The image of Burn killing Cal loops in my mind, and I fight to block it, using my old tricks for stalling my Deviance. I rub my mom’s ring, I count, I imagine being surrounded in white light. I even recite rules from Haven. None of it works.
I’m glad I’m alive, but grief tugs on my limbs. I’m so tired. Is it from sadness or the aftereffects of the dust?
Every few minutes, either Drake or Jayma glances back to make sure I’m still following. They smile or wave or pretend that they’re looking at the stars, but I know exactly what they’re doing. They think I might run off. I can’t blame them. But I’ve changed since that day four months ago when I found out what I’d done to my mother.
I’m stronger. I know who I am.
We step out of the forest onto a wide expanse of rock. The moonlight highlights veins of mica in the granite—and drifts of dust. I stop and stare.
Inhaling some would give me energy, and I’d recapture the power I felt earlier today. It might even help me forget . . . I take several steps toward a drift, then turn away.
Dad’s holding on to his side. One of his cuts is bleeding again. Olivia walks him over to the dust and scoops some up for him to inhale, and I don’t have the energy to object. But I note that she doesn’t take any herself. Probably already high.
When we get moving again, I have to admit the dust helped Dad. Still, we move slowly. Dad’s route is longer, and it takes all day to walk back to Simcoe. When we get near, the forest thickens again, blocking out the moon, and the blackness closes in on me like a noose.
Dad stops. “We should wait here until the sun comes up.”
“Why?” I just want to drop on a bed. “We’re only a quarter of a mile away.”
“If anyone approaches Simcoe at night, the guards shoot first and ask questions later,” Dad says.
I want to argue—Houston told us it wasn’t safe outside the fences at night—but I’m exhausted. I slump at the base of a tree. “Aren’t there Shredders around here?”
“We’ll take turns keeping watch.” Dad kisses the top of my head and moves away, stopping Olivia from heading farther into the woods. After talking to him for a moment, she sits against a tree, facing back toward us.
“I’ll build a fire,” Drake says, and he and Jayma start gathering wood. My legs won’t move.
Dad returns and crouches down beside me. “You should get some sleep. Olivia’s going to keep watch first.”
“I don’t think I can.” I draw my knees to my chest. And I don’t trust Olivia.
He sits beside me.
Resting my head on his shoulder, I inhale.
My dad’s scent and the sound of his heart take me back inside Haven, back to our small apartment in the Pents. I squeeze my eyes shut as a memory floods in, but it’s not a moment of joy; it’s one of despair.
It’s a memory from the day I killed Mom.
I’m right back in the few hours between when it happened and when the Comps came. Until now, the memory was gone. I forgot how Dad held me. I forgot that I let him and that my heart, so full of pain, was soothed by his closeness, his support, his love.
At the time, I thought he’d killed Mom. Didn’t I? I’m not sure anymore. I do know I spent the next three years building my hatred for him until it nearly consumed me, until distrust and fear took over every decision and move that I made.
But that day I let my dad hold me, and then, like now, his left hand stroked my arm while the fingers of his right drummed his thigh.
“Did you know they’d expunge you?” I ask him.
“What are you talking about?”
“That night. After Mom died. You held me exactly like this. You told me to hide Drake and not to trust anyone. Did you know what was going to happen?”
“I had a pretty good idea. But everything turned out better than I expected.”
I raise my head. “Better?”
“So much better.” He squeezes me tighter. “I never thought I’d see you or Drake again. I thought I was going to die. I certainly never thought we’d be reunited as a family, or that I’d find my sister. And now I’ve gotten her out of that camp for good.”
I want to tell him what Olivia did to Jayma. How she tried to get us to stay at the Shredder camp. How she fed me dust, hoping to start an addiction. But I don’t. What good would it do? Olivia’s actions won’t stop Dad from loving his sister—even if they should.
The fire sparks to life, and Drake and Jayma move to the other side of it. Drake leans against a rock, and Jayma lies down on pine needles nearby. He motions for her to move closer, and she smiles softly as she slides over and rests her head on his leg.
