“But Larsson told us she’s never out in the open,” I say.
“I’ll take you in,” Larsson says to me. “It’s risky, but Glory might be our only chance. If Kalin agrees to see anyone, it’ll be her.”
“Then we’ll mount a team to take you in.” Cal turns to the crowd. “Who will volunteer?”
About a dozen people raise their hands, including Jayma and my brother.
“Where is everyone else?” Larsson asks. “We need combat-trained fighters. Ever since the wall around Haven was breached, the Shredders have spread. There’s no way to get to the tunnels without crossing over Shredder-infested territory.”
“You and Cal got out,” Drake says.
“Barely,” Larsson replies as Gwen unties his wrists. “And we had a tank for part of the way. It ran out of fuel.”
“This is everyone,” I tell him. “Most people, especially the ones who could fight, already went to Haven with the FA.”
“If this is it”—Larsson scans the volunteers—“our top priority is protecting Glory. We can’t let the Shredders take her.”
“When do we leave?” Cal asks.
“Tomorrow at dawn,” Larsson says.
I scan the room for Burn and spot him leaving the Hall.
By the time I’m out of the building, he’s walking up the road through Concord. He rounds a bend and disappears behind a building. When I follow, I find him waiting, leaning against a wooden rail and staring up the road.
“Are you heading to Haven alone?” I ask. “Don’t.”
“That’s not where I’m going.”
“Why did you run off?”
“I’ll help you get to Haven.”
“Thank you.” I step closer, but he stares at the ground, refusing to look at me.
“Isn’t it great about Cal?” I reach for him, but it’s like he’s wearing a huge “Do Not Touch” sign.
“I’m glad he’s not dead,” Burn says to the ground.
“You don’t sound it. Don’t you see what this means?”
“It means Cal is alive.”
“It means more than that.” I put my hand lightly on his back.
He twitches. “No, it doesn’t.”
“Of course it does, Burn. Everything has changed. Zina was trying to kill you. My aunt saw the whole thing. Zina was trying to force you off the cliff. It wasn’t your fault. You were defending yourself.”
“You’re missing the point.” His voice is cold. “When I tossed Zina into that pit, I thought it was Cal. The fact that it turned out to be Zina doesn’t change what I did. When I threw rocks at my mother, I knew who she was, too. And most importantly, it doesn’t change how you feel about me.”
“How I feel? What do you mean? I love you.”
“No. You want to, but you don’t.” His gaze flicks up for an instant, and the sadness in his eyes nearly crushes me. “Your reaction proved it. You couldn’t forgive me.”
“Burn—”
He raises his hand. “I know that you want it to be okay between us. You want it to be safe, but it isn’t. You’ll never feel safe around me and you know it.”
“No, Burn.”
“Admit it. Your reaction showed the truth.”
“I was in shock. I should have known it was self-defense. I should have known it wasn’t Cal. That day was so crazy. I wasn’t thinking clearly.” I slide my hand onto his chest over his heart.
He leans into my hand. “None of that matters. I can’t be trusted not to kill my allies. You know I’ve done it before.”
I slide my hand up to his neck. “You were defending yourself that day, too. My dad told me that Andreas was about to shoot you.”
“Doesn’t make him less dead.” His head drops forward.
“Burn,” I whisper. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I wish you could see the gentle, strong man who’s pure goodness inside, who’d do anything for someone he loves.”
He doesn’t respond, but I can feel the heat of his breath on my neck. His pulse beats hard under my hand, and every inch of my body feels connected to him. I can’t lose him. I won’t.
I tip my face up to kiss him.
He jumps back. “Don’t.”
“Why?” My voice breaks. “What more do you want from me? I trust you. I promise. I thought you’d killed someone I’ve loved my whole life. I’m sorry that I didn’t forgive you the second it happened.”
“That’s not the only reason I can’t kiss you.”
“Then what is it, Burn? What? Tell me!”
