by J. L. Beck
“Okay….I'll give you some time… but I’ll tell you this…” He crossed the short space that separated us, his rough hand cupping my cheek. “You and Lola are mine and I’ll do whatever I can to make things right between us again…. I promise.” Fear of the unknown coursed through my veins as my anxiety mounted. Before I could pull away from his touch, his lips were on mine, sealing his words with a kiss. He made a promise in that kiss, with the stroke of his lips on mine, and that promise shattered every single wall I had built up in the last four years.
It destroyed me just like I knew it always would.
“I have to go…” I pushed away, heading towards the door my lips tingling and my body begging me to turn around and run back into his arms. I knew this would happen, one day. I guess I just never expected for it to happen so soon.
I scrubbed a hand down my face in frustration. Knowing Lola was now mine changed everything. It made me want to make things right between Mia and I that much more. Tonight we would talk, but right now I had something I needed to do. I gathered up all my stuff and put back on the clothes that I had been wearing last night. I needed to go over to the main house, shower and change my clothes and then take my daughter out to get to know her better.
There was only one problem: Mia’s parents. I doubted they would let me take Lola without a real reasoning but if what Mia said was true they didn’t know I was the father and I wasn’t ready to break the news to everyone just yet.
“Morning…” I groaned walking into the house my eyes going straight to Lola. She was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with Mia’s mother.
“Morning sunshine! How did you sleep?” Jen asked, getting up from the table to pour me a cup of coffee. It was something she had always done, even when I was in High School like I should’ve been drinking coffee then or something.
“I’m going to go take a shower and then I want to take Lola to the park if that’s okay?” Jen placed the coffee cup she had just filled on the counter before looking back at me.
“Sure…” She seemed a little unsure.
“I just want to take her to the park and then I’m going to take her to see Mia at the bakery.” It probably was weird of me to be asking about Lola but they didn’t know she was my kid yet, but once they did it would make much more sense to them. Jen’s eyes lit up as soon as I said something about meeting up with Mia. Everyone in her family wanted us to be together again. They loved me. The only person who fought it was Mia.
“Oh, that will be great! Mia would love that. Sure, go ahead and take a shower and I’ll have Lola ready when you get out.” I looked down at my daughter my heart beating so hard I was sure it would beat right out of my chest.
“Is that what you want Sweetheart? Do you want to go to the park with me?” I crossed the space that separated us, dropping down onto one knee so that I was the same height as her. She watched me curiously before giving me a toothy grin that all but said yes.
“Grandma I want to go to the park with Jake!” Lola announced. The sweet shriek of excitement in her voice made my heart sing. I never would’ve thought in a million years that I would be this excited over something as simple as a little girl's smile, but things changed, I changed, and now that I knew what my future held I was going to enjoy every single second of my time with her.
“I want to go to the park with you too, so I’m going to go shower and then we can leave okay?” I spoke softly watching her eyes twinkle with excitement as I spoke. My little girl.
I wanted her to call me Daddy, to hold my hand, and ask me to give her treats when Mommy said no. I wanted her snuggles and kisses. I wanted it all.
“Okay…” She responded quietly still looking at me though she went back to eating her breakfast. I stood hoping Jen hadn’t caught onto to my feelings towards Lola. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide the truth it was that I needed to make amends with Mia because when everyone found out the truth it was going to be from the two of us, together.
I loaded Lola up in the back seat of my jeep, buckling her in, and checking the seatbelt twice for good measure. Dear Lord, I was turning into Jen.
“Can we go to Shultz Park? Momma always takes me to Shultz Park.” Lola questioned from the backseat. My hands shook as I gripped the steering wheel before starting the car.
It was hitting me all at once, the fact that Lola was mine, that I was a Father, and that I would have to do whatever I could to keep us all together. The weight all settled onto my shoulders.
“And then we go for ice cream and I get one with sprinkles and chocolate syrup what kind do you like?” Lola continued. I sucked in a deep breath letting the air filter into my lungs before answering her.
“I like Strawberry darlin’ it’s my favorite, it’s also your Mommy’s favorite,” I added remembering all the times Mia and I had gone for ice cream the summer before I left. I found it quite funny that Mia brought Lola to the park we frequented the most.
“How do you know?” I could see the resilience in her eyes, as she tried to see if I really knew her Momma like I thought I did.
“Your Mommy and I go way back.” I shifted the Jeep to drive and headed off in the direction of the park. It was a few minutes drive, and Lola continued to pepper me with questions in regards to her Mother.
“Do you like my Mommy because I think you do…?” I couldn’t help but smile at her remark as I pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine.
I got out of the Jeep and opened her door, looking at her, realizing she was the perfect mixture of her Momma and me. She wore a bright smile that could’ve melted even the coldest of hearts.
“I don’t like your Mommy Darlin’…” I started and a pout formed on her face causing a tiny bit of muffled laughter to come out of me. “I love her….” Lola unbuckled herself and stood up, placing her hands on her hips as she did so.
