Four
Under the hiss of the gas lantern that evening, Susanna placed the water glasses on the table. The winter sun had set moments before, the glow of the sunset still on the horizon. In the stillness, she would be able to hear Herman entering the washroom. She would have time to make sure there was a smile on her face before he opened the door.
Should she even tell Herman about Matthew? She’d felt sure at Mary’s place about the matter, but the question had been racing through her mind all the way home and even while she rushed to fix supper. Matthew had made them all late getting started with the Thanksgiving preparations, though he had left after the lunch Mary prepared. Then they were able to work quickly to catch up.
At least Matthew hadn’t tried to eat at the table with them. He had taken a seat without complaint in the living room with Mose and Laura. Ernest had taken his plate into the living room too, sitting in the recliner, which had helped keep the children’s questions at bay. Questions such as why their uncle wasn’t eating at the kitchen table with the rest of the family.
Susanna had even been a little thankful for the bann. Eating with Matthew sitting near her would have brought back too many memories of family gatherings where they had been seated side by side. Seated around tables and laughing with her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. A situation she had expected to be repeated a thousand times after she married Matthew. Which had turned out not to be.
Family gatherings…Her thoughts went back to this morning. Now some of those meals would never happen at all, given Herman’s feelings about Christmas. He would come to Thanksgiving and be happy with the rest of them, but on Christmas Day they would be home as if it were any other day.
So…did Herman really need to be told about Matthew? Would Herman think something was still going on between Matthew and her, even though there really wasn’t? Surely not. Herman wasn’t exactly the romantic type, so he wouldn’t be inclined to think anything was awry. She was, after all, married to him. And for that reason, yah, she needed to tell him. Wives shouldn’t keep such things from their husbands. Even harmless things that didn’t matter. This would be a chance to practice closeness with him.
Placing the last of the food on the table, Susanna paused to catch her breath. Everything looked perfect—just the way she wanted it. Now if Herman would just come in. She’d seen him heading to the barn not fifteen minutes ago. He should be done putting the horses up by now. Perhaps if she went out to meet him, he would hurry.
With a quick glance at the steaming food, Susanna rushed out the door. The air had chilled during the time she’d been home. She wrapped her arms around herself. She should have grabbed a coat, but, really, this will only take a moment. Running toward the barn, she pulled open the barn door. Herman was reaching for the lantern on the ceiling hook.
“Supper’s ready!” she sang out, smiling at him. “The food’s going to get cold if we wait.”
“I’m coming,” he said, returning her smile. He looked tired from his day’s work.
She drew close to him. Reaching out, she gently took the lantern from him and set it on the floor. Then taking his hands in hers, she noted they felt rough and cold. She rubbed them between hers.
Herman’s smile widened. “I thought you might still be sore at me.”
“Not really. Not enough to feed you a cold supper.”
His whiskers where he’d shaved had grown since this morning, and they would tickle tonight when he kissed her. But she liked that. His little stubble of a beard would soon reach down much further. The few weeks growth since the wedding hadn’t amounted to much yet.
When he didn’t say anything, she pulled him toward her, tilting her face up, looking into his eyes.
He gave in, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in close to him.
He did love her, there is no question about that, she thought as their kiss lingered.
“My!” he said, letting go. “I don’t think I need any supper after that.”
She laughed. “You’re not fooling me. A man has to have his supper. Unless you don’t like my food all of a sudden.”
“Next to your kisses, your cooking is the best thing in this world.”
“Oh you flatterer,” she teased. He didn’t always say things like that. So perhaps he was still trying to make up for this morning.
“It doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind since this morning.” He took her hand in his. “I still stand firm about Christmas.”
“I know you do. I guess every couple has to fight about something,” she said, pulling him toward the barn door.
“As long as you keep kissing me, I’ll settle for that,” he said, reaching down to grab the lantern and swinging it with his free hand.
“There will always be plenty of those.”
“You sure you’re not trying to butter me up? Tempt me into changing my mind?”
“We’re still honeymooners, Herman. Isn’t that reason enough for kisses?”
He answered with another quick kiss.
“Come.” She tried to pull him into a run toward the house. He laughed, playing along before dropping her hand and racing past her. She slipped on the cold ground but caught herself in time. He was already halfway to the house. Throwing herself forward into a fast sprint, she hurried. Herman was inside the washroom by the time she arrived. “That wasn’t fair!” she teased.
He laughed as he washed in the basin. She watched while he dried his face and hands. Nee, he isn’t quite as handsome as Matthew, but almost. A flush spread over her face at the thought. I’m not comparing Herman to Matthew, Susanna corrected herself silently. Not really. The thought came all by itself. It meant nothing. Thankfully, the lantern light wasn’t giving Herman a gut look at her face, especially if she stayed in the shadows. And if Herman did notice, hopefully he thought she was flushed from the quick run into the house.
Pushing past him, she went into the kitchen and took a quick look around. The food was probably a little cold by now, but they would make do. She had taken up more time by running out to the barn than she would have by waiting for Herman here, but it had been a gut idea—greeting Herman like that. Some things were more important than hot food.
