by Dez Burke
“You still don’t get it, Jasalyn,” I told her.
“You always say that and I think I’m beginning to get it. It was bad. I know, baby, I know.” She forced me to look at her. “But I won’t let the past steal you from me. You’re here with me.”
“It can’t steal me from you.”
“Yes, it can and it does. It pulls you off into some hell and I can’t follow. All I can do is sit out here and try to get you to come back to me.” Tears of frustration fell onto her cheeks.
“I don’t want you to see it, Jasalyn! You don’t know what I’ve seen, what I’ve done!”
“Then tell me! Damn it! I love you! I want to help you! There’s nothing you can tell me that’s going to make me feel any different about you!” She screamed at me, shaking with emotion.
So I told her. I placed my head against her breasts and told her each and every memory as they came to me. I told her the very horrors I never wanted her to know, but once I started speaking I found I couldn’t stop. I told her about every person I had watched die, American, Iraqi, soldiers and villagers. I told her about the people I had to kill, the friends I had lost, about the times I thought I was going to die. How I thought I was never going to see American soil again. Tears ran down my cheeks as I told her, but I was beyond caring. All I wanted was to be free of Iraq, the army, and everything to do with the damnable war I had been through.
I fell asleep still talking about it, but it didn’t haunt my dreams. I didn’t dream at all for the rest of the night.
Chapter 24: Jasalyn
Hearing Alex talk changed my opinion of him, but for the better. As I listened to one horror after another, I realized just how much he had been through. It was worse than I could have ever imagined. I cried as Alex told me about his time in Iraq. I cried for the people he spoke of, but more than that I cried for him.
It’s hard for me to imagine my sweet Alex, over there in that Godforsaken country, in a war that still doesn’t make sense to me. The Alex I’ve come to know and love, is happy and a goofball, even if he is a little on edge. I felt bad for getting frustrated with him tonight, but Mama always told me some times you have to push people into doing what they need to do. Alex needed to talk about it.
The next morning we stayed in bed for a long time. Alex didn’t say much and I didn’t try to make him. I wondered if he was angry at me for pushing him so hard the night before. Had I hurt him more than I knew? Had Mama’s advice broken what we were trying to build?
“I’m sorry,” I told him, not knowing what else to say.
“Don’t be.” He shook his head. “I didn’t want you to know about that stuff. I really didn’t. Jasalyn, you’re so strong, but you’re also so kind and good. I didn’t want my life in Iraq to warp your sense of security.”
“It didn’t,” I said, looking him in the eye. “It didn’t. I knew Iraq was bad. War is always ugly, and I knew that, Alex. I knew that before I asked. You just needed to talk about it.”
“You’re right.” He nodded. “I did, but I didn’t want to.”
“Are you mad at me, Alex?”
“No, you did what you thought was right.” He headed into the bathroom and shut the door.
I waited until I heard the shower come on before I sobbed. My chest was tight and the tears wouldn’t stop coming. I buried my face into my pillow and just let my confusion and pain soak into the pillow case. I hadn’t meant to hurt him. I knew after work today I would end up at Mama’s. I hated to throw my pain onto her shoulders, because I knew she was working hard on her own relationship with Daddy, but I didn’t know where else to turn. Part of me wanted to join Alex in the shower, but I was afraid to. I wasn’t sure I could look him in the eyes while knowing how upset he was.
Chapter 25: Alex
I wasn’t sure why I was angry. I knew I hadn’t wanted to tell Jasalyn about Iraq, because I wanted to keep her mind free from the horrors I’d seen. She hadn’t really forced me to talk about it. I mean she might have been pushy, but it’s not like she put a gun to my head.
I had begun to hate the feeling of anger constantly toiling around in my gut. It made me physically sick sometimes. At times it felt like the anger was consuming me whole.
I wondered what last night really meant? When Jasalyn cut the bonds holding me free, I felt free from my past for the first time since arriving home. Why the hell did the nightmares have to choose that very moment to return?
