say that like you know how I feel.”
My father slowly smiled. “The moment I think I’m okay with the possibility of being without your mother is the moment I’ll need to reevaluate my entire life. I’m scared every day, son. Of loving her, of losing her. That’s how I know it’s right.”
Marley stirred awake in my arms then and lifted her head off my chest. She rubbed at her eye, then peered behind her at my dad.
“There’s my angel.” Dad sat forward, arms outstretched, and took her from me.
“TaTa!” Marley crawled into his lap and hugged him.
I watched the goofiest grin take up my father’s face, and I laughed. “I thought you hated that nickname.”
My father was supposed to be Pop Pop, but Marley had difficulty pronouncing that early on. TaTa stuck with her. You couldn’t get her to call him anything else.
“Oh, it isn’t so bad,” he said, rubbing her back. He watched me over the top of her head and smiled with emotion in his eyes. “Take the risk, Nathan. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.”
“I will. I want to.” God, did I want to.
I pulled out my phone, but paused before I made the call, and looked at him again. My intention must’ve been written all over my face, because I didn’t even need to ask the favor. He knew.
Dad got to his feet, holding Marley. “Your mother was wanting to visit, but she had some appointments she couldn’t move around. How about I take this one home with me and you can pick her up later?”
I stood then too. “That would be great. Thanks.” I leaned in and kissed Marley’s temple. Then I looked at my dad.
Fuck, I owed him. I owed him more than I could ever give back.
“There’s no need for any more words right now. Just give me a hug, son.” He held out his arm.
I stepped in, reciprocating the embrace.
After Dad drove off with Marley, I went upstairs and got showered and dressed, then drove over to Jenna’s apartment.
I knocked on her door. No one answered.
Chapter Twenty-Three
JENNA
Nathan had said he would call, so I waited for it. I didn’t reach out to him. I had pushed enough.
On Friday, the kids wondered why we weren’t hanging out with him and Marley, since we typically spent his days off together. On Saturday, they questioned why we weren’t going to his house like we normally would.
“Nathan has some things going on right now. He took the day off,” I told them.
Fortunately, the kids didn’t press any further. Until Sunday, when again, our routine was disrupted. We should’ve been with Marley.
“What’s going on with Nate, Mom?” Oliver asked.
The kids were seated together on the couch, sharing Olivia’s iPad since Oliver’s needed to charge. I took a seat on the edge of the coffee table and looked between them.
“Is he sick?” Olivia wondered. “We can still be around Marley if he’s sick. We probably should be…She might catch it. We should just bring her over here and let her stay with us.”
“No, he isn’t sick.”
I hadn’t planned on explaining what was going on with Nathan to either one of them. It was his business and not mine to share. However, both Oliver and Olivia knew what had happened to Sadie. And even though I didn’t think they understood it fully, they were understanding of it. Sensitive and sympathetic to Nathan and Marley both. And because of that, I felt comfortable giving them a partial explanation.
I told them it had been the anniversary of Sadie’s death and that Nathan needed some time with Marley so that they could think about her. I said Marley should be with her dad right now and explained how the two of them could help each other through this.
I expected Oliver and Olivia’s agreement and acceptance. I think they tried for it. But even though I knew them better than I knew anyone, I forgot—they were still only eight-year-old kids. They felt everything on a deeper, personal level. They wouldn’t always understand reasoning that wasn’t their own. And their emotions were unflinching and uncontrollable more often than not.
“But why can’t we help them?” Olivia asked as she blinked rapidly behind her glasses to ward off tears. “Why can’t we all be together? We’re supposed to be…” Her bottom lip trembled.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. Nathan just wanted it to be him and Marley right now.”
Olivia flinched, as if my words physically hurt her. That killed me.
“That’s not fair.” She sniffled and wiped at her nose with the back of her hand, then looked over at her brother as he slid off the couch.
“Hey. Come here.” I reached for him, but he pulled back and slipped around me. “Oliver…”
My son’s disappointment came in the form of silence. He sulked to his bedroom without saying a word and slammed the door shut behind him.
“Can I call him?” Olivia asked.
“No, not right now.”
“Okay. When? Tomorrow?” Her eyes were pleading.
“I don’t know, sweetheart.”
I didn’t know what else to say to her. I couldn’t promise her tomorrow when I had no idea when Nathan would reach out.
I opted for distraction. “Why don’t we do something fun this afternoon?” I suggested. “Anything you guys want. And then don’t forget, tonight is family dinner.”
I knew they would both be looking forward to that. They always were.
Olivia lifted her head and glared at me as she scooted off the couch. “I don’t want to go to family dinner. I’m staying here.” She scooped up her iPad and stormed off.
“Olivia.”
For the second time that day, I was ignored. Oliver’s door opened, slamming behind Olivia after she disappeared behind it. I sighed, hunching forward and digging my fingers into my temples.
I could picture them seated together on Oliver’s bed, comforting each other with words neither of them believed. I wanted to be in there with them, but I gave them their space and busied myself with work instead.
But I couldn’t distract myself completely. I thought about Nathan. How could I not?
