‘Not … really.’ Nicholas swallowed the last of the toast and began picking at the table top. ‘I mean, sometimes I don’t take them because … well, just because. But it’s nice, really it is, Cerys. When things get bad it’s scary and I can’t … can’t always see my way out. Holly talks to me and makes sure I don’t do anything stupid.’
Cerys looked triumphant. ‘Well, don’t you think that might be the reason you can’t get a girlfriend? Because the role is already taken by your sister? And, I notice, we’ve just been talking about you and you haven’t even thought to say “oy, I’m sitting right here, you know”.’
‘It’s nice here,’ Nicholas suddenly announced. ‘It’s like real life.’
‘Doesn’t get much realer than this,’ Kai agreed. ‘I’m off to Leeds. Anyone coming? Cerys?’
‘Oh God, no. I can’t bear the thought of having to sit down for an hour. Anyway, Nicholas and I have decided to watch Jeremy Kyle and heckle, haven’t we?’
Nick slipped down off his stool. His borrowed T-shirt hung nearly to his knees and made him look about seven. ‘Yep.’
Kai looked at me. ‘Holly? Trip to Leeds?’
‘I ought to get home and get some contracts in the post.’ Then I thought of Aiden, lurking around my house with his laptop full of wedding lists. ‘Although I probably could take some time off.’
‘And I’d like the company.’ He stretched and I tried not to notice his flat stomach become visible at the gap between jeans and shirt. ‘We’ll be back by lunchtime. Anything happens …’
‘Yeah, yeah, I’ll call the hospital. Don’t worry, Nicholas can take care of me.’ Cerys put her arm through my brother’s. ‘We’ll spend the day in front of the TV yelling at the white trash, okay?’
Nick gave her a look that only fell a little short of adulation. ‘I’ve never watched Jeremy Kyle before. I haven’t got a television,’ he said.
‘Oh, you’re in for a treat then.’ She dragged him through to the living room, leaving Kai and I standing together in the kitchen.
‘Do you really think I mother him?’
Kai shrugged. ‘Honestly? Yes, I do. And I notice that you modify your behaviour around him. How long’s that been going on?’
‘You and Cerys don’t understand how he can be. He needs someone to make sure he pays his rent and gets to the hospital for check ups and stuff. Otherwise he’d float along, and then he’d have one of his bad days and …’ I shuddered. ‘And he doesn’t like confrontation, or shouting,’ I finished.
Kai pulled the battered old jacket on. ‘Have you ever thought about what it’s doing to you?’
I stopped, caught in the act of licking crumbs off my moistened finger. ‘To me? It isn’t doing anything to me. I’m just helping my brother to cope, that’s all.’
He made a complicated face, raised eyebrows and twisted mouth, all without meeting my eye as he did up the jacket. ‘You seem very good at not showing emotion, and I’d guess he’s trained you into that. Even when … remember when that guy fired over your head? When I turned up you were obviously shocked stupid and halfway to screaming hysterics, but you wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t break down, even though it was only Cerys and me there, and we wouldn’t have minded. You force yourself not to show anything in case Nick gets upset, and suppressing feelings like that isn’t good.’ Another twisted mouth. ‘Trust me on that one.’
‘All right, Freud.’
‘I’m serious, Holly. You look after Nick at the expense of yourself, and that’s wrong.’
I pulled my shoulders up around my ears, felt the ever-present tension down my spine. ‘He needs me.’
‘Have you ever given him the chance to cope alone?’
I stared at him. ‘What, you mean cut him adrift?’
‘No, no. I mean keep a watching brief from a distance. Check up on him, by all means, but do it over the phone, or meet up every few days. You see him every day at the moment, don’t you?’
I shrugged. ‘Mostly.’
‘Well, like Cerys says, maybe that’s stopping him from taking responsibility for himself.’ He held up a hand to forestall my complaint. ‘It’s okay, Holl, I know. He’s genuinely ill, he can’t and shouldn’t be expected to function like everyone else. But there are support networks you know, for people like Nicholas, it doesn’t all have to fall on your shoulders, and maybe letting other people take over a bit will help him too. They can guide him into more independent living and thinking, so that he stops expecting you to pre-empt his moods and troubles.’ He stood still, hands on the worktop. ‘Although, of course, it would mean that you’d lose your excuse.’