I didn’t expect Jasalyn to make my life perfect. Hell, I didn’t expect anyone to do that. The idea was just as crazy as the government expecting the military to change Iraq into a modern democratic utopia. It wasn’t going to happen. Perfection didn’t exist. Last night had served as a reminder of that.
My fists balled at my sides as I stood under the water. I wanted to punch something, but didn’t have the energy. I knew that Jasalyn needed to shower before work so I hurried up.
She was waiting by the door when I came out. She didn’t say a word, just grabbed me and kissed me deeply. I touched her face and looked into her eyes before walking away. I needed time to think. I didn’t want to say hateful things to her. She wasn’t the one I was angry at, it was myself. How could I have told her those awful things? How could I have been so stupid? Sure for a few moments it made me feel better to get it all off of my chest, but now she would be stuck with those images the same as I was.
I jumped into my truck and started the engine. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, but I knew I had to get away for awhile. For a few hours I drove aimlessly around town, but that only made me feel more restless. I drove through the hospital parking lot to check for Jasalyn’s car. I wanted to make sure she arrived at work safely. I sighed in relief when I spotted her walking across the parking lot towards the hospital’s second building, which held the cafeteria. Was it already lunch time? I looked at the clock on the radio and saw that it was. I wasn’t sure how it could be noon already, but then again reality was slipping away from me.
I pulled the truck onto the highway and headed towards the lake. The drive soothed me. It was just me, my truck, and the open road. The road wasn’t judgmental. It didn’t care how many times I had fucked up. It welcomed me back every time I arrived.
The lake was nearly surrounded with couples with young children. I parked on the far side under the trees. This area of the parking lot was usually empty, except for late evenings and nights when teenagers would use it for make-out sessions.
Part of me longed for the days when I was one of those kids. I missed it in an odd sort of way. It was before I enlisted, before Iraq, when I didn’t know what hell really was. At the same time though, I didn’t want that life back. Jasalyn was my life now and I definitely wanted her in my future.
I sat by the lake a long time thinking. I allowed myself to become submerged in my thoughts, to let them pass by without feeling them. I felt numb from the blows I had delivered to myself the night before. I leaned against an oak tree until I drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
Chapter 26: Jasalyn
I swung by Mama’s after work, but she was heading out with Daddy to dinner with an old army buddy of his. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how much I needed her advice. I lied and told them I just stopped by to say hello and ask for Mama’s peanut butter fudge recipe. I could tell by the way Mama looked at me that she knew something was wrong, but she left well-enough alone, and I was grateful. I didn’t want to ruin her evening. I hadn’t seen her and Daddy look so happy in a long time. Once again, my parent’s relationship inspired my hopes and dreams. I was so glad to see they were finally working through their problems.
I arrived home to an empty apartment. I paced the floors as the evening wore on and there was still no sign of Alex. There was no answer when I tried his cell. Maybe he was out with his buddies getting trashed? Or maybe he was still angry at me? I ate dinner alone and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up and he still wasn’t home, I called into work with an excuse that I was sick. I showered and began to vi
sit all of his haunts. I went to every place he had ever taken me around town. I went to his friend’s home to ask if they had seen him. I even drove to the park where we had talked the day of the barbeque. Alex was nowhere to be found.
I thought about calling Riley, but he and Tina were out of town for the week visiting her relatives. She was pregnant and wanted to tell her parents the good news in person. I couldn’t bring myself to ruin their good spirits. I didn’t know for sure Alex wasn’t safe, maybe he just left because I had pushed him too far with my incessant questions, and he didn’t want to be with me any longer.
I forced the thought from my mind. The words he spoke to me last night as we made love were real. I could hear it in his voice, and feel it in my soul. Taking a deep breath, I started the engine. There was one more person I could ask before I headed out to the lake. If he wasn’t at either of those places I didn’t have a damn clue where he could be, unless he took off to see his Mom in Colorado.