“That sure was mean. I’m going to tell my Momma you said that!” All I could think as she jumped from the car and ran to the playground was how perfect it would be for her to tell her Momma that. Mia knew I loved her with my whole heart and soul, but it would be a totally different experience hearing it from out daughter.
“Hey now, wait up for me….” I hollered following behind her. The sun shined overhead as we played on the slides and swings. I hadn’t smiled or laughed this hard in my entire life. Everything about Lola was magical and the more I watched her play the more I grew attached to her.
Yes, she was mine, but she also wasn’t mine. My name wasn’t on the birth certificate and I had no way of proving that I was her father until a DNA test was done. The fear of losing her because Mia and I didn’t work was starting to become a reality.
I shoved those anxiety-induced thoughts to the back of mind as I plucked Lola up off the ground and through her over shoulder listening to her laughter fill my ears. I had yet another reason to live.
“Should we get your Momma some ice cream?” I asked Lola placing her back on her feet. She stared up at me astonishment in her eyes.
“You’re really, really, really tall…” All I could do was smile.
“Next” The order taker yelled, startling both Lola and me.
“Hi, we will have two cheeseburgers, a sundae with chocolate syrup, and sprinkles as well as a strawberry shake.” I rattled off the items we wanted loving the way Lola’s eyes lit up when I mentioned her ice cream. I paid, and we waited for our food at a nearby picnic table.
Shultz Park was the best place in all of Jackson County. It was so much more than just a park, and pool. They had bomb ass concession stand, and a lake that had some of the biggest fish I had ever caught.
“I like you, Jake.” Lola interrupted my thoughts, as she scooted closer to me on the bench.
“I like you too Lola.” My heart had never been so full before. One of the people from the concession stand called my name and I moved from the table to get the tray of food quickly. When I returned Lola seemed to be sad.
“What’s a matter?” I asked un
wrapping greasy burger and shoving half of it into my mouth. It had been a long time since I had something this delicious.
Lola shrugged and I didn’t like that she didn’t want to tell me what was going on. Even if I hadn’t known of her, I still felt this bond forming between us and I didn’t want it to go away because of unsaid words.
“Come on, you know you can tell me anything.” I leaned into her watching as she picked at the bun of her burger.
“It’s just… I don’t want today to end. It was so fun.” As she spoke the words my entire world flipped upside down. Mia had to work, it was just the way it was, but because of that, Lola was stuck home at lot.
Not anymore.
“We can do something fun every day…” I said trying to cheer her up. Her blue eyes widened.
“Really? We can do something every day together. I would love that!” Lola shoved from the table and came to my side wrapping her two small arms around me like I had just saved the day or something. I lifted my own arm, wrapping it around her small body, relishing in the feeling of our first hug.
“Me too Lola, me too.” And just as much as she didn’t want the day to end I too didn’t want the day to end, because it showed me more and more how much I needed to fix things between her Momma and me.
“Momma’s going to be so happy when I tell her about my day…” Lola whispered into my side before pulling away and going back to her food. I smiled behind the straw of my milkshake.
Lola had no clue how angry her Momma was going to be, and she never would because I was going to make everything between all of us better again.
I mixed the dough for the blueberry muffins I was making a little longer than needed, my thoughts slipping to Jake.
“Damnit!” I growled to no one but myself. I had been at the bakery for the last seven hours, and as the hours dwindled down so did my boiling anger towards him, though in its place anxiety bloomed.
“What’s a matter Kitten?” I could’ve thrown a measuring cup at his face, hell I should’ve. I swiveled around on my tennis shoes hating how much control he had over my body. All he was doing was looking at me and yet I could feel my cheeks heating and need pooling between my thighs.
Keep it together girl.
“Nothing is a matter. Life is grand. Perfect.” Sarcasm dripped from my lips. Jake must’ve found something amusing in what I said because a huge grin pulled at his perfectly shaped lips.
“Is it now? Because last I spoke to you, you were ready to throw down…” He raised and eyebrow as if to question if I still wanted too.
“Still am…I’m not exactly happy with you…” I nibbled at the inside of my cheek. My body begged me to go to him, to let him touch me, and awaken the need I had for him deep inside my chest.
“Well, I’m happy with you. Hell, I haven’t been this happen in God knows how long.” He licked his lips, and it was strange how badly I wanted his tongue to be touching me right at that moment.
“Well…” I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say so I stumbled for a second, giving him the chance to catch me off guard.
“Well, what?” He asked, his breath against my cheek as he spoke. How had he managed to get so close to me in such a short amount of time?
Remember why you’re mad at him.
“We aren’t happening. You’re more than welcome to be a part of Lola’s life but I can’t go through the heart ache again.” I felt so vulnerable pouring my heart out to a man that not only owned my heart but my soul as well.
“I told you we were going to talk, that this conversation was happening and I’m not changing my mind. I’m not changing my mind about us, or our daughter…” Tears welled in my eyes. He claimed Lola as his he called my daughter, our daughter.