‘What are you on about now?’ He had his back to me so he couldn’t see my carefully prepared expression.
‘You know.’
‘Do I? God, I’m doing a good job of not letting myself in on my own thoughts.’
Kai turned. ‘You use Nicholas to keep from having to build a real relationship. You encourage his dependence on you so that you can put him first, leaving, I must say, anyone else out there in the cold. Sex is so much easier, isn’t it, Holl, than having to try?’
‘There speaks the voice of experience.’
He gave a half-shrug and pushed his hands through his hair. ‘Yeah. That’s how I know. Don’t leave it too long though, to let someone in. You could find yourself like me, deep in the shit with no one to talk to.’
‘You’ve got me,’ I said, small-voiced.
‘Not really I haven’t, have I?’ He stepped closer, put his hands on my shoulders. ‘You’ve locked yourself away from everyone to save your brother from anything that might upset him. I know how it feels, Holl, to not let things out, to keep secrets and be afraid of consequences, but I’m starting to … Look, it’s fine to allow yourself to fall. You don’t have to always be in charge, Holly. If you let yourself go, you might find something else comes in. Some real emotion. Or have you spent so long keeping everything calm and unemotional that you don’t really know how that’s meant to go, hmm?’ He dropped his hands from me and moved away, casually, tucking them into his jacket pockets.
I sighed. I was a bit too tired for all this psychoanalytical chat this morning. ‘Okay, Kai, give it a rest,’ I said. ‘Will Nick be all right here this morning?’
‘Goes without saying, he can stay here as long as he likes. He’s really hit it off with Cerys, and I think he’s been a bit lonely in that flat of his. Blokes he shares with think he’s a weirdo, you know that?’
No, I thought, I didn’t know that. And I saw him every day. Perhaps they were right, seeing so much of Nicholas wasn’t doing any of us any favours. I’d got too close to be able to see any changes in him. ‘Okay, thanks.’
‘Although, she’ll be back off to Peterborough in the next couple of days. Merion rang and the flat is just about back to normal.’
‘Oh. I’ll miss her.’
‘Yeah.’ Kai looked around the multi-gargoyled kitchen, which was clean and contained piles of ironed shirts. ‘Me too.’
On the way to the Jeep I told him about the men in the Land Rover with the shotgun and he froze.
‘Shit, Holly.’
‘I said we should have reported it but the others …’
‘Were right. Don’t go getting involved on this one, Holl. I told you to stay clear of that place, didn’t I?’
‘Yeah but, you were doing all International Man of Mystery at the time. Why should I stay away from anywhere I want to be?’
‘Because of men with guns? Just a suggestion.’
‘Yeah, but …’
‘What is it with you? You’re threatened, then run off the hill and all you can think of is how indignant it makes you? Why not concentrate on how dead it could make you?’ Now he bent to unlock the Jeep.
‘Who are they?’
‘Get in the Jeep.’
‘Not until you tell me who they are.’
‘Holly, I’m going to Leeds. Where I have to be. You are coming along for the ride. Which you don’t h
ave to do. You refuse to get in and I’ll drive away without you, all right?’
‘Oh for heaven’s sake.’ I got in, but flouncily, so as not to let the side down. Kai looked across at me. The dark of the garage made him look saturnine and inscrutable, he had his hair scooped back so his face seemed to be all eyes. ‘What?’
‘Are you really not scared?’
‘No. Leeds isn’t that far and you’re not a bad driver.’
‘Of the guys on the hill.’
‘This is Yorkshire, not Deliverance country. As far as I’m aware, armed gangs of vigilante yokels don’t have the right to shoot unarmed walkers.’
‘They might do it anyway.’
‘What, for the hell of it? Nah. They’re trying to be big scary men. Probably got one testicle between the lot of them, and they breed pit bull terriers or Rottweilers, so they can go out with them on short chain leads and feel like Real Men.’
Kai put his foot down. ‘What does that make me, then? I haven’t even got a guinea pig.’