“Sit!” she told him when he came through the doorway.
“Bossy, are we?”
“In the kitchen a woman is always in charge,” she said, joining him at the table.
“To that I can agree.”
He closed his eyes, a smile still on his face, and began praying the short prayer he usually gave at mealtimes. She listened, liking the sound of his voice. It wouldn’t grow old, she decided. Even after hearing it every day for whatever time Da Hah allowed them to live together as husband and wife.
“So how was your day?” he asked when he raised his head.
“Okay.” She tried to sound chirpy. Matthew would have picked up on the tension in her voice, but Herman didn’t seem to notice. He helped himself to the food, piling his plate high. She followed his example, although the portions were smaller on her plate.
“Not hungry?” he asked.
“Oh, yah, I’m hungry.”
“You must have worked hard with Mary on the Thanksgiving menu all afternoon.”
“We did. We were delayed some, so we had to rush.”
He was looking at her while he ate, and she knew now was the time to tell him about Matthew.
“You’re not expecting, are you?” he asked.
She jumped. “Not that I know of,” she said hurriedly.
He shrugged. “That can throw a woman off her food, I hear.”
“I do have something to tell you though,” she whispered.
A smile crept across his face. “So you suspect it then. Even if you don’t know for sure.”
“No, Herman. It’s something else. Matthew was visiting at Mary’s place today. He came in late last night. Mary didn’t have time to let me know, or I wouldn’t have gone over there.”
“Matthew?” Herman’s face
was blank for a moment.
She looked away as his comprehension dawned. “Matthew Yoder is here? In the community? And you spoke with him?”
“I couldn’t help it, Herman. He was right there. I had to.”
After a long moment, he shrugged. “I guess there was no harm in it. He left you a long time ago.”
Silence settled over them.
After what seemed to her like forever, Susanna said, “I have forgotten him, Herman.” She softly touched his arm and looked at the stubble on his cheek.
He didn’t meet her gaze. “I know, Susanna. I trust you.”
“Herman, Matthew was a long time ago, just like you said. There’s nothing between us now. He just wanted to speak with me. He didn’t even know I was married.”
“And you told him?” He still wasn’t looking at her.
“Of course, Herman.”
“Is he gone?”
“Yah, he left right after lunch.”
“So he stayed at Mary’s for a meal. Isn’t he in the bann?”
Susanna nodded. “He ate in the living room while we ate in the kitchen. The children, they were with him. And Ernest went into the living room with his plate.”
Herman didn’t comment.
“Ernest is Matthew’s brother, Herman. They couldn’t just turn him out.”
He nodded. “Yah, I guess so.”
“You’re not jealous, are you, Herman?” She reached out for him again. “Because you don’t have to be.”
He smiled, touching her fingers. “I think any man would be jealous of you, Susanna. It’s just the way it is with us men.”
“But you don’t have to be.” She begged with her eyes for him to believe her.
He stood and kissed her on the forehead. “I figure I’m married to you and Matthew isn’t. Something for which I am most grateful.” He smiled.
“There…” She tried to kiss his cheek, but he had moved on. “I will always love you, Herman. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I’m jealous, not worried,” he said over his shoulder before disappearing into the living room.
At least he wasn’t upset. But she hadn’t done anything for which he should be upset. She loved Herman the best she could, and soon she would love him a whole lot more. Already her wish was coming true. She would just have to give him more kisses once she was done with the dishes. That would make up for the shock of Matthew’s appearance. Herman would like that.
Five
Herman had his head stuck deep in a farming magazine, but the words weren’t taking shape in front of his eyes. He was listening to the sound of Susanna cleaning up after dinner. The soft click of the dishes hitting each other blended with the splashing of water.
He ought to help Susanna, he thought, instead of sitting in here trying to read his magazine. But his daett had never done such a thing that he could remember, and he could hardly imagine Grandpa Wagler helping Grandma in the kitchen.
It wasn’t what men did. At least his mamm had always implied they didn’t. They worked hard in the fields all day. They came in at night to a well-prepared supper and rested so they would be fresh for another hard day’s work tomorrow. Women’s work was for women. That was what he had been taught. But now there were other feelings stirring in him. He wanted to help—more to be with Susanna than anything else. Surely drying the dishes for her wouldn’t be out of order. Maybe his daett had done the same thing when he had first married…before the babies started arriving.
He would try, he decided. If Susanna made a face at him, he could pretend he wanted a drink of water and beat a hasty retreat. She might be brooding in the kitchen even now over their argument about Christmas this morning.
The way she had been acting all evening wasn’t what he had expected. Even with her waving to him from the buggy. Susanna had been genuinely upset this morning. That was understandable in a way, but after all, he had warned her that Christmas was something his family didn’t celebrate. And they weren’t alone either. There were a few older families who agreed with his family. Some of these families traced their lineage clear back to the 1846 founding of the Amish community in Kalona, Iowa.
