by Jessie Keane
He walked back to the Bentley and got in, slammed the door on the wind, the crash of the sea, the lonely call of the birds. In its hushed leather-clad interior, he thought of Michael Ward, his boss – but so much more than that: Michael had been a father to him, and the boys had become his family. Now he acknowledged that he had always wanted, desired, craved a family.
Now, it turned out he had one.
But . . . all he felt was fury.
128
Ruby was watching TV at home when the doorbell rang.
She glanced at the big sundial clock over the stone mantelpiece. It was seven thirty in the evening, Rob was in the flat over the garage, she was alone here in the locked, secured house. She had a panic alarm that she could press, summon Rob. But . . . she thought she could hear children, crying. She stood up, feeling her injured arm twingeing in protest, and went out into the hall. She approached the front door warily.
‘Who is it?’ she called. The crying children were louder now.
‘It’s me,’ came the reply.
Ruby recognized that voice. She opened the door. There were two women standing there, each of them holding a screaming baby. One of them was Jody, the twins’ nanny. The other one was Daisy, her blonde hair sticking out all over the place, wearing trainers and a body warmer over a white T-shirt. Her left eye was so swollen it was almost shut, and the shiny flesh all around it was turning blue.
‘What the fuck . . . ?’ asked Ruby, shocked. ‘Daisy! What happened?’
‘Oh, nothing very much,’ said Daisy with a shout of near-hysterical laughter. Her one good eye was bright with unshed tears. ‘I’m leaving Simon, that’s all. And when I told him, he got rather upset. I hope you don’t mind me coming here, but I just couldn’t face Brayfield. And I really didn’t know where else to go.’
Ruby stared, aghast. She had been warned to stay away from Daisy. Verbally and physically. But here was her daughter, needing help, needing shelter.
‘Well, don’t just stand there,’ said Ruby, ‘come in.’
While the nanny got the twins upstairs for a feed, a bath and then bed in one of the spare rooms, Ruby ushered Daisy into the drawing room and sat her down by the fire. She went to the drinks tray, poured a brandy, and took it back to her.
‘Here. Drink up.’
Daisy took it, sipped at it. Ruby sat down opposite her daughter and stared at her. That eye was going to be all colours of the rainbow shortly. What sort of animal was that arsehole she was married to?
She wasn’t surprised when Rob appeared, having used his key to come through the back door into the house. He must have heard Daisy’s car.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked, looking at Daisy’s blackening eye, looking at Ruby.
‘Daisy’s going to stay here tonight,’ said Ruby.
Rob stared at her in consternation. He had been told by the boss that Ruby had been warned off contact with this girl. She’d been first assaulted and then almost run over and killed because she hadn’t toed the line. These people were serious in their intentions. That was all he knew. And now Daisy was here, right here, in the house.
‘That’s not a good idea,’ said Rob.
Ruby stared at him coolly.
‘Good idea or not, that’s what’s happening.’
‘I’d better let the boss know what’s going on.’
‘Fine. If you have to.’
‘I do have to.’ Rob stood there, watching the women uneasily.
Ruby let out a sharp sigh. ‘If you have something to say, Rob, please just say it.’
‘Look, this is stupid,’ said Daisy, starting to get to her feet, putting the brandy glass aside. ‘I really appreciate you taking me in like this, Ruby, but . . .’
‘Sit down, Daisy,’ said Ruby, her voice suddenly commanding.
Daisy sank back down.
Ruby looked at Rob. ‘Tell Michael that Daisy’s here,’ she said. ‘That she is staying here, for as long as she needs to.’
‘Jesus, Ruby . . .’
‘Go and do it, please.’
Rob turned on his heel, his face grim. The doorbell rang again.
‘What the fuck now?’ he asked, and walked out into the hallway.
Daisy and Ruby exchanged glances.
‘I don’t want to cause trouble,’ said Daisy.
Ruby exhaled. ‘The trouble started a long time ago, Daisy,’ she said more gently. ‘None of it’s your fault. Just relax.’
129
Rob was startled to find a dishevelled-looking Kit standing on the doorstep.
‘She in?’ asked Kit, moving past him into the hall.