It was bad during the day with Oliver and Olivia around, but it was the worst late at night. Surrounded by silence in my bedroom, I worried and wondered. I fought the urge to call. I grew sadder when he didn’t.
On Monday, another day I would have normally watched Marley, I packed our afternoon with activities to keep us occupied. We went to the park and ate a picnic lunch, and then I surprised the kids with tickets to the aquarium. We hadn’t been in more than a year.
“Marley would like this,” Olivia mumbled as she and Oliver admired one of the large tanks filled with brightly colored fish. She gently tapped on the glass. “Right, Ollie?”
Oliver tugged on his sister’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go,” he said, leading her away.
I searched through my bag as I followed them, checking my phone for any notifications I might’ve missed. August in the aquarium was packed with families. Even the noise was noisy. I had a text from Brian saying he missed seeing us yesterday at dinner, and nothing else.
I hid my disappointment behind a smile when the kids looked back.
Later that night, I was sitting on the bed folding laundry when my phone rang.
I shot to my feet and swiped the device off my nightstand, knowing it was Nathan—I was sure of it. And when it wasn’t, I wanted to rip my hopeful heart out of my chest and throw it outside, fi
ve stories down. I hated my unyielding optimism.
And worse, I hated feeling disappointment to see Sydney was calling me.
“Hey, Syd,” I answered, plopping down on the edge of the bed. I picked at the hem of my top.
“Hey! How are you?”
“Good.” Good? I was so far from good it wasn’t even funny. “How are you?”
“I’m great! You know, the same really. Not, like, great because of other reasons or anything…Nothing’s going on.”
I could vaguely hear my brother’s voice in the distance. Then Sydney spoke away from the phone. Her voice was muffled.
“Anyway,” she said, clear in my ear again. “I was wondering if you were supposed to watch Marley on Wednesday because, if not, I thought maybe you’d like to come over for lunch. I’m off for the day.”
Wednesday was another Marley day for me. Tomorrow was as well, and even though Nathan still had hours left to call before my plans for the next two days became obvious, somewhere in my mind, where awareness flowered from fear to a fact I could no longer ignore, I already knew I wouldn’t see Marley.
“No. I’m free,” I answered. “I just have some work I’ll need to do in the morning, and then I can come over with the kids.”
“Awesome. Want to do one o’clock? I’m taking Sir to the dog park to meet up with some of his furry friends at eleven. We should be home by then.”
“Yeah, that works. Do you want me to bring anything?”
“I don’t think so. I got it.”
“Okay. I’ll see you Wednesday at one.”
“Hey, Jenna?”
“Mm?”
“Is everything okay? You seem a little off…”
I wanted to tell Sydney what was going on. I could’ve used another opinion, but I also felt like this was a discussion we could save and have face-to-face. I didn’t know if I was up for it tonight.
Hope whispered in the back of my mind. And maybe he’ll call tomorrow. The discussion won’t even be needed. I squeezed my eyes shut and blocked it out.
“Shut up, Ollie!” Olivia yelled from the hallway. “You don’t know that!”
I frowned at the door.
“Yes, I do! I know it for a fact!”
“No, you don’t, idiot!”
“You’re an idiot!”
A door slammed, followed by another. I heard something hit the wall behind my bed.
I quickly got to my feet. “Sorry, I gotta go, Syd. The kids are fighting for some reason.”
“Okay, no problem. See you Wednesday!”
“See ya.”
I dropped the phone on the bed after ending the call, then hurried down the hallway and stopped at Olivia’s door. I opened it without knocking. Privacy didn’t exist when objects were being chucked at my walls.
“What was that?” I asked, stepping inside her room. “And why are you two yelling at each other?”
Olivia was on her bed, lying on her side so I couldn’t see her face. The notebook she always carried around was open on the floor in front of her dresser. The pages were bent up under its weight. I knew that was the object she’d thrown.
I picked up the notebook and carried it over to the bed, taking a seat behind her. “Olivia, what’s going on?”
“Ollie said you and Nate broke up.” Her voice was quiet and sad. “He said that’s why we aren’t going over there anymore. But he’s wrong.” Olivia sniffled and peered over her shoulder at me. “He’s wrong, right, Mama? That’s not true…” Tears glistened in her eyes.
For a moment I didn’t answer her, mainly because I couldn’t answer her. I knew the reason for Nathan’s silence, but I couldn’t deny how it felt on day four. This felt like a breakup.
“Mom.” Olivia whimpered. She began to cry.
“Baby, I’m sorry.” I placed my hand on her hip and fought tears of my own. “Things are just complicated right now…I know this is hard to understand.”
“What happened? Everything was so good!”
“Nothing happened.”
“Then why isn’t Nate here? Why isn’t he here, Mom! And why can’t we go over to his house? We should be there with him! He wants us to be. I know it! I know he does! We’re supposed to be together!”
“Hey, shh.” I leaned over Olivia and pulled her glasses off, setting them on the small table beside her bed. Then I wiped away her tears. “It’s going to be okay, I promise,” I said, kissing her shoulder. I pushed strands of hair back off her forehead. “We’re always okay, right? Me, you, and your brother—”
“No! We’re not okay, Mom! We need Nate!” She turned her face into the pillow and sobbed. “We’re not going to be okay. I know we won’t!”