Chapter 27: Alex
I woke up as the sun began to rise. There was something comforting about being surrounded by nature. A voice nagged in the back of my head that I should had at least called Jasalyn to let her know that I was okay. After taking a quick piss in the woods I headed towards my truck to check my phone. I flipped it opened and pressed the power button, but nothing happened. It was dead.
“Damn it to hell!” I yelled, slamming my fist against the steering wheel.
The horn rang out through the peaceful morning sending birds and squirrels running for cover. In vain I searched through the glove box for the phone’s car charger, although I knew it was still at home in its box. I had never taken to using it, because I never turned my phone on while I was driving. I had always thought it was a pretty stupid thing to do, and I didn’t plan on dying just to use my phone.
Thoughts about breakfast and Jasalyn danced through my mind, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the serenity of the lake yet. If I was honest with myself, it was going to be damn difficult to go back and face Jasalyn after being such a dick.
I spent the morning walking around the lake watching the fish and the geese. There was even a few mallard ducks mixed in with them. I let myself believe for awhile that I wasn’t the soldier who had been shipped off to Iraq and returned shattered and broken. That life belonged to someone else, not me.
Chapter 28: Jasalyn
I chewed my lip as I pulled into Stan’s driveway. I had hated Alex’s father since the first and only time I had met him, but this was the last place I knew to look for Alex. I knew that he would’ve had to felt pretty desperate to talk to his father, but I didn’t want to take a chance of overlooking information just because I hated the bastard.
I rang the doorbell and waited with my arms crossed. When Stan opened the door I stepped back in shock. He looked dirty and unkempt. Nothing like the rich, well put together asshole who had insulted me in my own home.
“What do you want?” he asked, narrowing his eyes and taking a threatening step toward me.
“Alex is missing!” I blurted out, almost bursting into tears.
“What do you mean missing?” He crossed his arms over his stained white t-shirt.
“He didn’t come home last night. No one has seen him. I’m worried about him, Stan. He doesn’t do this. It’s not like him to disappear and not let me know where he is for this long. He’s been going through some rough stuff lately.”
“Are you sure he hasn’t found some new trollop to whore around with?” His voice grew colder with every word.
“God dammit Stan! Listen here, I don’t have time for this!” I tried not to raise my voice. “I’m worried about Alex! You might not be, but I am. I love him. So, I won’t waste any more of your precious time. Have a good day, Stan! No wonder your son thinks you’re such an asshole.”
I turned on my heels and stomped off down the driveway. That man was so insufferable that I wanted to punch him square in the nose!
“Wait!” he yelled after me.
“What now?” I asked, turning around.
“Have you checked out at the lake?”
“That’s where I’m headed now,” I said, putting my hands on my hips. “Why? Do you think he might be there?”
“I’ll go with you,” he offered. “Come inside a second and wait while I hurry and get dressed.”
I wasn’t too keen on going inside his house and being alone with him. The man had already proven to me that he had violent tendencies, so I opted to wait in the car. While I waited on Stan, I called Mama. I told her everything that had happened, and how I was waiting on Alex’s dad then we were going together to look for him.
“Is that safe, baby?”
“I think so, Mama,” I told her, even though I had some serious doubts myself.
“You call me when you get there. I want to know you’re okay. If I don’t hear back from you in a few hours I’m gonna send your Daddy out to look for you!”
“I’ll call you when we get there, Mama. I just hope Alex is there and that he’s okay.”
“He’ll be alright, baby,” she assured me. “You just remember to call me. I know you’re worried about him, but I’m worried about you. You might be grown, but you’re still my daughter.”
“I love you, Mama,” I said ending the conversation.
“I love you too, baby.”
I was quiet for a moment as I waited for her to hangup, but she didn’t. We sat there listening to the static between us until I saw Stan coming out of the house.
“He’s ready, Mama, I gotta go,” I told her quickly.