‘Yeah, she is.’ Rob nodded to the drawing-room door. ‘Through there. She expecting you? She never said.’
‘No, she’s not expecting me. But I’ve got to speak to her, it’s urgent.’
‘Fine.’ Rob started to move ahead of him.
Kit stopped him with a hand on his chest. ‘Leave me with it, yeah?’
Rob looked at Kit. He thought he looked like shit, which was unusual. Kit was a snappy dresser, usually he looked the business. But tonight, his shirt collar was grubby and his tie was pulled loose. His bespoke jacket was creased and rumpled. His flashy Italian shoes were muddy.
‘You OK?’ he asked. Kit was a mate, after all.
‘I’m fine, just piss off for a bit, will you, Rob? Ruby and me need to have a chat.’
‘Daisy Bray’s in there with her.’There was a distant babylike wail from upstairs. Both men glanced up, then Kit looked a question at Rob. ‘She turned up with the kids and the nanny. Looks like her old man gave her a going-over.’
Kit went over to the drawing-room door and passed inside, closing it firmly behind him. Ruby was sitting there on one sofa, Daisy huddled over a nearly empty glass of brandy on the other. The fire roared and crackled between them. Ruby glanced up, saw Kit, and smiled.
His mother.
Could it be true?
It was. He knew it was.
Her arm was out of the sling, he saw, but as she stood up to greet him she still moved a little stiffly, like it was tender.
‘Kit! This is a surprise.’
He approached her, like he always did, kissed her cheek. But this time he felt like he was moving in a surreal dream. Now he was aware that he was kissing his mother’s cheek, and it felt so strange. Again he could feel that deep-seated fury, bubbling up in him.
‘Well, it’s been a day of surprises,’ he said, and she sat back down and gestured for him to sit too. ‘Hiya, Daise,’ he said, looking at her.
She looked shattered. For the first time he noticed that her eye was bruised and blackening. It looked like someone had given her a nasty smack. What the hell was that all about?
He turned his attention to Ruby, who was smiling at him with a little puzzled frown. ‘What does that mean?’ she asked. ‘A day of surprises? What surprises?’
Kit sat down. He leaned forward, hands clasped on his knees, and looked at her. Really looked. He couldn’t see himself in her in anything but their colour; that was identical. But wait: she was tall. So was he. Anything else? No. If it was there, he couldn’t see it.
‘What is it?’ asked Ruby, the smile dropping from her face. ‘Is something wrong? Is it Michael?’
‘Wrong?’ Kit swallowed and shifted slightly in his seat. ‘No. And the boss is fine.’
‘What, then? There’s something, for sure.’
‘I went to Raeburn Lodge today, the children’s home.’
‘Why?’ Ruby was staring at him in confusion.
‘I had some news. An old lady I visited once or twice, she died.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Kit was silent for a long moment. Daisy was staring at him.
‘What are you talking about, Kit?’ she asked him.
Kit glanced at her. ‘She left me a letter. I didn’t want to tell Ruby about it, I didn’t want to get her hopes up just to let her down again.’ He fished in his pocket, found it, handed it over to Ruby. ‘This is it.’
Ruby slipped on her reading glasses and read it. She took a while, and when she’d finished she refolded the letter and handed it back to Kit. ‘So that woman had concealed a little boy at her home . . . ? For God’s sake. Do you think . . . is there any chance it could be him? It can’t be, can it?’
‘I spoke to the Principal yesterday, she dug out the records and she showed me them today,’ Kit said, amazed at how calm his voice sounded.
He replaced Jennifer’s letter in his pocket and pulled out the Photostat of the page of records pertaining to the mixed-race boy who’d been admitted quite a long while after the fire at Manor Park. He handed the copy to Ruby and she took it quickly, scanning the page.
‘They categorized the races, you see?’ said Kit. ‘AC is Afro-Caribbean, C for Chinese, A for Asian, CA for Caucasian, MR for mixed race. There was only one mixed-race boy admitted in the six months after the fire, and that was the one listed there.’
Ruby was scanning the page. ‘MR, MR, oh, here it is . . .’ Suddenly she fell silent. She stared at the page, glanced up at him. Looked back at the page. Her face grew very still. Slowly, with trembling fingers, she reached up and removed her reading glasses.