“I’m afraid!” he shouts. “Okay? I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid that I’ll hurt you. Afraid that I’ll kill you.”
“You won’t.”
“You should be with Cal. Why keep—” He cuts himself off and shakes his head.
“I told you! I don’t want Cal. Not since the first day I met you. I want you, Burn.”
He turns away from me and walks up the hill.
“Where are you going?” I yell. “Don’t go stomping off. We’re leaving for Haven in the morning.”
“I know,” he says over his shoulder. “Don’t leave without me. I’ll meet you at dawn on the other side of the ridge.”
He heads off for the pass at a run.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I SCAN OUR ragtag team gathered together under the early dawn light. We may be only a small group, and we might not be trained soldiers, but we’re armed with sharp weapons, a few guns, and our Gifts. Drake’s the youngest.
Larsson checks his Aut gun—the most powerful weapon we have—and then stows it in the holster strapped on his back. “Ready?”
“Yes, sir,” Cal says, and Larsson sets off up the hill.
Drake checks the straps on Jayma’s backpack before they start. Cal takes up the rear and I fall in beside him, walking slowly to put a little distance between us and the group.
Carrying way more than his share, Cal adjusts his pack full of weapons and provisions.
“Are you scared?” he asks.
“Completely.” I turn to him and grin. “But this has to be done. I should have killed her the first time I had the chance.”
“Hey,” Cal says, “don’t beat yourself up for that! Nobody who’s sane ever wants to kill. Plus, she was messing with your mind. She was trying to replace your mother. She had you convinced that she loved you.”
“Thanks. I’ll be stronger this time.” I just have to keep her out of my mind.
Ahead of us, Jayma picks up a rock to put in her pack. I want to tell her that she’ll find plenty of objects to throw when she needs them, but I guess it’s better if she’s prepared, and the extra weight doesn’t bother her. I’d guess her pack is already double her weight.
“Where’s Burn?” Cal asks. “I thought he’d come with us.”
“He’s going to meet us.”
“Did you guys work everything out?”
“No. And I’m starting to wonder if we ever will.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
My stomach flips. “Why?” The idea of them talking about me . . .
He cracks his knuckles. “I could tell him that I forgive him for killing me—in a way. And I can make sure he understands that there’s nothing between you and me anymore.”
“That’s a nice offer. Really.” My feelings for Cal might be sisterly, but I do still love him, and I wish there was something I could do to erase the hurt I caused. “But I’m not sure anything you say will make a difference. It’s me who let him down.”
Cal raises his eyebrows. “How did you let him down?”
“It’s how I acted when I thought he’d killed you. He thinks it means I’ll never trust him.”
He rubs his chin for a moment. “Oh. That’s rough.”
We march along in silence, listening to the voices ahead of us. The fading stars form patterns in the sky, and I understand why some people BTD believed that the stars held answers.
I wis
h I knew how to read them. I could use some guidance right now.
I take a sip of water. “Cal, do you know how you got Mrs. Kalin’s thoughts out of your mind?”
“At first I thought that they wore off over time, but I’m not sure anymore.”
“We need to figure it out.”
Cal waves at a little kid at the side of the road as we pass. “I think my head cleared on the walk to Concord—after we left the tank. After I took off my mask.”
“You think it might have been the dust that helped you?”
He shrugs. “I’m not positive. I wish I were.”
“So do I.” The odds are stacked against us in so many ways. Even if our small group can get to the dome without being captured by Shredders, even if we can get safely inside, even if we can avoid being brainwashed ourselves, even if I succeed in killing Mrs. Kalin—according to Larsson, nearly everyone inside Haven is under her control.
Like Larsson said, it’s hard to reason with a large group who all believe the same thing. We might get rid of Mrs. Kalin’s influence, but they might still influence one another.
We pass under the lookout tower just as the sun starts to rise, then move quickly down the ridge. At the bottom, I scan the trees lining the clearing. Larsson keeps walking and the others follow.