“I told you, that you could be apart of her life, what more do you want?” I was hurting, my heart rubbed raw from the pain that it had endured. One would think the love of their life coming back after such a long time would evoke any other emotion aside from anger and betrayal but when I looked at Jake all I could see was the tears on my pillow and a woman with a swollen belly doing it all on her own.
“You! I want you!” He yelled his voice matching my anger. The truth was I wanted Jake. Hell I loved him, and I had never stopped, but I didn’t want it all to be for nothing again. I didn’t trust him and where there was no trust, there was no relationship.
“Well, you can’t have me.” I huffed, feeling his body get closer to mine. With my back pressed against the marble counter, I had nowhere to run.
I was in a trance, captivated by a man that had the power to ruin me again, and again. His head dipped and before I could turn away his lips pressed against mine. His lips were soft against mine, and he kissed me as if I was a fragile piece of glass on the verge of breaking.
“I fucked up. I hurt you. I ended us and for that, I’m indebted to you for the rest of my life, but I want this Mia. I need this. I can’t have my daughter live a life like I did. You know why I went into the Military. You know why I left this God forsaken town and it wasn’t because of you…” He spoke, cupping my face in his hands. Tears formed in his eyes making them darken.
I wanted this. I wanted it so badly, so why didn’t I just give in and say yes?
“You hurt me. You broke me, Jake….” I placed my hands on his shoulders squeezing his tight muscles.
“I know I did but I can piece you back together again. I can fix this between us.” He pleaded. There was desperation in his words that made me want to be the one to heal his bleeding heart.
I shook my head, feeling the tears slip from my eyes, and down my cheeks.
“Let me prove it to you, Mia. Give me one chance. One single chance and I promise you it’ll be the best choice you ever made. I swear it, on Lola’s life.” I couldn’t breathe it was all too much for me. Jake wanting Lola, me, all of this. I never suspected in my wildest dreams that he would come back and want Lola. I loved Jake, and he loved me but he never told me he wanted kids.
“Get out of that pretty little head of yours and stop thinking about the bad. I want this. I want you….” I could tell he meant every word he said, and even though my mind was telling me not to give in my heart was aching, and reaching out to him.
I wanted this.
“I’m scared. Terrified actually. “ I confessed not caring how much I was putting out on the line. If I was going to be saying yes, I was already half way to my grave. If he broke my heart again there would be serious repercussions.
“Me too. I’ve never had a kid, but I spent the entire day with Lola and it was like it was meant to be….” I blinked realizing what it was he had just said.
“You… you spent the entire day with Lola?” To say I was flabbergasted was a bit of an understatement.
Jake’s cheeks seemed to redden a bit and for the first time in a long time, I saw a slight uneasiness fill his features.
“Yes. I don’t want you to be mad because it was my idea. I asked your Mom if I could take her to the park for a bit. I never told her she was mine or anything like that. I just wanted to spend some time with her, get to know her, that’s all.” He was fumbling with his words, worry creasing his forehead.
“I’m… I’m not mad, just shocked.” And I was. Jake wasn’t the type to step out of his comfort zone and Lola was definitely out of his comfort zone.
“Really?” Jake stared at me with amazement.
“I’m… I’m actually glad that you decided to do that. What did you guys do?” It felt good to be talking like normal people instead of fighting and the second he said something I wanted to know it all. What did they do? Where did they go? Did they have fun? The center of my world was Lola, and I was more than positive that he knew that.
“I took her to Shultz Park and then we had Ice Cream. We talked about you, and then she told me she was happy I took her to the park today. Then I took her back to your Mom’s so that I could come here and talk to you.” Jake smiled tucking a strand of hair behind my ear examining my
face for a reaction I was sure.
I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion. I had dreamt of the day that Jake would be here to do these things with Lola and here it was happening right before my eyes.
“Don’t cry, baby…” Jake voice was soft, as he wiped away a stray tear from my cheek.
“What if you get involved and it turns out to be too much for you? Then what?” I questioned, looking up at him with terrified eyes.
“It will never be too much for me Mia. You and Lola will always come first until the very last day of my life I will strive to be the man you both deserve.” I bit the inside of my cheek wanting to believe him but also knowing even the inevitable could happen.
“You say that now, but you never…” Jake’s lips covered mine instantly, and a warmth like I never felt before radiated through my core and all the way down to the tips of my toes.
“Just let me have this moment with you. Nothing else matters but us, and our family, nothing…” He whispered against my lips, making my body feel all kinds of crazy things. In one swift movement, he had my ass on the edge of the counter, well he pressed a knee between my legs spreading me eagle.
“We can’t do this here…” I fumbled trying to get the words out as his lips slipped over my cheek and down the side of my throat and onto my bare collarbone, almost making me forget that the store was open and that a customer could walk in at any point and time.
“I guess you’ll have to be real quiet then won’t you?” He pulled away wiggling his eyebrows as he gripped the top of my yoga pants and pulled them down my legs, turning them inside out leaving me in nothing but a thong against the cold marble.
“Jake…” I pleaded though I wasn’t sure if it was for him to stop or for him to keep going.