Seeing them together should make me happy, but instead, it makes me think of Scout and Cal. Both brothers are dead. And for what? Hot tears fill my eyes, and I don’t brush them away.
I stare into the flames as the fire consumes the pine boughs and then dies down.
My father’s breathing grows heavy. He’s fallen asleep, but my mind won’t stop racing, won’t let me rest.
I killed my own mother, but what Burn did today wasn’t an accident. He purposefully threw Cal into that pit. Is this how Zina feels about what Burn did to her brother?
Noise comes from the bushes.
I slide out from under my father’s arm. He snorts but doesn’t wake. Drake is slumped over Jayma. Both are sleeping. The slight glow from the embers doesn’t penetrate far into the darkness, and I can’t see Olivia. I creep forward to investigate.
Burn steps from behind a tree. He’s back to his normal self and still carrying Morag.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper.
He doesn’t look up. “I couldn’t leave her with the Shredders.”
He carefully sets down Morag’s body. Her clothes are darkened with blood, and the shoulder of his coat looks wet. He crouches beside her, his head in his hands, and for an instant I want to take him in my arms.
Olivia steps up beside me. “You heading back to the camp?” she asks Burn.
He doesn’t answer.
“You know it’s where you belong,” Olivia says.
Burn shakes his head. “I don’t belong anywhere.”
“Well, I’m heading back,” she says.
“What?” I ask through clenched teeth.
She shrugs. “Back at the camp, I told Hector I’d walk with you to Simcoe. Listen to him ramble on. That’s all.”
“I can’t believe you.”
She puts a hand on her hip. “What don’t you believe?”
“I don’t believe you’re related to my dad, never mind his twin. You’re nothing alike.”
“And? What’s your point?”
“Dad risked his life for you. He loves you. Nothing is more important to him than family. Now that we’re together, you’re taking off? Don’t you know that he’ll just try to find you again? He can’t bear to know that you’re out there with those Shredders.”
“Those Shredders?” She smirks. “What do you think I am?”
“You know you’re not as far gone as most of them. You know that you could get off the dust if you tried, if you wanted to.” I glare at her. “It would be easier on Dad if you were fully addicted. He might be able to write you off if you had no part of your humanity left. But instead, you’re teasing him. Tempting him to help you and then spitting in his face when he does.”
Olivia shifts her weight to her other leg. I can tell my words struck a chord.
“It’s not his fault your Deviance was discovered by Management and his wasn’t. It’s not his fault you were expunged. Don’t you think he’d turn back time and trade places with you if he could?”
She stares at me.
“Glory.” Dad is standing a few feet away. “Go easy on her. She’s been through a lot.”
My cheeks burn with anger. “She’s not worth it, Dad.”
“Olivia,” he says, “please don’t leave yet. Let’s talk.”
I want to tell Dad that he should never talk to her again, bu
t instead, I watch as the two of them head farther into the woods.
“I get it,” Burn says.
“Get what?”
He’s still crouching above his mother’s body. “Can you make sure Morag’s buried in the Simcoe cemetery? Jayma can carry her body the rest of the way.” He stands. “I heard you loud and clear. You never have to see me again.”
“I don’t understand.” My voice shakes as I look at Burn.
“I heard what you said to Olivia. Everything she did to your dad, to your family—I’ve done the same to you.”
“I wasn’t talking about you.”
He turns to face me. “Every time you’re ready to give up on me, every time you have a chance of being happy, I ruin it.”
Wind rustles the boughs above us. He’s right. He did ruin it, and this time it can’t be fixed.
“I’m sorry.” He backs away. “About Cal.”
“Why did you do it?” My throat is tight and barely releases the words.
“I don’t know,” he says so quietly I can hardly hear him. “I was so angry.”
“At Cal? Why?” I want him to give me an explanation, one I can accept. “Tell me. What happened?”