My heart ached so badly, I wanted to tear it out of my chest. Olivia really believed we weren’t going to be okay, and it was my fault that she did.
“Baby, I need you to listen to me,” I began, resting my hand on her arm. “You know, Mommy has always dreamed of finding the perfect dad for you and your brother because I wanted this version of a complete family so badly, but we’re already a family. We’re the best I could ever want—just us. We don’t need anything more than what we have to be happy, and I am so sorry for making you think we do.”
God, all those dates and the wishing I did aloud. No wonder Olivia felt this way.
“We’re going to be okay. I promise.”
Olivia sniffled and stared at the wall. “What about my dream?”
“Honey, it’s okay to dream still…It’s okay to want more. We just don’t need it. Do you understand the difference?”
“I don’t want it to be just us anymore, Mama. I’m sick of it.”
“Sweetheart…”
“I want Nate!” She glared back at me. “That’s my dream. You just said I could have it!” She jerked her arm, pulling out of my grasp, and cried into her pillow.
I closed my eyes through a breath. Then I looked down into my lap at Olivia’s notebook. Some of the pages were still turned in and bent. I opened the book to fix the paper for her, unfolding one of the corners and moving on to the next. After I fixed it, I stared at the page and at the list I had never seen before.
In Olivia’s large, careful handwriting, she’d written:
Reasons Why Nate Makes the Best Dad Ever
by Olivia Savage
1. He’s 30. That’s older than my mom. She likes that.
2. HE WEARS GLASSES!! His hair is dark like ours. He’s tall. I think I’m tall for 8.
3. Knows how to make smores. I can’t wait to try them.
4. Likes games like us.
5. Holds my hand.
6. Talks to me a lot.
7. Called me and Marley his girls!! BOTH OF US!!
8. So funny.
9. Makes the best pancake shapes.
Olivia drew a giant arrow indicating a page turn, and on the back of the paper, she’d continued.
10. We already look like a family.
Below number ten she had taped the Fourth of July picture of us. I wiped tears from my eyes and skimmed the rest of the list.
11. Wanted me on his Putt-Putt team.
12. Plays with me.
13. GLASSES! I’m writing glasses twice. I think it’s so cool how we match.
Olivia’s explanations were random and each one just as important to her as the previous—I knew that in my heart. She wrote down things I didn’t know about, like Nathan telling her she looked pretty in a dress she wore one day and a confession Oliver revealed—My brother said he wished our last name was Bell. ME TOO! Her list ended with reasons seventeen and eighteen.
17. Smiles at me & Ollie.
18. Smiles at my mom.
Tears fell onto my cheeks and rolled down my neck.
I kept my agony silent while Olivia revealed hers to me, to Oliver in the next room, and to anyone living in the apartments above and below us. She was loud in her heartbreak. Her cries couldn’t be absorbed into the pillow.
I left the room feeling responsible for the pain she
was feeling. For Oliver’s, which I saw when I pushed his door open and found him on the floor, plucking at the string of his coiled sleeping bag.
He was already packed and ready for the camping trip on Friday.
I almost told him it could still happen. I wanted to tell him it would. I’d give anything to promise that, because I couldn’t stand to see the little tremble in his bottom lip he thought he hid from me when he turned away and glared at the wall the second I peeked into his room.
“Can you ask Olivia to stop crying like that? She’s bothering me.” With a quick hand, Oliver wiped underneath his glasses. His small shoulders trembled in little jerks.
He could cry in silence if he tried hard enough. I’d seen him do it before.
“I don’t want to talk right now, okay?” Oliver said, keeping his focus on the wall.
“Okay, sweetheart.”
I left him, pulling the door closed, and walked back to my room. I didn’t tell Olivia anything. I knew Oliver wasn’t really bothered by her. He sympathized. He felt what she felt, and that had absolutely nothing to do with the two of them being twins.
That was it. I was sick of waiting. I palmed my phone and carried it to the farthest corner of my apartment. I didn’t want the kids to hear me.
I steadied my breaths as the phone rang and rang, and when Nathan’s voice mail picked up, I shook my head and cursed. I hated leaving this in a message. I wouldn’t get the answers I needed.
“Hey, it’s me,” I said, keeping my voice low. “I wanted to know if you were still planning to take Oliver on the campout or if I needed to ask Brian…If I don’t hear from you, I’m going to assume you aren’t going.” I looked in the direction of the hallway. I pictured my son’s face. “I wasn’t going to tell you how disappointed Oliver will be if you bail on him, but I think you should know. And Olivia too…” Tears spilled onto my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away. “Um, anyway, that’s why I’m calling. And I wanted to make sure you were okay. I hope you are.” I almost hung up, adding my last words on a whisper. “Please call me, Nathan.”
* * *
Sydney prepared a favorite for the kids at lunch on Wednesday afternoon: Mexican chicken. Oliver and Olivia loved the crunch of the Doritos she sprinkled on top of the dish. They scarfed down seconds, then asked permission to go out back with Sir, Syd’s dog. They loved chasing him around the yard.