‘It says . . .’ she gasped out, her voice barely above a whisper. ‘It says the boy was christened Kit Miller.’
Daisy was watching both of them in bewilderment. ‘What’s this all about?’ she asked, confused.
Kit’s eyes were glued to Ruby. ‘Why don’t you ask her?’ he told Daisy.
Daisy’s eyes went to Ruby’s. ‘What is it?’ she asked. ‘Will somebody tell me what’s going on?’
Ruby looked as if she was about to be sick. She swallowed hard and looked first at Daisy, then at Kit.
‘Oh God . . .’ she moaned.
‘Go on,’ said Kit. ‘Tell her.’
‘Daisy . . .’ Ruby hesitated.
‘Yes? What is it?’
‘Daisy,’ said Ruby at last. ‘Kit’s your brother.’
130
‘What is this?’ asked Daisy with an unsteady laugh, looking first at Ruby, then at Kit.
Kit’s eyes were burning into Ruby’s.
‘Kit . . .’ Ruby started, then she faltered to a halt, shaking her head, not knowing what to say.
‘Yeah, go on,’ he said sourly. ‘I’d like to hear this. I’d like to hear you explain how I got dumped in a kid’s home and nearly cremated. I really would.’
Ruby seemed to have shrunk in her chair. ‘I can understand that you’re angry . . .’ she said.
‘That don’t cover it.’
‘I had no say in any of it,’ said Ruby. ‘None at all.’
‘Wait!’ Daisy intervened, holding up a hand. ‘Just wait a minute. What is all this? You’re both talking rubbish. Kit, you can’t be my twin. Look at you. Look at me.’
‘It can happen,’ said Ruby, her voice trembling. ‘I’m mixed race. It’s rare, but it does happen, that when there are twins born, one can be white and the other darker.’
‘Why don’t you just say black?’ demanded Kit.
‘You’re not black, though, are you?You’re like me. Coffee-coloured, I suppose you’d call it.’
‘That ain’t what some people call it. Some people have called me that black bastard. Others weren’t so delicate. They called me nigger.’
‘I don’t understand any of this,’ said Daisy. She was staring at Kit. Her head hurt, she felt like hell, and she could barely see out of one eye. She found herself staring into Kit’s bright blue gaze.
‘Oh God,’ she said suddenly.
Kit turned his head sharply and stared at her. ‘What?’ he snapped.
‘Your eyes! They’re exactly the same colour and exactly the same shape as mine.’
‘So what? You had white skin and you could pass for a Bray. Your father wasn’t ashamed to take you in. You were acceptable. But blue eyes or not, I wasn’t. I was chucked on the scrapheap.’ Kit stared into space in sudden realization. ‘Oh shit, I’ve only just thought about this. That fucker Cornelius Bray’s my father.’
‘Look, don’t go attacking me,’ said Daisy hotly. ‘None of it’s my fault.’
‘No, it wouldn’t be. Little Miss Perfect, that’s you. Or that’s what they wanted you to be anyway. What a let-down for them.’
‘Shut up!’ snapped Daisy.
‘Oh, the truth hurts? You’re a screw-up, and no wonder.’
‘Just shut up!’ Daisy slammed the empty glass onto the side table and stood up. She looked at Ruby, not at Kit. ‘I can’t take this, not right now. I’m going up to see to the twins,’ she said, and hurried out of the room.
‘Well, you handled that well,’ said Ruby, eyeing Kit with disapproval.
‘Oh, did I? Sorry. It’s just come as a slight shock, that’s all. Finding out that my mother kept my sister but dumped me.’
‘I didn’t keep Daisy,’ said Ruby tiredly, absently rubbing her arm. ‘Cornelius did. He and Vanessa were childless. She couldn’t have children of her own. When I became pregnant, it was agreed that I couldn’t keep an illegitimate child.’
‘You bitch.’
‘Kit,’ she said desperately, ‘try to understand. I didn’t even know I was expecting twins. When I gave birth – Daisy was first, then you came, completely unexpectedly. Cornelius didn’t want a dark-skinned child. He wanted a golden baby he could pass off as his and Vanessa’s own. So he just took Daisy. And you . . . my brother Charlie took you, said he’d pass you on to someone, a married couple. I couldn’t stop him. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.’