His shoulders rise and then drop. He looks up at me, and the pain on his face tears into me. I wish I could tell him that it’s okay and that I forgive him no matter what—but it’s not true.
Burn rubs his temple. “I remember being angry. I remember throwing him, but—”
“Were you jealous because he hugged me? Did you guys argue? Have you been pretending to like him?”
“It wasn’t like that.” His hand’s shaking as he rakes his hair back.
“Then tell me. What was it like to kill my friend?”
“I only have . . .”—he shakes his head—“. . . impressions. I remember lifting him, throwing him. But something—”
“What? What can you possibly say to explain killing Cal?”
His gaze meets mine, and we stand looking at each other for a long time. My Gift tingles behind my eyes, but I keep it in control. As angry as I am, I don’t want to hurt him.
“It doesn’t matter.” He turns away.
I watch as he disappears into the woods, his gait heavy, his shoulders slumped.
When I can’t see him any longer, something fractures inside me—a crack so deep and wide I know it will never heal. It expands the wound that was left when I learned that I’d killed my mother, and the ache spreads until it’s in my bones, weighting every cell in my body. I want to lie down and give myself up to the pain. But I can’t. I won’t.
“What’s going on?” Drake steps up beside me. “What’s Morag’s body doing here?”
Trembling, I turn to him. Drake hugs me and I hold on tight.
When I raise my head from Drake’s shoulder, Dad’s standing there and I pull him into our embrace. Family. That’s how I’ll find the strength to bear this.
I lift my head to see that Olivia didn’t leave after all. She’s watching us and rubbing her bare forearm. The flesh bleeds.
“Stop that!” Dad grabs her arm, and she looks down at it as if she didn’t realize what she was doing.
“Okay,” she says to Dad. “I’ll do it.”
“Olivia,” he says, “you’re going to be okay. You’ll see.”
“Do what?” I ask.
“Renewal at Simcoe,” Dad says.
Drake raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.
“Is it possible to recover after so many years?” I ask. “Completely?”
“Others have. Look at Morag.”
“She’s dead,” Olivia says coldly.
“Morag’s not the only one who died today.” I drop my head.
Dad puts his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s go back to the fire.”
We add more branches to the embers, and I stay between Dad and Drake as we sit. Jayma’s on Drake’s other side. Olivia sits by herself and leans back as she watches me through the sparks.
“Burn brought Morag’s body?” Dad asks me. “Did you talk to him?”
I nod.
“Did he explain what happened?”
“He remembers doing it. It wasn’t an accident.”
“That doesn’t sound like Burn,” Dad says. “I’ve known him longer than you have. I’ll bet it was an accident.”
“Killing that blond kid?” Olivia says. “Oh, he did it on purpose.”
“Shut up!” I yell. “You don’t know either of them. You have no idea what happened.”
“I saw what happened.” She leans forward. “I saw the whole thing. Did you?”
“What did you see?” I ask, my voice rising. “Tell me.” I only saw the last moment.
“I’ll tell you,” she says, “if you stop yelling.”
I’m breathing so hard my chest hurts. I don’t think I can trust one thing that comes out of my aunt’s mouth, but if she saw what happened, I want to hear it. “Well?” I say. “What did you see? Why did Burn attack Cal?”
“Burn didn’t attack Cal,” she answers. “It was the other way around.”
“Why would Cal do that?” Dad asks.
Olivia shrugs. “I only know what I saw. Cal was jabbing Burn with a spear, provoking him, distracting him as he tried to fight the Shredders.”
“You must have seen it wrong,” Drake says. “I’m sure Cal was trying to help Burn.”
“What I saw,” Olivia says, “was Cal trying to force Burn over the edge of the pit. I can’t blame the big guy for what he did. I would’ve tossed the kid over, too.”
“Burn could have disarmed Cal,” I say. “Easily. He didn’t need to kill him.”