“Okay, baby, you just be careful!”
“I will, Mama, I promise,” I assured her and hung up the phone.
An awkward silence swirled around the car as I drove towards the lake. I was thankful that Stan had decided to come with me since I wasn’t totally sure of the way there. I hadn’t driven the route before and I had only been there once with Alex. Stan must have realized this too, because he only spoke when I needed to make a turn.
I longed to turn the radio on to drown out the silence, but didn’t. I seriously doubted that Stan and I enjoyed the same genres of music, and didn’t want to be a bitch and make the ride any more uncomfortable than it already was. When we were halfway there, I couldn’t stand the silence any more. There were things I wanted to ask Stan, mostly things about Alex, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask those questions.
“Why did you decide to come along?” I asked instead.
“Because he’s my son,” he replied softly.
“That didn’t mean shit to you when you showed up at my apartment that day. How can you expect me to believe it means something to you now?”
“Because what else do I have left? Margaret has left me. My other two sons won’t speak to me. I sold my part of the business. I have so much money I could wipe my ass with and it wouldn’t make a dent, but it doesn’t do me any damn good. Everything I worked for, trying to give them all a better life, means nothing to anyone. Years of my life lost, too many of them, and it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. Not even me.”
I took a deep breath, because I wasn’t sure what to say. The cynical, sarcastic part of me wanted to tell Stan that he was getting his due, but I couldn’t. I didn’t like him, but the guy was obviously miserable, and I’ve never been one to kick at a dog while it was licking it wounds.
We were both quiet for a few minutes and then it was Stan’s turn to ask a question.
“Are you guys happy? I know how Alex is, or at least how he used to be. I know Iraq changed him. I could see that as soon as he came home. So, is he getting better? Are you happy?”
“Yes,” I answered. “We are. Things are getting better but it hasn’t been easy. Alex has had a really rough time adjusting to being back home. He suffers from PTSD.”
“He’ll be okay. Alex has always been stubborn and hard-headed like his mother. That kid’s a survivor.”
For the remainder of the drive Stan and I took turns asking ques
tions and making small talk. By the time the lake came into sight we were actually laughing. I gave Mama a quick call to tell her we were almost there and would let her know if we found Alex. I nearly cried in relief when I spotted his truck parked on the far side of the lake.
“Slow down! You don’t want to drive into the damn lake!” Stan warned when I sped up.
Chapter 29: Alex
Around noon my stomach was growling and I was faced with heading back into town. I turned the key in the ignition, but the engine wouldn’t start. With a loud sigh, I stepped out and looked under the hood. Nothing was wrong. Everything was exactly how it should have been. It was then that I realized that I hadn’t filled up the gas tank before heading out. I couldn’t believe I had been so careless. How could I have forgotten something so damn important? I slammed my fist against the hood and winced in pain.
“That really helped a lot, didn’t it?” I said to myself. “Now what do I do? You’re trained for this. You’re out here without food. You can’t leave, because your dumb ass forgot to fill up the tank, and your cell phone is dead, so there’s no calling for help.”
I didn’t tell anyone where I had headed so I wasn’t counting on anyone to come looking for me. I had my military identification card on me, so I might have been able to hitch a ride back to town with a fisherman but didn’t see anyone.
“What the hell is this? National Boycott the Damn Lake Day?” I asked a duck as it paddled by.
As the day wore on I started a fire, and made a passable fishing pole, but the fish weren’t biting. Eventually I climbed in the bed of my truck and went to sleep. There wasn’t much else I could do. If no one showed up at the lake by morning, I would begin the walk back into town.
Around sunset I heard the sound of a car. I jumped to my feet, startled. The sound of an engine had never sounded so sweet. It took me a few minutes of staring at the car to realize that it was Jasalyn with someone else in the passenger seat. When the car made its way around the bend of the lake I realized Jasalyn had brought my father with her. All the joy drained from my body and my gut knotted up.