‘You didn’t try, did you?’ asked Kit.
‘Kit!You know I’ve been searching for my boy – oh Jesus, for you – for years. It’s been hell, trying to find you. And then when I heard about the fire, and I believed you were dead, that was even worse. That was the end of all hope. It was horrible. But . . .’ Now Ruby was staring at him in wonder, a slight tentative smile touching her lips. ‘It’s so wonderful to have found you at last. And that’s it’s you, of all people. I’ve always liked you so much, and maybe that was why. Because I knew you, deep down.’
But Kit was shaking his head, his eyes glaring into hers.
‘You don’t know me,’ he snarled. ‘You don’t care about me. You gave me up when you should have fought to keep me. That’s all I know.’
‘Kit, no, that’s not t—’
Kit jumped to his feet. He pointed a finger at her. Ruby shrank back into her seat. He looked capable of anything.
‘You know what else I know?’ he burst out. ‘I’ll tell you. I never want to see you or hear you or know anything about you, ever again. You keep away from me. You’re dead to me. I am never, not while I’m breathing, going to forgive you for what you did. Never.’
131
As the days passed, Ruby remained in a state of confusion. Daisy stayed. Her daughter was with her, and now – double delight – she had her grandchildren in the house too, to fuss over. She felt deeply sad over Kit’s reaction, but he would come round, wouldn’t he?
‘You don’t know Kit very well, do you?’ said Daisy when they sat in the kitchen a few days later, sipping coffee. Ruby had told her that Kit would mellow in the end, that he was just shocked by the news, which was understandable.
‘He’s more than shocked. He’s devastated.’ The swelling on Daisy’s eye had gone down, and the skin was starting to turn yellow all around the socket. She looked accusingly at Ruby. ‘He thinks you couldn’t have loved him at all, to let him go like you did. Have you any idea what that feels like?’
Ruby stared at Daisy with pain in her eyes. ‘No. I haven’t.’
‘Well, I have. You let me go too. Let me live a complete lie. I always felt that I didn’t “fit” with my mother, I was always trying to win her approval. And of course I never succeeded. Now finally I know why.’
‘I’m sure Vanessa did the very best she could for you. She was desperate for a child.’
‘Yeah, so she took yours. And you let her. I can
see why Kit’s so wound up. He didn’t even get the nice-upbringing option. All he got was shafted.’
Ruby took a swallow of coffee. ‘I don’t see what I could have done differently. I was in a desperate situation. I only wanted the best for you.’
‘The best for me would have been staying with you.’
‘No it wouldn’t. I came from a household where bullying was endemic. I wouldn’t have wanted that for you.’
Daisy gave a wry smile and pointed out the shiner her eye had become.
‘Looks like I didn’t totally dodge that bullet,’ she said.
‘Is it very sore?’
‘It looks worse than it is.’
‘What are you going to do? About Simon?’
‘I’ll phone him today,’ said Daisy, her face falling. ‘He’s the twins’ father. He has rights. We have to work out something so he gets to see them, I suppose. Although, truthfully, I wouldn’t care if I never saw him again.’
‘Are you definitely divorcing?’
‘After this?’ Again she indicated her swollen eye. ‘I’m not a punch bag. And really, it was never a love match in the first place. I married Simon in a weak moment, when I didn’t know where else to turn. And he . . . well, I think Pa paid him to do it.’
‘Daisy, no.’ Ruby was shocked.
‘Ruby – yes. I think Simon got a hefty pay-off and his building company got a lot of lucrative contracts shoved its way, providing Simon took me as part of the deal and settled me down a bit.’
‘That’s horrible.’
Now Daisy smiled. Increasingly she was finding that – at last – she had something to smile about. A strange sense of peace had begun to steal over her since she had let Ruby into her life. All that unfocused longing and loneliness she had felt before was fading. Everything had been leading her to this place, to this woman: her mother.
‘You know Pa. He is horrible. Look at what he did to you. Knocked you up and then whipped your baby off you. And he didn’t even care about what happened to the other one – to his own son, for God’s sake – because it didn’t fit in with his rose-coloured plans.’