“From where I sat, your Cal got what was coming to him,” Olivia says. “He should’ve known better than to poke a raging beast.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
DAD TAKES A long drink of water and then sets the ceramic mug on the table in the central hall of Simcoe. Olivia is in Houston’s office, no doubt arguing that she should start her renewal at Stage Two or Three. Frankly, she’s lucky that the guards let her into Simcoe at all. They tried to toss her straight into the Stage One pen until Dad, and then Houston, intervened.
Caroline started in Stage Three, having passed the interview questions, and according to Houston, she’s making great progress already. We all slept most of yesterday after burying Morag.
“You should go back to the settlement,” Dad says to Drake and me. “Olivia and I will join you as soon as we’ve finished the program.”
I stare at my father. “What do you mean by ‘we’?”
Dad’s jaw twitches. “I’m entering renewal, too.”
I rise out of my seat. “But you’re not a Shredder.”
He puts his hand over mine. “I took in a lot of dust at that camp. I have no idea how much. Once they strung me up on those chains, they alternated between hurting me and healing me with dust. I couldn’t concentrate enough to use my Gift. Some time in renewal will do me good.”
Fighting tears, I interlock our fingers. “I’m so sorry, Dad. Drake and I will stay here until you’re done.”
“No need.” He attempts a smile.
“I’m going back to Concord,” Drake says. “Then on to Haven.”
“No, you’re not,” I tell him. “The FA unit is long gone.”
A door opens, and a group of children tumble through, laughing and shrieking and heading for the main door out of the building. I spot Burn’s half brother. Does the boy know yet that he’s lost his mom? He wasn’t there when we buried her.
“I’m going to Haven,” Drake says over the noise. “Even if the unit left without us, I’ll catch up. I know how Haven works and I know the layout. They need me.”
“Your family needs you,” I say. “You should stay with me and Dad—and Aunt Olivia. Besides, if you go fight in Haven, who will watch out for Jayma?”
“I’m going with him,” Jayma says from across the table.
“What?”
“I need to do my part,” she sa
ys. “We need to take Management down. And my parents are still in Haven. They think I’m dead.”
My heart feels as if it’s being stretched in ten directions. Part of me wants to go to Haven, but even more, I want to stay with Dad. Why can’t anything be easy? I run my finger along the grain of the tabletop.
“Stay here.” Drake rests his hand on my back. “You did your part for the FA already.”
The day Cal and I escaped from Haven, I was determined to return and kill Mrs. Kalin. Have I become a coward? Is it selfish to care more about my family than about bringing down Management? I know more about Mrs. Kalin than anybody, and if she’s still running things inside Haven . . .
But I do not want to take part in a war. The things the FA and the rebels were doing—bombs, sabotage, hurting innocent people—I want no part of it.
Houston and Olivia walk up to the table. My aunt looks calmer, softer. Her hair, no longer matted, is a lot like mine except it has more curls. I can see even more of our family, even more of Dad, in her features.
“Olivia’s ready to go in,” Houston says. “We’ve agreed that she’ll start in Stage Two.” He turns to Olivia. “But one sign of trouble and you’re off to the Stage One enclosure.”
“Don’t worry,” my aunt says. “I’m highly motivated.” She looks at me as she says this and nods. I want to believe that she means it. I want to believe that she listened to my dad and heard what I said to her in the woods last night.
“I know you can do it, Liv,” Dad says. “I’m going to spend some time in Stage Three, and Glory and I will be here waiting for you when you’re done.”
“I’ll visit you both,” I say. “Every day. I’ll be here to support you. Cheer you on.” This is where I’m most needed.
“Wait a minute,” Houston says. “There are no visitors during renewal.”
“Why?” I ask.
“We’ve found it to be counterproductive. There’s no point in your staying here. But you’re welcome to, if that’s what you want.”
I sit down, confused again. I don’t want to stay here all alone.
“Olivia,” Houston says, “it’s time to go.” Two large men approach and take her arms.
“Good luck,” Drake says.
I go over to Olivia and whisper, “Don’t blow it. If you break Dad’s heart, I’ll kill you. You know I can.”
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