Muddy snow sloshed up the side of the Jeep. ‘Oh you must be a Real Man, you wear a leather jacket.’
‘That noise was my ego going down the drain.’
‘And shag women’s best friends.’
‘Ah. I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.’
‘Where in Leeds are we going, anyway? They’ve got some brilliant shops, there’s a Harvey Nicks and everything.’
Kai’s expression went a bit twisted. ‘I’m going to find this PI. Find out why he’s looking for me, find out who sent him.’
I watched him drive for a bit. The Jeep pulled like a fresh horse so he had to keep both hands on the wheel, but he didn’t need to hold it as tightly as he did. ‘And what if it is your mother?’ I kept my voice gentle. ‘Do you want to meet her?’
‘I thought about finding her the day Cerys was born. She was a grandmother and she didn’t even know it, and I thought then she didn’t deserve to know. But then when Cerys got pregnant and I thought, what if she’d decided to go away and have the babies and not say anything? How would I feel, my own daughter having a life like that and me not knowing?’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know. Curiosity is a bitch.’
‘I’ll come with you, if you want.’
There was a moment’s silence, then a hand came off the wheel and grasped mine in a quick clasp. ‘Thanks.’
Fighting the urge to wind my fingers through his, I kept my eyes front. ‘So. Will there be time to go to Harvey Nicks do you think?’
‘You just spoiled a moment there, d’you know that?’
‘I’m not sure I need any more moments. My life seems to consist of moments. And, hey, have you noticed how there’s hardly any snow now? Aiden said that it all seemed to be centred around Malton, and looks like he was right. We’re, what, twenty miles away and it’s only a scattering.’
Kai raised an eyebrow. ‘Aiden?’
‘Look, you’ve got your shagging-of-the-best-friends, I’ve got Aiden.’ I remembered Aiden standing on my doorstep, priapic in my M&S dressing gown. ‘Can we not talk about him.’
‘Is he part of your wish-come-true excitement?’ He had both hands back on the wheel now, and his eyebrows drawn down together in a frown, although he hadn’t looked at me.
‘I don’t know. No. I didn’t wish for anything like that kind of excitement.’
‘And what kind is that?’
‘The kind that comes with handcuffs, thinks sex is enough to make a couple compatible, and has suddenly taken to drinking enormous quantities of whisky,’ I said faintly.
‘That’s exciting, is it?’ Kai swung the Jeep into a turn. ‘Sounds more like an overgrown teenager to me. Does he slam doors and shout “whutevah!” when you disagree with him? But then, I’ve been there too, I’m not one to talk, particularly with the “enormous quantities of whisky” thing.’
‘You don’t look like a drunk to me.’ My voice was even fainter now.
‘I’m a journalist, Holly, not a saint. In fact, I think journalism is the antithesis of sainthood, but I don’t drink so much these days. Getting older, you see. Whisky gives me a headache.’
‘Right.’
A sudden, unexpected smile. ‘What? Did you think I was all squeaky clean, teetotal and dedicated to doing good?’
‘It’s just … all your talk about exposing frauds and freeing underage girls …’
‘Vodka’d out of my head when I started out,’ he admitted cheerfully. ‘But I hadn’t had much of a life up till then. I was growing up and getting away from everything I’d ever known, which was pretty much mountains, sheep and occasional beltings, so I did go off the rails a bit. I’ve calmed down a lot now.’
‘Oh. Good.’
‘Well, I don’t want to set my grandson and granddaughter a bad example, do I?’ He leaned closer, across the handbrake. ‘Not if there’s anyone watching, anyway.’
‘Are you winding me up?’
He laughed. ‘Maybe. A bit. It’s just that you’ve only ever really seen me here, with Cerys, being grown up and responsible. I’m only thirty-six, Holly. I’m not ready for settling into Grandad things, all mint humbugs and dodgy knitwear … I’d like you to see me a bit more as I am.’
‘Oh yes? And how is that?’
He thought for a while, tapping the silver thumb ring against the steering wheel in a salsa rhythm. ‘Actually, now I come to think about it, I’m not entirely sure.’
‘Well then.’