“Wait!” I yell. “We need to wait for Burn.”
Drake shades his eyes from the rising sun. “Do we know for sure that he’s coming?”
“He said he’d be here. It’s barely dawn.”
Larsson strides back toward us. “We can’t afford to wait. Daylight’s the safest time to travel.”
My heart slams against my ribs. What if I never see Burn again? I can’t leave things the way they are now. “We need Burn. He can defend us if we run into Shredders, and he knows all the secret routes through the tunnels.”
“I know the tunnels,” Larsson says. “I am a Comp, remember?”
“If the Comps know the tunnels so well, how come Burn was able to get in and out of Haven so often?”
“The Comps can’t patrol every tunnel every minute.” Larsson frowns, and I flash back to how cruel he was during Comp training. “That doesn’t mean we don’t know about them.”
“Hey, look!” Jayma points toward the forest.
Burn is leading a group of Shredders. At least fifty of them. Larsson pulls out his Aut.
“No!” I yell. “Wait.” Houston is next to Burn, and I recognize some other faces from Simcoe.
Burn has assembled an army of recovered Shedders to help us get to Haven.
“Someone better explain this,” Cal says when they get closer.
“We need numbers.” Burn gestures to the group. “Glory gave me the idea.”
“I did?”
“These people were Shredders,” he says. “But they aren’t anymore. They don’t breathe dust anymore. They’re on our side.”
“I don’t know,” Cal says.
Houston steps up beside Burn. “Look, if you don’t want our help—”
“We need your help.” I walk over to shake Houston’s hand, then turn back to our group. “We can’t do this without them.”
“I think I’ve seen everything now.” Larsson lowers his gun. “Let’s go.”
We walk through the day and most of the night. Twice we come across small groups of Shredders, but Houston and the others from Simcoe fight them off.
Larsson and Burn are walking at the front of the group, and they stop at the edge of a forest.
“After we clear these trees,” Burn says, “we’ll be exposed. We should wait here until morning.”
“I agree,” Larsson says. “The Shredder population will go up from here on.”
As everyone prepares to settle down for what’s left of the night, I walk over and look out onto the vast expanse of dust-covered land. Remnants of ruins poke out in a few places, but most evidence of life around here BTD has either decayed or been salvaged.
The air is chilly and I rub my arms. Houston and two from his group have taken up guard positions, and I turn back to join the others. Most are already sleeping. It looks like Jayma collapsed immediately. Drake is sitting cross-legged behind her, struggling to keep awake.
I wander over to them and whisper in his ear, “Go to sleep. Jayma’s safe.”
He tugs my hand and pulls me down to sit next to him. “Do you really think you can kill Kalin?”
“I do.” I wish I were as sure as I sound.
He leans his shoulder into mine. “It’s going to be strange to be back inside Haven.”
“You’re not going inside,” I say. “Too risky. One glance at a screen and you’ll be brainwashed.”
“I won’t look at the screens.” Drake gazes at our sleeping friend. “Jayma’s parents are inside. She’s determined to go in.”
“You two can wait outside until Mrs. Kalin is dead.”
“I doubt Jayma will wait,” Drake says. “And if she goes in, I’m going with her.”
“One way or another, you should get some rest.”
He stretches out on the ground near Jayma, turning to face her as if he plans to guard her in his sleep.
Cal is propped up against a rock, and when I catch his eye, he waves. I nod, then weave through sleeping bodies until I spot Burn. He’s standing near the forest, facing into the distance.
The tangy scent of pine needles rises with each of my footsteps, and when I’m about ten feet away, Burn looks at me. His face is in the shadows, but I can sense the heat of his gaze on my body.
I step up next to him. As we stand there, our bodies pull toward each other. Our hands brush, and I draw a deep breath.
“You sure about this?” he asks.
“Yes.” I’m not just talking about the mission.
“You don’t have to do it, you know.”
“I know—but I’m doing it.”