Back then, December the twenty-fifth was the Englisha time for celebrating the Christ child’s arrival. The Amish believed Old Christmas in January was the true date. But over the years, some of the families had changed their minds. Influenced by Englisha emotionalism, Mamm claimed. And the Wagler family was having nothing of it. January sixth was the real date, and the Waglers were holding their ground.
Of course, Mamm had never fully explained to him what holding the line would entail. Like telling Susanna they wouldn’t be attending her parents’ Christmas breakfast. Who would have thought so much emotion was involved? Last year Susanna could still go, even if he wasn’t with her. This year they were married, and it wouldn’t look right for Susanna to attend by herself.
Herman started to stand and head for the kitchen, but he paused to listen. All was silent now. Susanna must have finished. He had missed his chance tonight. Well, perhaps it was for the best. She might think he was changing his mind about the Christmas breakfast if he chose tonight to offer to help in the kitchen for the first time.
Herman settled back in his chair. Susanna would be out soon. Sitting on the couch near him, her presence comfortable and soothing. Already they made an excellent couple, he thought. Just like he always knew they would. He had even had such thoughts during the years she was dating Matthew. He had often caught his eyes going in her direction at the Sunday night hymn singings—even when he figured she was promised to another man.
Always he had kept himself in check, trying to drive thoughts of Susanna away. He had even thought to ask other girls home a few times, but he never got beyond the thinking stage. People said he was slow in making up his mind or, in unguarded moments, referred to the stubborn Wagler streak that all the family members were reported to have—an accusation not without justification.
Now he was sure it was Da Hah who had given him grace to keep waiting until the time was right. When Matthew left for the Englisha world, getting himself placed in the bann, Herman began to woo Susanna at once.
It hadn’t been easy though—the winning of Susanna’s heart. Susanna had said no the first three times he’d asked her home, but she agreed on the fourth try. Perhaps to shut him up, if nothing else. But then maybe not, because she allowed him back the next Sunday night…and the one after that.
He had taken his time, never pushing too hard. And Susanna had come around. The moment to ask her to become his frau became clear to him the night she first leaned against his shoulder in the buggy. But even then he had waited a few more weeks.
And when she said yah, he had even dared kiss her. His first kiss ever, although he was sure it wasn’t for her. Susanna seemed to know much more about kissing than he did. That was fine. He wasn’t a jealous man. He was a simple man who satisfied himself with the end result. And Susanna was now his frau. That was something Matthew couldn’t say, even if he had kissed Susanna first.
Herman looked toward the kitchen and listened again. It was still silent. Susanna should have been out by now. Should he go and see where she was? Nee, he decided, his thoughts drifting away again. It was best if he gave her time to think through things. This had, after all, been a difficult day for both of them. She would come in when she was ready.
The morning’s kafuffle had troubled him more than he wished. Not that he would change any of his actions. A man had to stand firm on his convictions or his family would end up who knew where. And surely there was going to be a family soon. Susanna would make a wunderbah mother, and he hoped to be a great daett for their children.
They would love each other. He had grown up in a loving family. Daett leading the way in a life that was pleasing to Da Hah, and Mamm supporting him. True, Mamm could be a little bossy sometimes. But all of them stood together against the many temptations the world had to offer. He wanted that kind of home. And from how
Susanna was acting, she did also. Her brief anger had been just a momentary weakness that she was trying to overcome. He could tell, and he was thankful Da Hah had given him a frau he could truly love and cherish. That was a great gift indeed.
Maybe that was why Matthew’s visit troubled him more than he wanted to admit. He didn’t think it would bother him at first, but now he wondered. Did Susanna still have feelings for Matthew? In a way it would be understandable if she did. They had, after all, been together for a long time. Had he been hasty in rushing Susanna into marriage? He didn’t think he had pushed that hard. Yet what did he know about a woman’s heart? Maybe there was more to it than he knew.
And how did Matthew have enough nerve to show up like this—and to speak with Susanna? It sounded like the two had been quite free as they spoke with each other. Not that Susanna really said so, but he could tell by the sound of her voice. They had spoken at length. And about things that would have made him blush had he been there.
She had told Matthew she was married now. Did Susanna sound disappointed when she’d told him? Regretting perhaps that the handsome Matthew couldn’t be her husband? Wishing things had turned out differently? It would have been only natural if she had—and also understandable. But that didn’t mean Susanna had done those things. He must not accuse her regarding a falsehood without proof. Surely Susanna saw the value of life among the community. And she had chosen that life long before he’d made his desire to take her home known. He had made sure of that.
Nee, Herman thought. Even if Matthew had shown up only to try his hand at luring Susanna into the world, it would never work. He was sure enough of Susanna not to worry about that. And surely Matthew didn’t have plans to rejoin the community. Or did he? Susanna would have mentioned that. He would have picked it up in her eyes if she expected to see Matthew again. But there had been none of that.
He really needed to trust Susanna. And he did trust her. But the kitchen was still silent. Laying the magazine aside, he quietly walked to the door opening. Susanna was leaning over the sink, all signs of the dishes gone, but she was still holding the drying cloth in her hands. She seemed fixed on something outside the window.
Susanna's Christmas Wish Page 3