The office in Leeds was in The Headrow, city centre, not the lock-up on a trading estate that I’d been expecting. It was surprisingly salubrious and, while Kai proved his identity to the satisfaction of the smartly dressed receptionist (another surprise, I thought all PIs worked alone and the dames were strictly decoration), I read Country Living magazines. It was like a private health clinic.
Eventually a door opened and Kai was ushered into another office. He motioned at me to stay where I was, but I could see he was shaking as he went inside.
I chatted to the receptionist. It’s always been part of my job, getting on with people, and I long ago learned that the quietest, most overlooked people are often the ones with the story to tell, particularly when they are the ones that open the mail and answer the phone. Her name was Laura and she’d been doing the job for five years, and when we’d got over the fact that I didn’t know Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, and she’d got out the biscuit tin, I found out quite a lot more about the letter Kai had received.
‘All done over the phone,’ Laura dunked a chocolate biscuit. ‘The lady didn’t want to travel.’
‘So, when did she get in touch?’
‘Dunno. Quite a while back, I think. You’d have to ask Donald. I talk to so many people who are looking for someone … It’s sad sometimes. I mean, Donald is good, but … you can hear it in their voices, they know the person never wants to speak to them again, but they still want him to find them.’
‘And it’s Kai’s mother?’
Laura wrinkled her nose. ‘Can’t tell you. Sorry. Confidentiality and all that,’ she said in a voice loud enough to have been heard in the adjoining office, but followed it by nodding vigorously until the top of her biscuit fell in her tea.
I looked at the closed door. The silhouetted dark shape that was Kai was visible through the frosted glass. He looked hunched, as though he had his head in his hands.
‘Poor bloke,’ I said.
‘Tasty though.’ Laura grinned at me. ‘You two … you know, a couple?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘He’s a friend. Well, sort of. His daughter and I are friends, he’s … Do you know, I’m not sure what he is?’ Yes, he’d kissed me like he’d wanted to rip my clothes off, and although we’d not got down to the horizontal tango we’d certainly managed more than a few steps of the vertical rhumba.
‘I see. You’re, like, the nanny.’
Before I could correct her misconception, the office door opened and Kai came out looking as though someone had yelled in his face. He was hold
ing a folded piece of paper.
‘Let’s go, Holly,’ even his voice was pale.
‘Good luck,’ Laura whispered. ‘And don’t forget, they always fall for the nanny.’
I could feel Kai shivering like a wet dog. As we walked through the crowds to get back to the car he kept stopping, turning his head, following people with his eyes and after a while I worked out that he was watching parents with children. Mothers, specifically, pushing overloaded buggies or chatting to toddlers whose normal wide-eyed overactivity had been pushed to almost unbearable levels by the Christmas lights hanging overhead and the Santa-laden shop windows.
I touched his arm. ‘You all right?’
‘I don’t … shit.’ A tear found its way down one cheek and he smoothed it away with the sleeve of his jacket. ‘C’mere.’
In a narrow alleyway between two shop doorways, I took the paper he handed me. ‘What is it?’
He shook his head, closed his eyes and breathed deeply. ‘Read it.’
It was a photocopy. Carefully neat, with very faint lines ruled across the page.
To my son, I don’t even know what they called you but in my head you were always David.
I don’t expect you to understand anything about my reasons for trying to find you. I don’t even think I have the right to tell you what those reasons are, but I know that if you’re reading this letter, I have at least got this close to you and that means more to me than I can ever say.
I love you. I never stopped loving you, and I think about you every day. Please, if it is possible for you to forgive me to any extent, let me see you. Once, that’s all I ask. I realise that distance may make this impossible but even a photograph would help.
My darling David, you are ever in my thoughts.
Your mother.
I looked at Kai. He was still very pale and his eyelashes were spiky with moisture. ‘What do I do, Holly? What do I do?’ The poised, hard, journalistic façade was gone, cracked into a million pieces with the splinters reflected in his eyes. He hugged the leather jacket around himself and stared down at his feet. ‘I don’t even know what I feel now. I hated her so much all those years, and now this,’ he flipped the letter I still held. ‘David,’ his voice was cracked and far away. ‘My name was David.’
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