He nods. “I’ll take you as far as I can.”
“Thank you.” I know that he understands why I have to take this risk, why I need to be the one to kill Mrs. Kalin. He’s the only one who hasn’t tried to talk me out of it.
I gently slide the back of my hand against his, marveling at how the slight contact ripples inside me. “How are you doing?” I ask him.
“I’m fine.” He moves his hand away.
“Cal forgives you, you know.”
He grunts.
“Burn—”
“He told me.” Burn exhales heavily. “Cal’s a good guy.”
“I know. But I want to be with you.”
“Do you think you can always get what you want?”
“Of course not.”
He doesn’t respond and I can’t take the silence. “Burn, I’m sorry about how I reacted.”
“I know. I get it.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I told you.”
I cup his face and bring it around to mine. “Look into my eyes,” I say. “Any time you’re afraid, all you need to do is look into my eyes.”
He leans toward me and I can feel the desire building inside him. I know he wants to kiss me as badly as I want to kiss him, but he’s afraid.
He looks down. “You can’t use your Deviance on me tonight. You can’t risk it.”
“I can sense when a headache starts,” I tell him. “I can feel it building. If it does, I’ll stop. There’s no reason to be afraid. I can keep you from changing.”
Hope flashes in his eyes and it fuels my own. I have no idea if I can do what I claimed, but I want Burn to believe that I can. “You said I’d never be able to trust you again,” I continue. “Let me show you that I trust you. Show me that you trust me.”
Rising on my toes, I slide my hand up his neck and into his hair. A tremor grows inside me as he slowly relaxes his neck to let his lips drop toward mine.
He pulls back. “This won’t work. We can’t keep eye contact while we’re kissing. If I lose control, you can’t stop me.”
I stroke his neck. “I’ll sense it if you start
to change. So will you. We’ll make eye contact and I’ll calm you down. Trust me. Trust yourself. Don’t be afraid.”
He bends down to kiss me, and something inside me explodes. When our kiss deepens, the detonation expands, touching every part of me as his hands roam my body, and mine his. My senses muddled, I can no longer tell where I stop and he starts. Burn’s become part of my bones, my muscles, my heart.
In his arms I feel safe; I feel home; I feel loved. I wrap my legs around his waist, and I realize that at some point he lifted me.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Definitely.”
Pressing my back against a tree trunk, he kisses my face, my neck, my lips. Then once again, he pulls away to look into my eyes.
I brush his hair from his face. “Everything’s fine,” I say softly. “I told you we’d be okay.”
As we look into each other’s eyes, the heat and hardness of his body press into mine, igniting more sparks, but a tiny amount of fear invades.
I’m not afraid that he’ll kill me—I’m afraid of the power and intensity of all that I’m feeling. I’m afraid I’ll lose him. I’m afraid this will be the last time I’ll be in his arms.
“You two should get some sleep.” Houston’s voice comes from behind us, and Burn’s body tenses against mine.
He carefully releases me, and I slide down until my feet touch the ground, my back still against the tree. I should probably be embarrassed but I’m not.
Houston steps forward into a beam of moonlight. “I’m serious,” he says. “Sleep. Now. Tomorrow is going to be rough enough as it is.”
Burn takes my hand. We find a clear spot, lie down on the pine needles, and I fall asleep, warm and safe in his arms.
Chapter Thirty
BURN STANDS CLOSE to me, and we stare up the ladder leading from the tunnel—the same ladder that Burn, Drake, and I came down when we first escaped Haven. The ladder leads to a storage room in the corridors behind Management’s shopping mall.
Larsson went up to make sure the coast is clear. Burn, Drake, Cal, Jayma, and I are waiting here, and the rest of our group is guarding the entrance to the tunnels and fending off Shredders. We haven’t seen any trace of Comps, which leaves me with an uneasy feeling. Every second that Larsson’s gone makes me question whether we were right to trust him. And if I’m feeling that way . . .
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